Breakthrough...It's Gradual But I'm Still Grateful

June 13, 2011

As of July, I will have officially been in Kansas City a year! Does that seem crazy to anyone else? It’s been a while since I wrote on here so let me do a quick update on my life for ya’ll. My roommate and I moved out of the basement and upstairs into the regular part of the house in April. It has been such a dramatic change! I wasn’t like depressed or anything in the basement, but since moving upstairs, I have noticed a huge change in my attitude and general well-being. It’s amazing what a little sunshine and fresh air can do for a person. I am officially on my summer break, but honestly there’s not a whole lot that has changed in my schedule. The dude that leads the nightwatch students put a lot of things in place that will help us stay focused and help our hearts to stay burning over the summer, instead of becoming dull and losing ground. I have found the spiritual principle to be true that if you are not moving forward, you are losing ground. There is no standing still, and given the time we are living in, quite honestly we just don’t have time to lose ground. I am super grateful for his leadership and how it is keeping me focused. I am still on nights and I am in the process of trying to find a summer job. I have put in many applications and have as of yet been pretty unfruitful. It’s hard to find a job that will work with the nightwatch schedule. So prayers for that would be awesome. I have started working in the nightwatch children’s equipping center (CEC)! It is so much fun and it’s nice to be putting my gift of teaching in use again. I started last month and I do it twice a week. One night I work with 1s and 2s and the other night I do the 3-5 year olds. I am definitely being stretched in the babies room because I just don’t have a lot of experience with babies, but it is definitely a good stretching. I don’t care what age. I just love to teach kids about Jesus! As the school year ended, I prayed and sought the Lord about next year and what it looked like and I feel like it looks like doing another year at FSM so as of right now that is my plan. I am absolutely loving school and I know that I know that I know that I am where I am supposed to be and doing exactly what the Lord wants me to do for this season of my life.

OK so on to the important stuff. What is God teaching me? This quarter I had 2 classes: Song of Solomon with Shelley Hundley and Eternal Glory of an Intercessor with Corey Russell. I was the most excited about Eternal Glory because everyone that has taken it has said it rocked their world. My world was absolutely rocked!

I didn’t really know how I felt about Song of Solomon because quite frankly I kinda think of myself as an expert on the book. Going into the class I was very prideful and kinda had an attitude of I know it all already, what else can I possibly learn? And honestly I do know a lot about Song of Solomon. I have read all Mike’s notes and listened to the teachings, I have read books about it, and basically anything I could get my hands on related to us as the church being the Bride of Christ I was all over it. I mean my friends know me as the Song of Solomon girl. The beginning of class was honestly pretty boring because she really just went over Mike’s notes again, which I had studied on my own before, during, as well as after Fire in the night. I can tell you all the breakdowns of the 8 chapters and what’s going on with the bride in each season and what she is doing or not doing and what God is doing or not doing. But when it really comes down to it, none of that matters if it’s just head knowledge. I want heart knowledge, experiential knowledge! One of my teachers has a saying that goes somewhat to the effect of you may know the Bible, but does the Bible know you? I know Song of Solomon, but sadly I’ve realized, it just doesn’t know me yet. We had to do several assignments where we actually had to go really deep into the book and I came out with one conclusion. I did not know near as much as I thought I did. In fact, after this class I feel like I know less than I did going in. Which of course has left me very frustrated. I see growth in so many areas of my life and in my walk with God, but there are still things that I have been crying out for for years and for whatever reason He is just choosing not to answer just yet. You know how when people pass you in the hall and ask you how are you? I feel like I never know how to answer that question. Circumstantially my life is great and I love my friends and school and the prayer room and Kansas City. But at the same time I am just not ok. I keep trying to put into words exactly what it is that I want from God and I just don’t know if I can articulate it. I want Him to make it real to my heart. I want to believe that everything I’m learning and what I am reading about in the Bible is actually true for me today. I want to know that He actually wants me as much as I want Him. Now you all know that I want a hug from God and I want Him to hold me until I believe He loves me, but at the same time I don’t want to control Him and He can manifest Himself to me in whatever way He wants…just so long as He comes! I want Him to manifest His presence on my heart. If you pray only one thing for me, make it that. So I’m good but at the same time until Jesus makes Himself real to my heart, I am just not ok. My hunger and longing has only multiplied this semester and when people have prayed for me they say it’s a season where God is enlarging my capacity to receive His love. That’s great and all I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, but how much longer? Isn’t my capacity large enough yet? What is He waiting for? One poor unsuspecting guy prayed for more hunger for me and I actually yelled at him and then told God not to give me anymore if He wasn’t going to answer it. Of course I later apologized to the guy and he was really understanding. Several months back one of the students got a word for me and she said that the Lord was getting ready to take me into a season where He wanted to tell me that I am His beloved and He wanted me to feel His love on my heart. At first I got so excited and had a huge expectation that it was coming soon, but that was months ago. I’m still clinging to the promise but I am so weary of believing it may happen and then being let down when it doesn’t. I mean I am asking God for the same thing I was asking Him for before I even moved here. Granted I know in comparison to some people who have been interceding for way longer that seems like nothing but to me 3 or 4 years is an eternity. A couple weeks back I went up for an alter call and the girl asked me what I wanted prayer for and I told her and as I was talking I just burst into tears and couldn’t contain them. She was so sweet and sincere and filled with compassion and all she said was Oh, you’re lovesick! To which I just burst out into more tears. Not that I needed to be validated but sometimes I wonder what is this that I feel and she basically put it into words for me. So that’s what it comes down to. I am lovesick. Nothing will satisfy me until He comes and I am not ok until He comes. I need Jesus.

On a super encouraging note, this semester it has also been interesting to actually see how God has been answering my prayers and actually experience personal change and growth in myself. I have loved being a nightwatch student. I daily wrestle with the constant nagging fear of “missing out” by being on nights, but when it comes down to it, the positives far outweigh the negatives. Anyway we had about 60 students total on nightwatch this year and about a third of those were first years like me. Every morning from 3-4 AM we would gather in a side room and we would pray together for IHOPU. Praying together really does bind your hearts and bring you together in unity. We have really become like a little family and it has been so awesome. We have also done a lot of group hang-outs outside of the prayer room that were non-school related. On top of that, I am getting connected to other nightwatchers through some of my other friends on nights. Basically I am finally meeting people outside of the prayer room and hanging out in group settings. Now to some of you this probably doesn’t seem like a huge deal, but the other day I was thinking about it and I realized how big of a deal it actually is. I got to thinking about growing up, even in high school and college and how I would hate to be in new situations where I didn’t really know anyone. If I was placed in those situations, I would pretty much just stay off to the side and hope someone would talk to me or cling to the few people I may know there. The other night I was at a game night where I actually only knew 2 girls. Over the course of the night I met several new people, mostly guys, and really had a lot of fun. That night when I got home I was thinking back over the night and analyzing myself (still working on this…baby steps) but I think it was a good analyzing because I came to the conclusion that I am actually starting to have confidence in who I am and I am able to be myself in a new context with strangers without worrying what they are thinking about me and I feel like that in itself is huge breakthrough. I’m starting to see that maybe I am actually catching on to some of this identity stuff I keep asking the Lord to tell me about. It appears that He actually is answering my prayers to root me and ground me in my identity in Him. Turns out sitting in a gray chair 6 hours a night singing and talking to Jesus really is making a difference. Prayer really is working!

There’s Something Bigger Going On…There’s Someone Bigger Than Me…He’s HOLY!

