Let it Rain...Open the Floodgates of Heaven

So it has been an interesting couple of weeks. We have been praying for an outpouring of the Holy Spirit and God has answered our prayers. The Holy Spirit has totally been poured out over IHOP. It started about 2 weeks ago, the first year students at the Bible school were giving testimonies of their walk with God and one of the girls got up and talked about an encounter she had where God totally set her free from an eating disorder and all of the after effects on parts of her body, like her stomach and kidneys were damaged. So anyway the students continued to give their testimonies throughout the week and this past Wednesday they were doing testimonies and for whatever reason the Holy Spirit just fell in that place and all of a sudden all of the students quit their classes and went into the main room and started worshiping and it just went crazy from there. All day long people were instantly being delivered from self-hatred and eating disorders and depression and there were even some physical healing. So I didn’t know any of this was happening. It was my Sabbath and I had actually decided to go shopping because I still needed some long sleeve shirts as it is continuing to get colder up here. So one of my roommates and I were shopping and she got a text that the Spirit had fallen at the fsm building where the students were and had been going on since 9 that morning and we needed to get there if we could. It was like 6:30 pm and since it was the Sabbath I was going to hang out with my friend Ginnette so I was like I dunno what’s going on but I’m sure it’s not that interesting. So I went to Ginnette’s and I was telling her about my day and shopping and then about the text that the spirit had fallen at fsm and she was like we’re going. I was like yeah I don’t really want to go. I was actually really scared. I talk about how I want this huge encounter with God but I’m actually really terrified of it actually happening. Anyway, we waited for her husband to get home and then we went and the place was packed out! I have never seen anything like it in my life. The Bible says in the last days God is going to pour out His spirit and people are going to prophecy and people would get healed and it is happening. We have had prayer meetings every night since Wednesday and people are getting healed left and right. There have been people physically healed from all kinds of things. People have gotten up and given testimonies about how they were healed and there have been various people who were healed of asthma, one girl prayed for her eyes and now doesn’t need her glasses, there were 4 or 5 who had like 20% hearing loss in their ear and now they can hear perfectly, one person had a leg that was shorter than the other and it literally grew out like 2 or 3 inches and now they’re the same, there have been healings of body aches and backs coming into alignment, and on and on. More than anything though there have been inner healings all over the place. People are getting set free from depression and self-hatred and anger and all kinds of addictions like in an instant. All if takes is the love of God. I’m so excited to see it because I just knew it was possible. I just knew that all it took was a minute and God could set you free! It’s such a faith builder. It is so cool to listen to everyone’s stories of how God is setting them free from stuff and just speaking to their hearts and revealing His love. Now all that being said, I have felt nothing. Go figure! The girl who’s desperate for the presence of God still can’t feel it when He pours it out. But it’s ok. I’m really enjoying watching others get deliverance and I’m really enjoying praying for people. I’m also getting prayed for when I hear something I want prayer for. I don’t know what God is doing but I trust His leadership over my life and that His banner over me is still love. I do have a heightened sense of expectation though.
