So I officially made it to Kansas City. It has been quite an adventure already. My room is in the basement and a couple months back they had found a leak and had to rip out a section of the wall. So we arrived here on Wednesday night and we were supposed to be able to move in Thursday but they weren’t quite done yet so we actually had to wait until Friday. But finally Friday evening we got everything moved in and I slept in my new room for the first time. So weird! So that was fine but then Sunday morning a wind storm came through. I don’t think it was officially a tornado but there was a lot of damage. I actually slept through it. I heard it but just figured it was a normal storm. The funny thing is though since my room is in the basement and doesn’t have any windows; it’s the safest room in the house to be. So if it happens again, even if I’m asleep, I don’t have to worry because everyone will just pile into my room and wake me up! Well one of the trees in the backyard behind us blew over and fell into our yard and in the process fell on a power line which knocked the meter box completely off the house! So needless to say we are officially without electricity for a few days. It’s cool though because I was able to go to my friend’s house to take a shower and charge my phone and computer and all that stuff. And on the plus side, two huge trees fell down and blocked both entrances to the neighborhood so now I know every back way in the neighborhood. But last night was really fun. My roommates and I needed to eat all the food in the fridge before it went bad so we had kind of a pot luck feast last night. We lit a bunch of candles and stuffed ourselves until we could eat no more. We ate and talked and just sat around with the candle light and it was so much fun. One of my roommates said she knew a couple of people who fasted electricity for a couple of weeks and basically just used candles. I don’t know if I’ll do it on purpose any time soon, but it’s totally doable.
I’m slowly getting into a routine and schedule. I decided to start doing the prayer room from midnight to 4am. But sadly, I think that once school starts first year classes are in the morning and I won’t be able to do the nights, at least for the first semester so basically until January. I know they are changing some stuff this semester so I’m praying that this might change too but somehow I doubt it. So I’m trying to think positive but honestly I’m totally bummed that I won’t be able to do nights for a while. So I’m taking advantage for this month before school starts and doing nights. I am going to need a lot of prayers and grace if I have morning classes though. I am so not a morning person! This transition time before school starts will be interesting because I have nothing to do so I will probably spend a lot of time in the prayer room and awakenings. My roommates are all really excited to have me here finally so I feel really loved and that’s been helpful for the transition. I won’t really know a whole lot about school until I go to new student orientation on August 10 so I can’t really answer many of ya’lls questions about my classes or schedule until then. But once I find out, I will let you know.
So what is the Lord talking to me about these days? A couple of things that I will share more on next time but right now- money. When I first got back to Katy I was kinda feeling things out job wise to see if there was anything for me there. I tried like 3 or 4 different things that should have been fool-proof and nothing happened with any of them. One day I was praying about it and asking the Lord why it hadn’t worked because I really needed to make some money. I felt like He said because you’re not supposed to get a job. You’re supposed to write a support letter and trust me to provide for you. So I did. Raising my own support has been an interesting journey so far. It’s a total pride killer and I think that’s a part of why God does it that way. To kill our pride. I have always loved being an extravagant giver. I loved being able to bless people when they needed it. But now the tables are turned and I am the one that is in need. I quit my teaching job like 3 years and it was super scary but I had almost $20,000 in savings so I knew I would be ok. Then I got a job at my church that was part time and paid $12/hour so I basically made $12,000 that year and lived perfectly fine off of that and only had to dip into my savings a little bit. Then I quit that job and did the internship. I could have raised support for it but in my pride decided against it and knew I had enough in savings to cover it so I did that. Quite frankly I just did not want to raise support. So I did the internship and towards the end of track 2 I noticed that my money was rapidly depleting and I started to get anxious about it. I heard a teaching once about how the amount of anxiety you get about not having something is the amount that it’s an idol in your life. It turns out I never knew money was an idol because I always had it, but once I wasn’t comfortable anymore, I became very anxious. Since the one area that the Lord says to test us in is money I decided I had nothing to lose. I love hearing stories from other people of how the Lord provided for them when they really needed it. I call them God stories. I was talking to the Lord one day and told Him I wanted a God story. So I decided that I was going to give away everything I had before I went home. Well, that was the plan, but of course I chickened out and reasoned my way out of it. Then I waited until Christmas and bought all my presents and by February still hadn’t gotten a job so finally in February I paid off all my bills and then kept what I needed for bills for the next month and then gave the rest of it away. I didn’t tell a lot of people either because I didn’t want people to feel like they needed to give me money. But here’s the kicker, literally two days after I gave it all away, I had to have my appendix out. It happened out of nowhere and there were no complications because they caught it before it burst, but now I have a $2,000 hospital bill. So I’m still trying to figure out what that was all about and the timing of it all. But I totally have a God story now! Some of ya’ll have heard this but I know some of ya’ll haven’t. My pastor did a sermon on the story in the Bible of the talents. Jesus gave 3 people money and told them to invest it in the kingdom. So my pastor decided to choose 3 people from each service and give them money to invest in the kingdom. He gave them 2 weeks and then they were to come back and tell the congregation what they did with the money. Well one of the ladies that was chosen is a lady that I had only known couple of months because we worked in the call room together. She was given $200 and decided to make and sell cakes for $25 and use her mother’s recipe. Well as it turns out she took like 96 orders and some people even just donated money to the cause and she made $2,600 and decided to give it to me! It was such a blessing and total confirmation that I was doing what I was supposed to and that the Lord was going to provide. I loved it too because she got to bake cakes which she loves to do and opened her windows in the kitchen and got to enjoy her garden while she was baking and communing with the Lord. I was talking to one of my friends afterwards who is kinda in charge of the call room and we were just talking about how it all came together and how there were so many small acts of obedience leading up to it that didn’t seem like a big deal at the time but if one hadn’t happened then none of this would be happening. What if she had never asked me to go to coffee once I got back. What if I hadn’t agreed to do the call room? I would have never met this lady. It was just really cool to look back over the way that it came together and see how the Lord had been orchestrating something that wasn’t even on my radar and completely blew my mind. I love that I am starting to have God stories now. One day I was out shopping with some gift cards and I was telling the Lord that I really wanted a new purse since mine was sort of falling apart but I didn’t have the money for one. The next day I got a gift card in the mail for $25 to Target and I went and found a perfect one for 24.99. Isn’t the Lord good? So anyway, raising support has been an interesting journey and I’m sure will continue to be. I have received about 250 in monthly support and then received a lot of one time donations. All of which is a total blessing! I guess I thought that I would just automatically get the monthly support though. But even in that I feel like the Lord is teaching me to be completely dependent upon Him. If I got the monthly supporters and knew I had 850 coming in each month then I wouldn’t have to trust the Lord as much. This way I am fully trusting in the Lord which is unbelievably scary but I know it’s the place the Lord wants me. It’s funny too because at the last monthly prayer meeting we had for the Katy prayer room people were talking about money and just how the Lord’s timing is always perfect and often will come at that very last moment before the bill is due. One of the guys up here says that God is never early but He’s always on time. As one lady was telling us her God story of what the Lord was doing in their lives financially and talking about how the Lord always seems to show up right at the last minute, another lady said that when she was listening to her story she felt like the Lord said because it’s more romantic that way. Think about all the cheesy chick flicks and how the couple finally comes together at the very last moment. It’s more exciting that way. That’s how God, the ultimate romantic, wants to come to us- at the very last moment, because it’s more romantic that way. I may be wrong, but I feel like the Lord is doing it this way because He wants to surprise me at random times. Plus this way I’ll have more God stories. (At least that’s what I’m telling myself right now to keep from becoming anxious =P) So as with everything with the Lord, I’m going on another journey…but I’m not going to be anxious about money anymore and I am going to know God fully as my provider.
And The Journey Continues...
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Amy
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I realized I never wrote a final blog for my time at the internship. The end of my time there was pretty much a whirlwind but I will do my best. The last couple of months that I was there our daily schedule pretty much got thrown out the window because the Holy Spirit fell in a new and exciting way. What does that mean exactly? It’s hard to really explain but basically the power of the Holy Spirit became so strong that when people prayed for other people, they got healed. And we’re talking all kinds of healing- physical as well as emotional and heart wounds. This started in November and they are still having the awakening meetings every Wednesday- Saturday from 6 pm to midnight. There’s an article that does a much better job of describing it for those of you that are interested.
http://www.ihop.org/Publisher/Article.aspx?ID=1000067211#content
The awakening was interesting. There was a lot of stuff happening that I was unfamiliar with and had never experienced before. I’ve had certain things that I have been praying for and several times I’ve wondered if my expectations of God are too high and what I’m asking for is ridiculous. But during the awakening, everything that I’ve been praying for and crying out for happened. Not to me, but it happened to other people. I go back and forth on thinking that asking for a hug from the Lord is silly but there were several testimonies of people who said they felt the tangible arms of God around them. It’s possible! One of the things that I’ve also been crying out for is to “feel” God. Everyone always talks about the presence of the Lord and when they say they feel Him I always ask what it feels like. I’ve realized it’s more than just feeling His presence that I want though. I want to receive His love for me and know that I know that I know that He loves me. A lot of what was happening was that God was breaking into hearts and setting them free from years of lies and wounds and rejection and self hatred. When this happened, people would finally feel the love of the Father for the first time. Where it was just head knowledge before, it finally became real in their heart. That’s what I have been crying out for- God just move it from my head to my heart. I always felt like God could break in and in an instant like the verse says His perfect love could come in and cast out all fear. And it was happening! Every time someone got up and gave a testimony then they would pray for people. If a girl got up and described how she felt the love of the Father for the first time and it was real to her heart then they would ask people if that sounds like you raise your hand and people will pray for you. I stood up every time for prayer and it never happened. Listening to testimonies was so frustrating! I would hear things that God did to other people and it would be exactly what I have been crying out for. Now it wasn’t just pie in the sky ideas, He was really doing it. When people would say what happened to them I would just sit there and cry going God that’s exactly what I’ve been praying for and look you’re doing it. You can do it. Why aren’t you doing it in me? There was one particular testimony that got me the most. One girl said that she had never felt the love of the Lord and when people would pray for her in the past she would just start crying. The people that were praying thought that since she was crying that she must have been feeling something. But she said her tears were actually tears of longing and wanting it to happen so bad but it never would. I even stood up for prayer after her testimony thinking this is it… that’s so my story…and then nothing. Now don’t get me wrong. There’s no way I spent 6 months in the presence of God and didn’t walk away different. Plus, I got baptized! I have no doubt that God did a huge work in me in lots of different ways, but I was so sure that at the end of the 6 months I was going to come home confident in love. I was going to feel the love of the Lord finally and nothing else was going to matter. And it didn’t happen. It’s been quite a wrestle and I’ve had to tell God over and over even if you never break in and even if I never feel you, I’m still gonna love you. I’m still gonna sit for hours in the prayer room and sing to you and tell you how beautiful you are because you’re worthy of my praise. Something inside me tells me that even if I never feel you, you’re worth it all.