March 12, 2011

This week is spring break! However you would not be able to tell it by the weather. I am so done with winter. I slipped and fell on the ice 3 times in the past month. I have had some gnarly bruises. (Yes that is an interesting word choice but I could not think of another that would do it justice) Once I fell down my stairs and the others I slipped on the sidewalk. I felt like an 80 year old lady. I was sore for several days after but luckily I did not break a hip. =P I mean the snow was cool to see and play in once but that’s all I needed and then I’m totally cool to move on with things. I cannot wait until I get to wear tank tops and flip flops again.

I am going to be moving next month. Not far though- just upstairs. The landlady bought a new house and she and the chick upstairs are going to be moving there. So she offered me and my roommate to move upstairs. My rent won’t change or anything and I won’t have to live in a basement. We will have a full kitchen with a dishwasher and garbage disposal, which we do not have down here. Plus we won’t have to buy any furniture because our lease is for a furnished apartment so she’s either going to move up what’s down here in the basement with us, or if it won’t fit, buy us new stuff. Pretty much a win-win. Although I’m not super excited about moving my furniture upstairs but it shouldn’t be too bad. She moves the first week of April so we will move shortly after that. Plus she doesn’t have time to pack so she’s going to give me $10/hr to pack up her stuff. Praise the Lamb!

I moved back to the nightwatch this semester. I love nights and I was so excited to go back but when it came time to actually make the decision, I actually questioned it a lot. My main fear was that I was going to miss out on getting to know the daytime students better since our schedules would be so different. There’s like 300 first year students and while I know faces pretty well, I haven’t really had a chance to really meet people and talk to them. (Partly due to my own shyness) So I was basically afraid I wasn’t going to get to know people because I would be hidden on the nightwatch. So that first night I found out I could go back on nights I went to bed and I was still pretty unsure if I really was going to do it or not. However, that night I got woken up twice, once at 2:00 A.M. and then again at 4:30 A.M. This had never happened before. I woke up out of a dead sleep and was worshiping in my bed. I didn’t wake up and then start singing. No I woke up because I was singing! I mean I had hands up in the air and everything. Both times! It was the most bizarre thing. I was really hot and threw my covers off both times and I think it was the fire of the Lord. I didn’t “feel” the presence of God or hear or see anything but something was definitely going on. So needless to say, I took that as confirmation to go back on nights. I was telling one of my friends what happened and she felt like the Lord showed her that Him waking me up twice meant I was going to get a double portion if I chose nights. So I receive it! So it’s definitely been a battle, but when it comes down to it, I am wired for the nights. If God wants to hide me there then He can.

Ok now on to the important stuff. What is God doing? Isn’t that the million dollar question? This semester has felt like a whirlwind. This quarter my classes were Excellencies of Christ with Allen Hood and Foundations of Prophetic Ministry with Shelley Hundley. The winter has been crazy and we have had some intense snow storms and a lot of our classes actually got cancelled so I kinda feel jipped. Like for instance, Allen’s class has 3 sessions on the cross of Jesus alone and we didn’t get to any of them. But we just found out that we are going to get recordings of all the classes we missed so it’s not all bad. The Holy Spirit has definitely been doing some interesting stuff. Probably about 2 weeks ago, Holy Spirit showed up in Allen’s class. His session was supposed to be on the zeal of the Lord. He only got like one sentence into his teaching and then he stopped and said “I feel the jealousy of the Lord over this class.” Then he launched into an exhortation to the students that if anyone was living a double life in sexual immorality or carousing and getting drunk that they needed to rethink what they were doing. After that he tried to go back to teaching and he stopped and said he felt like if he continued with his lesson, God was going to strike him down. He had never felt the fear of the Lord like that and he felt like he had to continue in the same vain. Then all of a sudden Shelley was on the stage telling her dream the turn word again, which we as first years have heard like 3 times at least so I think she must have felt it was really important to share it again. So the class basically just got hit with the spirit of the fear of the Lord and went into a time of confession and repentance. Then that same week it happened in the prophecy class and whatever Shelley was going to teach on that day completely got thrown out the window and the Holy Spirit redirected us. Shortly after that, IHOPU leadership was feeling like the Lord was doing something big and inviting us as students into a time of sanctification and consecration, so they decided to cancel our last class and hold an IHOPU convocation where all the students 1-4 year as well as all the interns would come together. We all came together and had a time of consecrating ourselves to the Lord and even took communion. It was really nice. So that was set for last Wednesday. But something even crazier happened the day before. Tuesday is student chapel and it is at 1 and I don’t normally go because that means I wake up at noon, which is the equivalent of 6 AM for my schedule. But I knew the Lord was moving in an unusual way so I decided that Tuesday I was going to get up early and go to chapel. It was so the Lord. We did worship and then as soon as it was over and chapel was going to start, leadership told us that chapel and classes were cancelled that day because Mike Bickle had called an emergency meeting of students and staff. They said a man was visiting from Uganda and had shared an encounter with Mike that day and as he was sharing it, Mike felt like it was a corporate word for the IHOP community, as well as the church in general. So he called this like ridiculously impromptu meeting for like 2 hours later in the same building we were having chapel. Luckily I was already there because by the time we got the email I would have just been waking up and getting in the shower and I would have totally gotten there late and more than likely be unable to find parking or even a seat. God is so good! Mike had never done anything like this since IHOP started so everyone knew it had to be a pretty big deal. Here is a link for the message that we heard.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t4WSe5tK_2Y

I invite you to listen to it when you can. It has left everyone shaken and really questioning a lot of stuff in our own personal walks with the Lord.

So all this happened the week before Spring Break and now I’ve had about a week to process it and talk to the Lord about everything. Basically God is up to something. He is calling us as students to greater holiness and sanctification. Everyone has had mixed feelings but my take away is that God is doing this now in His gentleness and kindness. Mike always says shock me now, don’t shock me later, and it appears that He is shocking us now. One of the leaders over the nightwatch said he feels like John’s message was the first trumpet in Joel 2 to wake us up. John’s message basically has made me stop and question my standing with God. It has made me truly examine my heart. And unfortunately, I am seeing more yuck and darkness so that’s been pretty painful. Confession time: I used to be a really judgmental person. The Lord has really done a big work in me though and I thought I was so much better. However, over the past about a month and a half, all this ugliness and judgmental thoughts about people I don’t even know has come up in my heart. I’ve been really mad at myself because I thought we had taken care of all that already and I didn’t know why it was coming back. Then several weeks back, some lady was praying for me and she said something to the effect of, you have had a lot of offense come up in your heart lately and you’re wondering where it’s coming from, and I feel like the Lord is bringing it up because he’s teaching you how to love. More confession: I don’t think I’m all that bad. This has been a journey since fire in the night of the Lord showing me just how dark I am but when you ask me what sin I’m struggling with, for the most part I would have a hard time telling you because it’s not like I struggle with the “big ones.” However, through John’s message, God has really been speaking to me about my thought life and my speech. Especially in the area of judgmental thoughts and complaining. And I would have said this was not that big a deal and it’s only in my mind so it’s not really sin, but God has really been showing me that is just not the case. The Bible is very clear that not only will we be judged on our actions, but also the thoughts and intents of our hearts. This is a sobering reality and one I am still working through. The Bible says to work out our salvation with fear and trembling and I feel like that’s what we’ve all been doing since John’s message.

