My God is a Provider!

October 17, 2011

Thank you to everyone who made time to see me when I came home in August. It made me feel really loved. The Lord is so Good! I can not even begin to tell you how God has broken into my finances….but I will try. So last month I told you that the Lord gave me 2 jobs! He is so kind. I had just started working with the CEC on the nightwatch and after only about a month of volunteering there, the lady in charge asked me if I would be interested in some more responsibility and told me about a job opening that had just come available. She is over all the nightwatch CEC and then under her she has 2 nightly coordinators who take turns different nights of the week and go in 30 minutes earlier and unlock the classroom doors. Then you have to go between shifts and make sure the teachers got there and if they didn’t show up, you have to go find replacements. Then at the end of the night, you close it all down a nd make sure all the doors get locked, etc. You are also a lead teacher in the classrooms. So there’s 10 hours of classroom teaching and then 6 hours of admin, like making copies and such. So I told her I would pray about it and then she said and oh yeah you would get paid. So I didn’t have to pray long. Basically I am now getting paid to do exactly the same thing I was doing as a volunteer. It’s not quite enough to cover my monthly expenses, but it certainly helps a bunch. Then the other job is I started tutoring with a company and right now I have a client that 1 do 4 hours a week and it works great for my schedule right now because I can do it between class and the prayer room. It doesn’t get any better than that!

I started my 2^nd year of FSM a few days after I got back to Kansas City. Thanks for your prayers!! About a week after I sent out my newsletter, I received news that my church back home was going to pay for another semester of FSM!!! Such a blessing! Classes have started and this year is already way more intense than last. Last year was more like heart classes and I didn’t even feel like I was in school. This year, I am definitely aware that I am in a Bible college. We have a class called Biblical Hermeneutics (which is basically just a fancy word for Bible study) and then we have Old Testament Survey, which basically the teacher walks us through the whole Old Testament. I was super overwhelmed for probably the first 2 weeks when classes started, but now that I’ve had some time to sit down and figure my schedule out better, I am doing better because I have set times for homework which helps me to be productive. The classes aren’t necessarily hard, but they are super time consuming and there is a lot more work outside of class so I will have to work much harder this semester than last. Also, tutoring takes a large portion of my time. I do it 6:30-8:30 twice a week so I just have a lot less free time than I did last year.

And here again I see the Lord’s perfect leadership in my life. You know how I said last month I didn’t understand why God wouldn’t let me work all summer and why I had so much free time? Well I quickly figured out it’s because He knew what this semester was going to be like. He was so kind to give me several months where I had a bunch of free time to just relax and read whatever I wanted. There’s not much time for that right now. Any free time that I have is basically taken up with homework. I am even having to spend some of my prayer room time working on homework. This is not my favorite part but He is definitely giving me grace for this season.

IHOP just celebrated its 12^th anniversary of 24/7 worship and intercession. It’s so funny to think that I was here during the 10^th anniversary when I was in FITN. It was cool to hear the stories of how it started and the different things that God has spoken to Mike over the years leading up to it. It helps to constantly be reminded of why I chose to do what I do. A couple weeks ago leadership told us that they are going to do a 21 day fast and encouraged as many of us as wanted to also join. As much as I don’t really like to fast, I get really excited when corporate fasts are called because to me that says that God is up to something and I just want to be wherever God is moving. So please pray for grace for me. The fast is September 29- October 19 and I have just done really poorly fasting lately so I will need all the help I can get.

This part is really exciting. I have some God stories to share! Over the summer my roommate did a speech fast, which means she chose not to speak for a set time period each week. This sparked my curiosity and so I wanted to see what the Bible says about talking/speech. God is actually very clear about what He feels about meaningless chatter and idle speech. I will leave it to you to do your own Bible study. Anyway, one day over the summer I was volunteering at the Fascinate conference which is the high school aged one. I was in the shuttle line waiting for the shuttle and there was a conversation going on behind me about stevia and artificial sweeteners and how one was so much better than another. I remember thinking to myself, what is the point of this conversation? Anyway when I got on the bus I was just talking to God and asking Him about the spirit of prophecy and telling Him that I wanted my heart to be on fire and I wanted Him to use me to speak truth to people’s hearts and I was wondering if keeping my mouth closed instead of joining the others in conversation or starting a conversation with someone next to me would actually make a difference. I asked but I didn’t hear Him talk back. I chose to just keep quiet and not join the conversation. When I got to the convention center, I went to my assigned seat and put my stuff down. There was a lady usher who was sitting in the chair behind me and I smiled and said hi. She started a conversation with me and I found out that she was just visiting from California and had been at IHOP a couple of weeks and was going to be for about a month just to kind of get refreshed and spend some time talking to God and seeking Him for her next season of life. I am my father’s daughter so I am usually pretty early to everything so there was actually about an hour before the conference session started. As we were talking, I really felt like I was supposed to pray for her so I asked her if I could. At first she said no, she was very picky about who she let pray for her. So we continued to chat for a little while and then she told me if I still wanted to pray then I could. So I sat down next to her and I began to pray for her. I had only been praying for a couple of minutes when all of a sudden, she just starts sobbing. I had no idea if what I was praying was good or not, but usually tears mean you are hearing the Lord. So I continued to pray for her until the conference started and then I walked back to my seat and she continued to sit there. A little while into worship, she got up and came and gave me a big hug with tears still in her eyes and she thanked me for praying for her. She said as I was praying, she felt like the Lord just came and took a huge vacuum cleaner and sucked all of the junk out of her. She felt like a new person. I couldn’t help but laugh at the Lord’s timing. He didn’t even wait. As soon as I got off the bus and walked into that place He chose to use me, because I had chosen to keep my mouth closed and talk to Him. He put fire on my words, because I chose to keep my mouth shut.