So super vulnerable moment and I can’t actually believe this is going to be posted but here goes. So I’ve been going hard after God for about 4 or 5 years and I don’t think I have felt the presence of God this whole time. (I may have but I can’t imagine that I would feel it and not know it.) Anyway some of you already know this but the one thing I have been praying for as long as I can remember is a hug from God. Everyone always talks about feeling God’s embrace. There’s this part in Song of Solomon where God removes His presence from the girl and then she goes out and searches everywhere for Him. Then finally she finds Him and it says she holds Him and doesn’t let Him go. There’s a song I heard once at the Katy Prayer Room and the lyrics said something like hold me and don’t let go until I believe you love me. And that’s what I want. I want to feel the tangible arms of God and I want Him to hold me until I believe He loves me. Now I have told several people this and I was met with a lot of different responses, all well meaning of course but basically people tried to tell me not to get my hopes up. However I have never given up hope. I am convinced that God is going to encounter me during this last 1 ½ months. Now that the spirit fell and people are getting touched and healed and encountered I have so much faith that it’s coming. When I first got here the first time I was prayed for and the girl said she saw me on my knees worshiping before Jesus she also told me that God said and that thing that you’ve been so diligently praying for, it’s coming. I’ve also had a bunch of people praying over me recently and there’s a common theme about the winter being over and the drought ending and the river of refreshing coming and that this is my spring season so I’m just waiting and praying that it happens soon. I thought I was ridiculously hungry for God when I got here but since being here I have just gotten increased hunger and longing and I’m to the point of God if You don’t show up soon I’m going to die. And they say that’s a good place to be because that’s the place where he might actually show up. So anyway if you only pray one thing for me let that be it. That I would get a hug from God where I feel His tangible arms around me and he would not let go until I believe He loves me. I actually had been praying that it would happen on my birthday since I won’t be with my friends and family and that would just be the most amazing birthday present ever! Total side note: My birthday is coming up on the 24th (just in case you forgot ;-P) and one of my roommates is going to make me a strawberry cake and then all the track 2 girls are going to pray over me so I’m excited. Anyway, I have no idea how long this little revival thing is going to last. I have a feeling it will lift and it won’t be like this forever. We also have a 21 day fast that was scheduled for December. And get this, it ends the last day of the track. Now that is no coincidence. So I just have a heightened expectation of God moving and really encountering me and setting me free from whatever junk is still there so that I can finally receive and believe His love for me and then pour it out onto my friends and family.
2 weeks ago at Hope City they had an altar call for people who were desperate for the Lord and I was standing up there and a lady came over and asked me how she could pray for me. I told her and she said oh that explains the picture I got when I walked up to you. She said she saw a dry desert and it was just the ground, no sand or anything, and there were like cracks and holes all across the ground and no water anywhere in sight. She said she saw me crawling across the ground and I was desperate and thirsty and basically looked like I was going to die if I didn’t get water soon. Then I was like yeah that pretty much sums up how I feel right now. So she prayed for me and then towards the end she asked me if I had a hard time hearing the voice of God or distinguishing His voice from other voices. I said as a matter of fact I do and she said she saw a swirl around my head and just lots of confusion and there was a reason that I was having a hard time. Then she prayed for me some more and I told her I was frustrated because I feel like I’ve been prayed for so much and go up for like every altar call and then Corey Russell prayed for me and I thought that was finally it and I was just tired of not being free. She said she had actually been there herself and she said it’s easy to give into shame but to push through and keep going up for altar calls. She also said she felt like God was going to use me in some form of deliverance ministry and since I have been there I will be able to be compassionate and understanding of the people who I will helping. So that was pretty cool. The first time I came to the prophecy room up here they prophesied Isaiah 61 over me and said that God wanted to set me free first and then He was going to use me to set others free. So that was some sort of confirmation I guess? Anyway last weekend I was sitting at the table eating my breakfast and I was talking to my roommate and she asked me about the lady praying for me because she was curious what she prayed since I was crying so much and I told her all of that and then she started crying and was like you have no idea how good this is for me to hear this right now. I have always heard all of these tormenting voices and I have felt crazy but I have never told anyone because I didn’t think anyone else would understand. So we talked for a while and I asked her if she ever went up for prayer and she said no and I was like you need to go up if you feel like it’s for you because I just feel like there’s an altar call for you I really do. Then after I said it I was like why did I say that? Then I said and I’ll try to help you as much as I can but I don’t know how much help I’ll be. I don’t think mine’s as bad as yours but I’m kinda in the same struggle as you. So anyway the next night we were at EGS service and during worship the prayer leader got on the mic and started saying all this stuff and basically describing her situation and the whole time I was just looking right at my roommate. Then he asked if you wanted prayer for that to raise your hand and she just stood there! So I was like uh-uh. I went up to her and raised her hand for her and she laughed at me and I started praying for her. It was ridiculous! I started to pray for her and the things that came out of my mouth totally surprised me. There is no way that was me. When I was praying I felt really powerful and like there was authority on my words. My roommate was crying and coughing and basically getting set free and God used me to do it! She told me after that she couldn’t even begin to tell me how amazing my prayer for her was. That night she said she only heard the thoughts like 4 times instead of constantly. I was so excited that God used me! And I love that there’s no way I can boast and say that I did it because there’s no way that any of that came from me. I think it’s really funny too because I had told her I didn’t know how I could help and God showed me that He can use me now even in my weak broken state where I don’t know what I’m doing when I pray for people. He’s doing all the work, I just have to be a willing vessel so He can use me. Pray for more! Again I am just so amazed that I am here right now. We talked to our leader Clay last night about everything that is going on and how often it had happened before and he said it has never been like this before. I hear the webstream is free during the egs services too which is Friday and Saturday night at 6pm. Just go to ihop.org and click on live webstream. It may have only been this week though but definitely check it out if you can.