So what has the Lord been showing me and speaking to me about? My eyes. Before I left for IHOP I got an eye infection and the doctor said it was because of my contacts so I needed to order new contacts. Now that I don’t have eye insurance it’s pretty expensive and I was just talking to God one day and I half-jokingly said, ya know, if you just healed my eyes and gave me 20/20 I wouldn’t have to worry about all this. But I kinda laughed it off. Well when the awakening first happened, one girl stood up and gave her testimony and she was saying that after someone prayed for her, her sight was blurry so she took off her glasses and could see perfectly. God healed her eyes! Now what I thought was just a funny “that would be cool if”, God has shown that He can do and is actually doing now, not just in Bible times. There have been several more testimonies of people receiving 20/20 vision since the awakening’s been going on as well. Over the course of my time at IHOP, different people would come up and pray for me and on 4 or 5 occasions total strangers who didn’t know me at all prayed about me being a “seer” and prayed that my eyes would be opened. Then when I got home, I was meeting with one of my friends and she asked me if I felt like I got any gifts from the Lord while I was up there. I didn’t really know how to answer so I told her the thing about people praying over me and calling me a seer. She got excited and then told me she had a book for me about that. I thought that was pretty cool. Then the next time I met with her the following week, she gave me the book and said that every day since we had met, during her quiet time, every scripture that the Lord would show her had to do with being a seer and she showed me all the verses. And she says it keeps coming up in her quiet times so we’re both praying about what all that means. Then one night I met with a group of ladies that a friend told me about to pray and again they didn’t know me at all and just prayed what they felt from the Holy Spirit and almost all of their prayers were about my physical eyes and the eyes of my heart. I don’t know what it means to be a seer. From what I’ve read it sounds like basically you can see into the spiritual realm and God may give you dreams and visions of heavenly things or angels. This hasn’t happened yet and I’m more in the seek it out and get more information stage but if it’s true, it sounds really exciting! I’ve been listening to this cd by Corey Russell and it’s called Eyes Opened and every time I listen to it my spirit gets stirred up. He keeps talking about how there is an all out assault on the eyes of prophets and seers. We were created to gaze on real beauty and have our eyes captivated and fascinated. We are seated in heavenly places and we are meant to see into the spirit realm. We are in this world but not of it. But we’ve gone so long without experiencing these things that we’re just willing to settle. We’re so easily entertained. One of my favorite lines he says on his cd is we’re so stuffed on PG movies and good things, that we have no appetite for great things, for real things. We are a bored generation and we’ve lived so long in this way, we don’t even know that we’re missing something. I’ve asked God since I’ve been home to open my eyes to see what He wants me to see while I watch tv and I have been shocked by what I see. Shows that I used to watch and find really funny, now I watch and am amazed by how inappropriate it is. There’s sex, or sexual innuendo on almost every show, even family shows just on regular tv. And the only thing I can think of is it’s only going to get worse. My pastor did a sermon just recently on the signs of the end times and one of the parts is talking about how darkness and evil is going to increase. He was saying it is hard to measure something like that but he talked about movie ratings and how they’ve changed over the years and what used to not be allowed to be shown. Wow has it changed. If you get a moment you should listen to his sermon. It was very eye opening and there’s a link under “people get ready.” I’m in this interesting place of being in holy discontent and it’s a strange place to be in. Sitting down in front of the tv is no longer an escape for me, just a reminder that there’s more. As with everything with the Lord it’s a journey and I’m sure I’m only at the beginning but I feel like the Lord has me in a place of what if. What if I choose not to watch that movie or turn off that tv show? What if there’s more? What if turning off those legitimate pleasures opens me up to things that I can’t even fathom? What if not watching that CSI episode causes me to be open to dreaming about God and not have nightmares? What if there’s really more and I really can see it with my very own eyes? What’s interesting about the awakening is that God seems to be doing in the natural what He wants to do in the spiritual. He’s opening eyes and ears in the natural because that’s what He wants to do in the spiritual. He wants to give us eyes to see and ears to hear what the Spirit is saying. I’m contending for my eyes in the natural. I’ll let you know when He heals my eyes! =)
Coming back to Katy has been really hard. I already knew the transition from my protective bubble at IHOP wasn’t going to be easy, but on top of that I came home to my biggest fear being my actual reality. I can honestly say that this last year has been more painful and confusing than anything else I’ve ever experienced. I only thought my heart had been through a lot before. I’ve yelled at God and asked Him why it had to happen this way. What was the point? More than anything I feel like He just played a mean joke on me. I feel like He said I’m gonna give you all these amazing people that you are going to open up your heart to and this amazing job and everything is finally going to fall into place like you want it to, and then bam! I’m going to take it all away. But at the same time, I know that's not His character. I’ve gone through a season of death and mourning what I thought my life was going to look like and the people and new family I thought were going to be a part of it and I think that’s been the hardest part. I don’t understand why things happened the way they did. But I know that He is good and kind and has my best interest in mind. God's leadership over my life is perfect, even when it doesn' t make sense. Everything happened the way it did for God’s greatest glory and to get everyone that has been involved to the place where God wants each of us to be. While I know the truth in my head, we all know that moving it to the heart takes some time. It gets a little easier each day. But the thing is, it’s not about me anyway. I exist so that Jesus will have the preeminence and God will get the greatest glory. I was listening to the FCF service on Sunday and the message was so good! The guy was talking about how as Christians we “sell” Jesus as the way to make yourself happy. Most of the time, we worship Him and praise Him because of things He’s done for us. He talked about the living creatures that are forever around His throne. God has never touched their circumstances. He’s never given them a promotion or lots of money or taken things away from them. They worship Him simply because of who He is. They see Him and Him alone in all of His glory, not what He can do for them, and all they can do is cry HOLY! He asked some really hard questions. He said what are you in this for? What did you move to Kansas City for? If all the cameras left and you were the only person left in the prayer room would it still be worth it? Would you still be here? If you never have a huge ministry and God never promotes you is it still worth it? Then the one that really got me was this one- if you never get the breakthrough is He still worth it? I just started crying and I realized that my answer is yes. Whether I ever get the breakthrough I want, whether I ever “feel” Him, He’s worth it simply because of who He is. I just want Jesus!
So where is this journey taking me next? Back to KC! Before I came home I had pretty much decided that I wanted to go back and go to school up there which would have been the last thing I would have ever imagined I would do because I don’t think I’m smart enough for Bible college. (I do realize this is a lie) The internship was so amazing and I felt like I learned so much but I felt like the 6 months was training wheels. I’m still so new in the Lord and I don’t know the Bible that well and I feel like I still need so much more. I think FSM is a good place to start. The first 2 years are kinda like core classes so I figure I’ll at least do 2 years and then kinda see where I am. But who knows, I may decide after a semester that it’s not for me after all and my plans may change, or maybe I'll go for 4 years and declare a major. Sometimes God tells you to do something and other times He asks you to make a choice. I feel like I’m in a place right now of God going what do you want to do Amy? Do you want to stay in Katy and be an intercessory missionary with the Katy prayer room? I will bless it. Do you want to go to IHOP and go to school and go back on nights? I will bless it. It’s not about IHOP versus Katy because basically I would be doing the same thing whether I was here or there, but the school is there. Plus I get to go back on nights there. I’ve never made a decision based on what I wanted to do. It has always been based off what I think others want me to do. For the first time in my life I’m making a decision based on what I want to do and as scary as it is to pack up and move, it’s also really exciting. I can’t guarantee I’ll come back to Katy, and I can’t guarantee I won’t. There have been several words spoken over me about being called to the nations and rebuilding Israel and I don’t know if that means I will actually go to another country and be a missionary or if it means I will sit in a prayer room somewhere and pray it in. I’m done planning my life. Every time I thought I knew where my life was going and could see what my future looked like, it didn’t happen that way. So now I’m taking it step by step, and my next step in this journey is KC. I have no idea what my future looks like and I absolutely hate that, but I’m letting go and trusting God that His will, not mine, will be done in my life. So the journey continues…hopefully it will get less bumpy soon.
http://www.ihop.org/Publisher/Article.aspx?ID=1000067211#content
The awakening was interesting. There was a lot of stuff happening that I was unfamiliar with and had never experienced before. I’ve had certain things that I have been praying for and several times I’ve wondered if my expectations of God are too high and what I’m asking for is ridiculous. But during the awakening, everything that I’ve been praying for and crying out for happened. Not to me, but it happened to other people. I go back and forth on thinking that asking for a hug from the Lord is silly but there were several testimonies of people who said they felt the tangible arms of God around them. It’s possible! One of the things that I’ve also been crying out for is to “feel” God. Everyone always talks about the presence of the Lord and when they say they feel Him I always ask what it feels like. I’ve realized it’s more than just feeling His presence that I want though. I want to receive His love for me and know that I know that I know that He loves me. A lot of what was happening was that God was breaking into hearts and setting them free from years of lies and wounds and rejection and self hatred. When this happened, people would finally feel the love of the Father for the first time. Where it was just head knowledge before, it finally became real in their heart. That’s what I have been crying out for- God just move it from my head to my heart. I always felt like God could break in and in an instant like the verse says His perfect love could come in and cast out all fear. And it was happening! Every time someone got up and gave a testimony then they would pray for people. If a girl got up and described how she felt the love of the Father for the first time and it was real to her heart then they would ask people if that sounds like you raise your hand and people will pray for you. I stood up every time for prayer and it never happened. Listening to testimonies was so frustrating! I would hear things that God did to other people and it would be exactly what I have been crying out for. Now it wasn’t just pie in the sky ideas, He was really doing it. When people would say what happened to them I would just sit there and cry going God that’s exactly what I’ve been praying for and look you’re doing it. You can do it. Why aren’t you doing it in me? There was one particular testimony that got me the most. One girl said that she had never felt the love of the Lord and when people would pray for her in the past she would just start crying. The people that were praying thought that since she was crying that she must have been feeling something. But she said her tears were actually tears of longing and wanting it to happen so bad but it never would. I even stood up for prayer after her testimony thinking this is it… that’s so my story…and then nothing. Now don’t get me wrong. There’s no way I spent 6 months in the presence of God and didn’t walk away different. Plus, I got baptized! I have no doubt that God did a huge work in me in lots of different ways, but I was so sure that at the end of the 6 months I was going to come home confident in love. I was going to feel the love of the Lord finally and nothing else was going to matter. And it didn’t happen. It’s been quite a wrestle and I’ve had to tell God over and over even if you never break in and even if I never feel you, I’m still gonna love you. I’m still gonna sit for hours in the prayer room and sing to you and tell you how beautiful you are because you’re worthy of my praise. Something inside me tells me that even if I never feel you, you’re worth it all.