Here’s another cool God story! A couple of months back I had told one of my supporters that I was a little short of support and asked if she would pray for the Lord to meet my needs. I didn’t think anything of it and then the next month when she sent me my support check, it had an added amount and it was the amount I had told her I was short. I thought oh that’s so sweet, she had some extra money that month and knew I had a need. So I decided to send her a thank you card and I asked the Lord for a verse for her to encourage her and then I mailed off the card. Well about a week later I got an email from her and she said that I needed to thank her husband for the extra support. She told me she never tells him that kind of stuff and she did not share my need. Then one day he came to her and said I think we need to send your girl at IHOP some extra money this month. So she said ok just let me know how much to write the check for and he was the one that came up with the amount! Isn’t that awesome? He doesn’t even know me, except through his wife, and he had no idea of what I needed and the Lord spoke to him my exact amount. Plus on top of that, she said that the word I got from the Lord was like dead on and encouraged me that I absolutely hear from God. When I read the email it encouraged my heart so much!

Breakthrough...It's Gradual But I'm Still Grateful

June 13, 2011

As of July, I will have officially been in Kansas City a year! Does that seem crazy to anyone else? It’s been a while since I wrote on here so let me do a quick update on my life for ya’ll. My roommate and I moved out of the basement and upstairs into the regular part of the house in April. It has been such a dramatic change! I wasn’t like depressed or anything in the basement, but since moving upstairs, I have noticed a huge change in my attitude and general well-being. It’s amazing what a little sunshine and fresh air can do for a person. I am officially on my summer break, but honestly there’s not a whole lot that has changed in my schedule. The dude that leads the nightwatch students put a lot of things in place that will help us stay focused and help our hearts to stay burning over the summer, instead of becoming dull and losing ground. I have found the spiritual principle to be true that if you are not moving forward, you are losing ground. There is no standing still, and given the time we are living in, quite honestly we just don’t have time to lose ground. I am super grateful for his leadership and how it is keeping me focused. I am still on nights and I am in the process of trying to find a summer job. I have put in many applications and have as of yet been pretty unfruitful. It’s hard to find a job that will work with the nightwatch schedule. So prayers for that would be awesome. I have started working in the nightwatch children’s equipping center (CEC)! It is so much fun and it’s nice to be putting my gift of teaching in use again. I started last month and I do it twice a week. One night I work with 1s and 2s and the other night I do the 3-5 year olds. I am definitely being stretched in the babies room because I just don’t have a lot of experience with babies, but it is definitely a good stretching. I don’t care what age. I just love to teach kids about Jesus! As the school year ended, I prayed and sought the Lord about next year and what it looked like and I feel like it looks like doing another year at FSM so as of right now that is my plan. I am absolutely loving school and I know that I know that I know that I am where I am supposed to be and doing exactly what the Lord wants me to do for this season of my life.

OK so on to the important stuff. What is God teaching me? This quarter I had 2 classes: Song of Solomon with Shelley Hundley and Eternal Glory of an Intercessor with Corey Russell. I was the most excited about Eternal Glory because everyone that has taken it has said it rocked their world. My world was absolutely rocked!

I didn’t really know how I felt about Song of Solomon because quite frankly I kinda think of myself as an expert on the book. Going into the class I was very prideful and kinda had an attitude of I know it all already, what else can I possibly learn? And honestly I do know a lot about Song of Solomon. I have read all Mike’s notes and listened to the teachings, I have read books about it, and basically anything I could get my hands on related to us as the church being the Bride of Christ I was all over it. I mean my friends know me as the Song of Solomon girl. The beginning of class was honestly pretty boring because she really just went over Mike’s notes again, which I had studied on my own before, during, as well as after Fire in the night. I can tell you all the breakdowns of the 8 chapters and what’s going on with the bride in each season and what she is doing or not doing and what God is doing or not doing. But when it really comes down to it, none of that matters if it’s just head knowledge. I want heart knowledge, experiential knowledge! One of my teachers has a saying that goes somewhat to the effect of you may know the Bible, but does the Bible know you? I know Song of Solomon, but sadly I’ve realized, it just doesn’t know me yet. We had to do several assignments where we actually had to go really deep into the book and I came out with one conclusion. I did not know near as much as I thought I did. In fact, after this class I feel like I know less than I did going in. Which of course has left me very frustrated. I see growth in so many areas of my life and in my walk with God, but there are still things that I have been crying out for for years and for whatever reason He is just choosing not to answer just yet. You know how when people pass you in the hall and ask you how are you? I feel like I never know how to answer that question. Circumstantially my life is great and I love my friends and school and the prayer room and Kansas City. But at the same time I am just not ok. I keep trying to put into words exactly what it is that I want from God and I just don’t know if I can articulate it. I want Him to make it real to my heart. I want to believe that everything I’m learning and what I am reading about in the Bible is actually true for me today. I want to know that He actually wants me as much as I want Him. Now you all know that I want a hug from God and I want Him to hold me until I believe He loves me, but at the same time I don’t want to control Him and He can manifest Himself to me in whatever way He wants…just so long as He comes! I want Him to manifest His presence on my heart. If you pray only one thing for me, make it that. So I’m good but at the same time until Jesus makes Himself real to my heart, I am just not ok. My hunger and longing has only multiplied this semester and when people have prayed for me they say it’s a season where God is enlarging my capacity to receive His love. That’s great and all I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, but how much longer? Isn’t my capacity large enough yet? What is He waiting for? One poor unsuspecting guy prayed for more hunger for me and I actually yelled at him and then told God not to give me anymore if He wasn’t going to answer it. Of course I later apologized to the guy and he was really understanding. Several months back one of the students got a word for me and she said that the Lord was getting ready to take me into a season where He wanted to tell me that I am His beloved and He wanted me to feel His love on my heart. At first I got so excited and had a huge expectation that it was coming soon, but that was months ago. I’m still clinging to the promise but I am so weary of believing it may happen and then being let down when it doesn’t. I mean I am asking God for the same thing I was asking Him for before I even moved here. Granted I know in comparison to some people who have been interceding for way longer that seems like nothing but to me 3 or 4 years is an eternity. A couple weeks back I went up for an alter call and the girl asked me what I wanted prayer for and I told her and as I was talking I just burst into tears and couldn’t contain them. She was so sweet and sincere and filled with compassion and all she said was Oh, you’re lovesick! To which I just burst out into more tears. Not that I needed to be validated but sometimes I wonder what is this that I feel and she basically put it into words for me. So that’s what it comes down to. I am lovesick. Nothing will satisfy me until He comes and I am not ok until He comes. I need Jesus.