Growing in Love and Humility

Disclaimer: As I have gone back and read over my blogs a thought occurred to me. The Amy that likes to compare myself to people would read this and think wow God must really love her. I guess He doesn’t love me as much because He’s not doing that for me. So it occurred to me that some of you may be feeling that way. So I wanted to just make it clear. I am in no way trying to rub it in your face. This is the first time since I started going back to church where I actually feel like I’m in a place of being able to hear and receive from God. Some of the things that are happening to me are really amazing but it’s not like they happen every day. In fact for like 4 years I didn’t feel like I heard from God hardly at all except for the few times I have written about on here. I feel like I’m in a very specific season where God is doing some specific things and it will not always be like this- although I hope it is! So in the same way that I am not suppose to covet someone else’s journey with the Lord, please do not covet or be jealous over mine. My main point in writing these is because so many people asked me if I would do updates and the only reason I am being so vulnerable is because God told me the more vulnerable I am the more you guys reading were going to get out of it. My hope is that in reading my journey it will awaken something inside of you that there is more. Some of you don’t believe in God or believe in a “god” but you don’t know Jesus and therefore I hope what is happening to me starts to pique your curiosity because I can’t make this stuff up. And even if I could, I wouldn’t. Why would I? What would be the point? Some of you have been saved your whole life and know you’re going to heaven when you die. That’s great but my hope for you is that you see there’s so much more. Jesus is a real man. His Word is living and active and He died the most excruciating death anyone could imagine because He loves us and wants a relationship with us. Christianity is not just a list of dos and don’ts and figuring out how to make ourselves happy. Christianity is about a relationship with a real man who when we hated Him (and a lot still do) He took on every one of our sins and pains past, present, and future and died for us and He did it for love. He doesn’t want you to wait until you die for you to experience Him, you can experience Him now. And don’t you dare say you’re too old and it’s too late! If you are still on this earth it’s because God isn’t finished with you yet. So yeah don’t look at my journey and get discouraged, but look at my journey and get excited and ask God to take you on one of your own. I promise He wants to. All I’ve ever done is ask Him to let me love Him more and to create a hunger and a longing inside of me. And the only reason I even want to love God is because my sister prayed for me a lot. All you have to do is ask =) Ok do with that little tidbit what you want. I just felt like God wanted me to add a little disclaimer this time.
