Safer Than a Known Way

April 16, 2014

I have just a little over a month left until graduation. This past 4 years has just flown by! This quarter has been so busy but I wanted to send ya’ll an update and even ask a prayer request. In my last blog I mentioned I might go to New Zealand for a bit. As seniors, we are given the opportunity to do a senior capstone project which basically looks like a group of us going to another house of prayer somewhere for about a year and serving and strengthening the house of prayer. I initially signed up for New Zealand because it sounded super exciting and I had just gotten my passport, but after a couple of Skype meetings with them I realized that I just wasn’t excited about it. Sure it’s pretty but I think the beaches would only keep me for about a month and that wasn’t a good enough reason for me to go. New Zealand didn’t have a nightwatch or a CEC and it made me realize that I definitely want to be somewhere that has both of those things. Those are the 2 main things that cause my heart to come alive- singing to Jesus in the middle of the night and teaching kids about Jesus! The day after our last Skype session, IHOPU had a ministry fair where a good number of ministries from all over came and we had an opportunity to connect with them and see if we felt led towards a certain location.

So I decided to go to the ministry fair and just feel it out. My main desire in going was to find somewhere that was excited about children’s ministry. I walked around for several hours and nobody even brought it up. I was actually a bit discouraged and kinda figured it was a lost cause. But before I left I decided to stop by the booth for the Orlando house of prayer. I wasn’t really expecting anything given the response I was getting but I was curious to see if anything was there because they just went 24/7 and I’m sure they would welcome someone coming to help strengthen the nightwatch. I started talking with one of the guys at the booth and he asked me to share a little of my journey and I told him how I did FITN and then have done the nightwatch basically my entire time here. He got so excited and told me that they just went 24/7 and had like 5 full time people for the nightwatch. But here’s the part that threw me for a loop. After chatting for a bit he goes, "you know Amy if you were to come to OHOP you would be paving the way for the next generation." Now my ears perked up because I hadn’t even said anything about kids yet only nightwatch. And what he said was word for word a very significant prophetic word I received last year for my birthday when I was really seeking the Lord for vision for my life. Of course he had no idea what he was saying but as he was saying it he was like man I’m really feeling the Lord. So then I asked well speaking of the next generation do ya’ll have a CEC? And he said they did and shared their heart for raising up the next generation. My heart got so excited! He said the 2 areas where they probably need the most strengthening would be the nightwatch and CEC. So the next week I connected with the associate director on the phone and now I am emailing back and forth with the guy who leads the CEC just to get a better feel for what he may need.

This is where the prayer request comes in. In a few days I will be starting a 21 day fast. A few of my friends and I decided to do it a couple months ago and set the dates for later in the quarter. But here’s the cool part. Some of the sophomores were feeling like they wanted to do a fast and not knowing anything about ours they called it for almost the exact same days, just off by like a day. So now it’s like a school-wide invitation. The coolest part is that the main goal of their fast is confidence in the love of God which I have been praying over my class and myself for at least the last year. I felt like it was a sweet kiss from the Lord to show me He hears my prayers. I am fasting for several personal heart things but I am also going to be asking for direction. When New Zealand was out of the picture I was planning to stay in Kansas City and go on staff here. But now this other opportunity may be surfacing. The thing about it though is that I’m not even sure if anyone is planning on going to Orlando and the exciting part for me in thinking about the capstones is going somewhere with a group of people that I’ve been running with 4 years. I wouldn't be super excited about it if I was the only one going. So needless to say there are many fears I have in going somewhere I don’t know anybody. And let’s be honest, it’s way more comfortable to stay here than go to a completely different state where I won’t know anyone. So yeah if ya’ll could join me in praying for direction and for my heart that would be awesome! Remember the more prayers that go in the faster those bowls get filled.

I have to admit that graduating is very bittersweet. I have absolutely loved my time here at IHOPU! I don’t like change and transition is super scary. I recently read a book called Safer than a Known Way. It was a really random find and it’s an autobiography about a woman named Pamela Rosewell Moore. Basically this chick was 21 when she prayed her life over to God--with contingencies. She didn't want to leave her home country (England), she wanted to get married young, and she didn't want to speak in front of people. One by one, God leads her to surrender her expectations and follow His plan. She ends up serving in many countries, speaking to large audiences, and marries in her forties.

She shares this poem as a reflection of her experience--also her inspiration for naming the book:

I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year,
"Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unkown." 

And he replied, "Go out into the darkness
And put your hand into the hand of God.
That shall be to you better than light
And safer than a known way!" 