On a super encouraging note, this semester it has also been interesting to actually see how God has been answering my prayers and actually experience personal change and growth in myself. I have loved being a nightwatch student. I daily wrestle with the constant nagging fear of “missing out” by being on nights, but when it comes down to it, the positives far outweigh the negatives. Anyway we had about 60 students total on nightwatch this year and about a third of those were first years like me. Every morning from 3-4 AM we would gather in a side room and we would pray together for IHOPU. Praying together really does bind your hearts and bring you together in unity. We have really become like a little family and it has been so awesome. We have also done a lot of group hang-outs outside of the prayer room that were non-school related. On top of that, I am getting connected to other nightwatchers through some of my other friends on nights. Basically I am finally meeting people outside of the prayer room and hanging out in group settings. Now to some of you this probably doesn’t seem like a huge deal, but the other day I was thinking about it and I realized how big of a deal it actually is. I got to thinking about growing up, even in high school and college and how I would hate to be in new situations where I didn’t really know anyone. If I was placed in those situations, I would pretty much just stay off to the side and hope someone would talk to me or cling to the few people I may know there. The other night I was at a game night where I actually only knew 2 girls. Over the course of the night I met several new people, mostly guys, and really had a lot of fun. That night when I got home I was thinking back over the night and analyzing myself (still working on this…baby steps) but I think it was a good analyzing because I came to the conclusion that I am actually starting to have confidence in who I am and I am able to be myself in a new context with strangers without worrying what they are thinking about me and I feel like that in itself is huge breakthrough. I’m starting to see that maybe I am actually catching on to some of this identity stuff I keep asking the Lord to tell me about. It appears that He actually is answering my prayers to root me and ground me in my identity in Him. Turns out sitting in a gray chair 6 hours a night singing and talking to Jesus really is making a difference. Prayer really is working!

There’s Something Bigger Going On…There’s Someone Bigger Than Me…He’s HOLY!

March 12, 2011

This week is spring break! However you would not be able to tell it by the weather. I am so done with winter. I slipped and fell on the ice 3 times in the past month. I have had some gnarly bruises. (Yes that is an interesting word choice but I could not think of another that would do it justice) Once I fell down my stairs and the others I slipped on the sidewalk. I felt like an 80 year old lady. I was sore for several days after but luckily I did not break a hip. =P I mean the snow was cool to see and play in once but that’s all I needed and then I’m totally cool to move on with things. I cannot wait until I get to wear tank tops and flip flops again.

I am going to be moving next month. Not far though- just upstairs. The landlady bought a new house and she and the chick upstairs are going to be moving there. So she offered me and my roommate to move upstairs. My rent won’t change or anything and I won’t have to live in a basement. We will have a full kitchen with a dishwasher and garbage disposal, which we do not have down here. Plus we won’t have to buy any furniture because our lease is for a furnished apartment so she’s either going to move up what’s down here in the basement with us, or if it won’t fit, buy us new stuff. Pretty much a win-win. Although I’m not super excited about moving my furniture upstairs but it shouldn’t be too bad. She moves the first week of April so we will move shortly after that. Plus she doesn’t have time to pack so she’s going to give me $10/hr to pack up her stuff. Praise the Lamb!

I moved back to the nightwatch this semester. I love nights and I was so excited to go back but when it came time to actually make the decision, I actually questioned it a lot. My main fear was that I was going to miss out on getting to know the daytime students better since our schedules would be so different. There’s like 300 first year students and while I know faces pretty well, I haven’t really had a chance to really meet people and talk to them. (Partly due to my own shyness) So I was basically afraid I wasn’t going to get to know people because I would be hidden on the nightwatch. So that first night I found out I could go back on nights I went to bed and I was still pretty unsure if I really was going to do it or not. However, that night I got woken up twice, once at 2:00 A.M. and then again at 4:30 A.M. This had never happened before. I woke up out of a dead sleep and was worshiping in my bed. I didn’t wake up and then start singing. No I woke up because I was singing! I mean I had hands up in the air and everything. Both times! It was the most bizarre thing. I was really hot and threw my covers off both times and I think it was the fire of the Lord. I didn’t “feel” the presence of God or hear or see anything but something was definitely going on. So needless to say, I took that as confirmation to go back on nights. I was telling one of my friends what happened and she felt like the Lord showed her that Him waking me up twice meant I was going to get a double portion if I chose nights. So I receive it! So it’s definitely been a battle, but when it comes down to it, I am wired for the nights. If God wants to hide me there then He can.