So what has the Lord been showing me and speaking to me about? My eyes. Before I left for IHOP I got an eye infection and the doctor said it was because of my contacts so I needed to order new contacts. Now that I don’t have eye insurance it’s pretty expensive and I was just talking to God one day and I half-jokingly said, ya know, if you just healed my eyes and gave me 20/20 I wouldn’t have to worry about all this. But I kinda laughed it off. Well when the awakening first happened, one girl stood up and gave her testimony and she was saying that after someone prayed for her, her sight was blurry so she took off her glasses and could see perfectly. God healed her eyes! Now what I thought was just a funny “that would be cool if”, God has shown that He can do and is actually doing now, not just in Bible times. There have been several more testimonies of people receiving 20/20 vision since the awakening’s been going on as well. Over the course of my time at IHOP, different people would come up and pray for me and on 4 or 5 occasions total strangers who didn’t know me at all prayed about me being a “seer” and prayed that my eyes would be opened. Then when I got home, I was meeting with one of my friends and she asked me if I felt like I got any gifts from the Lord while I was up there. I didn’t really know how to answer so I told her the thing about people praying over me and calling me a seer. She got excited and then told me she had a book for me about that. I thought that was pretty cool. Then the next time I met with her the following week, she gave me the book and said that every day since we had met, during her quiet time, every scripture that the Lord would show her had to do with being a seer and she showed me all the verses. And she says it keeps coming up in her quiet times so we’re both praying about what all that means. Then one night I met with a group of ladies that a friend told me about to pray and again they didn’t know me at all and just prayed what they felt from the Holy Spirit and almost all of their prayers were about my physical eyes and the eyes of my heart. I don’t know what it means to be a seer. From what I’ve read it sounds like basically you can see into the spiritual realm and God may give you dreams and visions of heavenly things or angels. This hasn’t happened yet and I’m more in the seek it out and get more information stage but if it’s true, it sounds really exciting! I’ve been listening to this cd by Corey Russell and it’s called Eyes Opened and every time I listen to it my spirit gets stirred up. He keeps talking about how there is an all out assault on the eyes of prophets and seers. We were created to gaze on real beauty and have our eyes captivated and fascinated. We are seated in heavenly places and we are meant to see into the spirit realm. We are in this world but not of it. But we’ve gone so long without experiencing these things that we’re just willing to settle. We’re so easily entertained. One of my favorite lines he says on his cd is we’re so stuffed on PG movies and good things, that we have no appetite for great things, for real things. We are a bored generation and we’ve lived so long in this way, we don’t even know that we’re missing something. I’ve asked God since I’ve been home to open my eyes to see what He wants me to see while I watch tv and I have been shocked by what I see. Shows that I used to watch and find really funny, now I watch and am amazed by how inappropriate it is. There’s sex, or sexual innuendo on almost every show, even family shows just on regular tv. And the only thing I can think of is it’s only going to get worse. My pastor did a sermon just recently on the signs of the end times and one of the parts is talking about how darkness and evil is going to increase. He was saying it is hard to measure something like that but he talked about movie ratings and how they’ve changed over the years and what used to not be allowed to be shown. Wow has it changed. If you get a moment you should listen to his sermon. It was very eye opening and there’s a link under “people get ready.” I’m in this interesting place of being in holy discontent and it’s a strange place to be in. Sitting down in front of the tv is no longer an escape for me, just a reminder that there’s more. As with everything with the Lord it’s a journey and I’m sure I’m only at the beginning but I feel like the Lord has me in a place of what if. What if I choose not to watch that movie or turn off that tv show? What if there’s more? What if turning off those legitimate pleasures opens me up to things that I can’t even fathom? What if not watching that CSI episode causes me to be open to dreaming about God and not have nightmares? What if there’s really more and I really can see it with my very own eyes? What’s interesting about the awakening is that God seems to be doing in the natural what He wants to do in the spiritual. He’s opening eyes and ears in the natural because that’s what He wants to do in the spiritual. He wants to give us eyes to see and ears to hear what the Spirit is saying. I’m contending for my eyes in the natural. I’ll let you know when He heals my eyes! =)
Coming back to Katy has been really hard. I already knew the transition from my protective bubble at IHOP wasn’t going to be easy, but on top of that I came home to my biggest fear being my actual reality. I can honestly say that this last year has been more painful and confusing than anything else I’ve ever experienced. I only thought my heart had been through a lot before. I’ve yelled at God and asked Him why it had to happen this way. What was the point? More than anything I feel like He just played a mean joke on me. I feel like He said I’m gonna give you all these amazing people that you are going to open up your heart to and this amazing job and everything is finally going to fall into place like you want it to, and then bam! I’m going to take it all away. But at the same time, I know that's not His character. I’ve gone through a season of death and mourning what I thought my life was going to look like and the people and new family I thought were going to be a part of it and I think that’s been the hardest part. I don’t understand why things happened the way they did. But I know that He is good and kind and has my best interest in mind. God's leadership over my life is perfect, even when it doesn' t make sense. Everything happened the way it did for God’s greatest glory and to get everyone that has been involved to the place where God wants each of us to be. While I know the truth in my head, we all know that moving it to the heart takes some time. It gets a little easier each day. But the thing is, it’s not about me anyway. I exist so that Jesus will have the preeminence and God will get the greatest glory. I was listening to the FCF service on Sunday and the message was so good! The guy was talking about how as Christians we “sell” Jesus as the way to make yourself happy. Most of the time, we worship Him and praise Him because of things He’s done for us. He talked about the living creatures that are forever around His throne. God has never touched their circumstances. He’s never given them a promotion or lots of money or taken things away from them. They worship Him simply because of who He is. They see Him and Him alone in all of His glory, not what He can do for them, and all they can do is cry HOLY! He asked some really hard questions. He said what are you in this for? What did you move to Kansas City for? If all the cameras left and you were the only person left in the prayer room would it still be worth it? Would you still be here? If you never have a huge ministry and God never promotes you is it still worth it? Then the one that really got me was this one- if you never get the breakthrough is He still worth it? I just started crying and I realized that my answer is yes. Whether I ever get the breakthrough I want, whether I ever “feel” Him, He’s worth it simply because of who He is. I just want Jesus!
So where is this journey taking me next? Back to KC! Before I came home I had pretty much decided that I wanted to go back and go to school up there which would have been the last thing I would have ever imagined I would do because I don’t think I’m smart enough for Bible college. (I do realize this is a lie) The internship was so amazing and I felt like I learned so much but I felt like the 6 months was training wheels. I’m still so new in the Lord and I don’t know the Bible that well and I feel like I still need so much more. I think FSM is a good place to start. The first 2 years are kinda like core classes so I figure I’ll at least do 2 years and then kinda see where I am. But who knows, I may decide after a semester that it’s not for me after all and my plans may change, or maybe I'll go for 4 years and declare a major. Sometimes God tells you to do something and other times He asks you to make a choice. I feel like I’m in a place right now of God going what do you want to do Amy? Do you want to stay in Katy and be an intercessory missionary with the Katy prayer room? I will bless it. Do you want to go to IHOP and go to school and go back on nights? I will bless it. It’s not about IHOP versus Katy because basically I would be doing the same thing whether I was here or there, but the school is there. Plus I get to go back on nights there. I’ve never made a decision based on what I wanted to do. It has always been based off what I think others want me to do. For the first time in my life I’m making a decision based on what I want to do and as scary as it is to pack up and move, it’s also really exciting. I can’t guarantee I’ll come back to Katy, and I can’t guarantee I won’t. There have been several words spoken over me about being called to the nations and rebuilding Israel and I don’t know if that means I will actually go to another country and be a missionary or if it means I will sit in a prayer room somewhere and pray it in. I’m done planning my life. Every time I thought I knew where my life was going and could see what my future looked like, it didn’t happen that way. So now I’m taking it step by step, and my next step in this journey is KC. I have no idea what my future looks like and I absolutely hate that, but I’m letting go and trusting God that His will, not mine, will be done in my life. So the journey continues…hopefully it will get less bumpy soon.
Let it Rain...Open the Floodgates of Heaven
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Amy
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So it has been an interesting couple of weeks. We have been praying for an outpouring of the Holy Spirit and God has answered our prayers. The Holy Spirit has totally been poured out over IHOP. It started about 2 weeks ago, the first year students at the Bible school were giving testimonies of their walk with God and one of the girls got up and talked about an encounter she had where God totally set her free from an eating disorder and all of the after effects on parts of her body, like her stomach and kidneys were damaged. So anyway the students continued to give their testimonies throughout the week and this past Wednesday they were doing testimonies and for whatever reason the Holy Spirit just fell in that place and all of a sudden all of the students quit their classes and went into the main room and started worshiping and it just went crazy from there. All day long people were instantly being delivered from self-hatred and eating disorders and depression and there were even some physical healing. So I didn’t know any of this was happening. It was my Sabbath and I had actually decided to go shopping because I still needed some long sleeve shirts as it is continuing to get colder up here. So one of my roommates and I were shopping and she got a text that the Spirit had fallen at the fsm building where the students were and had been going on since 9 that morning and we needed to get there if we could. It was like 6:30 pm and since it was the Sabbath I was going to hang out with my friend Ginnette so I was like I dunno what’s going on but I’m sure it’s not that interesting. So I went to Ginnette’s and I was telling her about my day and shopping and then about the text that the spirit had fallen at fsm and she was like we’re going. I was like yeah I don’t really want to go. I was actually really scared. I talk about how I want this huge encounter with God but I’m actually really terrified of it actually happening. Anyway, we waited for her husband to get home and then we went and the place was packed out! I have never seen anything like it in my life. The Bible says in the last days God is going to pour out His spirit and people are going to prophecy and people would get healed and it is happening. We have had prayer meetings every night since Wednesday and people are getting healed left and right. There have been people physically healed from all kinds of things. People have gotten up and given testimonies about how they were healed and there have been various people who were healed of asthma, one girl prayed for her eyes and now doesn’t need her glasses, there were 4 or 5 who had like 20% hearing loss in their ear and now they can hear perfectly, one person had a leg that was shorter than the other and it literally grew out like 2 or 3 inches and now they’re the same, there have been healings of body aches and backs coming into alignment, and on and on. More than anything though there have been inner healings all over the place. People are getting set free from depression and self-hatred and anger and all kinds of addictions like in an instant. All if takes is the love of God. I’m so excited to see it because I just knew it was possible. I just knew that all it took was a minute and God could set you free! It’s such a faith builder. It is so cool to listen to everyone’s stories of how God is setting them free from stuff and just speaking to their hearts and revealing His love. Now all that being said, I have felt nothing. Go figure! The girl who’s desperate for the presence of God still can’t feel it when He pours it out. But it’s ok. I’m really enjoying watching others get deliverance and I’m really enjoying praying for people. I’m also getting prayed for when I hear something I want prayer for. I don’t know what God is doing but I trust His leadership over my life and that His banner over me is still love. I do have a heightened sense of expectation though.