-Minnie Louise Haskins, 1908

She put her faith in God, her hand in His, and trusted His way really would be the best--for her and for reaching others for Him. And it was. Her experiences smuggling Bibles, learning under Tante Corrie (who we might better know as Corrie ten Boom), and so much more are proof that God's way was best.

The book had a really big impact on my heart and I have been gradually relinquishing my rights to the Lord. The biggest and ouchiest one is I relinquished my right to write my own story. Instead of telling God how He was supposed to be doing things, I now say You’re will be done. It’s a slow journey but I am learning to trust that He really does have an adventurous story for me. In one of my classes one of the teachers was talking to us about graduating and figuring out life and how scary it all can be and he made a comment that really stuck with me. He said at our core we believe that if we really follow the Lord wholeheartedly that our lives will be hard and not enjoyable. But he told us that his experience has shown him completely the opposite. I’m asking the really hard questions like do I really believe you satisfy? Are your plans for my life really good? Can I really trust you with the desires of my heart? Do you really know what will make my heart come alive? Is God’s way truly safer than a known way?

Pamela said at the close of the book "God knew how to write my story far better than I could have imagined.” Now my question is, am I brave enough to trust that the same is true for me?

 

Lord God Merciful

December 16, 2013


Today I am officially finished with my 1^st semester of my SENIOR year! What in the world? Can you believe how fast this past 4 years has gone? This quarter has been absolutely amazing. There is a lady here who wrote a children’s book called “The Thankables.” It is all about being grateful and thankful and not grumbling or complaining. She challenged our church body to 40 days of making war on grumbling. Here’s the video. It’s never too late to start!

http://www.thethankables.com/join-war-on-grumbling/

Y’all I am not exaggerating when I say it is truly changing my life. Grumbling and complaining is deadly. You really can speak death over yourself instead of life. I have been internally doing this war on grumbling and I have seen such a difference in my prayer life. Instead of arguing and complaining about how He’s doing it wrong and how actually His leadership isn’t really perfect, I have turned it into prayers of thanksgiving and gratitude for what He is doing and focusing on what He is doing instead of what He’s not. Turns out He’s doing a lot more than I had realized before!

Since this is my senior year, I have really been reflecting on my time in school and just how different I am now than I was when I first moved to Kansas City. I’ve especially been thinking about the nightwatch. I was remembering how after first semester I had the opportunity to switch and how I almost didn’t because I was afraid I would miss out on relationships with the people in my class. Now looking back I can’t imagine what my life would look like had I NOT switched to nights. I have the most amazing relationships with people I probably wouldn’t be as close to had I chosen to stay on days. Plus I LOVE the sweetness of nights. I don’t even want to think about what I could have missed out on if I had let the fear of missing out win. I am so excited to finish out my final semester in the watches of the night. The Lord really seems to be highlighting the necessity of day and night prayer and it sounds as though there will be many students switching to nightwatch next semester. I am looking forward to January to see who all will be joining us in the night.

This quarter my James class absolutely rocked my world. I think it may have been my favorite after all. We had to write a reflection about how our prayer life changed from what we learned in the class. Here is a bit of my reflection that I turned in. I feel like it summarizes what God has been doing in my heart:

I think the first thing that has been transformational in changing my prayer life has been to see God as a God who delights in mercy. These past 3 years at IHOPU have been a time for me of dismantling wrong ideas about God and His character. Before I came for fire in the night I thought that God was really mad at me and punishing me for a certain relationship in my life. Although my boyfriend at the time was the one that in my mind treated me badly, when God told us we had to break up, instead of judging him for how he treated my heart, God not only showed him mercy, but actually blessed him. He did not appear to be doing that to me and it actually seemed like I was getting the raw end of the deal. So it’s a journey God and I have been working on over these past few years. Last semester we had the book of Isaiah and my main take away from the class was how merciful God is. It really broke down a lot of my ideas of a harsh God. You just can’t see that when you really look at how He treats Israel. He is merciful unlike we have ever known or even have a grid for. So then coming from that class last quarter to this one and Minor Prophets at the same time, the theme this semester that God has been screaming to me is, “Amy I’m merciful!” It’s all over James and the all throughout the prophets. It has changed everything about my prayer life. I’m not praying to a God who is mostly mad and frustrated with me because I keep failing. I am talking to my sympathetic high priest who knows my frame, knows every detail of my life and what has made me the way I am today. He knows my weakness and even though I am frustrated with myself when I blow it, He is not. I have even begun to see especially over the last couple of years how God ending that relationship was very much His mercy to me on so many levels. His perfect leadership is always seen in hindsight. He desires that we learn mercy, which means He gives us opportunities to do just that. As I was reading through the book of Jonah, I was struck that Jonah actually got mad at God because He was merciful towards someone that Jonah didn’t think was deserving of mercy. I realized that has been my attitude towards God in my own situation. But I can’t be mad that God showed him mercy. I deserve hell but God has given me mercy. When you remember the truth through that lens it changes everything, and it literally has changed everything this semester.