Ok now on to the important stuff. What is God doing? Isn’t that the million dollar question? This semester has felt like a whirlwind. This quarter my classes were Excellencies of Christ with Allen Hood and Foundations of Prophetic Ministry with Shelley Hundley. The winter has been crazy and we have had some intense snow storms and a lot of our classes actually got cancelled so I kinda feel jipped. Like for instance, Allen’s class has 3 sessions on the cross of Jesus alone and we didn’t get to any of them. But we just found out that we are going to get recordings of all the classes we missed so it’s not all bad. The Holy Spirit has definitely been doing some interesting stuff. Probably about 2 weeks ago, Holy Spirit showed up in Allen’s class. His session was supposed to be on the zeal of the Lord. He only got like one sentence into his teaching and then he stopped and said “I feel the jealousy of the Lord over this class.” Then he launched into an exhortation to the students that if anyone was living a double life in sexual immorality or carousing and getting drunk that they needed to rethink what they were doing. After that he tried to go back to teaching and he stopped and said he felt like if he continued with his lesson, God was going to strike him down. He had never felt the fear of the Lord like that and he felt like he had to continue in the same vain. Then all of a sudden Shelley was on the stage telling her dream the turn word again, which we as first years have heard like 3 times at least so I think she must have felt it was really important to share it again. So the class basically just got hit with the spirit of the fear of the Lord and went into a time of confession and repentance. Then that same week it happened in the prophecy class and whatever Shelley was going to teach on that day completely got thrown out the window and the Holy Spirit redirected us. Shortly after that, IHOPU leadership was feeling like the Lord was doing something big and inviting us as students into a time of sanctification and consecration, so they decided to cancel our last class and hold an IHOPU convocation where all the students 1-4 year as well as all the interns would come together. We all came together and had a time of consecrating ourselves to the Lord and even took communion. It was really nice. So that was set for last Wednesday. But something even crazier happened the day before. Tuesday is student chapel and it is at 1 and I don’t normally go because that means I wake up at noon, which is the equivalent of 6 AM for my schedule. But I knew the Lord was moving in an unusual way so I decided that Tuesday I was going to get up early and go to chapel. It was so the Lord. We did worship and then as soon as it was over and chapel was going to start, leadership told us that chapel and classes were cancelled that day because Mike Bickle had called an emergency meeting of students and staff. They said a man was visiting from Uganda and had shared an encounter with Mike that day and as he was sharing it, Mike felt like it was a corporate word for the IHOP community, as well as the church in general. So he called this like ridiculously impromptu meeting for like 2 hours later in the same building we were having chapel. Luckily I was already there because by the time we got the email I would have just been waking up and getting in the shower and I would have totally gotten there late and more than likely be unable to find parking or even a seat. God is so good! Mike had never done anything like this since IHOP started so everyone knew it had to be a pretty big deal. Here is a link for the message that we heard.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t4WSe5tK_2Y

I invite you to listen to it when you can. It has left everyone shaken and really questioning a lot of stuff in our own personal walks with the Lord.

So all this happened the week before Spring Break and now I’ve had about a week to process it and talk to the Lord about everything. Basically God is up to something. He is calling us as students to greater holiness and sanctification. Everyone has had mixed feelings but my take away is that God is doing this now in His gentleness and kindness. Mike always says shock me now, don’t shock me later, and it appears that He is shocking us now. One of the leaders over the nightwatch said he feels like John’s message was the first trumpet in Joel 2 to wake us up. John’s message basically has made me stop and question my standing with God. It has made me truly examine my heart. And unfortunately, I am seeing more yuck and darkness so that’s been pretty painful. Confession time: I used to be a really judgmental person. The Lord has really done a big work in me though and I thought I was so much better. However, over the past about a month and a half, all this ugliness and judgmental thoughts about people I don’t even know has come up in my heart. I’ve been really mad at myself because I thought we had taken care of all that already and I didn’t know why it was coming back. Then several weeks back, some lady was praying for me and she said something to the effect of, you have had a lot of offense come up in your heart lately and you’re wondering where it’s coming from, and I feel like the Lord is bringing it up because he’s teaching you how to love. More confession: I don’t think I’m all that bad. This has been a journey since fire in the night of the Lord showing me just how dark I am but when you ask me what sin I’m struggling with, for the most part I would have a hard time telling you because it’s not like I struggle with the “big ones.” However, through John’s message, God has really been speaking to me about my thought life and my speech. Especially in the area of judgmental thoughts and complaining. And I would have said this was not that big a deal and it’s only in my mind so it’s not really sin, but God has really been showing me that is just not the case. The Bible is very clear that not only will we be judged on our actions, but also the thoughts and intents of our hearts. This is a sobering reality and one I am still working through. The Bible says to work out our salvation with fear and trembling and I feel like that’s what we’ve all been doing since John’s message.