So super vulnerable moment and I can’t actually believe this is going to be posted but here goes. So I’ve been going hard after God for about 4 or 5 years and I don’t think I have felt the presence of God this whole time. (I may have but I can’t imagine that I would feel it and not know it.) Anyway some of you already know this but the one thing I have been praying for as long as I can remember is a hug from God. Everyone always talks about feeling God’s embrace. There’s this part in Song of Solomon where God removes His presence from the girl and then she goes out and searches everywhere for Him. Then finally she finds Him and it says she holds Him and doesn’t let Him go. There’s a song I heard once at the Katy Prayer Room and the lyrics said something like hold me and don’t let go until I believe you love me. And that’s what I want. I want to feel the tangible arms of God and I want Him to hold me until I believe He loves me. Now I have told several people this and I was met with a lot of different responses, all well meaning of course but basically people tried to tell me not to get my hopes up. However I have never given up hope. I am convinced that God is going to encounter me during this last 1 ½ months. Now that the spirit fell and people are getting touched and healed and encountered I have so much faith that it’s coming. When I first got here the first time I was prayed for and the girl said she saw me on my knees worshiping before Jesus she also told me that God said and that thing that you’ve been so diligently praying for, it’s coming. I’ve also had a bunch of people praying over me recently and there’s a common theme about the winter being over and the drought ending and the river of refreshing coming and that this is my spring season so I’m just waiting and praying that it happens soon. I thought I was ridiculously hungry for God when I got here but since being here I have just gotten increased hunger and longing and I’m to the point of God if You don’t show up soon I’m going to die. And they say that’s a good place to be because that’s the place where he might actually show up. So anyway if you only pray one thing for me let that be it. That I would get a hug from God where I feel His tangible arms around me and he would not let go until I believe He loves me. I actually had been praying that it would happen on my birthday since I won’t be with my friends and family and that would just be the most amazing birthday present ever! Total side note: My birthday is coming up on the 24th (just in case you forgot ;-P) and one of my roommates is going to make me a strawberry cake and then all the track 2 girls are going to pray over me so I’m excited. Anyway, I have no idea how long this little revival thing is going to last. I have a feeling it will lift and it won’t be like this forever. We also have a 21 day fast that was scheduled for December. And get this, it ends the last day of the track. Now that is no coincidence. So I just have a heightened expectation of God moving and really encountering me and setting me free from whatever junk is still there so that I can finally receive and believe His love for me and then pour it out onto my friends and family.
2 weeks ago at Hope City they had an altar call for people who were desperate for the Lord and I was standing up there and a lady came over and asked me how she could pray for me. I told her and she said oh that explains the picture I got when I walked up to you. She said she saw a dry desert and it was just the ground, no sand or anything, and there were like cracks and holes all across the ground and no water anywhere in sight. She said she saw me crawling across the ground and I was desperate and thirsty and basically looked like I was going to die if I didn’t get water soon. Then I was like yeah that pretty much sums up how I feel right now. So she prayed for me and then towards the end she asked me if I had a hard time hearing the voice of God or distinguishing His voice from other voices. I said as a matter of fact I do and she said she saw a swirl around my head and just lots of confusion and there was a reason that I was having a hard time. Then she prayed for me some more and I told her I was frustrated because I feel like I’ve been prayed for so much and go up for like every altar call and then Corey Russell prayed for me and I thought that was finally it and I was just tired of not being free. She said she had actually been there herself and she said it’s easy to give into shame but to push through and keep going up for altar calls. She also said she felt like God was going to use me in some form of deliverance ministry and since I have been there I will be able to be compassionate and understanding of the people who I will helping. So that was pretty cool. The first time I came to the prophecy room up here they prophesied Isaiah 61 over me and said that God wanted to set me free first and then He was going to use me to set others free. So that was some sort of confirmation I guess? Anyway last weekend I was sitting at the table eating my breakfast and I was talking to my roommate and she asked me about the lady praying for me because she was curious what she prayed since I was crying so much and I told her all of that and then she started crying and was like you have no idea how good this is for me to hear this right now. I have always heard all of these tormenting voices and I have felt crazy but I have never told anyone because I didn’t think anyone else would understand. So we talked for a while and I asked her if she ever went up for prayer and she said no and I was like you need to go up if you feel like it’s for you because I just feel like there’s an altar call for you I really do. Then after I said it I was like why did I say that? Then I said and I’ll try to help you as much as I can but I don’t know how much help I’ll be. I don’t think mine’s as bad as yours but I’m kinda in the same struggle as you. So anyway the next night we were at EGS service and during worship the prayer leader got on the mic and started saying all this stuff and basically describing her situation and the whole time I was just looking right at my roommate. Then he asked if you wanted prayer for that to raise your hand and she just stood there! So I was like uh-uh. I went up to her and raised her hand for her and she laughed at me and I started praying for her. It was ridiculous! I started to pray for her and the things that came out of my mouth totally surprised me. There is no way that was me. When I was praying I felt really powerful and like there was authority on my words. My roommate was crying and coughing and basically getting set free and God used me to do it! She told me after that she couldn’t even begin to tell me how amazing my prayer for her was. That night she said she only heard the thoughts like 4 times instead of constantly. I was so excited that God used me! And I love that there’s no way I can boast and say that I did it because there’s no way that any of that came from me. I think it’s really funny too because I had told her I didn’t know how I could help and God showed me that He can use me now even in my weak broken state where I don’t know what I’m doing when I pray for people. He’s doing all the work, I just have to be a willing vessel so He can use me. Pray for more! Again I am just so amazed that I am here right now. We talked to our leader Clay last night about everything that is going on and how often it had happened before and he said it has never been like this before. I hear the webstream is free during the egs services too which is Friday and Saturday night at 6pm. Just go to ihop.org and click on live webstream. It may have only been this week though but definitely check it out if you can.
So super vulnerable moment and I can’t actually believe this is going to be posted but here goes. So I’ve been going hard after God for about 4 or 5 years and I don’t think I have felt the presence of God this whole time. (I may have but I can’t imagine that I would feel it and not know it.) Anyway some of you already know this but the one thing I have been praying for as long as I can remember is a hug from God. Everyone always talks about feeling God’s embrace. There’s this part in Song of Solomon where God removes His presence from the girl and then she goes out and searches everywhere for Him. Then finally she finds Him and it says she holds Him and doesn’t let Him go. There’s a song I heard once at the Katy Prayer Room and the lyrics said something like hold me and don’t let go until I believe you love me. And that’s what I want. I want to feel the tangible arms of God and I want Him to hold me until I believe He loves me. Now I have told several people this and I was met with a lot of different responses, all well meaning of course but basically people tried to tell me not to get my hopes up. However I have never given up hope. I am convinced that God is going to encounter me during this last 1 ½ months. Now that the spirit fell and people are getting touched and healed and encountered I have so much faith that it’s coming. When I first got here the first time I was prayed for and the girl said she saw me on my knees worshiping before Jesus she also told me that God said and that thing that you’ve been so diligently praying for, it’s coming. I’ve also had a bunch of people praying over me recently and there’s a common theme about the winter being over and the drought ending and the river of refreshing coming and that this is my spring season so I’m just waiting and praying that it happens soon. I thought I was ridiculously hungry for God when I got here but since being here I have just gotten increased hunger and longing and I’m to the point of God if You don’t show up soon I’m going to die. And they say that’s a good place to be because that’s the place where he might actually show up. So anyway if you only pray one thing for me let that be it. That I would get a hug from God where I feel His tangible arms around me and he would not let go until I believe He loves me. I actually had been praying that it would happen on my birthday since I won’t be with my friends and family and that would just be the most amazing birthday present ever! Total side note: My birthday is coming up on the 24th (just in case you forgot ;-P) and one of my roommates is going to make me a strawberry cake and then all the track 2 girls are going to pray over me so I’m excited. Anyway, I have no idea how long this little revival thing is going to last. I have a feeling it will lift and it won’t be like this forever. We also have a 21 day fast that was scheduled for December. And get this, it ends the last day of the track. Now that is no coincidence. So I just have a heightened expectation of God moving and really encountering me and setting me free from whatever junk is still there so that I can finally receive and believe His love for me and then pour it out onto my friends and family.
2 weeks ago at Hope City they had an altar call for people who were desperate for the Lord and I was standing up there and a lady came over and asked me how she could pray for me. I told her and she said oh that explains the picture I got when I walked up to you. She said she saw a dry desert and it was just the ground, no sand or anything, and there were like cracks and holes all across the ground and no water anywhere in sight. She said she saw me crawling across the ground and I was desperate and thirsty and basically looked like I was going to die if I didn’t get water soon. Then I was like yeah that pretty much sums up how I feel right now. So she prayed for me and then towards the end she asked me if I had a hard time hearing the voice of God or distinguishing His voice from other voices. I said as a matter of fact I do and she said she saw a swirl around my head and just lots of confusion and there was a reason that I was having a hard time. Then she prayed for me some more and I told her I was frustrated because I feel like I’ve been prayed for so much and go up for like every altar call and then Corey Russell prayed for me and I thought that was finally it and I was just tired of not being free. She said she had actually been there herself and she said it’s easy to give into shame but to push through and keep going up for altar calls. She also said she felt like God was going to use me in some form of deliverance ministry and since I have been there I will be able to be compassionate and understanding of the people who I will helping. So that was pretty cool. The first time I came to the prophecy room up here they prophesied Isaiah 61 over me and said that God wanted to set me free first and then He was going to use me to set others free. So that was some sort of confirmation I guess? Anyway last weekend I was sitting at the table eating my breakfast and I was talking to my roommate and she asked me about the lady praying for me because she was curious what she prayed since I was crying so much and I told her all of that and then she started crying and was like you have no idea how good this is for me to hear this right now. I have always heard all of these tormenting voices and I have felt crazy but I have never told anyone because I didn’t think anyone else would understand. So we talked for a while and I asked her if she ever went up for prayer and she said no and I was like you need to go up if you feel like it’s for you because I just feel like there’s an altar call for you I really do. Then after I said it I was like why did I say that? Then I said and I’ll try to help you as much as I can but I don’t know how much help I’ll be. I don’t think mine’s as bad as yours but I’m kinda in the same struggle as you. So anyway the next night we were at EGS service and during worship the prayer leader got on the mic and started saying all this stuff and basically describing her situation and the whole time I was just looking right at my roommate. Then he asked if you wanted prayer for that to raise your hand and she just stood there! So I was like uh-uh. I went up to her and raised her hand for her and she laughed at me and I started praying for her. It was ridiculous! I started to pray for her and the things that came out of my mouth totally surprised me. There is no way that was me. When I was praying I felt really powerful and like there was authority on my words. My roommate was crying and coughing and basically getting set free and God used me to do it! She told me after that she couldn’t even begin to tell me how amazing my prayer for her was. That night she said she only heard the thoughts like 4 times instead of constantly. I was so excited that God used me! And I love that there’s no way I can boast and say that I did it because there’s no way that any of that came from me. I think it’s really funny too because I had told her I didn’t know how I could help and God showed me that He can use me now even in my weak broken state where I don’t know what I’m doing when I pray for people. He’s doing all the work, I just have to be a willing vessel so He can use me. Pray for more! Again I am just so amazed that I am here right now. We talked to our leader Clay last night about everything that is going on and how often it had happened before and he said it has never been like this before. I hear the webstream is free during the egs services too which is Friday and Saturday night at 6pm. Just go to ihop.org and click on live webstream. It may have only been this week though but definitely check it out if you can.