I think the most impactful thing God was teaching me this semester came through the book of Hosea. It touched me when I read the notes but then when he hit on it in class it touched me even more. The basic premise is Hosea is a picture of God and His relationship with Israel. Israel is represented by Hosea’s wife Gomer. Before they were married, she was a prostitute and even though Hosea loves her better than anyone ever has, she continues to run back to her other lovers. She gets sold into slavery by another man and her husband Hosea buys her back! This was the part of the notes that got me:

“He will not be intimate with her immediately nor will he fully exercise the authority of his “title” as a husband – because she is too tender and weak at the beginning stages of her “deliverance” from the other lover.  Gomer still cannot make the distinction between “husband” and “master” and thus is not able to rightly interpret even the intimacy of Hosea rightly.  Thus he withholds intimacy to give her time to trust him with deep confidence and understanding.  She must be gently and tenderly brought to the place of intimacy without shame, or intimacy rightly received – not as a possession to be used but as a friend to be enjoyed.”

When I read the notes and heard this in class I just had tears streaming down my face as I realized this is what God has been doing with me. What I have perceived as rejection and a sign that God doesn’t really desire me, is actually His plan to get my heart to a place where it can actually receive His love. Oh I pray that more breakthrough is coming!

Onething is coming up and I am going to be helping with CEC again this year. They are doing things a little differently and instead of having all the kids all together in one room they are breaking them up by ages. I have been recruited to work with the 10-12 year olds. I’m kind of nervous because I am used to doing 5-7 year olds and this will be completely out of my comfort zone, but I am really looking forward to seeing how God meets me in my weakness. I am going to be going on another ministry trip in the spring and this year I will be going to Cincinnati, Ohio. And I know a lot of you are already asking me what I’m going to be doing when I graduate. I don’t have much information as this is a very new development (meaning I’ve only known since the week before Thanksgiving) but here's a little teaser for you. I have an opportunity to move to New Zealand for up to a year after graduation for my senior capstone! Looks like I heard rightly about getting a passport. More details to come on both trips as they get closer!

Senior Year!

October 26, 2013

Well ya’ll I am officially done with my first quarter of senior year. I have a feeling this year is going to go so quickly. I apologize for the lack of update until now. This quarter was definitely the hardest one yet and when I say I had absolutely no free time because of homework, I am not exaggerating. My classes were the book of Isaiah and the Life of Christ in the Gospels. Each class on its own is a hefty workload and as far as I know no other class has taken them together before. In fact when seniors from last year found out they were all shocked that they would do that to us. While it was extremely hard, it was also so good and having the combination of both classes at the same time was really cool.

In the Life of Christ the teacher opened up the class by stating that the reason the gospels aren’t read more is because we don’t get anything out of them. Most of the time, if we are honest, we read the Bible to find some application for our own lives or to get our daily devotional for the day. The first week he said we are often guilty of being more in love with idea of Christ than with Christ Himself and I really had to take a long hard look at how true that might be in my own life. Jesus is a real man and how can I be in love with someone I don’t actually know? I think one of the things that impacted me about the class was the idea to ask Jesus questions as you’re reading different stories in the Bible. Jesus lived 30 some years on earth. He has memories of all those things that happened. I have to be honest because although I had heard that before I didn’t really try it because I didn’t think He was gonna talk back anyway. My teacher said He probably won’t answer back, but He might. But either way ask the questions because it makes it more real to your own heart. It was so encouraging! Whenever anyone has said that in the past, I understood them to mean ask Him because He’ll talk back. But this was the first guy to be real and say actually no He probably won’t answer. It may seem silly but I feel that gave me the permission to start doing it and it’s been really fun to think about what He may have been feeling or thinking when certain things were happening.

The book of Isaiah was also really good although very overwhelming. I mean the book is 66 chapters so it’s hard to cram it all in 8 weeks. I have read through the book of Isaiah several times and was somewhat familiar with it. I think my biggest take away from the class was how merciful, kind and tender the Lord really is. We see over and over again how Israel was constantly rebellious against the Lord and did their own thing. But no matter what they did, the Lord continued to go after them and chase them down with His loving-kindness. I have heard people say they don’t like the Old Testament because God is so mean, but honestly after this class, all I could see was how tender and compassionate He is. The way He deals with Israel is the way He deals with us. He is gracious, slow to anger, rich in love and good to all. He is just so kind. Even when I am faithless, He remains faithful. It’s so comforting to my weak little heart!