The basic gist of what God is doing in this season is calling everyone to greater holiness. The Bible says be Holy as I am Holy. God is Holy. We are not. He desires to make us holy because He wants to be with us. What He is doing in this season is giving us an invitation into greater intimacy. The more like Him we become, the closer we get to get to Him. And if you know me at all, you know I am trying to get as close to His heart as He will let me. The comforting part of it all is we can’t do it ourselves. If we could we wouldn’t need a savior. It’s His zeal for us and His jealousy for us to be with Him where He is because He loves us that is going to accomplish it. We say yes and cooperate with Him and He will get us there. He promises. It’s in His Word. All we have to do is say yes to whatever He asks us to do and obey. Before all this happened, I really felt like I was feeling the presence of the Lord like fire. I told you that I had begun to feel the Lord in small ways and I feel like I have increasingly over the past several months felt Him like fire. My face or my hands will get really hot, which since I am always freezing is a tell-tale sign that it’s not just a coincidence when I am burning up in a room where everyone else is wearing their coats. Isn’t that nice of Him? Haha Anyway about a month ago at an FCF service, I was feeling the fire of the Lord and the dude called out from the stage if you were feeling fire on your body to raise your hand so people could pray for you because that was a sign that the Lord wanted to give you more. So I raised my hand and as soon as I did I felt my leg start to shake. This is how it starts so I knew the Lord was getting ready to shake me again. I wasn’t any less scared this time, I think because I know how I’ve felt when He’s done it in the past. So a lady came up and started praying for me and as she prayed I began to shake uncontrollably again. This time was a little different though. While it was happening I was basically saying God I don’t understand why you do this when you know it scares me and I hate it. But this time I just kept proclaiming, you are good. I trust you. Your leadership is perfect. You are a good shepherd. The lady praying for me was really sweet too. I think it must have been an older lady because as she was praying for me she was very gently rubbing my back in a very motherly gentle way. It was like she could tell I was not ok. Then it was over and that peaceful feeling came over me again and I just sat down. So basically this appears to be a season of shaking. Just in case you haven’t noticed, God is shaking things. Look at what’s going on in Egypt. Then the earthquake/tsunami thing in Japan? He is trying to wake us up. And the thing is, America is not exempt. Big shaking is coming to us too. It’s inevitable. I know what I am doing with my life looks so foolish to a lot of you. But I have never been more convinced that where I am and what I am doing is exactly how God wants it. This is a season where I am to set my face my flint and be violent in my pursuit of holiness, and ultimately my pursuit of Jesus. God has given me this invitation and I am not taking it lightly. It’s not just me and it’s not just IHOP. God is extending the invitation to whoever wants it. Now it’s going to look different in your life than mine because we are all in different places and different seasons in our journey with the Lord. I invite you to ask God where He may be calling you to greater areas of holiness and sanctification. Shaking is coming. Now is the season where we must be like the wise ones in Matthew 25 and get oil (relationship with Jesus) in our lamps. We must allow Him to shake us now so that we will stand firm when it all starts coming down.

¹ “At that time the kingdom of heaven will be like ten virgins who took their lamps and went out to meet the bridegroom. ² Five of them were foolish and five were wise. ³ The foolish ones took their lamps but did not take any oil with them. ⁴ The wise ones, however, took oil in jars along with their lamps.

Oh God help me to be a wise one!

Hello New Year New Beginning...How I Have Been Waiting For You

January 23, 2011

So as this new year has begun, I can’t help but be thankful that the Lord has brought me though the most painful season of my life thus far, grateful for where He currently has me, and I’m hopeful for what the future may hold. I got to come home for Christmas and it was a really good week. I got some warm fuzzy family time, good quality sister hang out time, and even got to hang out with some people I really miss. (Not all but a lot) Then it was back to KC for Onething. Which was kinda different this year because I signed up to serve and I ushered basically all day each day. It was good but my legs were so tired at the end of the night! Luckily I got brand new tennis shoes that don’t give my feet blisters for Christmas. Praise the Lamb! Onething was kind of a defining moment for me this year. Sure the teaching was great and the worship was beyond amazing, but it was during onething that I had the sudden realization that I am good. I made it through. I was thinking back to last year and how my heart was this exact time last year and I was just a huge mess. I was miserable and depressed and I was walking on eggshells afraid to run into the people who hurt my heart. But this year, I knew they were there and even saw them and had a brief conversation it didn’t faze me. I think it was the second to last day and I remember this overwhelming feeling that I really was good and I had made it through. The Lord has been so faithful. Now obviously the Lord still has a lot of healing to do on my heart and He’s slowly but surely doing it in His time and in His way, but I really am good =)

Now that being said, I am so grateful for where the Lord has me. I started another semester of school this past week and oh my gosh! I am overwhelmed that the Lord is allowing me to be here and to get such deep teaching from such amazing teachers. Never in a million years would I have ever thought I would actually like school! Haha go figure. God gave me my heart’s desire this semester and I got to go back on the Nightwatch. I didn’t even wait until school started. I was there as soon as onething was over. Oh how I have missed it. I don’t do the whole 12-6 like I did in fire in the night but I do 12-4 am, 6 nights a week. So I basically go home at 4 and then sleep until 2 each day, except for a couple where I wake up really early for class at 1. That’s rough but so far I’ve been good. Plus I can always take a nap if I need to. Our schedule this semester is really intense and I think we’ll have a lot more homework and less free time but I’m good with that. That’s the season the Lord has me in anyway.

I have 2 classes this semester. The first one is the Excellencies of Christ with Allen Hood. I actually took this class in fire in the night so it’s a repeat and I’m really excited to take it again with the guy who actually wrote the class. He said he hasn’t taught it since 2008 so I feel really lucky to be here when he teaches it again. Now while I am excited, at the same time I also very aware that it was this particular class that began to show me my yuck and darkness and how I actually do need a savior. If you remember my past blogs, that was rough. So I am preparing to see more of my darkness and bracing myself to encounter much more death to self. That part always sucks! Then my other class is Foundations of Prophetic Ministry and it’s taught by Shelley Hundley. I wasn’t fully sure what to think about this class, but then the first day of class I pretty much cried the whole class so I know the Lord is getting ready to use it. There’s even like 6 or 7 classes on different seers in the Bible. No coincidence there!

Ok so now the deep stuff. What is God doing in my heart? Loaded question. God is asking me to be His friend. Now here’s the thing. This is not the first time He’s asked me that. When I went to the Call 7/7/07 in Nashville, they had prophecy tents and I went and the lady that was praying for me got John 15 and it talks about abiding in the vine and being a friend of God. She was so sweet. She looked at me all excited with a huge smile on her face and she goes. “God is asking you to be His friend!” I smiled politely but inside I was fuming. I was like Friend? I have enough friends. What do you mean you want to me my friend? You’re supposed to be my bridegroom? You just wanna be my friend? Awesome you’re no different from all the other guys. So needless to say I was not encouraged by this word. God is so funny too because on the drive home, we all popped our tapes in and listened to them in the car, and when we put mine in, it was the only one that didn’t even work. So I just sorta wrote it off because I didn’t like what I heard anyway, but even though the tape didn’t work, it was like He etched John 15 on my heart and I’ve actually never forgotten what she said.