So apartment living is interesting. We definitely had some issues at the beginning. We had an apartment meeting and nobody wanted to confront one of the girls about all the stuff. So I spoke up and basically said what everyone else was thinking. So we went back and forth and I told her what I thought and what I did not like. And then at the end I was very vulnerable with all my roommates and I said and by the way God is showing me that I think I’m perfect and I don’t think I ever do anything wrong, which is so not the truth, so if I do something that bugs you or upsets you please let me know. The whole idea of confrontation scares me and for me to actually speak up was terrifying but in the end it was all good. I apologized for things that I said behind her back and anything that I said to her face that offended her and there were no harsh words and she didn’t hate me in the end. She didn’t tell me that she was done with me and no longer wanted to be my friend which is what I typically expect to come from confrontation which is why I don’t like to do it. And then my new core leader Amber asked me to eat dinner with her one night and before we started talking and getting to know each other the first thing she said was how impressed she was with how I dealt with the situation and how she loved how vulnerable and open and honest I was. So far it appears I still have my voice and can speak my opinion so let’s pray that continues. I feel like God is teaching me how to have healthy confrontation. The last week or so I have really been having issues with my roommates, and I was really angry at myself because I thought I had been doing so well. I had been crying out to God and asking Him what this was and why was I having such a hard time? It was so ugly! Then the other night in my Life of David class, the teacher CJ was talking about pride in our hearts. He said in God’s loving kindness He will give you sandpaper people (people that rub you the wrong way) and allow the pride to come to the surface so that you can see that it’s there and then ask Him to help you with it. It was such perfect timing. I love how God does that. It was one of those aha moments where it just makes sense. I had been saying that I felt like track 1 God had me in a protective bubble and my roommate situation was basically utopia and there was no huge conflict. However, this time around it feels like the protective bubble has been lifted. So in actuality it’s not a bad thing, but it’s God’s mercy and loving-kindness in keeping me humble and showing me there’s still a lot of pride there. So basically I just need to start praying for my roommates and asking God to show me what He sees and what He likes because the truth is there is nothing wrong with any of them. In the same way that He says I am perfect just the way I am, He says they are perfect just the way they are. If I have issues with them it’s because there’s something in me that needs to be worked on. It was really humbling one night because one of the girls is really loud and I had been talking to God about how annoying her loudness was and how it annoyed me and then that same night she came home all excited and was like God was so kind to me all night tonight. He spent the whole night just telling me how much he loves me and He went on and on about how He loves how loud I am! Haha so that was like ouch knife through the heart. So my prayer now is God give me eyes to see these girls the way you see them and a heart to love them as you love them. We’ll see what happens!
The fun part about this apartment though is one of the girls came up with the idea of secret sister which is basically like secret Santa. We drew names and for the rest of the track we are purposely looking for ways to serve and love on that person. At first I thought the idea was pretty ridiculous but I went along with it since everyone else was. I am actually really enjoying it. One of the things that I’ve been asking God for during this time is to teach me how to listen to the Holy Spirit. When I get married and have children I want to ask God what is one way that I can meet their needs today and then serve them and meet that need without having to ask them what they need. So I’ve been using this secret sister thing as a way to practice. So every day I ask God please show me one way that I can meet her needs today. I haven’t gotten something every day but there have been several times where I feel like God has shown me different things and I’m looking forward to more practice.
So my Pop-Pop did pass away and luckily I was able to go home for the memorial service. I was only home for 2 days though so I didn’t really tell anyone that I was home because obviously it wasn’t a social trip. God is so good. I felt such a peace about him passing and the memorial service was really nice. My sister and cousins walked away from it and at the reception we were all like so do you feel like you didn’t really know Pop-Pop? When they were talking about his life we felt like we learned so much about him that we never knew before. He was a very quiet man and didn’t really share a lot of his life with us. Anyway, it was just a sweet time with family and it was just enough time to help me with my home sickness. I also got to see my great aunt Fern, Pop-Pop’s sister who I hadn’t seen since my grandma passed away like 7 years ago. She’s a little firecracker. I like her a lot and she looked really good for how old she was. While she was in Houston she actually became a great-grandmother. So it was cool to see her and spend some time with her. I also got some good hang out time and I got my hair cut which was long overdo. So all in all it was a nice time at home. I feel like it was just enough to tide me over. I feel like I can make the last 2 months now. This track is going even faster than the first one. I’ll be home before you know it!

Track 2 (I couldn't think of a clever title)

So I get here for move in and find out that all of my roommates got the same apartment- all except for me. It turns out there were so many new track 1 girls that they had to do some switching around of apartments and the other track 2 apartment is in the track 1 building. So not only did I not get any of my roommates, but I got the same apartment I had for track 1. So I could have left all of my stuff here the whole time! Oh well. So needless to say it was an interesting first week. I have all new roommates and of course because God is teaching me love and humility I got the one girl that I specifically did not want because she annoyed me. You would think by now I would have learned right? It has been an adjustment for sure. I like to think I’m pretty easy going and laid back and my old roommates were basically the same. Not the case with this group. Ah community living. I had a pretty ugly attitude the first 2 days, but I’m doing a lot better now. It would have been easier to keep my old roommates but I guess easy doesn’t go along with growing in love and humility. Go figure! It’s definitely going to be harder this time around.