It’s really interesting too because this quarter I have Minor Prophets with Dave Sliker who is the same teacher I had for Isaiah and He said His goal for this class is for us to see God rightly. It looks like God’s just gonna continue to break down my wrong understanding of Him as mean, harsh and distant. Praise the Lamb! The other class I have this quarter is the book of James. I am so excited about this class! It is taught by Dale Anderson and he actually used to be on the nightwatch. Last year when the class was offered, he was still on the old nightwatch schedule where all the students are on the new. So it was not a nightwatch friendly class. But all the nightwatch students prayed and asked God to make it work for us this year and He totally did! He is so kind! Dale is just so tender and has cried every class period so far. It’s so beautiful to see an older man cry when He talks about Jesus. This one may be my favorite class…too soon to tell though.

I made a big change this year as well. I switched my concentrations. I had signed up for CEC again this year but about a week before school started I had a conversation with Bobby who is the guy over the nightwatch students and I expressed how I felt really left out by not choosing house of prayer leadership last year. I loved CEC but I didn’t really learn anything that I hadn’t previously learned in my other schooling and the one reason that I chose that concentration, he didn’t even cover all year. Bobby actually apologized and told me that the way that I was feeling was not my fault but a design flaw with the school and that he would take full responsibility for it. Then he made it super simple. He said go where you’re going to have the most fun. So I switched to the House of Prayer Leadership concentration and have not regretted it or felt like I made a bad decision. I’m still teaching my 5 year olds on Sunday mornings though and loving it!

The school is also doing something new with juniors and seniors. They started a student led prayer room at IHOPU. It’s like the one in the normal prayer room, but it’s manned by students only. We were all placed on a team and we also have a harp and bowl (the model that they teach in the music school and what they follow in the normal prayer room) lab each week with our team. I am my team’s admin so I get to serve in more of a behind the scenes kind of way. I love it! I haven’t sung on the mics yet, but we’ll see if I get the courage up to do that at some point this year. I also get to lead my own d-group of freshman girls. I was so excited to be asked and it is so fun so far. I make them a home cooked meal every week so we eat together and then they just share their hearts and we pray together. My goal has been to create a safe loving environment where they feel they can share and be vulnerable. From what I can tell they all seem to feel that way. I would appreciate prayers as I lead them and disciple them though. It’s a big responsibility to shepherd other people’s hearts and I really want to love them well.

I know that was a lot! Thanks for reading =)

Prayer requests:

Vision: Next month is my birthday! Last year I asked the Lord for vision for my life and He answered in a powerful way the whole week after my birthday. I am asking for that again this year, but even greater because I have a huge life transition happening when I graduate and at this point I don’t really know what I am doing yet. So clarity for my next step would be spectacular!

My heart: Just prayers for continued healing. My biggest desire is to be confident in God’s love when I walk across that stage in May. Pray that He would encounter me in a deep way in my remaining time at IHOPU.

Senior year: As the leaders of the school, we have all been feeling a lot of pressure and warfare so far this year. Please feel free to pray however you feel led about that.

Tipping the Bowls

July 21, 2013

About a month ago I was at a birthday party and I struck up a conversation with a guy that was on the nightwatch. He was kind of telling me about his background and how he sometimes organizes mission trips to Israel. He asked me if I had ever gone anywhere and I told him no that I had never really had a heart for missions but I was totally open to going if the Lord made it clear that he wanted me to go somewhere. He asked me if I had a passport and when I told him no he said, you need to get a passport, and then you will put yourself on God’s radar. To be honest I had never even entertained the possibility. I just assumed if I ever went somewhere that I would just get a passport then. But I decided that I was going to go ahead and do it, but secretly. I wasn’t planning on telling anyone. I had no idea how to get one or where so I just figured I would look online or something when I had the time.

Well a couple days later I went to mail something at the post office and as I am walking in there is this huge sign on the door, GET YOUR PASSPORT HERE! So when I mailed my package I asked the lady how I would go about getting a passport. She gave me an application and said to fill it out and then make an appointment and it cost $135. I don’t know why but I hadn’t thought there would be a cost. So I took the application and I said ok Lord well you know I don’t have an extra $135 just laying around so if you want me to get a passport then you need to provide the funds for it. Then I set the application aside and didn’t really think too much about it.