The basic gist of what God is doing in this season is calling everyone to greater holiness. The Bible says be Holy as I am Holy. God is Holy. We are not. He desires to make us holy because He wants to be with us. What He is doing in this season is giving us an invitation into greater intimacy. The more like Him we become, the closer we get to get to Him. And if you know me at all, you know I am trying to get as close to His heart as He will let me. The comforting part of it all is we can’t do it ourselves. If we could we wouldn’t need a savior. It’s His zeal for us and His jealousy for us to be with Him where He is because He loves us that is going to accomplish it. We say yes and cooperate with Him and He will get us there. He promises. It’s in His Word. All we have to do is say yes to whatever He asks us to do and obey. Before all this happened, I really felt like I was feeling the presence of the Lord like fire. I told you that I had begun to feel the Lord in small ways and I feel like I have increasingly over the past several months felt Him like fire. My face or my hands will get really hot, which since I am always freezing is a tell-tale sign that it’s not just a coincidence when I am burning up in a room where everyone else is wearing their coats. Isn’t that nice of Him? Haha Anyway about a month ago at an FCF service, I was feeling the fire of the Lord and the dude called out from the stage if you were feeling fire on your body to raise your hand so people could pray for you because that was a sign that the Lord wanted to give you more. So I raised my hand and as soon as I did I felt my leg start to shake. This is how it starts so I knew the Lord was getting ready to shake me again. I wasn’t any less scared this time, I think because I know how I’ve felt when He’s done it in the past. So a lady came up and started praying for me and as she prayed I began to shake uncontrollably again. This time was a little different though. While it was happening I was basically saying God I don’t understand why you do this when you know it scares me and I hate it. But this time I just kept proclaiming, you are good. I trust you. Your leadership is perfect. You are a good shepherd. The lady praying for me was really sweet too. I think it must have been an older lady because as she was praying for me she was very gently rubbing my back in a very motherly gentle way. It was like she could tell I was not ok. Then it was over and that peaceful feeling came over me again and I just sat down. So basically this appears to be a season of shaking. Just in case you haven’t noticed, God is shaking things. Look at what’s going on in Egypt. Then the earthquake/tsunami thing in Japan? He is trying to wake us up. And the thing is, America is not exempt. Big shaking is coming to us too. It’s inevitable. I know what I am doing with my life looks so foolish to a lot of you. But I have never been more convinced that where I am and what I am doing is exactly how God wants it. This is a season where I am to set my face my flint and be violent in my pursuit of holiness, and ultimately my pursuit of Jesus. God has given me this invitation and I am not taking it lightly. It’s not just me and it’s not just IHOP. God is extending the invitation to whoever wants it. Now it’s going to look different in your life than mine because we are all in different places and different seasons in our journey with the Lord. I invite you to ask God where He may be calling you to greater areas of holiness and sanctification. Shaking is coming. Now is the season where we must be like the wise ones in Matthew 25 and get oil (relationship with Jesus) in our lamps. We must allow Him to shake us now so that we will stand firm when it all starts coming down.

¹ “At that time the kingdom of heaven will be like ten virgins who took their lamps and went out to meet the bridegroom. ² Five of them were foolish and five were wise. ³ The foolish ones took their lamps but did not take any oil with them. ⁴ The wise ones, however, took oil in jars along with their lamps.

Oh God help me to be a wise one!

Hello New Year New Beginning...How I Have Been Waiting For You

January 23, 2011

So as this new year has begun, I can’t help but be thankful that the Lord has brought me though the most painful season of my life thus far, grateful for where He currently has me, and I’m hopeful for what the future may hold. I got to come home for Christmas and it was a really good week. I got some warm fuzzy family time, good quality sister hang out time, and even got to hang out with some people I really miss. (Not all but a lot) Then it was back to KC for Onething. Which was kinda different this year because I signed up to serve and I ushered basically all day each day. It was good but my legs were so tired at the end of the night! Luckily I got brand new tennis shoes that don’t give my feet blisters for Christmas. Praise the Lamb! Onething was kind of a defining moment for me this year. Sure the teaching was great and the worship was beyond amazing, but it was during onething that I had the sudden realization that I am good. I made it through. I was thinking back to last year and how my heart was this exact time last year and I was just a huge mess. I was miserable and depressed and I was walking on eggshells afraid to run into the people who hurt my heart. But this year, I knew they were there and even saw them and had a brief conversation it didn’t faze me. I think it was the second to last day and I remember this overwhelming feeling that I really was good and I had made it through. The Lord has been so faithful. Now obviously the Lord still has a lot of healing to do on my heart and He’s slowly but surely doing it in His time and in His way, but I really am good =)

Now that being said, I am so grateful for where the Lord has me. I started another semester of school this past week and oh my gosh! I am overwhelmed that the Lord is allowing me to be here and to get such deep teaching from such amazing teachers. Never in a million years would I have ever thought I would actually like school! Haha go figure. God gave me my heart’s desire this semester and I got to go back on the Nightwatch. I didn’t even wait until school started. I was there as soon as onething was over. Oh how I have missed it. I don’t do the whole 12-6 like I did in fire in the night but I do 12-4 am, 6 nights a week. So I basically go home at 4 and then sleep until 2 each day, except for a couple where I wake up really early for class at 1. That’s rough but so far I’ve been good. Plus I can always take a nap if I need to. Our schedule this semester is really intense and I think we’ll have a lot more homework and less free time but I’m good with that. That’s the season the Lord has me in anyway.

I have 2 classes this semester. The first one is the Excellencies of Christ with Allen Hood. I actually took this class in fire in the night so it’s a repeat and I’m really excited to take it again with the guy who actually wrote the class. He said he hasn’t taught it since 2008 so I feel really lucky to be here when he teaches it again. Now while I am excited, at the same time I also very aware that it was this particular class that began to show me my yuck and darkness and how I actually do need a savior. If you remember my past blogs, that was rough. So I am preparing to see more of my darkness and bracing myself to encounter much more death to self. That part always sucks! Then my other class is Foundations of Prophetic Ministry and it’s taught by Shelley Hundley. I wasn’t fully sure what to think about this class, but then the first day of class I pretty much cried the whole class so I know the Lord is getting ready to use it. There’s even like 6 or 7 classes on different seers in the Bible. No coincidence there!

Ok so now the deep stuff. What is God doing in my heart? Loaded question. God is asking me to be His friend. Now here’s the thing. This is not the first time He’s asked me that. When I went to the Call 7/7/07 in Nashville, they had prophecy tents and I went and the lady that was praying for me got John 15 and it talks about abiding in the vine and being a friend of God. She was so sweet. She looked at me all excited with a huge smile on her face and she goes. “God is asking you to be His friend!” I smiled politely but inside I was fuming. I was like Friend? I have enough friends. What do you mean you want to me my friend? You’re supposed to be my bridegroom? You just wanna be my friend? Awesome you’re no different from all the other guys. So needless to say I was not encouraged by this word. God is so funny too because on the drive home, we all popped our tapes in and listened to them in the car, and when we put mine in, it was the only one that didn’t even work. So I just sorta wrote it off because I didn’t like what I heard anyway, but even though the tape didn’t work, it was like He etched John 15 on my heart and I’ve actually never forgotten what she said.