I have new service assignments this track. Sadly, I no longer drive the shuttle. We do this thing called Hope City on Mondays. We go to the inner city and there is this building called the Kansas City prayer dome and people that live in the inner city come together and have a prayer meeting for the Holy Spirit to fall in Kansas City and then we feed them. It’s run by Mike Bickle’s sister who had a rough past and did jail time and has a heart for the poor and broken. She’s pretty hard core! Anyway I loved hearing the inner city people pray. It was raw and unpolished and a few times I cried because the heart behind the prayer was so beautiful. We’ll go every week and participate in the prayer meeting an d then every other week my service assignment is childcare. Then on Tuesdays I do this thing called the Samuel Company and it’s basically a teaching and then we take the kids into the prayer room and then come back and discuss what happened. It’s actually very similar to Next Generation. I’ll only do that for 3 weeks though because it ends in November. Then I will work at the CEC (children’s equipping center) room on the weekends. It’s basically like Sunday school during the EGS services. You do it once a week and you either work Friday, Saturday, or Sunday. So I’m really excited for that.
As for how God is working. Corey Russell taught last Friday for EGS. He’s a very powerful and anointed speaker and I actually hadn’t seen him at all the first 3 months I was here. Anyway, I thought it was really interesting because my friend Landon had a dream one time and it had me and Corey Russell in it. So I was listening to the message and it was mainly over John 17 and about the knowledge of God and loving God. Basically it was an awesome message. So it came time for ministry time and I was like ok God. I’m not sure if his dream had anything to do with this but I am taking a risk and stepping out and I am expecting you to move in a powerful way. So I went up for ministry time and again my legs started shaking. So whenever this happens I know God is getting ready to do something scary. It’s always good after but in the moment I am terrified beyond words. So the next thing I know Corey’s on the mic and he goes I feel like this is a time of deliverance for some people in this room. He said that God wanted to break the lies about who we thought he was and break in with revelation of his true character. So by this time of course I’m crying and shaking. Well then Corey starts walking around the floor and starts praying for people and he prayed for me! As soon as he put his hand on me my entire body starting shaking uncontrollably. Now God has shaken me before but this was crazy. I don’t even want to imagine what I looked like. Then 2 more guys came and joined him so all three of them were praying for me and when they came I let out a scream. I couldn’t even try to stop it, it just came. But then when it was done and I stopped shaking I breathed in and out real slow and an overwhelming sense of peace came over me. Then I opened my eyes and I was facing an entirely different direction. I don’t understand why God does it that way. Then later that night when we were waiting for class to start I was telling some of the girls what happened and they were like, that was you? A lot of them said when they saw Corey start to walk around and pray for people they sat down because they were sca red of what might happen if he prayed for them. I had my eyes closed so I didn’t even know it was him until after and they told me what they saw. I walked away with a heart of gratitude. I was like God I don’t understand why you do it this way and I actually really hate it in the moment but thank you that you love me enough to have Corey Russell pray for me. I feel like I’m to the point of I don’t care what it takes, do whatever you need to do God! At the end I felt like I was finally in a place where I can start receiving what God has for me. And it’s been true. Almost every night this week in the prayer room during the worship with the word set something that was sung totally spoke to my heart and I cried for a good portion of the 2 hour set. Pray for more!
On a sweet note, at the very beginning of track 1, during the intercession sets we pray for people who need healing in their bodies and there was an older man who stood up and nobody went to him so I went to him and prayed for his Alzheimers. That was the first time I prayed for healing too because normally there’s a lot of other people around that will do it. Anyway after that for the rest of the track he always sat by me. At first I thought it was just my imagination but then all my roommates notice d and asked me about it and I never knew why. I thought maybe he got healed when I prayed. He even asked one of roommates what my name was in the hallway one time. So tonight he was sitting behind me and just randomly during one of the sets he tapped on my shoulder and asked me if I could pray for him. So I did and then he told me that he was so blessed by me the first time I prayed for him and he just liked being in my presence and anytime I wanted to pray for him I was more than welcome. So that made me feel good.