So fast forward a few years, and we come to the past few months, probably since I got back from the missions trip. I wrote a couple of blogs ago about how the Lord was beginning to speak to me about the heart of the judge. So my landlady had Shelley’s class the Heart of the Judge and let me borrow it. I was so excited! I devoured all 20-something classes in less than two weeks right before Christmas. I don’t even know if I can fully articulate what the Lord has been doing in my heart, but each class I would just sit and cry as every single class just continued to touch my heart. I think the most impactful part of all the teaching was when she was talking about being friends with God and what it means and what it looks like. I have never felt more convicted. All I could say was God I’m so sorry! I didn’t understand. I didn’t know that’s what it meant to be your friend. I’m so sorry! Basically it means that God is looking for people who He can be Himself with. He’s looking for friends He can share His secrets and His heart with. He’s looking for people who will just cry with Him because they feel what He feels. He wants people who will just be with Him and who He can just be with. He wants people that He doesn’t have to say wait here while I go over there and pray to. So then the first day of the prophecy class what are the 2 verses that she pulls out from the ghetgo? John 15 and John 17. To which I said ok God I’m listening. The entire class she proceeded to talk about friendship with the Lord and how God is looking for friends. I was just stunned. She opened with John 17:24 which if you remember was the verse the Lord hit me with last year during fitn after Corey’s message and that guy came up at the end and said I feel like the Lord is saying this is the banner over your life.

24 “Father, I desire that they also whom You gave Me may be with Me where I am, that they may behold My glory which You have given Me; for You loved Me before the foundation of the world.

Then she pulled out John 15, which is exactly the part the lady used when she said God wanted to be my friend.

15 No longer do I call you servants, for a servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I heard from My Father I have made known to you. 16 You did not choose Me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit, and that your fruit should remain, that whatever you ask the Father in My name He may give you.

However, while the teaching on the heart of the judge totally rocked my world, I have also had quite a bit of offense come up in my heart about what the lives of “friends of God” looked like. My last two years have been the hardest of my life and I feel like God has already asked me to do some hard things and I’m afraid of what else He may ask me to say yes to if I really say yes to being His friend. And I’m coming to see that I’m scared of God because I see Him as a mean taskmaster that once He finds someone who will say yes, He’ll use them to do what He wants them to do because He knows they’re not going to say no. And He knows that I’m going to say yes to whatever He asks me because I have said yes in the past and I’m afraid to disobey.

What I guess it basically comes down to is, I’m in a season of asking what did I really sign up for? The majority of the church begins following Jesus because if you say yes to Him then He will bless you and give you a good life and great things and you will be happy and healthy and everything will be wonderful. In America, for the most part, Christianity is associated with the American Dream. Anyone who knows me knows I’m all about this. Give me the husband, the 2.5 kids, and a precious little house with a white picket fence and I’m happy as a clam. This season pretty much started at the end of the mission trip at the fight conference when they were talking about being missionaries and how we are all called to “go.” Then we got back and our book for the last module of class was called the “Heavenly Man” and it was basically about this Chinese dude and chronicles His life and the very real torture and persecution he endured for the sake of Jesus. Then the last module of class was about the lifestyle of the forerunner and he talked about persecution and even martyrdom. I’ve been scouring the Bible on what it truly means to follow Jesus and what your life looks like when you really follow Him. In a nutshell it means picking up your cross and dying to yourself daily. It means possibly being hated by friends and family, and quite likely persecution in some form or fashion. While I didn’t start following Jesus because of what He could give me or do for me, I’m realizing that I am much more about comfort and convenience and what God can do to bless me than I am about suffering and enduring persecution for His sake. I love the world way more than I realized I did. So I am super excited about this semester, but I am also fully aware that it will probably be a painful semester as the Lord again shows me more of my darkness and yuck and humanism that I like to hide and pretend isn’t in there.

Now before you go thinking wow that sounds miserable, here’s the funniest thing. I am probably the happiest right now that I have ever been my whole life. God is doing some hard stuff in my life and in my heart, but at the same time He is continuously demolishing the lies that I have believed about Him and renewing my mind to the truth of who He is and what He is like. Slowly but surely, the Lord is winning over my heart and causing me to fall more and more and deeper and deeper in love with Him. There’s this integral switch in Song of Solomon where at the beginning the girl is super selfish and it’s all about what she gets from her relationship with Jesus and how much she enjoys Him. She says in 2:16: 16 My beloved is mine, and I am his. It’s all about what she gets first and secondly about what He gets.

Then it switches and all of sudden she goes from the place of He’s her inheritance and it’s all about what she can get from Him and she makes this amazing statement in chapter 7: 10: 10 I am my beloved’s, And his desire is toward me.

Now for the first time she’s not as selfish and she’s beginning to see that it’s not just about what she gets, but it’s really about what Jesus gets. She is His inheritance. She is His prize. She is His reward for His suffering. It’s really funny because I feel like the bride is really far in her journey and pretty mature once she gets to this part, but the more I realize what the Lord is doing in my heart and in my life, I feel like this may be where I am. I am actually beginning to dare to believe that everything that I’ve read in the Bible and heard in all the teachings and in my classes is true, not just for the church corporately, but for me personally and individually. It’s very gradual and I feel like I’m at the very beginning of the beginning but I feel like it’s actually starting to take root in my heart and plant itself there. I told the Lord just the other day that I was going to stop believing the lies and stop accusing Him of being someone He’s not. Starting this semester, I’m going to dare to believe it’s true. I am going to start proclaiming this truth, whether I feel it or not: He desires me. He wants me. I did not choose Him, but He chose me and appointed me that I should go and bear fruit. It’s not about me. It’s about Him and the fact that He wants me. There’s this great chorus on the nightwatch and it goes “You really enjoy me. You really are for me. Finally I believe it. Finally I receive it. I’ll stop trying to control you, I’ll stop trying to resist you. I’ll just let you love me. I’ll just let you love me.” I have officially made it my chorus for this semester.