Well the next week, my mom and aunt came for a visit and so we did what we always do when people come to visit, we went to the prophecy rooms. When it was my turn the first guy was saying a bunch of encouraging stuff and then his very last statement he goes, “I also feel to tell you to get your passport ready if you haven’t got your passport. I sense God, there’s going to be an invitation to come. It might be short term it might be long term. Somewhere on a mission field or mission trip. I don’t know how long or when but I just felt to say get that ready.” I about fell out of my chair! 3 confirmations! I have never received that many confirmations for anything before.

I was convinced this was the Lord. So one day towards the end of June I sat down and was writing in my journal. I don’t know why but somehow prayers just seem more real when they are written down. Anyway, I was writing in my journal and talking to the Lord about my life and all of my concerns about money and school and the future. Before I had started writing that day I had actually gone back and reread old entries and was reminded how I have had the same few prayer requests for literally years. I have been praying the same things over and over and outwardly have seen little answers. Then I remembered a teaching that a guy gave during this year’s signs and wonders camp. He talked about the bowls in heaven in Revelation 5:8 which are filled up with our prayers. When he was teaching the kids he told them now we know there are bowls but the thing is, we don’t know how big the bowls are. There might be a bowl that is super small and it only takes like 1 or 2 times for the bowl to spill over and the prayer to be answered. The bowl might be super big and take hundreds of prayers before it tips, we just don’t know. So as I was praying this time I said ok Lord I will do my part and fill out the application but you know I don’t have the money. This really seems like you but could I please just have a power encounter in my finances? Mike Bickle has told countless stories of times where he needed an exact amount and God brought him that exact amount. And it wasn’t really even about the amount, it was more the heart connect of oh wow you really do see me and know what I need. So I asked the Lord for $135 and for tuition, but not just because I need the money, because I want Him to confirm His pleasure over the way I have chosen to live my life. I want the money so that I know He is pleased with my decisions. I looked at the clock and saw the time and the last part I wrote was, “What if this was the year God? What if you went above and beyond to lavish your love on me simply because that’s who you are? What if now is the “suddenly” of God? Could it be now? Could I see some answers to my many prayers this year? Would this prayer today at 2:27 pm finally tip the bowls around your throne and pour out answered prayers? Would ya God?”

So after I prayed, I filled out the application and even anointed it with oil and consecrated it to the Lord. Then I went to bed. The next morning I got up and went to the prayer room. When I came home at 6 am I realized I had forgotten to check the mail the day before. When I opened up the mailbox I saw that there was a check from Grace Fellowship. Now this was super strange because I was not expecting anything from them. I thought oh wow maybe they found some extra money and were able to pay the remainder of my tuition, but the check was made out to me, not IHOPU. So I opened it up and low and behold it was a check for $500!!! Out of the blue for no reason. I couldn’t tell who it was from. There was no name on it. All it had was a small phrase in the little memo part of the check that said for missionary support. So I thought it was for the passport but it wasn’t the exact amount so then I thought well maybe I should save it and put it towards tuition.

The next day I got together with a friend and I told her the whole story. Then I said I think the check is for the passport but it wasn’t the exact amount that I asked for so maybe I should save it. She is very wise and always gives the most wonderful advice. She said I know you wanted the exact amount but what if the Lord decided to bless you above and beyond what you needed simply because He can? She said no Amy it said missionary support. You get your passport and you use the rest towards your monthly living expenses. And then you trust that it’s just a down payment and the Lord will provide the tuition when the time comes. So after praying about it, I felt like that was right so I went to have passport photos taken. The post office lady told me that if you have AAA they will do them for free. So I checked out the website and it turned out that since I have the basic membership they were actually $5. But without anything they were like $15 so I decided it was worth the extra time to drive there. Every little bit helps right? So I got there and the guy was having a hard time with the computer system. He said well let’s just take your pictures while the computer does what it needs to do. Afterwards, the system was still doing funky things and he couldn’t get it to work right so he said you know what just go ahead and take the pictures for free. I got my passport photos for free! Sure it was only $5 but like I said, it’s not the amount. It was just another confirmation that this is the Lord. So I sent everything in and paid my money and now I am just waiting 4-6 weeks to become the proud owner of a U.S. passport.

So I don’t really know what the Lord is doing but it seems as though He is getting ready to take me on an adventure of some kind and my heart is really excited at the prospect of what it might entail. But more than even that, I am excited to think that my prayers may have finally tipped the bowls. He answered immediately. Like so immediately that the check may very well have been in my mailbox at that exact moment and I had no idea. What if this is the season? Would you join me in filling those bowls? The more prayers that go in, the sooner they tip out =)