So fast forward a few years, and we come to the past few months, probably since I got back from the missions trip. I wrote a couple of blogs ago about how the Lord was beginning to speak to me about the heart of the judge. So my landlady had Shelley’s class the Heart of the Judge and let me borrow it. I was so excited! I devoured all 20-something classes in less than two weeks right before Christmas. I don’t even know if I can fully articulate what the Lord has been doing in my heart, but each class I would just sit and cry as every single class just continued to touch my heart. I think the most impactful part of all the teaching was when she was talking about being friends with God and what it means and what it looks like. I have never felt more convicted. All I could say was God I’m so sorry! I didn’t understand. I didn’t know that’s what it meant to be your friend. I’m so sorry! Basically it means that God is looking for people who He can be Himself with. He’s looking for friends He can share His secrets and His heart with. He’s looking for people who will just cry with Him because they feel what He feels. He wants people who will just be with Him and who He can just be with. He wants people that He doesn’t have to say wait here while I go over there and pray to. So then the first day of the prophecy class what are the 2 verses that she pulls out from the ghetgo? John 15 and John 17. To which I said ok God I’m listening. The entire class she proceeded to talk about friendship with the Lord and how God is looking for friends. I was just stunned. She opened with John 17:24 which if you remember was the verse the Lord hit me with last year during fitn after Corey’s message and that guy came up at the end and said I feel like the Lord is saying this is the banner over your life.

24 “Father, I desire that they also whom You gave Me may be with Me where I am, that they may behold My glory which You have given Me; for You loved Me before the foundation of the world.

Then she pulled out John 15, which is exactly the part the lady used when she said God wanted to be my friend.

15 No longer do I call you servants, for a servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I heard from My Father I have made known to you. 16 You did not choose Me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit, and that your fruit should remain, that whatever you ask the Father in My name He may give you.

However, while the teaching on the heart of the judge totally rocked my world, I have also had quite a bit of offense come up in my heart about what the lives of “friends of God” looked like. My last two years have been the hardest of my life and I feel like God has already asked me to do some hard things and I’m afraid of what else He may ask me to say yes to if I really say yes to being His friend. And I’m coming to see that I’m scared of God because I see Him as a mean taskmaster that once He finds someone who will say yes, He’ll use them to do what He wants them to do because He knows they’re not going to say no. And He knows that I’m going to say yes to whatever He asks me because I have said yes in the past and I’m afraid to disobey.

What I guess it basically comes down to is, I’m in a season of asking what did I really sign up for? The majority of the church begins following Jesus because if you say yes to Him then He will bless you and give you a good life and great things and you will be happy and healthy and everything will be wonderful. In America, for the most part, Christianity is associated with the American Dream. Anyone who knows me knows I’m all about this. Give me the husband, the 2.5 kids, and a precious little house with a white picket fence and I’m happy as a clam. This season pretty much started at the end of the mission trip at the fight conference when they were talking about being missionaries and how we are all called to “go.” Then we got back and our book for the last module of class was called the “Heavenly Man” and it was basically about this Chinese dude and chronicles His life and the very real torture and persecution he endured for the sake of Jesus. Then the last module of class was about the lifestyle of the forerunner and he talked about persecution and even martyrdom. I’ve been scouring the Bible on what it truly means to follow Jesus and what your life looks like when you really follow Him. In a nutshell it means picking up your cross and dying to yourself daily. It means possibly being hated by friends and family, and quite likely persecution in some form or fashion. While I didn’t start following Jesus because of what He could give me or do for me, I’m realizing that I am much more about comfort and convenience and what God can do to bless me than I am about suffering and enduring persecution for His sake. I love the world way more than I realized I did. So I am super excited about this semester, but I am also fully aware that it will probably be a painful semester as the Lord again shows me more of my darkness and yuck and humanism that I like to hide and pretend isn’t in there.

Now before you go thinking wow that sounds miserable, here’s the funniest thing. I am probably the happiest right now that I have ever been my whole life. God is doing some hard stuff in my life and in my heart, but at the same time He is continuously demolishing the lies that I have believed about Him and renewing my mind to the truth of who He is and what He is like. Slowly but surely, the Lord is winning over my heart and causing me to fall more and more and deeper and deeper in love with Him. There’s this integral switch in Song of Solomon where at the beginning the girl is super selfish and it’s all about what she gets from her relationship with Jesus and how much she enjoys Him. She says in 2:16: 16 My beloved is mine, and I am his. It’s all about what she gets first and secondly about what He gets.

Then it switches and all of sudden she goes from the place of He’s her inheritance and it’s all about what she can get from Him and she makes this amazing statement in chapter 7: 10: 10 I am my beloved’s, And his desire is toward me.

Now for the first time she’s not as selfish and she’s beginning to see that it’s not just about what she gets, but it’s really about what Jesus gets. She is His inheritance. She is His prize. She is His reward for His suffering. It’s really funny because I feel like the bride is really far in her journey and pretty mature once she gets to this part, but the more I realize what the Lord is doing in my heart and in my life, I feel like this may be where I am. I am actually beginning to dare to believe that everything that I’ve read in the Bible and heard in all the teachings and in my classes is true, not just for the church corporately, but for me personally and individually. It’s very gradual and I feel like I’m at the very beginning of the beginning but I feel like it’s actually starting to take root in my heart and plant itself there. I told the Lord just the other day that I was going to stop believing the lies and stop accusing Him of being someone He’s not. Starting this semester, I’m going to dare to believe it’s true. I am going to start proclaiming this truth, whether I feel it or not: He desires me. He wants me. I did not choose Him, but He chose me and appointed me that I should go and bear fruit. It’s not about me. It’s about Him and the fact that He wants me. There’s this great chorus on the nightwatch and it goes “You really enjoy me. You really are for me. Finally I believe it. Finally I receive it. I’ll stop trying to control you, I’ll stop trying to resist you. I’ll just let you love me. I’ll just let you love me.” I have officially made it my chorus for this semester.

Oh and this doesn’t really have anything to do with anything else but I am going to get a commentary and I am going to study the book of Deuteronomy this semester. I have never actually studied a book of the Bible before so I have no clue what I’m doing, but I’m really excited about it. =)

California Blitz!

November 19, 2010

So I am back from my ministry trip and I just have to say I had the best time! Thank you so much to everyone who supported me both financially and through prayer. It is an absolute pleasure partnering with you to see the work of God’s Kingdom. I don’t even know where to start so I guess I’ll try the beginning. Like I said in my previous blog I had a lot of fear going into this trip. I felt like I was 5 years old but honestly the biggest fear I had the whole time was who am I going to sit with on the bus? I was like Lord please let someone sit next to me that doesn’t think I’m boring and thinks I’m fun. Silly right? I had one friend besides the girls in my small group that I knew and I was really praying we would sit together. However, as it turns out she was on another bus because they divided us up by small groups. So there were 5 girls in my small group and they all paired up and sat together and I was the lone man out. So already I was like ok God I really don’t like this. So the bus was filling up and then a guy sat next to me. I was thinking wow this is going to be really awkward. The Lord is so good and faithful! The guy was really friendly and we started talking and he was also a first year student and he was from Houston! He literally lives like 20-30 minutes from my parents’ house. Small world right? Anyway he was really funny and we clicked instantly and got along really well. This was good because we had a 36 hour bus ride and slept overnight on the bus. So that fear was immediately squashed. There were 5 buses and we had about 300 students on the trip total. Once we got to California we all split up to different areas. My bus went to Rancho Cucamonga! Haha isn’t that fun? Our group was really small and I loved that. We had my girls small group and then a first year guys small group and with the leaders we had like 20 people total. It was great!

Friday: We got to California around 4 or 5 the next night and found out we were going to be living in a house of prayer. Can you think of anything my little heart desires more than that? The place was called Refuge House of Prayer and it reminded me a lot of the Katy one. I felt right at home. There was one room for the guys and one for the girls and we took turns going to the house of the couple who lead the prayer room, Ted and Toni, for showers every few days. (least favorite part but it could’ve been worse) The first night was really low key. We got in and got settled and they had vegetable lasagna waiting for us since we were still Daniel fasting. It was so yummy! Then that night they had a worship/intercession set and we got to pray and participate in that. Then we went to sleep.