Oh and this doesn’t really have anything to do with anything else but I am going to get a commentary and I am going to study the book of Deuteronomy this semester. I have never actually studied a book of the Bible before so I have no clue what I’m doing, but I’m really excited about it. =)

California Blitz!

November 19, 2010

So I am back from my ministry trip and I just have to say I had the best time! Thank you so much to everyone who supported me both financially and through prayer. It is an absolute pleasure partnering with you to see the work of God’s Kingdom. I don’t even know where to start so I guess I’ll try the beginning. Like I said in my previous blog I had a lot of fear going into this trip. I felt like I was 5 years old but honestly the biggest fear I had the whole time was who am I going to sit with on the bus? I was like Lord please let someone sit next to me that doesn’t think I’m boring and thinks I’m fun. Silly right? I had one friend besides the girls in my small group that I knew and I was really praying we would sit together. However, as it turns out she was on another bus because they divided us up by small groups. So there were 5 girls in my small group and they all paired up and sat together and I was the lone man out. So already I was like ok God I really don’t like this. So the bus was filling up and then a guy sat next to me. I was thinking wow this is going to be really awkward. The Lord is so good and faithful! The guy was really friendly and we started talking and he was also a first year student and he was from Houston! He literally lives like 20-30 minutes from my parents’ house. Small world right? Anyway he was really funny and we clicked instantly and got along really well. This was good because we had a 36 hour bus ride and slept overnight on the bus. So that fear was immediately squashed. There were 5 buses and we had about 300 students on the trip total. Once we got to California we all split up to different areas. My bus went to Rancho Cucamonga! Haha isn’t that fun? Our group was really small and I loved that. We had my girls small group and then a first year guys small group and with the leaders we had like 20 people total. It was great!

Friday: We got to California around 4 or 5 the next night and found out we were going to be living in a house of prayer. Can you think of anything my little heart desires more than that? The place was called Refuge House of Prayer and it reminded me a lot of the Katy one. I felt right at home. There was one room for the guys and one for the girls and we took turns going to the house of the couple who lead the prayer room, Ted and Toni, for showers every few days. (least favorite part but it could’ve been worse) The first night was really low key. We got in and got settled and they had vegetable lasagna waiting for us since we were still Daniel fasting. It was so yummy! Then that night they had a worship/intercession set and we got to pray and participate in that. Then we went to sleep.

Saturday: On Saturdays they do healing rooms, like at Grace. So some people were assigned to a room and were put on a team while others were assigned to sit in the main room and intercede for those getting prayer and to worship. I was assigned a healing team. Instantly I was freaked out but I was like ok God I put all this in your hands and said use me however you want to use me so if this is what you want I will do it. I was with 2 other guys and 1 girl. The main guy was really sweet when I told him I didn’t really know what I was doing and I don’t really even know if the Lord is gonna speak to me. He prayed for me and it was encouraging. So anyway, the way they do the rooms is a person comes in and writes down on a piece of paper what they want prayer for, then the dude at the front desk folds it in half and brings it to our room. We ask the Lord what He wants to say to this person before we even open the paper. Then we discuss what we got from the Lord and how it fits together and then the person comes in and we pray for them. I’m not sure if other rooms got the people that needed physical healing but our room pretty much just got people that wanted prayer. I think it was more like the prophecy rooms where you are just supposed to exhort and encourage. The first one went pretty well and I feel like he was really encouraged. Then it was the second one and I found out later she was the wife of someone very high up in leadership there or something like that. Before she came in or we knew what we were praying for I felt like God gave me the phrase “eyes like Esther.” I don’t really know what that means and someone prayed it over me once but I told the guy. When we opened the paper it said she wanted prayer for her eyes. So that was interesting. When she came in and we asked her what she wanted prayer for she said something completely different from on the paper. So the others went around the room and told her what they got and prayed and then it was my turn. I said ok I think this is going to sound really strange and I don’t even know what it means but I got the phrase “eyes like Esther.” The lady started crying. She was like that’s exactly what I really wanted prayer for but I didn’t want to bring it up. I have the seer anointing and my physical eyes have had a lot of problems lately and I feel like it’s interfering with me being able to see in the spirit. So I’m actually going to IHOP this week because the Lord said He wanted to give me the mantle of Esther. (whatever that means?) By this point the main guy leading was freaking out and he goes you don’t know this but this girl standing across from you is from IHOP. How funny is that? So anyway I prayed for her and I anointed her eyelids with oil and was basically like ok God I don’t know what you want me to impart to her but obviously there’s something you want to give her that you’ve given me so whatever that is I impart it to her. Then she said her eyes starting burning. I never figured out if that was a good thing or bad. Anyway the guys felt like after I prayed for her she was supposed to pray for me. So then she prayed for me and anointed my eyes with oil. I didn’t feel anything different but the main dude was really excited and said when we were praying for each other he saw fireworks and angels in the spirit so that means something must have happened. He said we were like kindred spirits. So I think that was definitely a divine appointment. The best part was afterward she walked out and the guy in charge, Ted, asked how it went and she goes. I just got what I was going to Kansas City for. Crazy huh? She still went but apparently she couldn’t stop talking about how much I blessed her after that. Ted kept telling me how much it blessed him that I blessed her because apparently she has a pretty impactful ministry. So that was pretty cool. Then I repented to the Lord for doubting that He wants to use me and that He speaks to me.

Sunday: This was a pretty low key day. We went to this place called the cove which apparently was a spot that was important back in the 70s when there was a revival called the Jesus movement and people got saved and baptized right there in the cove. So we went there and heard some history and even baptized some people. It was a beautiful day and a pretty cool experience.