On a sad note, Pop-Pop (my grandfather) got hospitalized this past week and it turns out he has a very aggressive stage 4 cancer basically all over his body. They thought he was going to make it a few months but I talked to my mom yesterday and they’re not even sure he’s going to make it through the weekend. This was so sudden and totally came out of nowhere. So anyway it looks like he’s going to pass away soon and I’m going to be going home for the funeral. I don’t know when because the doctors don’t know yet. So anyway if you could keep me and my family in your prayers for that it would be awesome. It’s my mom’s dad so she’s going to have the hardest time with it. Just pray for peace for the family and no pain for Pop-Pop. Si nce it is so sudden I feel like it’s more difficult for us but I feel like the suddenness is God’s mercy and loving-kindness for Pop-Pop. He’s doing it quickly instead of allowing him to suffer for months or years. God is always good and always in control no matter what the circumstance.

3 Months Down...3 To Go

So I am officially done with track 1. This may have been the fastest 3 months of my life! It’s been such an emotional roller coaster. This last month has been really painful. God is definitely teaching me to take up my cross and follow Him. I am learning to deny myself and die to my old sinful worldly self and I have to tell you that it is not a fun process. When God said that He was going to woo me and romance me this was not exactly what I had in mind. I’m super grateful though because I know that in order to truly live, first I must die. Gotta love the inside outside upside down kingdom where everything He asks you to do is completely opposite of how the world tells you to live. This past month has been continued revelation of my darkness. The more I read the Bible I see how sinful and ugly humanity is. The problem that’s going to increase the closer we get to Jesus coming back is that a humanistic religion is going to start and basically it’s where you think that at the core all people are good and if we just try to be good and are nice to people and try not to do sinful things then we will be good. Humanity’s biggest issue is that as humans we think we can do it ourselves. And as it turns out that’s all that pride is. The idea that we can do it on our own without any help. Turns out I’m super prideful. I’m really starting to get an understanding of pride and of true humility. I’m still working on it though. The more I have studied the Bible and really read about the one world religion that is coming I have realized how easy I could fall into that because at my core I believe that I am good. Like Peter, I don’t believe that my flesh is weak. So this past month has been God’s loving kindness in showing me who and what I really am. LIKE THE REST, I am a creature of God’s wrath! I am no exception to the rule. At my core I am dark and ugly and sinful and capable of unthinkable crimes. There is no good in me. God is so good! He is so gentle and His timing is perfect in how He’s showing me all this. Because at the same time He’s mercifully bringing up my darkness, He’s reminding me that He sees lovely because He sees me through the finished work of the cross and He sees me through the righteousness and blood of Jesus. I always understood that Jesus died on the cross for our sins but like I said before I felt like there was more and I didn’t really understand what all that meant. God has been so good to bring me more and more revelation of the cross and it has birthed in me such a heart of gratitude and thankfulness. He died for me when I hated Him. He took on every one of my sins and shame and grief. He who was perfect and was without sin became sin for me. When I hated Him! I don’t even think I’ve fully grasped it yet but I get a little more every day. It is a miracle that I chose Him. Like the rest, I hated Him and He has set His love on me and the only reason I love Him is because He first loved me. BUT Jesus! Oh the beauty of this man! I was eternally dammed to hell and I was separated from God forever but because of His one act of love on the cross, I can now have a relationship with God. It blows my mind!