Saturday: On Saturdays they do healing rooms, like at Grace. So some people were assigned to a room and were put on a team while others were assigned to sit in the main room and intercede for those getting prayer and to worship. I was assigned a healing team. Instantly I was freaked out but I was like ok God I put all this in your hands and said use me however you want to use me so if this is what you want I will do it. I was with 2 other guys and 1 girl. The main guy was really sweet when I told him I didn’t really know what I was doing and I don’t really even know if the Lord is gonna speak to me. He prayed for me and it was encouraging. So anyway, the way they do the rooms is a person comes in and writes down on a piece of paper what they want prayer for, then the dude at the front desk folds it in half and brings it to our room. We ask the Lord what He wants to say to this person before we even open the paper. Then we discuss what we got from the Lord and how it fits together and then the person comes in and we pray for them. I’m not sure if other rooms got the people that needed physical healing but our room pretty much just got people that wanted prayer. I think it was more like the prophecy rooms where you are just supposed to exhort and encourage. The first one went pretty well and I feel like he was really encouraged. Then it was the second one and I found out later she was the wife of someone very high up in leadership there or something like that. Before she came in or we knew what we were praying for I felt like God gave me the phrase “eyes like Esther.” I don’t really know what that means and someone prayed it over me once but I told the guy. When we opened the paper it said she wanted prayer for her eyes. So that was interesting. When she came in and we asked her what she wanted prayer for she said something completely different from on the paper. So the others went around the room and told her what they got and prayed and then it was my turn. I said ok I think this is going to sound really strange and I don’t even know what it means but I got the phrase “eyes like Esther.” The lady started crying. She was like that’s exactly what I really wanted prayer for but I didn’t want to bring it up. I have the seer anointing and my physical eyes have had a lot of problems lately and I feel like it’s interfering with me being able to see in the spirit. So I’m actually going to IHOP this week because the Lord said He wanted to give me the mantle of Esther. (whatever that means?) By this point the main guy leading was freaking out and he goes you don’t know this but this girl standing across from you is from IHOP. How funny is that? So anyway I prayed for her and I anointed her eyelids with oil and was basically like ok God I don’t know what you want me to impart to her but obviously there’s something you want to give her that you’ve given me so whatever that is I impart it to her. Then she said her eyes starting burning. I never figured out if that was a good thing or bad. Anyway the guys felt like after I prayed for her she was supposed to pray for me. So then she prayed for me and anointed my eyes with oil. I didn’t feel anything different but the main dude was really excited and said when we were praying for each other he saw fireworks and angels in the spirit so that means something must have happened. He said we were like kindred spirits. So I think that was definitely a divine appointment. The best part was afterward she walked out and the guy in charge, Ted, asked how it went and she goes. I just got what I was going to Kansas City for. Crazy huh? She still went but apparently she couldn’t stop talking about how much I blessed her after that. Ted kept telling me how much it blessed him that I blessed her because apparently she has a pretty impactful ministry. So that was pretty cool. Then I repented to the Lord for doubting that He wants to use me and that He speaks to me.

Sunday: This was a pretty low key day. We went to this place called the cove which apparently was a spot that was important back in the 70s when there was a revival called the Jesus movement and people got saved and baptized right there in the cove. So we went there and heard some history and even baptized some people. It was a beautiful day and a pretty cool experience.

Monday/Tuesday: These days we went to the campus of UC Riverside. They had been doing 48 hours of non-stop prayer and worship and we were going there to strengthen them and pray and worship with them. They had a tent set up in the middle of the campus where we all met to pray together. The first day we prayer-walked the campus and wrote down anything that we felt like the Lord was saying. We wrote it in a little notebook and they really appreciated our feedback. I have a funny story though. As we were walking around I noticed that all the plants by the psychology building were dead and then when we turned a corner I saw these awesome trees with lots of fruit on them. I was like oh this must symbolize something in the spirit but I couldn’t see what the building was. So when we stopped I told one of the guys in my group what I thought and he looked at the map of the campus and found the building and started laughing. I was like what’s so funny? He goes it’s the entomology building. I was like wait isn’t that like the study of plants? Yeah so turns out there wasn’t anything to it so that was funny. The second day they wanted us to go around campus and evangelize. I was not excited about this. The idea of evangelism is super intimidating to me but I said ok God here I am. I want you to show me the person on this campus that you want the most. The one that your heart breaks for the most because they don’t know you. So we’re walking around and the guy I was partnered with pointed out a girl sitting by herself and said what about her? So I prayed and felt like the Lord was highlighting her so over we went. My heart was pounding and I didn’t even know what was going on but before I knew it I was sitting next to her and introducing myself. I opened with the fact that we had a prayer booth in the center of the campus and asked her if she needed prayer for anything. She said no and then I asked her if she knew Jesus. She told me that she was a Hindu. I was like oh yikes. So I asked her if anyone had ever told her that Jesus was a real man and He wanted a real relationship with her. She eyes got huge and she was like no tell me more. It was crazy! She was so receptive. The guy I was with and I ping-ponged off each other and just told her about Jesus and a little of our stories and how He’s changed our life. Then she had to go to class and I asked her if I could pray for her and she said yes! So she didn’t accept Christ but we both felt like we planted a good seed. I was super grateful that the Lord highlighted her first knowing that she would be receptive and not spit in my face or cuss me out. Something happened to me too. When we were done and walking back to the tent I was overcome with joy and I was so excited about what just happened. There was something in me that came alive when I did that. It was new and I really liked the feeling. Plus since we’ve been back I feel like the Lord will put her on my heart randomly and I will pray for her. It’s kinda cool.

Wednesday: This was a day when all 300 students went on a tour of historical revival sites and listened to Lou Engle tell us the history. It was so fascinating and by the end of the day you felt tiny because you saw how much bigger this all was than you. I also walked away super grateful that the Lord is letting me be a part of such a historical happening. We started at Mott Auditorium, then went to the Rose Bowl, then Amy Semple McPherson’s temple where the Four Square church movement started, and ended the night on Azusa Street. In 1910 there was this amazing revival called the Azusa Street Revival and there have been a lot of words spoken about how in 100 years (2010 anyone?) God was gonna pour out another one. So we had an awesome night of prayer and worship on Azusa Street.

Thursday-Sunday: These days were the fight conference and student call. We were there for the conference but we were also serving in lots of different aspects. I didn’t really know what the conference was going to be about before. It was basically about missions and how we are all called to go. So there was a lot of really interesting speakers and the Lord definitely touched my heart in new ways. They gave several alter calls for if you were ready to be a missionary and go. I did not go up for any of those. I basically told the Lord ok God I am nowhere near there yet. I’ve told you if you want to make me a missionary than you still need to do a huge work in my heart. But at the same time when I said yes to you, my life was no longer my own and you know I’m going to say yes to anything you ask me to do. So I am not willing. But I am willing to let you make me willing. So that’s where I stand on that right now. I’m willing to be willing. I’m not actually sure how to articulate what’s on my heart about this part yet so we’ll just leave it at that.Who knows what the Lord has for me…

