Dark But Lovely

So I’m really enjoying my Sermon on the Mount class. It’s basically calling us to radical obedience and every week I want to go after it a little bit harder. But this class has been transformational for me. So I’ve thought that in order to walk out this Christianity thing I had to “be good” and “be perfect.” Turns out that’s not what it’s about. The class is all about pursuing 100 fold obedience, which basically means seeking to obey God in every area of your life. Here’s the kicker… it’s all about PURSUING… it’s not all about attaining. If we seek to attain it, we’re never going to succeed. We can’t without Jesus. It’s not possible. We are going to fail and guess what? It’s ok. So this whole time I’ve felt weak and like I’m behind everybody else right? Well it turns out that’s where I’m supposed to be. God knows we’re going to fail. It’s what we do when we fail that matters. When we fall we’re supposed to get up, repent for our sin, then turn around and receive His forgiveness and start running after Him and set our heart not to sin. We re going to because we’re human. But as long as we’re setting our heart to obey, God sees the yes and He says well done my good and faithful servant. I’m reading this book about spiritual gifts and tonight I came across this passage and I’m not really sure why it was in the book but I know that God used it to speak to my heart. In Proverbs there’s a verse that says the righteous man will fall 7 times but God will pick him up 8. He’s always going to pick us up! He’s never going to let us fail and then just leave us there. About a month before I came here we brought the Mercy Street youth up here and so one day I was sitting in the prayer room and this girl sang this song that was God speaking right to my heart and she said I’m not in a rush I’m not in a hurry. I’m a lover of the process and a lover of the journey. Stop comparing yourself to others. You are exactly where you need to be. Our teacher gave a really good picture of how God looks at us. He said imagine you are a little baby and you are just learning to walk. When you fall down does your father go what is the matter with you? Haven’t you got it right yet? I’m so frustrated with you and disappointed in you. That would be crazy right? But that’s how we view God. That every time we fail God is standing there mad and ready to lay into us for getting it wrong. But that’s not how He is at all . He’s looking at us in our weakness and immaturity because He sees us through the blood of Jesus and we are now His righteousness and he sees every tiny step we take toward Him and He sees every tiny yes we say in our hearts and He is standing there with His arms wide open encouraging us and calling us closer to him. So we’re to look at ourselves as babies just learning to walk and talk. This I can definitely do because that’s how I feel anyway. And then Sada gave the picture of when the girl is saying draw me away and we will run together, it says together. God is not sadistically running ahead of you like a drill sergeant telling you to speed up and get it right. He’s in front of you, but running at your pace, and encouraging you the whole time, not condemning you for not getting it right. So it’s been a totally different way of looking at things for me. The first part of the beatitudes is blessed are the poor in spirit. Poor in spirit basically means you see your need for Jesus. You see that you are a horrible sinful dark person and you can not do this thing on your own. So before I got here I was like I can do this Christianity thing. I’m not that bad and I don’t really have a lot of sin. I can do this thing. Turns out there’s a little bit of pride in there too, which of course happens to be sin. When in actuality, I know that if I face my true darkness I'm going to feel like God doesn't like me so I just pretend like it's not there so God likes me. Haha enter God. Ever since I got here I feel like God has been revealing more and more of my darkness. The teachers all keep saying that the more light and truth that comes into you, the more your darkness is going to surface. So it’s a good thing but man oh man is it ugly! He had started before I left but nothing like this. God has shed light on so many areas of darkness inside me it’s ridiculous. The thing is it’s mostly in my thoughts and my speech so I didn’t perceive it as sin. I just thought that’s how everyone was. Nope, there is no question in my mind that it is sin and not only do I struggle with it, but I am consumed by it. I have seen that there is no way that I can pursue righteousness and holiness in my own strength. I am weak and in desperate need of a Savior. Enter Jesus! The Excellencies of Christ class has been amazing too because it points everything back to Jesus dying on the cross. I just love the way that God has orchestrated everything about fire in the night so nicely. Almost like He knew what He was doing or something! So this past month or so I’ve really been struggling with the dark but lovely concept. Now I see the darkness in my heart and everything in me wants to run and hide from God so that He doesn’t see who I really am. Funny thing is, He already knows and in my darkness He says He loves me and I’m lovely. Our Song of Solomon class this week was about the dark but lovely part. Sada explained the part where she calls herself the lily of the valley. Lilies are really tall but they have a very weak stem so basically she’s saying God I’m so weak! I’m so prone to wander