Growing in Love and Humility
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Amy
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Disclaimer: As I have gone back and read over my blogs a thought occurred to me. The Amy that likes to compare myself to people would read this and think wow God must really love her. I guess He doesn’t love me as much because He’s not doing that for me. So it occurred to me that some of you may be feeling that way. So I wanted to just make it clear. I am in no way trying to rub it in your face. This is the first time since I started going back to church where I actually feel like I’m in a place of being able to hear and receive from God. Some of the things that are happening to me are really amazing but it’s not like they happen every day. In fact for like 4 years I didn’t feel like I heard from God hardly at all except for the few times I have written about on here. I feel like I’m in a very specific season where God is doing some specific things and it will not always be like this- although I hope it is! So in the same way that I am not suppose to covet someone else’s journey with the Lord, please do not covet or be jealous over mine. My main point in writing these is because so many people asked me if I would do updates and the only reason I am being so vulnerable is because God told me the more vulnerable I am the more you guys reading were going to get out of it. My hope is that in reading my journey it will awaken something inside of you that there is more. Some of you don’t believe in God or believe in a “god” but you don’t know Jesus and therefore I hope what is happening to me starts to pique your curiosity because I can’t make this stuff up. And even if I could, I wouldn’t. Why would I? What would be the point? Some of you have been saved your whole life and know you’re going to heaven when you die. That’s great but my hope for you is that you see there’s so much more. Jesus is a real man. His Word is living and active and He died the most excruciating death anyone could imagine because He loves us and wants a relationship with us. Christianity is not just a list of dos and don’ts and figuring out how to make ourselves happy. Christianity is about a relationship with a real man who when we hated Him (and a lot still do) He took on every one of our sins and pains past, present, and future and died for us and He did it for love. He doesn’t want you to wait until you die for you to experience Him, you can experience Him now. And don’t you dare say you’re too old and it’s too late! If you are still on this earth it’s because God isn’t finished with you yet. So yeah don’t look at my journey and get discouraged, but look at my journey and get excited and ask God to take you on one of your own. I promise He wants to. All I’ve ever done is ask Him to let me love Him more and to create a hunger and a longing inside of me. And the only reason I even want to love God is because my sister prayed for me a lot. All you have to do is ask =) Ok do with that little tidbit what you want. I just felt like God wanted me to add a little disclaimer this time.
So apartment living is interesting. We definitely had some issues at the beginning. We had an apartment meeting and nobody wanted to confront one of the girls about all the stuff. So I spoke up and basically said what everyone else was thinking. So we went back and forth and I told her what I thought and what I did not like. And then at the end I was very vulnerable with all my roommates and I said and by the way God is showing me that I think I’m perfect and I don’t think I ever do anything wrong, which is so not the truth, so if I do something that bugs you or upsets you please let me know. The whole idea of confrontation scares me and for me to actually speak up was terrifying but in the end it was all good. I apologized for things that I said behind her back and anything that I said to her face that offended her and there were no harsh words and she didn’t hate me in the end. She didn’t tell me that she was done with me and no longer wanted to be my friend which is what I typically expect to come from confrontation which is why I don’t like to do it. And then my new core leader Amber asked me to eat dinner with her one night and before we started talking and getting to know each other the first thing she said was how impressed she was with how I dealt with the situation and how she loved how vulnerable and open and honest I was. So far it appears I still have my voice and can speak my opinion so let’s pray that continues. I feel like God is teaching me how to have healthy confrontation. The last week or so I have really been having issues with my roommates, and I was really angry at myself because I thought I had been doing so well. I had been crying out to God and asking Him what this was and why was I having such a hard time? It was so ugly! Then the other night in my Life of David class, the teacher CJ was talking about pride in our hearts. He said in God’s loving kindness He will give you sandpaper people (people that rub you the wrong way) and allow the pride to come to the surface so that you can see that it’s there and then ask Him to help you with it. It was such perfect timing. I love how God does that. It was one of those aha moments where it just makes sense. I had been saying that I felt like track 1 God had me in a protective bubble and my roommate situation was basically utopia and there was no huge conflict. However, this time around it feels like the protective bubble has been lifted. So in actuality it’s not a bad thing, but it’s God’s mercy and loving-kindness in keeping me humble and showing me there’s still a lot of pride there. So basically I just need to start praying for my roommates and asking God to show me what He sees and what He likes because the truth is there is nothing wrong with any of them. In the same way that He says I am perfect just the way I am, He says they are perfect just the way they are. If I have issues with them it’s because there’s something in me that needs to be worked on. It was really humbling one night because one of the girls is really loud and I had been talking to God about how annoying her loudness was and how it annoyed me and then that same night she came home all excited and was like God was so kind to me all night tonight. He spent the whole night just telling me how much he loves me and He went on and on about how He loves how loud I am! Haha so that was like ouch knife through the heart. So my prayer now is God give me eyes to see these girls the way you see them and a heart to love them as you love them. We’ll see what happens!
The fun part about this apartment though is one of the girls came up with the idea of secret sister which is basically like secret Santa. We drew names and for the rest of the track we are purposely looking for ways to serve and love on that person. At first I thought the idea was pretty ridiculous but I went along with it since everyone else was. I am actually really enjoying it. One of the things that I’ve been asking God for during this time is to teach me how to listen to the Holy Spirit. When I get married and have children I want to ask God what is one way that I can meet their needs today and then serve them and meet that need without having to ask them what they need. So I’ve been using this secret sister thing as a way to practice. So every day I ask God please show me one way that I can meet her needs today. I haven’t gotten something every day but there have been several times where I feel like God has shown me different things and I’m looking forward to more practice.
So my Pop-Pop did pass away and luckily I was able to go home for the memorial service. I was only home for 2 days though so I didn’t really tell anyone that I was home because obviously it wasn’t a social trip. God is so good. I felt such a peace about him passing and the memorial service was really nice. My sister and cousins walked away from it and at the reception we were all like so do you feel like you didn’t really know Pop-Pop? When they were talking about his life we felt like we learned so much about him that we never knew before. He was a very quiet man and didn’t really share a lot of his life with us. Anyway, it was just a sweet time with family and it was just enough time to help me with my home sickness. I also got to see my great aunt Fern, Pop-Pop’s sister who I hadn’t seen since my grandma passed away like 7 years ago. She’s a little firecracker. I like her a lot and she looked really good for how old she was. While she was in Houston she actually became a great-grandmother. So it was cool to see her and spend some time with her. I also got some good hang out time and I got my hair cut which was long overdo. So all in all it was a nice time at home. I feel like it was just enough to tide me over. I feel like I can make the last 2 months now. This track is going even faster than the first one. I’ll be home before you know it!
So apartment living is interesting. We definitely had some issues at the beginning. We had an apartment meeting and nobody wanted to confront one of the girls about all the stuff. So I spoke up and basically said what everyone else was thinking. So we went back and forth and I told her what I thought and what I did not like. And then at the end I was very vulnerable with all my roommates and I said and by the way God is showing me that I think I’m perfect and I don’t think I ever do anything wrong, which is so not the truth, so if I do something that bugs you or upsets you please let me know. The whole idea of confrontation scares me and for me to actually speak up was terrifying but in the end it was all good. I apologized for things that I said behind her back and anything that I said to her face that offended her and there were no harsh words and she didn’t hate me in the end. She didn’t tell me that she was done with me and no longer wanted to be my friend which is what I typically expect to come from confrontation which is why I don’t like to do it. And then my new core leader Amber asked me to eat dinner with her one night and before we started talking and getting to know each other the first thing she said was how impressed she was with how I dealt with the situation and how she loved how vulnerable and open and honest I was. So far it appears I still have my voice and can speak my opinion so let’s pray that continues. I feel like God is teaching me how to have healthy confrontation. The last week or so I have really been having issues with my roommates, and I was really angry at myself because I thought I had been doing so well. I had been crying out to God and asking Him what this was and why was I having such a hard time? It was so ugly! Then the other night in my Life of David class, the teacher CJ was talking about pride in our hearts. He said in God’s loving kindness He will give you sandpaper people (people that rub you the wrong way) and allow the pride to come to the surface so that you can see that it’s there and then ask Him to help you with it. It was such perfect timing. I love how God does that. It was one of those aha moments where it just makes sense. I had been saying that I felt like track 1 God had me in a protective bubble and my roommate situation was basically utopia and there was no huge conflict. However, this time around it feels like the protective bubble has been lifted. So in actuality it’s not a bad thing, but it’s God’s mercy and loving-kindness in keeping me humble and showing me there’s still a lot of pride there. So basically I just need to start praying for my roommates and asking God to show me what He sees and what He likes because the truth is there is nothing wrong with any of them. In the same way that He says I am perfect just the way I am, He says they are perfect just the way they are. If I have issues with them it’s because there’s something in me that needs to be worked on. It was really humbling one night because one of the girls is really loud and I had been talking to God about how annoying her loudness was and how it annoyed me and then that same night she came home all excited and was like God was so kind to me all night tonight. He spent the whole night just telling me how much he loves me and He went on and on about how He loves how loud I am! Haha so that was like ouch knife through the heart. So my prayer now is God give me eyes to see these girls the way you see them and a heart to love them as you love them. We’ll see what happens!