Then that last night we got on the bus and drove 2 days back to Kansas City. This time we slept overnight on the bus 2 nights. Needless to say, we were all ready to be home. Overall the trip was amazing. They gave us an acronym of our assignment and mission before we went and it was S.O.S. Strengthen the believers, Open the heavens, and save souls. There were awesome stories of people getting saved, healed, and delivered from the other groups too. So we all felt like we did a pretty good job of accomplishing this. Plus now we have faces and people in mind so when we intercede for California, we have more of a heart connect which is always helpful. One of our leaders said before we left that his main goal for this trip was that all of us students would just fall in love with each other and that is so what happened. We can’t even explain it but our group was like instantly brothers and sisters. I didn’t know my small group girls well at all and we became super close. I didn’t know any of the guys either, and as it turns out the guy I sat by on the bus was also in the group with us. We all came away with new brothers and sisters in Christ. On top of that, those guys served all of us girls more than I think we’ve ever been served. They gave up all their air mattresses so we didn’t have to sleep on the floor and gave us their coats when we were cold. They always let us take showers first and eat first. They would actually serve us food and refill drinks before they even ate one bite. They went above and beyond and really loved us and took care of us. It really opened my eyes to see how a Godly man is supposed to treat a woman. There was definitely some healing of my heart that took place this week. Actually there was a lot of healing I felt like the Lord did in my heart. Then the last night we played a game called I love you because and we went around the room and told everyone why we loved them. It was so encouraging and God really used some of those guys to speak straight to my heart. So all in all it was such an amazing trip! All my fears were like nothing once I was there. God is so faithful! Oh and last but not least. On the ride home I asked the guy if he wanted to be my bus buddy again and he said yeah so we sat together again and on the way home he goes Ya know Amy, I’m really happy we got to sit together. You are so fun! =)

P.S. As I was just finishing this blog I got a friend request on facebook from the guy that I did the healing rooms with and this was his last sentence in his message:

BTW-the testimony of the eyes of esther is still being talked about! :)

21 Days

October 31, 2010

I was informed by several people that the dates I post my blogs are not showing up. I tried to figure out why and I think it's just because of the new background I have and I couldn't figure out how to change it so from now on I will be putting the date in all my posts at the beginning. Hope that helps!

So it's been a while since I wrote a blog. I have had a lot happening inside me and in my heart and I think I'm needing some time to process everything. It's all good but I just don't think I have any words to put to it as of yet...so more to come later.

About a month ago, our school leadership informed us that we had the opportunity to go on a mission trip to California. Last year they took the 3rd and 4th year students to Boston and this year they decided to take all years and therefore 1st years such as myself were able to go. To be honest, I was not super excited about the trip. I've only ever been on one mission trip and that was in high school. I don't really count it though because it was more of a service project. We are going like really bare bones and staying in churches and sleeping in sleeping bags and taking charter buses so it's super cheap but it's not included in tuition so we each had to raise $500 in order to go. Now if you've been following my journey with money you will know that this was an instant stumbling block for me. Immediately I was like well I guess I'm not going because I don't have anywhere close to that amount of money just hanging around. Then one day in the prayer room they asked any of the students who were going on the trip to stand up and they wanted to pray for us. Initially I didn't stand but then saw that there were hardly any students in the room at that time so I decided well ok I guess I'll stand but it's not like anyone is going to pray for me anyway. God is so funny. When I stand and actually want prayer, nobody prays. But when I don't want it, everyone prays. I'm not kidding. I was like bombarded with prayer, and intense prayer about my calling and everything. So afterwards I sat down and I said ok God obviously I will take that as a sign you want me to go but you and I both know these funds are basically impossible so if you want me to go then you will have to come up with the money. And I mean I had like little to no faith that He would come through. Isn't that horrible how fast I can go from seeing the miraculous way He provided for me to get here and has continued to provide month after month even though I don't have enough monthly support raised yet to doubting that this time He's not gonna come through? But man did He. I not only was blessed with enough for California, but enough for an entire month of expenses including rent! He is so faithful even when I am basically faithless! He is just so good!! It was also really amazing to hear the God stories of my fellow students of how the Lord provided for them too. Every person who wanted to go got the funds! Now there's a total faith booster =)

So anyway the trip is November 4-November 15 which means I leave on Thursday which came a lot sooner than I expected it to. The school is doing a 21 day fast which started last Sunday so as of today I've been going about a week and then will continue through the end of the FIGHT conference in California. I would really appreciate prayer for grace for this fast as well as just that I would be open to be used however God wants to use me in California. I am excited but also have a lot of fear and anxiety in not really knowing what will happen...I'm sure there will be many stories when I get back. Thanks for the prayers!

Who Will Be a Friend of the Bridegroom? Who Will Be a Friend of the Judge?

This past couple of weeks has been really interesting in just how the Lord was speaking to me. There’s been this new chorus over the past month or so and it goes will you be a friend of the bridegroom? Will you be a friend of the judge? You know I’m all about the bridegroom but I don’t really know that much about the judge. But each time that chorus was sung, I felt my heart wanting more and more to be a friend of the judge. So that has been my prayer probably for about the last 2 weeks. God I want to know you as judge. Make me a friend of the judge! The thing that’s gonna cause people to fall away in the end times is that they are going to see the way that God is judging the earth and since they don’t understand His heart, they are going to be offended at Him and walk away. I don’t fully know what it means to be His friend, but I know I definitely don’t want to be His enemy! We have to read a different book each module and write a book review on it and the current one we read was called Unrelenting Prayer by Bob Sorge. I really loved it because it talked about being persistent in unanswered prayers and not giving up. There was one chapter in there called Restoration and Restitution. This chapter totally transformed my thinking on the way that God answers prayers. Here’s a little snippet from what I thought was the most thought-provoking paragraph:

“Now we’re starting to understand why God bears long with His elect. Is it possible, beloved elect of God, that God has called you to wait upon Him because He wants to exact as much as a sevenfold return from your enemy for the years he has stolen from you? If God had given you immediate justice, you would have simply received restoration. But now, because you have waited this long for justice, you are a candidate for restitution. Could it be that God has not yet avenged you of your adversary because He has more for you in this thing than you’ve ever thought or imagined for yourself? Maybe God hasn’t answered your prayer yet because He likes you. Maybe it’s because He’s chosen you. Maybe it’s because He’s chosen to catapult you onto the same path that the greatest saints of all time have trodden.”

It all comes down to believing that God knows what He’s doing and agreeing that His leadership is perfect and He really does know the best way and the best time that He would get the greatest glory and Jesus would have the pre-eminence! Remember, it’s not really about me at all. (I have to keep reminding myself.)

This past week at chapel, our teacher Shelley gave this great message about friendship with God and how we need to know Him as judge. The judge is the part of God’s character that makes the wrong things right. We have all been hurt. We have all experienced pain in one way or another. She said that we should never compare our pain to another person. There is no scale for pain and everyone is made up differently. Never discount your pain. The day before this message, there was a bunch of girls praying for me and they were so sweet and had good intentions in seeing me set free but at one point it got kind of overwhelming and intense and I asked everyone to stop praying for me. The next day my upstairs roommate, who was one of the ones praying, said that she felt like the Lord wanted her to tell me that He was never going to violate me. She said He says you’ve been violated a lot and He just wants you to know that He is never going to violate you. So often I look at my life and I say you know I’ve had it really good. I was never molested as a child or raped. I never had an abortion. Those girls are the ones that the Lord really needs to deal with. Those are the ones that really need the healing. What I’ve gone through, although I’ve thought it was painful, is nothing compared to those other girls. But herein again lies the problem. I’m comparing myself to others. I cried off and on throughout the message and then she gave an alter call for anyone who had been asking to know God as judge so of course I went up and stood there for a while and then all of a sudden I just got down on my knees and started crying. I don’t usually know why I cry and this time was no different. So I’m just sitting there crying and I felt like the Lord just kept repeating over and over to me. You need a judge Amy. Your pain is real Amy. You heart matters. Your heart is not insignificant. Let me avenge you! And I felt like He was not just talking about physical people that have hurt me, although that’s definitely a part of it, but He’s mainly talking about the way that the enemy has taken what has happened to me and lied to me and he’s the one that has violated my heart more than anyone with his lies. I felt like He showed me that I spend so much time focusing on the bridegroom part of God that I have neglected to get to know Him as judge. And it’s only when I let the judge into the most broken and painful places, that I can really encounter the bridegroom. I have to know Him as judge first before I can truly encounter Him as the bridegroom. So I repented and I asked Him to give me revelation of Him as the judge. I have several great teaching from Shelley that were part of our book list and they are specifically about God as judge so I think I’m going to spend this next GBF (global bridegroom fast) and really delve into what it means that God is a judge. The truth is, that I have really avoided God the judge because I’m scared of Him. I really need greater revelation of the truth of this part of His character. So I just loved how it all came together and I just knew that God was talking to me. I love that I’m actually encountering the voice of God. It’s not always how I thought it was going to sound, but I truly believe that I hear from God and that He speaks to me. That in itself is tremendous breakthrough!