and I’m so sinful. And God goes like a lily among thorns is my beloved. Here He’s basically saying, in the midst of your weakness, I see your weak love, it’s real, and I hear your weak cry to be mine wholeheartedly and I see you like a beautiful flower amidst the darkness and sinfulness of the rest of this world. He sees the desire to obey him even in our weakness! So as she’s explaining this, God goes Amy you are like a butterfly among a dead forest. So the first time Andrew took me out on the four wheeler we went through all this gross dead forest area and as we were driving around I was just struck with how ugly and dead everything looked. And then out of nowhere I saw this beautiful butterfly fly by and I was struck with how beautiful it was amidst the ugly forest. And I remember as I was watching it God goes, that’s how I see you Amy. How appropriate that He used a butterfly! Does He know me or what? So God has really been opening up my eyes in little ways to how He feels about me and to His true character. He’s not frustrated with me. He’s kind and good and most of all I need to see Him as patient! There have been a lot of people in my life who haven’t been. It’s been really good too because the other day one of my teachers said that God will never condemn you. So if you have a condemning thought, it didn’t come from Him. Before I left and since I have been here I have had this reoccurring thought. So I had to give up the people and things that I love the most to come here and I thought it was punishment. God told me that I had made them into idols and now he had to punish me by taking them away from me. So I have been here the whole time trying to ask for forgiveness for making these things into idols and putting them above God. So on Saturday night Corey’s set was amazing. If you can go back and listen to it, do. It was 9-11pm and 10-11 was the best. Anyway they were singing and I can’t even remember for sure how I got here but I think there was a part where they were singing about how God sees and God knows. For whatever reason I got stuck on the God knows. So as I’m sitting there singing, my thoughts wander to God you know. You know that from the beginning I have set it in my heart not to make these people and things idols and I’ve asked you to help me. From the beginning I’ve said none of it matters if I don’t have You first and foremost and if I don’t know how You feel about me. And again it was just like truth exploding in my heart. He goes I do know. I see your desire to put me first and I would never punish you for being weak. I am a good father and I like to give good gifts. You have dove’s eyes and you’ve never taken them off me no matter what gift I have given you. So this whole time I have been condemning myself for something that wasn’t even true! Stupid devil! So then on Monday I was skipping ahead in the Song of Solomon notes and at the very end of the dark but lovely section it talks about Peter. Peter is the one who denied Jesus 3 times even though he said there was no way he would. So the notes are talking about after Jesus is resurrected and He comes to Peter and he’s asking him Peter do you love me? He says it 3 times and finally Peter goes Jesus you know all things of course you know I love you! The next part was really interesting. Obviously Jesus didn’t need Peter to tell him he loved him. He knew Peter did but He wanted Peter to have confidence in his sincere love for Jesus. What he needed was for Peter to know that even in the midst of weakness and failure that Peter really did love Jesus. The notes do a better job than my paraphrasing so here they are. God was basically saying Peter you do love me. In the garden 8 days ago I told you that you had weak flesh and a willing spirit. You didn’t believe your flesh was weak. You need to understand that you do have a willing spirit. You do have a yes in your spirit toward me. I saw it in you before you stumbled. When I see you I don’t only see your weak flesh, I also see your sincere love for me. So as I was reading that the sentence “you didn’t believe your flesh was weak” really screamed out at me. That’s my problem and why I’ve thought I can do this on my own. I don’t believe that my flesh is weak. And then a thought occurred to me. I don’t know if it was revelation or just a thought, but I thought ok so I know that there’s a part in Song of Solomon where He asks her to give up everything she loves because He wants to see if she’ll still love Him when He removes the gifts and ministry He’s given her. But then it occurred to me. What if in the same way Peter needed to know that he still loved Jesus, God had me give up everything because I needed to know that those things were not idols and that I really will still love him now matter what. Anyway, just food for thought. Praise be to God that He is opening my eyes to the truth. And even though I’m dark, He’s beginning to open my eyes to the truth that to Him, I’m still lovely. He loves me in the midst of weakness. I don’t have to try to be good. I can’t do it. The only good in me comes from him and the Holy Spirit is the only one who can help me. Oh how relieving it is to know that I’m not alone. He’s not punishing me. He’ll never abandon me or forsake me. He's patient with me!!! Everything He is doing is out of love. Please pray for more revelation of the truth to illuminate my darkness =)

P.S. God told me to be as vulnerable as possible in these blogs which you know I hate so I hope I’m doing a good job at it.