The fun part about this apartment though is one of the girls came up with the idea of secret sister which is basically like secret Santa. We drew names and for the rest of the track we are purposely looking for ways to serve and love on that person. At first I thought the idea was pretty ridiculous but I went along with it since everyone else was. I am actually really enjoying it. One of the things that I’ve been asking God for during this time is to teach me how to listen to the Holy Spirit. When I get married and have children I want to ask God what is one way that I can meet their needs today and then serve them and meet that need without having to ask them what they need. So I’ve been using this secret sister thing as a way to practice. So every day I ask God please show me one way that I can meet her needs today. I haven’t gotten something every day but there have been several times where I feel like God has shown me different things and I’m looking forward to more practice.
So my Pop-Pop did pass away and luckily I was able to go home for the memorial service. I was only home for 2 days though so I didn’t really tell anyone that I was home because obviously it wasn’t a social trip. God is so good. I felt such a peace about him passing and the memorial service was really nice. My sister and cousins walked away from it and at the reception we were all like so do you feel like you didn’t really know Pop-Pop? When they were talking about his life we felt like we learned so much about him that we never knew before. He was a very quiet man and didn’t really share a lot of his life with us. Anyway, it was just a sweet time with family and it was just enough time to help me with my home sickness. I also got to see my great aunt Fern, Pop-Pop’s sister who I hadn’t seen since my grandma passed away like 7 years ago. She’s a little firecracker. I like her a lot and she looked really good for how old she was. While she was in Houston she actually became a great-grandmother. So it was cool to see her and spend some time with her. I also got some good hang out time and I got my hair cut which was long overdo. So all in all it was a nice time at home. I feel like it was just enough to tide me over. I feel like I can make the last 2 months now. This track is going even faster than the first one. I’ll be home before you know it!
Track 2 (I couldn't think of a clever title)
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Amy
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So I get here for move in and find out that all of my roommates got the same apartment- all except for me. It turns out there were so many new track 1 girls that they had to do some switching around of apartments and the other track 2 apartment is in the track 1 building. So not only did I not get any of my roommates, but I got the same apartment I had for track 1. So I could have left all of my stuff here the whole time! Oh well. So needless to say it was an interesting first week. I have all new roommates and of course because God is teaching me love and humility I got the one girl that I specifically did not want because she annoyed me. You would think by now I would have learned right? It has been an adjustment for sure. I like to think I’m pretty easy going and laid back and my old roommates were basically the same. Not the case with this group. Ah community living. I had a pretty ugly attitude the first 2 days, but I’m doing a lot better now. It would have been easier to keep my old roommates but I guess easy doesn’t go along with growing in love and humility. Go figure! It’s definitely going to be harder this time around.
I have new service assignments this track. Sadly, I no longer drive the shuttle. We do this thing called Hope City on Mondays. We go to the inner city and there is this building called the Kansas City prayer dome and people that live in the inner city come together and have a prayer meeting for the Holy Spirit to fall in Kansas City and then we feed them. It’s run by Mike Bickle’s sister who had a rough past and did jail time and has a heart for the poor and broken. She’s pretty hard core! Anyway I loved hearing the inner city people pray. It was raw and unpolished and a few times I cried because the heart behind the prayer was so beautiful. We’ll go every week and participate in the prayer meeting an d then every other week my service assignment is childcare. Then on Tuesdays I do this thing called the Samuel Company and it’s basically a teaching and then we take the kids into the prayer room and then come back and discuss what happened. It’s actually very similar to Next Generation. I’ll only do that for 3 weeks though because it ends in November. Then I will work at the CEC (children’s equipping center) room on the weekends. It’s basically like Sunday school during the EGS services. You do it once a week and you either work Friday, Saturday, or Sunday. So I’m really excited for that.
As for how God is working. Corey Russell taught last Friday for EGS. He’s a very powerful and anointed speaker and I actually hadn’t seen him at all the first 3 months I was here. Anyway, I thought it was really interesting because my friend Landon had a dream one time and it had me and Corey Russell in it. So I was listening to the message and it was mainly over John 17 and about the knowledge of God and loving God. Basically it was an awesome message. So it came time for ministry time and I was like ok God. I’m not sure if his dream had anything to do with this but I am taking a risk and stepping out and I am expecting you to move in a powerful way. So I went up for ministry time and again my legs started shaking. So whenever this happens I know God is getting ready to do something scary. It’s always good after but in the moment I am terrified beyond words. So the next thing I know Corey’s on the mic and he goes I feel like this is a time of deliverance for some people in this room. He said that God wanted to break the lies about who we thought he was and break in with revelation of his true character. So by this time of course I’m crying and shaking. Well then Corey starts walking around the floor and starts praying for people and he prayed for me! As soon as he put his hand on me my entire body starting shaking uncontrollably. Now God has shaken me before but this was crazy. I don’t even want to imagine what I looked like. Then 2 more guys came and joined him so all three of them were praying for me and when they came I let out a scream. I couldn’t even try to stop it, it just came. But then when it was done and I stopped shaking I breathed in and out real slow and an overwhelming sense of peace came over me. Then I opened my eyes and I was facing an entirely different direction. I don’t understand why God does it that way. Then later that night when we were waiting for class to start I was telling some of the girls what happened and they were like, that was you? A lot of them said when they saw Corey start to walk around and pray for people they sat down because they were sca red of what might happen if he prayed for them. I had my eyes closed so I didn’t even know it was him until after and they told me what they saw. I walked away with a heart of gratitude. I was like God I don’t understand why you do it this way and I actually really hate it in the moment but thank you that you love me enough to have Corey Russell pray for me. I feel like I’m to the point of I don’t care what it takes, do whatever you need to do God! At the end I felt like I was finally in a place where I can start receiving what God has for me. And it’s been true. Almost every night this week in the prayer room during the worship with the word set something that was sung totally spoke to my heart and I cried for a good portion of the 2 hour set. Pray for more!
On a sweet note, at the very beginning of track 1, during the intercession sets we pray for people who need healing in their bodies and there was an older man who stood up and nobody went to him so I went to him and prayed for his Alzheimers. That was the first time I prayed for healing too because normally there’s a lot of other people around that will do it. Anyway after that for the rest of the track he always sat by me. At first I thought it was just my imagination but then all my roommates notice d and asked me about it and I never knew why. I thought maybe he got healed when I prayed. He even asked one of roommates what my name was in the hallway one time. So tonight he was sitting behind me and just randomly during one of the sets he tapped on my shoulder and asked me if I could pray for him. So I did and then he told me that he was so blessed by me the first time I prayed for him and he just liked being in my presence and anytime I wanted to pray for him I was more than welcome. So that made me feel good.
On a sad note, Pop-Pop (my grandfather) got hospitalized this past week and it turns out he has a very aggressive stage 4 cancer basically all over his body. They thought he was going to make it a few months but I talked to my mom yesterday and they’re not even sure he’s going to make it through the weekend. This was so sudden and totally came out of nowhere. So anyway it looks like he’s going to pass away soon and I’m going to be going home for the funeral. I don’t know when because the doctors don’t know yet. So anyway if you could keep me and my family in your prayers for that it would be awesome. It’s my mom’s dad so she’s going to have the hardest time with it. Just pray for peace for the family and no pain for Pop-Pop. Si nce it is so sudden I feel like it’s more difficult for us but I feel like the suddenness is God’s mercy and loving-kindness for Pop-Pop. He’s doing it quickly instead of allowing him to suffer for months or years. God is always good and always in control no matter what the circumstance.
I have new service assignments this track. Sadly, I no longer drive the shuttle. We do this thing called Hope City on Mondays. We go to the inner city and there is this building called the Kansas City prayer dome and people that live in the inner city come together and have a prayer meeting for the Holy Spirit to fall in Kansas City and then we feed them. It’s run by Mike Bickle’s sister who had a rough past and did jail time and has a heart for the poor and broken. She’s pretty hard core! Anyway I loved hearing the inner city people pray. It was raw and unpolished and a few times I cried because the heart behind the prayer was so beautiful. We’ll go every week and participate in the prayer meeting an d then every other week my service assignment is childcare. Then on Tuesdays I do this thing called the Samuel Company and it’s basically a teaching and then we take the kids into the prayer room and then come back and discuss what happened. It’s actually very similar to Next Generation. I’ll only do that for 3 weeks though because it ends in November. Then I will work at the CEC (children’s equipping center) room on the weekends. It’s basically like Sunday school during the EGS services. You do it once a week and you either work Friday, Saturday, or Sunday. So I’m really excited for that.
As for how God is working. Corey Russell taught last Friday for EGS. He’s a very powerful and anointed speaker and I actually hadn’t seen him at all the first 3 months I was here. Anyway, I thought it was really interesting because my friend Landon had a dream one time and it had me and Corey Russell in it. So I was listening to the message and it was mainly over John 17 and about the knowledge of God and loving God. Basically it was an awesome message. So it came time for ministry time and I was like ok God. I’m not sure if his dream had anything to do with this but I am taking a risk and stepping out and I am expecting you to move in a powerful way. So I went up for ministry time and again my legs started shaking. So whenever this happens I know God is getting ready to do something scary. It’s always good after but in the moment I am terrified beyond words. So the next thing I know Corey’s on the mic and he goes I feel like this is a time of deliverance for some people in this room. He said that God wanted to break the lies about who we thought he was and break in with revelation of his true character. So by this time of course I’m crying and shaking. Well then Corey starts walking around the floor and starts praying for people and he prayed for me! As soon as he put his hand on me my entire body starting shaking uncontrollably. Now God has shaken me before but this was crazy. I don’t even want to imagine what I looked like. Then 2 more guys came and joined him so all three of them were praying for me and when they came I let out a scream. I couldn’t even try to stop it, it just came. But then when it was done and I stopped shaking I breathed in and out real slow and an overwhelming sense of peace came over me. Then I opened my eyes and I was facing an entirely different direction. I don’t understand why God does it that way. Then later that night when we were waiting for class to start I was telling some of the girls what happened and they were like, that was you? A lot of them said when they saw Corey start to walk around and pray for people they sat down because they were sca red of what might happen if he prayed for them. I had my eyes closed so I didn’t even know it was him until after and they told me what they saw. I walked away with a heart of gratitude. I was like God I don’t understand why you do it this way and I actually really hate it in the moment but thank you that you love me enough to have Corey Russell pray for me. I feel like I’m to the point of I don’t care what it takes, do whatever you need to do God! At the end I felt like I was finally in a place where I can start receiving what God has for me. And it’s been true. Almost every night this week in the prayer room during the worship with the word set something that was sung totally spoke to my heart and I cried for a good portion of the 2 hour set. Pray for more!