There’s another part in the book that talks about the speedily of God. Sorge says:

“You may wait on God for a long time, but when God finally chooses to act on your behalf, He will act decisively and change everything dramatically and suddenly…The wait doesn’t mean God isn’t going to answer; it simply means He wants you to contend for far more than you were initially asking for. Beloved now is the time to contend for the supernatural! We must gives ourselves to unrelenting prayer, without losing heart, until we uncover the speedily of God.”

I feel like that is what is happening during this season. He is choosing to break in finally. He said that He has an agenda for this season and it’s inner healing for my heart. My heart matters. I’m starting to hear Him and I’m starting to feel Him. He is beginning to break in. And if this is true that it’s going to be speedily, I better buckle my seatbelt!

What Are You Doing With Your 80 Years?

Alright so this blog is actually a long time in the making. The Lord has been speaking to me on this issue for quite sometime and quite frankly I feel like it’s kinda controversial and potentially convicting for those who will read it and therefore I have continued to put it off. Truthfully more than anything I feel super vulnerable sharing it. I have been writing pieces of it off and on for several months and continuing to seek the Lord on if He actually wanted me to post it or if it was just something that I was supposed to write down. As I was praying about it the other day I felt like He said post it. If they choose to read it they will, and if they choose not to read, they won’t. So here is the biggest thing the Lord is currently speaking to me about. I invite you, if you choose to read it, to invite the Holy Spirit to speak what He wants to speak to you personally through it. Remember this is what the Lord is currently speaking to me and He may be speaking to you about something completely different…or He may be speaking this exact thing to you as well. The Lord is really speaking to me about how I spend my time and movies/entertainment.

Sometime over the course of the internship I felt like the Lord revealed to me that I was consumed with a spirit of lust. At first I was super offended. I mean I was already offended at Him for the circumstances in my life and now here He was telling me I was lustful! It’s not like I’m addicted to porn or out sleeping around. Those are the lustful people. What I feel like He’s revealed to me over the past several months speaks a different story. I am consumed with the spirit of the age. That’s a term that gets thrown around a lot up here in IHOP land, but basically it’s whatever we use to satisfy our longings and our desires outside of God. For instance, if you’ve been following my past blogs I use movies/entertainment. One of my core leaders during FITN was super passionate on this issue and gave us a talk one day about chick flicks and why she did not like them. She said they send an unrealistic idea of romance and true love because most of the time the main character is already in a relationship and he or she breaks it off because they finally found “the one.” Now if you know me at all you know that chick flicks are my thing so I was ready to come out with fists up and defend my chick flicks. So I thought of my two favorites and was going to prove her wrong. Sadly however, she was even right about those. The Notebook is one of my favorites, but Alli is actually engaged to her fiancé when she cheats on him with Noah and leaves him because he was “the one.” Same thing’s true for Enchanted. Giselle is technically engaged to prince charming and Patrick Dempsey’s character is engaged to another chick. But they both leave their significant other because they have found “the one.” Even Sleepless in Seattle, the ultimate chick flick, she’s engaged to another dude! These movies make you think that once you find your "soulmate" life will be perfect and you will finally be complete. But in reality the only person that can complete you is Jesus. If you are not fully satisfied in Him first and foremost, another relationship will certainly not satisfy. Not being able to prove her wrong actually left me wrecked for a few days. Anyway I was reading this book online about a month ago. It’s called Sex and the Supremacy of Christ by John Piper. I highly recommend it and you can read it for free on his website desiringgod.org. I also read This Momentary Marriage and that one was really good too. Anyway as I was reading it I came across a section that really hit my spirit. Here is what the lady who wrote that chapter had to say:

“The culture of romance novels, soap operas, and women’s magazines does not draw nearly as much attention as male-oriented pornography. Men do graphic pornography. That’s an obvious problem. Women do romance. It’s the same kind of problem, though the participants keep their clothes on a while longer, and there’s more of a story to tell before they tumble into bed. Romance novels are female pornography. The sin comes wired through intimacy lust first and builds toward erotic lust. The formulaic fantasies offer narrative emotion-candy, not visual eye-candy. Romance tells a story about someone with a name, someone you fall in love with. It builds slowly. It’s more than a moment of instant gratification with anonymous, naked, willing bodies. But like male pornography, there is a progression from soft-core to more openly erotic, to frankly pornographic writings that target women. The male model Fabio made his career posing for formulaic book cover art. A big, strong guy, stripped to the waist, tenderly cradles a beautiful woman. He’s the knight in shining armor, protective, gentle, understanding—and the handsome hunk. The romantic novel genre has even made a crossover to evangelical Christian publishing houses. The sex is cleaned up; the knight in shining armor is also a deep spiritual leader who marries you before sleeping with you. But the fantasy appeal to intimacy and romance lusts remains as the inner engine that allures readers. Female versions of sexual-romantic sin are shop-floor rags as much as male versions. Jesus Christ calls all of us out of fantasy, delusion, and lust, whether the fantasyland is filled with naked bodies or with romantic knights. Jesus Christ is about the reality business.”

Now her opinion, in my opinion, is a little intense and she makes some strong statements, but she basically put words to what I feel like the Lord has been trying to show me. Me being consumed with a spirit of lust means I have been living in a fantasy land. And the thing is, it’s not just movies. When I first got back to Katy I was resolute that I was not going to watch TV since I had gone 6 months without it and was perfectly fine, so I thought I would just read instead. There’s nothing wrong with reading right? I had read Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers which is a Christian book and she wrote a trilogy called the Mark of the Lion. I had heard from 3 different girls that these were the best books and I had to read them. So I took the opportunity since I had nothing to do anyway and I read them. Even as I was reading the first book I felt like I was reading soft core porn. I even told my sister that when she asked me how I liked it. And this was a Christian book. The more fiction books I read, I thought to myself, now how is this any different than watching TV? Sure I’m not putting images in front of my eyes but actually I was in my imagination. Isn’t reading and watching TV basically the same thing? It’s all fantasy right? Before I didn’t really know and probably didn’t even care but over the past probably like 6 months the Lord has really been birthing in me a thirst for reality. So after my new found knowledge that reading wasn’t any better than actually watching TV, I decided well then I’m just gonna start watching TV again until I go back to IHOP, but Lord I want you to show me what you want me to see. I’m pretty sure I blogged on this before but I was shocked to see how much sex is streaming through even family comedies. Dancing with the Stars was super disappointing because they were practically naked as they were gyrating about and I just kept thinking, would I let my kids watch this? The funniest part is I love reality TV. I’m all about the bachelor/bachelorette and watched each of the most recent seasons of each. I had really high hopes for So You Think You Can Dance. But alas, it was just as bad. Almost all of the dances were filled with one person trying to seduce the other through the dance. Whenever the judges critiqued them they used phrases such as, that was hot, sexy, seductive, etc. The costumes were just as bad as dancing with the stars too. One part made me really sad though. There was one girl in the competition, who ended up winning, but she was 18 and fresh out of high school. After one of the early dances the judges told her she wasn’t sexy enough. So progressively throughout the competition she tried to prove them wrong. And she did a good job too. A few episodes in, the judges told her that she had finally found herself because she had found the sexpot inside her. Are you kidding me? I actually cried a little and that had to be the Holy Spirit because I would have never paid attention to that before. I remember thinking what is her dad thinking when he watches her in that costume or dance like that? But this is what I mean by the spirit of the age. Sexual innuendo everywhere, the idea that we have to be sexy/seductive to attract attention. Look at how much money is spent on plastic surgery every year. What teenagers/young women wear to get attention. But the thing is, we’ve lived so long this way, we don’t even know anything is wrong with it. We are all consumed with it in one way or another. And it’s only going to get worse.