Just one word can shatter a thousand lies

Wow where to begin! Can you believe it's been over a month already? 6 months really is going to go faster than I thought it would. This has been a crazy couple of weeks. We had the GBF (global bridegroom fast) again this month so on Monday and Tuesday I was in the prayer room from 8pm- 6am. I actually got there at 6 so I was in there for 12 straight hours both those days and it was so good. I feel like God really spoke to my heart during that time. We also had an inner healing 2 day seminar on Wednesday and Thursday from 3-10 and it was intense! The first day they focused on mother and father wounds. Each parent plays a different role in how we view God. We learn how to receive love from the mother and we learn who we are from our father. It was really interesting. The lady was talking about mother wounds and how it was the mother's job to nurture us and care for us. So I'm sitting there thinking well my mom never lacked in that so I must be good in that area. Then at the end her husband came up and said now if you’re like me you’re sitting there thinking that you don’t have any mother wounds. Then he proceeds to tell us that God revealed to him that his wound came when he was a baby. He got sick and was taken away from his mother when he was just days old. He said that God revealed to him that it was that day that he learned he could not trust and closed off his heart and was no longer able to receive love. The whole time he’s telling the story tears are just streaming down my face and God goes “that’s what happened to you Amy.” When I was first born I got sick and had to be taken away too. So basically God showed me that I have been incapable of receiving love for 27 years. I knew I had walls up but holy crap! So anyway then they had ministry time and basically you invite God into to all your pain and you cry and then God comes and ministers to your heart. Different people came on the microphone and were just saying different pictures that they felt like they got while they were praying. So someone comes up and says she saw a picture of a vast ocean and there’s this little island with 1 tree and a little girl with a box on it. The little girl is very lonely and I saw her opening the box and inside are a bunch of masks. You are putting on all the different masks but none of them seem to fit. So by this point I’m crying again. (Crying during this is actually a good thing and it wi ll be a common theme during this 6 months so don’t worry) My core leader Wendy comes up and starts praying for me and as soon as she started talking I just lost it. She said God says it’s time to take the masks off. He says you are fearfully and wonderfully made and He loves who He created you to be. He said the thing I beat myself up for the most is the thing that He loves most about me. He loves when I come and just “be” with Him. He said there is a rest in the being. He said I have a mother’s heart and nature and as I rest in who He says I am and just “be” that others find their rest and that’s why people are and will be more drawn to me because they feel like that can just be when they are around me. They don’t feel like they have to be anything than who God made them. She repeated like 5 or 6 times He says just be. Just be. I jokingly asked her if she had been reading my blog but of course she hadn’t. I was weeping the whole time and my legs were shaking like they tend to do when God is doing a work in my heart. So that was just the beginning session and then we did father wounds. It brought up some really interesting information that makes so much sense. The guy said that during the world wars each soldier was given a buddy and they basically watched each other’s backs to keep from dying. So obviously since they were in a life or death situation, they bared their souls and were open and vulnerable and best buds with this other person. Then one of them died and the leader of the army or whatever just threw them together with a new “best buddy.” Well of course he wasn’t going to open up and be transparent with this new guy. Look what happened to the one he bared his soul to. It was too hard and men saw things we were never meant to see so those men closed off their hearts. Then when they came home from war they married like crazy and entered their marriages with hearts closed off to their wives. Then all these closed-hearted men had babies and it was the “baby boom.” Well that was our parents’ generation. So the majority of our parents grew up with a father who was closed off and couldn’t show love and affection toward their wife and children. You can only love as well as you’ve been loved and so