So this month IHOP celebrated 10 years of continuous 24/7 worship and prayer. Mike Bickle who is the leader of IHOP spent 8 sessions going over the prophetic history of IHOP. Basically what that means is he went back through his life and told stories of ways that God spoke to him whether through dreams or through other people (prophecy) and his journey to how IHOP came to be. It was so fascinating! Then the last day he talked about where they are going to go from here and there are some pretty cool things they talked about. So it’s just been a really cool time to be here and experience this event. I love how as all the people who have been here since the beginning were recounting memories of the past 10 years they talked about the beginning and how it all started. They started in a trailer and had like 2 or 3 people in the room besides the worship team and most of the time someone from the team would have to leave the stage and go back to the sound board. And they all said the room smelled awful. But as they’re telling all of these funny stories, they all said that those were some of their favorite times. It made me think about the Katy prayer room and how we had and still have the same issues and it made me really excited that I get to experience the “trailer days” in Katy. I also love how as he’s been talking about IHOP he’s made a point to say but it’s not just IHOP. It’s a prayer movement and that means wherever the spirit of God is, these promises are for them too. I’ve been emailing back and forth with people and they are feeling the same thing in Katy that we’re feeling here. I love that God has leadership in Katy that has ears to hear what the spirit is saying! I’ve been really thankful that God has me here during this specific time. I prayed about coming back in December and I didn’t feel like I was supposed to and I just keep thinking what if I hadn’t trusted what I was feeling and came then? Don’t get me wrong it probably still would have been good but I would have missed out on so much. In track 2 I get to work with the Samuel Company which is a new children’s ministry and back in December it wouldn’t have started yet. So I would have missed what I’m thinking is a pretty big reason of why I am here. Also Mike is getting ready for the next couple of months to do a series on signs of the times every Friday and Saturday which is not what he normally does and I’m going to be here for all of it. He’s going to go through the Bible and discuss how current events apply to what the Bible says about the generation we are living in. I just feel that this is a very significant time and I am in awe of the fact that God has me here to experience it right now. I am so convinced that I hear from God. God speaks to me (maybe not always how I want) but He speaks and I hear Him. I know His voice! I don’t have to rely on other people to tell me what they think God is saying to me. I can trust what I hear and what I feel. Praise the Lamb!
So I am between tracks right now. I have 2 days where I get to relax and get ready for track 2. I’m nervous and excited all at the same time. The next track 1 is going to be huge. This time around all of fire in the night was about 50 people with 10 of those being track 2. This next time we as track 2 will have about 20 that are staying and then track 1 is going to have somewhere between 60-65! We’re going to have almost twice as many people. It’s a little overwhelming to think about. I just spent 3 months getting used to the people that were here and now a whole bunch of new people are coming in. It’s been a real lesson in loving people and keeping your heart open knowing that people are going to leave. There was one girl in the apartment next to me named Tiffany that I just adored. She was so precious and sweet and I really feel like it was a divine appointment that I got to meet her. She left a week early and it was so hard! This track wasn’t so hard to say goodbye except for her because all but 1 of my roommates are staying but if we are roommates again next track, the end is going to be really hard because we have really bonded and become like sisters and then it will be 6 months not just 3. It’s good though. In the past I have gotten really attached to people and I believe God is teaching me how to hold people loosely. It’s a total gift from God that Ginnette and I are here at the same time but the reality is that in December when I go back to Katy, she stays here. And then only God knows what will happen when I get back to Katy. I’ve been really homesick and I miss you guys a lot! The stupid devil has been telling me lies that nobody misses me and that everyone has moved on and forgotten about me. But then in the midst of it, I’ll get a text or email or message on facebook or phone call from someone and it helps a lot. I know this is where I am supposed to be right now but it doesn’t make it any easier. So just know that you are loved and missed and in my prayers. My core leader Wendy has been amazing though and really helped me with the whole keeping your heart open and being vulnerable thing. She told me the other day that she has seen so much growth in me in that area. When I first got here I was very honest with her about why I had come and how I was feeling towards God that He was not doing things my way and in my timing. She said I was very hard and defensive and closed off at the beginning. (ouchie but true nonetheless) But she said now my heart is so open and I have let people in and let them love me and I have risked loving others and being vulnerable. She told me it’s beautiful =)

Prayer points:

Grace, strength, patience, and endurance for track 2. It is much harder and I have like no free time except for my Sabbath.
Greater revelation of my darkness and the cross
Greater revelation of my loveliness and God’s emotions and affections toward me
Help to set my gaze and focus my mind on Jesus and no other distractions
Grace to take up my cross and die to myself and do what God is daily asking of me
Greater understanding of true humility versus pride
Vision for a children’s equipping center in Katy
My mom, dad, and Jen- I love hearing how God is working in each of them!