I love trash TV. I don’t know if you remember but a while back there was this horrible show called Temptation Island where men and women come to this island and will get voted off if they don’t make alliances with eachother and there was all kinds of drama and seduction and backstabbing and I loved it. While I was back in Katy, I was checking my email and on those little news reel things a blurb popped up about Temptation Island 2. I didn’t even know there was a second one. So I clicked on it and I watched the first episode. I was drawn into it and for like 3 days I watched episode after episode on my computer. I’m not even kidding- the whole season. It was totally trash and nowhere near reality…and I loved it. You know this whole Twilight craze? You know why I haven’t read the books or seen the movies? Because I know how much I would get drawn into it. Did you ever watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer? Anyone else totally root for Buffy and Angel to get together? Anyone else think there was something exciting and mysterious about that vampire Angel? Oh yeah I know exactly how wrapped up I would get in this vampire business which is why I choose not to. I saw Sex and the City last year and it was so funny and so inappropriate. Then the sequel came out this year and I really had to battle going to see it, even though I know it was not something I needed to see, I really wanted to see it. To make matters worse, there was this new show called the Bachelor Pad where they put the most drama filled contestants from past seasons of the Bachelor/Bachelorette in a house together and they compete for money or something like that. It’s taken everything in me not to watch it on my computer. Anyway, it’s the spirit of the age and it’s so enticing. I’m not exaggerating when I say there’s literal darkness in this whole vampire obsession. And it’s only going to get worse.

During FITN I had this really disturbing dream 2 nights in a row. In the dream I was chasing after this woman and I was asking her for a kiss. She kept promising me she would kiss me if I would follow her. So I kept following her around and every time I would get to a new spot and ask for a kiss she would just move to another spot and I would follow her. Each time the place got progressively darker. There was not anything particularly pretty about the woman but for whatever reason I was just drawn to her, almost as if under a spell. So the first morning I woke up and I was super disturbed. I had never had a dream like that before and I was so confused and it really bothered me. I didn’t tell anyone either because I thought there was something weird with me. Then the next night I had the exact same dream, only this time right before I woke up I heard a voice speak the phrase, “beware the harlot Babylon. Flee the harlot Babylon!” This time when I woke up I understood what the dream was about. Dreams are mostly symbolic and it had nothing to do with the fact that it was a woman. According to the Bible, the spirit of the age is going to turn into this worldwide religion of tolerance where people think they can do whatever they want and fulfill all their desires and longings and there will be no consequences and Jesus calls it the Harlot Babylon. It is actually very clear in scripture that in the last days, people who proclaim to be Christian, and most actually are, will fall away because they will be swept up into this harlot religion of tolerance. “She” is personified as a woman in the book of Revelation. Therefore it was personified as a woman in my dream. I was really disturbed by how easily I was under her spell. I was instantly drawn to her and progressively throughout the dream it just became easier and easier to follow her. And I actually wanted to follow her. It was right after this that I felt like the Lord revealed the spirit of lust thing. At first I was like come on God it’s just TV and movies. Is it really that bad? I mean it’s all imaginary anyway right? But over the past several months I feel like He has opened up my eyes to see yeah as a matter of fact it is that bad and if I don’t cut it off now, I’m going to continue to be drawn deeper and deeper into the darkness. And movies are getting pretty fascinating these days with all the 3D and everything. I watched Avatar and I thought it was a really good movie. It had a little bit of everything for everyone. There was some romance along with an epic battle with martyrdom where men gave their life fighting for what they believed in. And it was visually stunning. Then I was house sitting for a friend right before I moved to KC and she had one of those awesome movie theater rooms and a friend came over and we watched it again in there on the big screen. It blew me away! I can only imagine what it was like in 3D in the real movie theater. But the thing is, it’s all fantasy. It entertains for 2 hours but then it’s over and you get back to reality. Now all of this seems intense and please hear me. I’m not saying movies and TV are ultimately evil. I saw Toy Story 3 over the summer and it was so cute! It was a really good movie and there was nothing inappropriate in it. I’m just learning that I need to start being careful what I put before my eyes. I was talking to one of my friends before I left and just telling him a little about what I was noticing with TV and he was telling me that he had started noticing it now too because now he was responsible for a little girl and her eyes and ears. He would have never noticed most of the stuff except that he now has a parent filter that he didn’t have before and it’s really opened his eyes. I invite you to do an experiment like I did and see if you don’t notice stuff you never noticed before.

So where has all this left me? In a search for truth, life and reality. Our lives are boring and mundane and we will do anything to try to entertain ourselves out of the boredom. This looks different for different people but we all have the same basic problem. Our lives are spent trying to cure the boredom. So I’ve really been seeking the Lord on what it looks like to live. I mean really live life. The Bible says Jesus wants us to have life and life abundantly and somehow I don’t think that means spending every Saturday night in the movie theater. So what did He mean? What does a dating relationship look like when our society’s typical date is dinner and a movie? They didn’t have TV and a couch to cuddle and watch a movie when Jesus was around. What was His original design for how a man and woman court each other? What are they supposed to spend their time doing? How about when they get married? What does a Godly married life look like? I don’t mean relationally. I mean how do we spend our time? Then what about after a few years and we have a family? What does “life” look like? I’ve been thinking a lot about how I spend my time lately and how most people would think me sitting in a prayer room for hours on end is a waste of my life. In the Bible Mary spent all of her time at Jesus’ feet and He told her that she had chosen the better part and that it would not be taken away from her. Now the truth is I could be celibate and never get married or have a family and be in the prayer room for as many hours in the day that I was not sleeping and the Lord would say it was a quality life and He would bless it. And that’s totally fine for me right now as a single chick. However it is my desire to get married and have a family so I don’t forsee that being how I will spend all my time in the future. My schedule as a student is crazy ridiculous and I have like no free time. Which works really well for this season of my life. I don’t have time to watch TV and any time that I do have where I would do something like that I can fill with studying my notes or doing my homework or reading assignments. One day when we die, each of us is going to stand before God and give an account of our lives and the way we spent our time. I cringe now just thinking about how many hours I have wasted in front of the tube or playing on the internet. I don’t want to be standing there with nothing to show for how I spent my 80 years. I’m going to take advantage of this season and really press into the Lord and seek Him on what it looks like to LIVE. What if cutting out all that other stuff really opens me up to true life? What if I finally come out of fantasyland and find real life?