obviously our parents loved as well as they could but they came from weak and broken parents too. It’s a vicious cycle. So basically it’s the father’s job to call out our identity, and in their brokenness, they often speak other things over us that are opposite to what God says. And since we are so desperate for daddy’s approval, we take whatever they say and that becomes part of our identity. So that ministry time was good but not very impactful. There was only 1 thing which God revealed and dealt with. I never doubted that my dad loved and adored me. The guy=2 0said that father wounds are more like peeling an onion. You peel a layer and then you cry and then you peel another one and cry and so on. He said that one is more over time and God will begin to speak our true identity over us. He said we tend to view God as we view our earthly father so we have a lot of wrong understandings of who God is because our earthly father is not perfect like our heavenly one. Then at the end of the night they did a time of confession. They talked about how powerful confessing our sin to another person is. They challenged us too. They said we want you to confess that secret sin that you’ve never told anybody or the one that you have confessed before but still feel so much shame over. It was good. We confessed and then received forgiveness and washed our hands and head in water and then they anointed us with oil signifying that we had been washed clean and we were pure. There was such freedom! That night in the prayer room worship took on a whole new meaning. The last song we sang was “it is well with my soul” and we sang it with gusto. Pam I thought of you when I was singing because during one session you prayed something about saying it is well with my soul and meaning it and as I sang it, I meant it and believed it =) Then the next day, Thursday, was true femininity and true masculinity. That may have been the hardest day. They basically talked about our beauty and how it gets distorted and perverted b y man’s sinful nature. The talked about how guys pick up on a woman’s need to hear I love you and you are beautiful and use it to manipulate them to get their needs met. So the ministry time was amazing. First they had all the guys go to the back of the room and get in small groups and confess all the ways that they had disrespected women and when they were done they had to look to the front of the room where the girls were so they could see what effect their disrespect had on us as females. It was so powerful as some girls had been so mistreated they were literally on the floor in the fetal position crying as God dealt with all their pain. Afterward the guys all said they will never look at women the same again. So basically different guys came to the mic and just stood in place of different men in our lives and repented on behalf of how it made us feel. Some stood in place of dads, brothers, uncles, friends, boyfriends, co-workers etc. It was really good and I shook uncontrollably again. I guess that’s just the way God likes to deal with me. I’m learning to just give in to it. Anyway, the best part was at the very end they had us cross our hands over our chest symbolizing all the walls we had put up and all the barriers we have to keep people from hurting our hearts. Then we had to lower them and it symbolized us removing all the walls and laying them at the foot of the cross. It was probably the most painful part of the20whole thing and I shook even more but when it was over I just started to breathe in and out real slow and deep and this overwhelming sense of peace just covered me. Then the afternoon was true masculinity. It was really good in terms of marriage. I feel like God is giving me all this wisdom on how to be a Godly wife and mother and really love my family the way He desires me too. A lot of the talks were based on marriage because broken people can not be in a healthy relationship and they are trying to save us the heartache they all went through. God is so kind to deal with all this now and break the cycle starting with me. He loves me so much!! The guy talked about the verse where it says that a man will leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife. He made a point that it says men and not women because women naturally have that ability of self-sacrifice which is why it is easy for us to submit to our husbands and care for our children. Whereas guys are generally more selfish and out to get their own needs met and therefore when a man enters a marriage he is saying he will die to himself and lay down his life for his wife and children. It was really interesting too because just the other day the director of our