Monday/Tuesday: These days we went to the campus of UC Riverside. They had been doing 48 hours of non-stop prayer and worship and we were going there to strengthen them and pray and worship with them. They had a tent set up in the middle of the campus where we all met to pray together. The first day we prayer-walked the campus and wrote down anything that we felt like the Lord was saying. We wrote it in a little notebook and they really appreciated our feedback. I have a funny story though. As we were walking around I noticed that all the plants by the psychology building were dead and then when we turned a corner I saw these awesome trees with lots of fruit on them. I was like oh this must symbolize something in the spirit but I couldn’t see what the building was. So when we stopped I told one of the guys in my group what I thought and he looked at the map of the campus and found the building and started laughing. I was like what’s so funny? He goes it’s the entomology building. I was like wait isn’t that like the study of plants? Yeah so turns out there wasn’t anything to it so that was funny. The second day they wanted us to go around campus and evangelize. I was not excited about this. The idea of evangelism is super intimidating to me but I said ok God here I am. I want you to show me the person on this campus that you want the most. The one that your heart breaks for the most because they don’t know you. So we’re walking around and the guy I was partnered with pointed out a girl sitting by herself and said what about her? So I prayed and felt like the Lord was highlighting her so over we went. My heart was pounding and I didn’t even know what was going on but before I knew it I was sitting next to her and introducing myself. I opened with the fact that we had a prayer booth in the center of the campus and asked her if she needed prayer for anything. She said no and then I asked her if she knew Jesus. She told me that she was a Hindu. I was like oh yikes. So I asked her if anyone had ever told her that Jesus was a real man and He wanted a real relationship with her. She eyes got huge and she was like no tell me more. It was crazy! She was so receptive. The guy I was with and I ping-ponged off each other and just told her about Jesus and a little of our stories and how He’s changed our life. Then she had to go to class and I asked her if I could pray for her and she said yes! So she didn’t accept Christ but we both felt like we planted a good seed. I was super grateful that the Lord highlighted her first knowing that she would be receptive and not spit in my face or cuss me out. Something happened to me too. When we were done and walking back to the tent I was overcome with joy and I was so excited about what just happened. There was something in me that came alive when I did that. It was new and I really liked the feeling. Plus since we’ve been back I feel like the Lord will put her on my heart randomly and I will pray for her. It’s kinda cool.

Wednesday: This was a day when all 300 students went on a tour of historical revival sites and listened to Lou Engle tell us the history. It was so fascinating and by the end of the day you felt tiny because you saw how much bigger this all was than you. I also walked away super grateful that the Lord is letting me be a part of such a historical happening. We started at Mott Auditorium, then went to the Rose Bowl, then Amy Semple McPherson’s temple where the Four Square church movement started, and ended the night on Azusa Street. In 1910 there was this amazing revival called the Azusa Street Revival and there have been a lot of words spoken about how in 100 years (2010 anyone?) God was gonna pour out another one. So we had an awesome night of prayer and worship on Azusa Street.

Thursday-Sunday: These days were the fight conference and student call. We were there for the conference but we were also serving in lots of different aspects. I didn’t really know what the conference was going to be about before. It was basically about missions and how we are all called to go. So there was a lot of really interesting speakers and the Lord definitely touched my heart in new ways. They gave several alter calls for if you were ready to be a missionary and go. I did not go up for any of those. I basically told the Lord ok God I am nowhere near there yet. I’ve told you if you want to make me a missionary than you still need to do a huge work in my heart. But at the same time when I said yes to you, my life was no longer my own and you know I’m going to say yes to anything you ask me to do. So I am not willing. But I am willing to let you make me willing. So that’s where I stand on that right now. I’m willing to be willing. I’m not actually sure how to articulate what’s on my heart about this part yet so we’ll just leave it at that.Who knows what the Lord has for me…

Then that last night we got on the bus and drove 2 days back to Kansas City. This time we slept overnight on the bus 2 nights. Needless to say, we were all ready to be home. Overall the trip was amazing. They gave us an acronym of our assignment and mission before we went and it was S.O.S. Strengthen the believers, Open the heavens, and save souls. There were awesome stories of people getting saved, healed, and delivered from the other groups too. So we all felt like we did a pretty good job of accomplishing this. Plus now we have faces and people in mind so when we intercede for California, we have more of a heart connect which is always helpful. One of our leaders said before we left that his main goal for this trip was that all of us students would just fall in love with each other and that is so what happened. We can’t even explain it but our group was like instantly brothers and sisters. I didn’t know my small group girls well at all and we became super close. I didn’t know any of the guys either, and as it turns out the guy I sat by on the bus was also in the group with us. We all came away with new brothers and sisters in Christ. On top of that, those guys served all of us girls more than I think we’ve ever been served. They gave up all their air mattresses so we didn’t have to sleep on the floor and gave us their coats when we were cold. They always let us take showers first and eat first. They would actually serve us food and refill drinks before they even ate one bite. They went above and beyond and really loved us and took care of us. It really opened my eyes to see how a Godly man is supposed to treat a woman. There was definitely some healing of my heart that took place this week. Actually there was a lot of healing I felt like the Lord did in my heart. Then the last night we played a game called I love you because and we went around the room and told everyone why we loved them. It was so encouraging and God really used some of those guys to speak straight to my heart. So all in all it was such an amazing trip! All my fears were like nothing once I was there. God is so faithful! Oh and last but not least. On the ride home I asked the guy if he wanted to be my bus buddy again and he said yeah so we sat together again and on the way home he goes Ya know Amy, I’m really happy we got to sit together. You are so fun! =)

P.S. As I was just finishing this blog I got a friend request on facebook from the guy that I did the healing rooms with and this was his last sentence in his message:

BTW-the testimony of the eyes of esther is still being talked about! :)