On a sweet note, at the very beginning of track 1, during the intercession sets we pray for people who need healing in their bodies and there was an older man who stood up and nobody went to him so I went to him and prayed for his Alzheimers. That was the first time I prayed for healing too because normally there’s a lot of other people around that will do it. Anyway after that for the rest of the track he always sat by me. At first I thought it was just my imagination but then all my roommates notice d and asked me about it and I never knew why. I thought maybe he got healed when I prayed. He even asked one of roommates what my name was in the hallway one time. So tonight he was sitting behind me and just randomly during one of the sets he tapped on my shoulder and asked me if I could pray for him. So I did and then he told me that he was so blessed by me the first time I prayed for him and he just liked being in my presence and anytime I wanted to pray for him I was more than welcome. So that made me feel good.
On a sad note, Pop-Pop (my grandfather) got hospitalized this past week and it turns out he has a very aggressive stage 4 cancer basically all over his body. They thought he was going to make it a few months but I talked to my mom yesterday and they’re not even sure he’s going to make it through the weekend. This was so sudden and totally came out of nowhere. So anyway it looks like he’s going to pass away soon and I’m going to be going home for the funeral. I don’t know when because the doctors don’t know yet. So anyway if you could keep me and my family in your prayers for that it would be awesome. It’s my mom’s dad so she’s going to have the hardest time with it. Just pray for peace for the family and no pain for Pop-Pop. Si nce it is so sudden I feel like it’s more difficult for us but I feel like the suddenness is God’s mercy and loving-kindness for Pop-Pop. He’s doing it quickly instead of allowing him to suffer for months or years. God is always good and always in control no matter what the circumstance.
3 Months Down...3 To Go
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Amy
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So I am officially done with track 1. This may have been the fastest 3 months of my life! It’s been such an emotional roller coaster. This last month has been really painful. God is definitely teaching me to take up my cross and follow Him. I am learning to deny myself and die to my old sinful worldly self and I have to tell you that it is not a fun process. When God said that He was going to woo me and romance me this was not exactly what I had in mind. I’m super grateful though because I know that in order to truly live, first I must die. Gotta love the inside outside upside down kingdom where everything He asks you to do is completely opposite of how the world tells you to live. This past month has been continued revelation of my darkness. The more I read the Bible I see how sinful and ugly humanity is. The problem that’s going to increase the closer we get to Jesus coming back is that a humanistic religion is going to start and basically it’s where you think that at the core all people are good and if we just try to be good and are nice to people and try not to do sinful things then we will be good. Humanity’s biggest issue is that as humans we think we can do it ourselves. And as it turns out that’s all that pride is. The idea that we can do it on our own without any help. Turns out I’m super prideful. I’m really starting to get an understanding of pride and of true humility. I’m still working on it though. The more I have studied the Bible and really read about the one world religion that is coming I have realized how easy I could fall into that because at my core I believe that I am good. Like Peter, I don’t believe that my flesh is weak. So this past month has been God’s loving kindness in showing me who and what I really am. LIKE THE REST, I am a creature of God’s wrath! I am no exception to the rule. At my core I am dark and ugly and sinful and capable of unthinkable crimes. There is no good in me. God is so good! He is so gentle and His timing is perfect in how He’s showing me all this. Because at the same time He’s mercifully bringing up my darkness, He’s reminding me that He sees lovely because He sees me through the finished work of the cross and He sees me through the righteousness and blood of Jesus. I always understood that Jesus died on the cross for our sins but like I said before I felt like there was more and I didn’t really understand what all that meant. God has been so good to bring me more and more revelation of the cross and it has birthed in me such a heart of gratitude and thankfulness. He died for me when I hated Him. He took on every one of my sins and shame and grief. He who was perfect and was without sin became sin for me. When I hated Him! I don’t even think I’ve fully grasped it yet but I get a little more every day. It is a miracle that I chose Him. Like the rest, I hated Him and He has set His love on me and the only reason I love Him is because He first loved me. BUT Jesus! Oh the beauty of this man! I was eternally dammed to hell and I was separated from God forever but because of His one act of love on the cross, I can now have a relationship with God. It blows my mind!
So this month IHOP celebrated 10 years of continuous 24/7 worship and prayer. Mike Bickle who is the leader of IHOP spent 8 sessions going over the prophetic history of IHOP. Basically what that means is he went back through his life and told stories of ways that God spoke to him whether through dreams or through other people (prophecy) and his journey to how IHOP came to be. It was so fascinating! Then the last day he talked about where they are going to go from here and there are some pretty cool things they talked about. So it’s just been a really cool time to be here and experience this event. I love how as all the people who have been here since the beginning were recounting memories of the past 10 years they talked about the beginning and how it all started. They started in a trailer and had like 2 or 3 people in the room besides the worship team and most of the time someone from the team would have to leave the stage and go back to the sound board. And they all said the room smelled awful. But as they’re telling all of these funny stories, they all said that those were some of their favorite times. It made me think about the Katy prayer room and how we had and still have the same issues and it made me really excited that I get to experience the “trailer days” in Katy. I also love how as he’s been talking about IHOP he’s made a point to say but it’s not just IHOP. It’s a prayer movement and that means wherever the spirit of God is, these promises are for them too. I’ve been emailing back and forth with people and they are feeling the same thing in Katy that we’re feeling here. I love that God has leadership in Katy that has ears to hear what the spirit is saying! I’ve been really thankful that God has me here during this specific time. I prayed about coming back in December and I didn’t feel like I was supposed to and I just keep thinking what if I hadn’t trusted what I was feeling and came then? Don’t get me wrong it probably still would have been good but I would have missed out on so much. In track 2 I get to work with the Samuel Company which is a new children’s ministry and back in December it wouldn’t have started yet. So I would have missed what I’m thinking is a pretty big reason of why I am here. Also Mike is getting ready for the next couple of months to do a series on signs of the times every Friday and Saturday which is not what he normally does and I’m going to be here for all of it. He’s going to go through the Bible and discuss how current events apply to what the Bible says about the generation we are living in. I just feel that this is a very significant time and I am in awe of the fact that God has me here to experience it right now. I am so convinced that I hear from God. God speaks to me (maybe not always how I want) but He speaks and I hear Him. I know His voice! I don’t have to rely on other people to tell me what they think God is saying to me. I can trust what I hear and what I feel. Praise the Lamb!
So I am between tracks right now. I have 2 days where I get to relax and get ready for track 2. I’m nervous and excited all at the same time. The next track 1 is going to be huge. This time around all of fire in the night was about 50 people with 10 of those being track 2. This next time we as track 2 will have about 20 that are staying and then track 1 is going to have somewhere between 60-65! We’re going to have almost twice as many people. It’s a little overwhelming to think about. I just spent 3 months getting used to the people that were here and now a whole bunch of new people are coming in. It’s been a real lesson in loving people and keeping your heart open knowing that people are going to leave. There was one girl in the apartment next to me named Tiffany that I just adored. She was so precious and sweet and I really feel like it was a divine appointment that I got to meet her. She left a week early and it was so hard! This track wasn’t so hard to say goodbye except for her because all but 1 of my roommates are staying but if we are roommates again next track, the end is going to be really hard because we have really bonded and become like sisters and then it will be 6 months not just 3. It’s good though. In the past I have gotten really attached to people and I believe God is teaching me how to hold people loosely. It’s a total gift from God that Ginnette and I are here at the same time but the reality is that in December when I go back to Katy, she stays here. And then only God knows what will happen when I get back to Katy. I’ve been really homesick and I miss you guys a lot! The stupid devil has been telling me lies that nobody misses me and that everyone has moved on and forgotten about me. But then in the midst of it, I’ll get a text or email or message on facebook or phone call from someone and it helps a lot. I know this is where I am supposed to be right now but it doesn’t make it any easier. So just know that you are loved and missed and in my prayers. My core leader Wendy has been amazing though and really helped me with the whole keeping your heart open and being vulnerable thing. She told me the other day that she has seen so much growth in me in that area. When I first got here I was very honest with her about why I had come and how I was feeling towards God that He was not doing things my way and in my timing. She said I was very hard and defensive and closed off at the beginning. (ouchie but true nonetheless) But she said now my heart is so open and I have let people in and let them love me and I have risked loving others and being vulnerable. She told me it’s beautiful =)
Prayer points:
Grace, strength, patience, and endurance for track 2. It is much harder and I have like no free time except for my Sabbath.
Greater revelation of my darkness and the cross
Greater revelation of my loveliness and God’s emotions and affections toward me
Help to set my gaze and focus my mind on Jesus and no other distractions
Grace to take up my cross and die to myself and do what God is daily asking of me
Greater understanding of true humility versus pride
Vision for a children’s equipping center in Katy
My mom, dad, and Jen- I love hearing how God is working in each of them!
***That I truly would be fully satisfied in God and God alone no matter the circumstances***
So this month IHOP celebrated 10 years of continuous 24/7 worship and prayer. Mike Bickle who is the leader of IHOP spent 8 sessions going over the prophetic history of IHOP. Basically what that means is he went back through his life and told stories of ways that God spoke to him whether through dreams or through other people (prophecy) and his journey to how IHOP came to be. It was so fascinating! Then the last day he talked about where they are going to go from here and there are some pretty cool things they talked about. So it’s just been a really cool time to be here and experience this event. I love how as all the people who have been here since the beginning were recounting memories of the past 10 years they talked about the beginning and how it all started. They started in a trailer and had like 2 or 3 people in the room besides the worship team and most of the time someone from the team would have to leave the stage and go back to the sound board. And they all said the room smelled awful. But as they’re telling all of these funny stories, they all said that those were some of their favorite times. It made me think about the Katy prayer room and how we had and still have the same issues and it made me really excited that I get to experience the “trailer days” in Katy. I also love how as he’s been talking about IHOP he’s made a point to say but it’s not just IHOP. It’s a prayer movement and that means wherever the spirit of God is, these promises are for them too. I’ve been emailing back and forth with people and they are feeling the same thing in Katy that we’re feeling here. I love that God has leadership in Katy that has ears to hear what the spirit is saying! I’ve been really thankful that God has me here during this specific time. I prayed about coming back in December and I didn’t feel like I was supposed to and I just keep thinking what if I hadn’t trusted what I was feeling and came then? Don’t get me wrong it probably still would have been good but I would have missed out on so much. In track 2 I get to work with the Samuel Company which is a new children’s ministry and back in December it wouldn’t have started yet. So I would have missed what I’m thinking is a pretty big reason of why I am here. Also Mike is getting ready for the next couple of months to do a series on signs of the times every Friday and Saturday which is not what he normally does and I’m going to be here for all of it. He’s going to go through the Bible and discuss how current events apply to what the Bible says about the generation we are living in. I just feel that this is a very significant time and I am in awe of the fact that God has me here to experience it right now. I am so convinced that I hear from God. God speaks to me (maybe not always how I want) but He speaks and I hear Him. I know His voice! I don’t have to rely on other people to tell me what they think God is saying to me. I can trust what I hear and what I feel. Praise the Lamb!