internship was asked a question about celibacy vs. marriage and he basically said it’s all in the way a guy is wired. He said for him he could have gone and lived up in the mountains with his Bible and nothing else but God wired him in the way that he becomes more Christ-like by being married because he has to humble himself every time he has to ask his wife to forgive him. God knew he was better with his wife than without her. It was a really interesting way to look at it all. He also brought up the issue of submission. He said as women we cannot submit to our husbands unless we believe and they have shown us that we can trust them. He said men don’t expect your wives to submit to your authority if they do not feel loved and beautiful and safe and accepted by you. The teaching was basically that the majority of men don’t know how to be men or even if they’ve become men because nobody teaches them and initiates them into manhood. Or there’s a false initiation where he feels like he is a man which typically is sexual in nature. He said almost every other culture has some sort of initiation into manhood but we do not. There’s so many boys who grow up without fathers. Whether they are physically not there or they are physically there but emotionally absent. So either men turn to their mothers who can’t really teach them how to be a man and an unhealthy bond forms or they turn to their friends who don’t really know either and just teach them to objectify and manipulate women because that’s all they’ve been taught. Again, it’s a vicious cycle. He said that men were wired to build and make things and God plac ed in them a heart to defend injustice. The biggest issue is that for the most part men are passive and are not the spiritual leaders God calls them to be. There was a lot more and I can go into it later if you want but I didn’t really pay that much attention to the guy part. So their ministry time was good. They basically called them out into their destiny to be Godly fathers and husbands. They called them to walk in strength and authority and lead the women in their lives and defend injustice. Then at the end they took these huge swords and initiated them into manhood and knighted each one to be the mighty warrior that God called him to be. So overall it was really good but I am physically, spiritually, and emotionally drained! On top of that, 3 weeks ago Ashley Prior, (who is my favorite worship leader and is on the nightwatch!) was doing a set on psalm 23 and it’s all about how God is a good shepherd and how His leadership over our life is perfect. So I’m not super happy with the way He’s leading one particular part of my life right now so I’m sitting there with my heart closed and my arms crossed telling God that actually I don’t agree that His leadership is perfect. (It’s ok God likes when you come to him real. He already knows you’re thinking it anyway so you might as well tell Him too) The Lord is so kind! As the set went on, my thought process went to my first boyfriend and what my heart went throug h. (don’t worry all is forgiven and we have worked through things and we are in a really good place now) But at the time I remembered how broken hearted I was and I go well actually I’m kinda happy I didn’t have any boyfriends before him because the only way I know to love is with my whole heart. Which is good for the receiver, but hurts like heck when your whole heart gets broken. So as I’m thinking this, God goes “that was me guarding and protecting your heart. I created you and I know your frame and I know the way you love because you were created to love whole-heartedly. I allowed that relationship because ultimately I knew your broken heart would turn you back to me.” It was like all of a sudden truth just flooded into my heart. All those years I had perceived my lack of a boyfriend as rejection and God said no actually that was me protecting and guarding your heart. All of a sudden I am no longer rejected, but guarded and protected! It really is true that just 1 truth can shatter a thousand lies. He has just continued to speak through the last 2 weeks of Ashley’s set and this week during the fast was really awesome! I may have cried the entire 2 hours. I’m coming into agreement that His leadership is perfect and His banner over me is love, which I have come to understand means that everything He’s done and is doing and will do, is out of love and mercy. He really is a good father! I know this one=2 0was really long but I felt like there was so much knowledge to be gained through all the stuff I learned this week and wanted to share it with you. It took me like 2 hours to type it so I hope you read the whole thing!