So I am between tracks right now. I have 2 days where I get to relax and get ready for track 2. I’m nervous and excited all at the same time. The next track 1 is going to be huge. This time around all of fire in the night was about 50 people with 10 of those being track 2. This next time we as track 2 will have about 20 that are staying and then track 1 is going to have somewhere between 60-65! We’re going to have almost twice as many people. It’s a little overwhelming to think about. I just spent 3 months getting used to the people that were here and now a whole bunch of new people are coming in. It’s been a real lesson in loving people and keeping your heart open knowing that people are going to leave. There was one girl in the apartment next to me named Tiffany that I just adored. She was so precious and sweet and I really feel like it was a divine appointment that I got to meet her. She left a week early and it was so hard! This track wasn’t so hard to say goodbye except for her because all but 1 of my roommates are staying but if we are roommates again next track, the end is going to be really hard because we have really bonded and become like sisters and then it will be 6 months not just 3. It’s good though. In the past I have gotten really attached to people and I believe God is teaching me how to hold people loosely. It’s a total gift from God that Ginnette and I are here at the same time but the reality is that in December when I go back to Katy, she stays here. And then only God knows what will happen when I get back to Katy. I’ve been really homesick and I miss you guys a lot! The stupid devil has been telling me lies that nobody misses me and that everyone has moved on and forgotten about me. But then in the midst of it, I’ll get a text or email or message on facebook or phone call from someone and it helps a lot. I know this is where I am supposed to be right now but it doesn’t make it any easier. So just know that you are loved and missed and in my prayers. My core leader Wendy has been amazing though and really helped me with the whole keeping your heart open and being vulnerable thing. She told me the other day that she has seen so much growth in me in that area. When I first got here I was very honest with her about why I had come and how I was feeling towards God that He was not doing things my way and in my timing. She said I was very hard and defensive and closed off at the beginning. (ouchie but true nonetheless) But she said now my heart is so open and I have let people in and let them love me and I have risked loving others and being vulnerable. She told me it’s beautiful =)
Prayer points:
Grace, strength, patience, and endurance for track 2. It is much harder and I have like no free time except for my Sabbath.
Greater revelation of my darkness and the cross
Greater revelation of my loveliness and God’s emotions and affections toward me
Help to set my gaze and focus my mind on Jesus and no other distractions
Grace to take up my cross and die to myself and do what God is daily asking of me
Greater understanding of true humility versus pride
Vision for a children’s equipping center in Katy
My mom, dad, and Jen- I love hearing how God is working in each of them!
***That I truly would be fully satisfied in God and God alone no matter the circumstances***
I Am An Intercessor
Posted by
Amy
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This time is going by so fast! I only have 1 more month left of track 1 and then it’s track 2 so only 4 months left. I thought 6 months was going to drag on but it’s flying by! All of my roommates are staying for track 2 so we’re hoping to be put in the same apartment together. They said they don’t take requests but they’ll keep it in the back of their mind. So we’ll see what happens. I paid all of my money and I looked at my bank account after and let’s just say God is giving me a lesson in learning to trust Him with my money, among other things. It’s so strange to only be withdrawing and not depositing anything. So it just keeps going down and getting smaller and smaller but it’s all good. God is good and I trust Him to provide when I come home, whatever that looks like. Anyway, this past couple of weeks has been good but sobering. IHOP is coming up on their 10 year anniversary so it’s a really cool time to be here but they’re kind of looking at the last 10 years and where they are and where they see themselves going in the next few years and there have been a couple of awesome messages the past=2 02 Sundays during FCF. (That’s basically their church service on Sundays). It’s been really cool to hear what God has been putting on the leaders’ hearts. I’ll kind of go into some background for me before I continue because it totally applies. So the very first time I came to the onething conference I kept seeing these signs all around the place for the children’s equipping center and I was curious as to what it was about. Well on the last day of the conference they brought a kid up to pray on the mic and the whole time he was praying I was just crying and had no idea why. Then they turned on some music and the kids started dancing to this worship song and again I just started bawling. So I was like God what is this? Why am I crying? Then this was the first time I know that I heard God’s voice. I can’t explain it I just know. So I heard Him go “you should do that”. And I said do what? Then He goes “start a children’s equipping center in Katy.” Then I just laughed and said yeah ok. At that point I hadn’t even taught Sunday school yet. But I filed it away in the back of my mind. Then one Sunday in church, Jim preached a message on the by faith chapter. I can’t remember which one it is. I think it’s in Hebrews somewhere? But basically during our prayer altar time we were supposed to go to God and ask Him to finish this sentence. By faith Amy… And this is th e 2nd time I really felt like I know God spoke to me and He said “by faith Amy led the next generation into the Lord’s battle”. So basically I have really had a heart for children and I feel an urgency to see them prepared for Jesus’ return. Anytime people are praying I immediately go to children and the next generation. So 2 Sundays ago Daniel Lim gave a message about what was on his heart. His message really focused on asking the Lord for the burden of His heart and then at this 10 year mark kind of starting from the beginning again and asking God to teach us how to pray. He just stressed how important it is to labor in prayer and to remember that the best thing we can be doing right now is praying. He said it’s easy to get wrapped up in thinking it’s a waste of time but we have to push through and partner with God and partner with His heart. The other day one of my teachers made the point that John the Baptist labored in the place of prayer for 18 years for an 18 month ministry. He said sometimes we get so wrapped up in the wanting to go that we neglect to see the importance of the preparation time before God tells us to “go”. That was a really cool illustration. So anyway, at the end of the message there was a ministry time and basically we were just crying out to God to teach us how to pray and to give us the burdens of His heart. Now I love to worship but I don’t feel like I really20have any burdens to pray except for children and I see everybody else with burdens for all kinds of different things (yes here is the comparison thing I’m not supposed to do) so I have been crying out to the Lord asking Him for the burden of His heart so the whole message and prayer time was so timely and an answer to pray. So during the prayer time I felt like I heard God say “Amy I am marking you tonight as an intercessor. You will know the burdens of my heart because you will know my heart.” So that was cool but I still struggle with how do I know if that was God? All it is, is a thought in my head. And I go back and forth like well that’s what I wanted to hear so I must have just made it up. It’s a constant struggle but it’s just part of the journey. So as I’m wrestling in my head wondering if I really heard it or not, Daniel gets on the mic and goes I feel like even right now the Lord is marking some of you as intercessors. So I of course laugh and said ok sorry God I get it. God really makes me laugh sometimes. So there was this man standing in front of me the whole prayer time and he has the most precious little baby girl. She seriously looks like a doll. Well the whole time I felt like I was supposed to pray for her. So I was wrestling in my head and going back and forth and then he walked back by me and so I asked him if I could pray for her and he said yes. So I put my hand on her little shoulder and started to pray and all of a sudden she just reached for me. So I held her and she was just so calm and seemed to be at home in my arms. I don’t typically hold babies either because I am afraid I am going to drop them and break them (I know, God’s working on this whole fear thing) but I didn’t really have a choice here. As I continued to pray for her, her eyes were just locked on mine the whole time. I can’t explain it but it was like she could see something inside me as I prayed for her. I hope it was good! I have no way to really describe it but praying for her was just amazing. Then when I was done I was like huh maybe that’s how you know you’re supposed to pray for someone. That had never happened before and I always wondered how people knew they were supposed to pray for someone. So that message was impacting but then this past Sunday was even more so. Allen Hood talked about what was on his heart and it was very similar to Daniel Lim’s. He said he feels an urgency to prepare this next generation for Jesus’ return and that we are in an urgent hour. We need to humble ourselves and pray and cry out for mercy for our children and grandchildren. It totally confirmed everything that I have felt and haven’t understood. It was like he put words to what I had been feeling but didn’t know how to express. I felt like God told me “see Amy you have had20my burden the whole time. Now I’m letting others in on it too”. I of course cried the entire message. I highly recommend anyone who is in church leadership or works with youth (mercy street especially) to go back and listen to his message if you can. I’ll only tell you about the ones I really feel are important and this may be the most important one I’ve heard so far. It was last Sunday’s FCF service. It sold out in the bookstore and they are still trying to make more copies for everyone that wants one. If you don’t have access to the archives email me and I will give you my password so you can go back and listen. This message truly stirs your spirit that the time is now to get ready for battle! It was a heavy word. One of the most impacting things he said at the very end was something to the effect of we cannot flirt with darkness. If we have trouble with it now, what are we going to do when the darkness keeps increasing? So that’s really been where my heart has focused. The church as a whole is so asleep and has no idea that a huge storm is coming. As we get nearer to Jesus coming back, the darkness is only going to increase and we need to discern the hour we are living in. We need to start pursuing righteousness and holiness now so that we can begin to prepare our children. I personally believe that we could see the Lord return in this generation and we will be here when everything goes down. But whether we are or not, we are doing a disservice to these future generations and our children and grandchildren if we do not prepare them for what’s coming. Maybe I’m wrong and we won’t see Jesus return in this generation or the next, but what if I’m right? Are our kids ready? Are we ready? Nobody knows for sure the day or the hour but I want to be ready and waiting, not living like it’s business as usual and totally be caught off guard. And I have an urgency to make sure that this next generation is ready and waiting and not swept away with the wicked and seduced by the darkness. So like I said it’s been good but sobering. Ever since that message I’ve really been burdened (I have the Lord’s burden!!) to pray for an outpouring of the Holy Spirit in Katy, especially in the children. Then I got an email from the house of prayer in Katy that they are doing a 21 day fast. I got so excited! I am totally partnering with you guys in prayer even though I am not there. I just feel like something big is getting ready to happen. Then I found out that some ministries at Grace are beginning to fast on Tuesdays. I do that too so I’m totally joining you guys and partnering in prayer with you here too. I just really have an expectation for God to move in Katy. Ginnette and I joked before we moved up here about how God was gonna move in Katy while we were up at IHOP and we would miss it. Then we were both talking about it20tonight and we both feel like it’s getting ready to happen. Pray that God would give me grace to do what He’s asking me to do day by day and stop looking ahead. Other than that please pray that God will keep speaking truth to my heart and that I would encounter how He feels about me and I would see what He sees when He looks at me. And pray that it warms up! It’s only September and I’m already cold! It’s perfect when the sun is out but I’m hardly out when the sun is out. My roommates told me they will take me shopping since I don’t know how to dress for when it really starts to get cold. So we’ll see what happens there. I miss you guys so much!!
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