***That I truly would be fully satisfied in God and God alone no matter the circumstances***

I Am An Intercessor

This time is going by so fast! I only have 1 more month left of track 1 and then it’s track 2 so only 4 months left. I thought 6 months was going to drag on but it’s flying by! All of my roommates are staying for track 2 so we’re hoping to be put in the same apartment together. They said they don’t take requests but they’ll keep it in the back of their mind. So we’ll see what happens. I paid all of my money and I looked at my bank account after and let’s just say God is giving me a lesson in learning to trust Him with my money, among other things. It’s so strange to only be withdrawing and not depositing anything. So it just keeps going down and getting smaller and smaller but it’s all good. God is good and I trust Him to provide when I come home, whatever that looks like. Anyway, this past couple of weeks has been good but sobering. IHOP is coming up on their 10 year anniversary so it’s a really cool time to be here but they’re kind of looking at the last 10 years and where they are and where they see themselves going in the next few years and there have been a couple of awesome messages the past=2 02 Sundays during FCF. (That’s basically their church service on Sundays). It’s been really cool to hear what God has been putting on the leaders’ hearts. I’ll kind of go into some background for me before I continue because it totally applies. So the very first time I came to the onething conference I kept seeing these signs all around the place for the children’s equipping center and I was curious as to what it was about. Well on the last day of the conference they brought a kid up to pray on the mic and the whole time he was praying I was just crying and had no idea why. Then they turned on some music and the kids started dancing to this worship song and again I just started bawling. So I was like God what is this? Why am I crying? Then this was the first time I know that I heard God’s voice. I can’t explain it I just know. So I heard Him go “you should do that”. And I said do what? Then He goes “start a children’s equipping center in Katy.” Then I just laughed and said yeah ok. At that point I hadn’t even taught Sunday school yet. But I filed it away in the back of my mind. Then one Sunday in church, Jim preached a message on the by faith chapter. I can’t remember which one it is. I think it’s in Hebrews somewhere? But basically during our prayer altar time we were supposed to go to God and ask Him to finish this sentence. By faith Amy… And this is th e 2nd time I really felt like I know God spoke to me and He said “by faith Amy led the next generation into the Lord’s battle”. So basically I have really had a heart for children and I feel an urgency to see them prepared for Jesus’ return. Anytime people are praying I immediately go to children and the next generation. So 2 Sundays ago Daniel Lim gave a message about what was on his heart. His message really focused on asking the Lord for the burden of His heart and then at this 10 year mark kind of starting from the beginning again and asking God to teach us how to pray. He just stressed how important it is to labor in prayer and to remember that the best thing we can be doing right now is praying. He said it’s easy to get wrapped up in thinking it’s a waste of time but we have to push through and partner with God and partner with His heart. The other day one of my teachers made the point that John the Baptist labored in the place of prayer for 18 years for an 18 month ministry. He said sometimes we get so wrapped up in the wanting to go that we neglect to see the importance of the preparation time before God tells us to “go”. That was a really cool illustration. So anyway, at the end of the message there was a ministry time and basically we were just crying out to God to teach us how to pray and to give us the burdens of His heart. Now I love to worship but I don’t feel like I really20have any burdens to pray except for children and I see everybody else with burdens for all kinds of different things (yes here is the comparison thing I’m not supposed to do) so I have been crying out to the Lord asking Him for the burden of His heart so the whole message and prayer time was so timely and an answer to pray. So during the prayer time I felt like I heard God say “Amy I am marking you tonight as an intercessor. You will know the burdens of my heart because you will know my heart.” So that was cool but I still struggle with how do I know if that was God? All it is, is a thought in my head. And I go back and forth like well that’s what I wanted to hear so I must have just made it up. It’s a constant struggle but it’s just part of the journey. So as I’m wrestling in my head wondering if I really heard it or not, Daniel gets on the mic and goes I feel like even right now the Lord is marking some of you as intercessors. So I of course laugh and said ok sorry God I get it. God really makes me laugh sometimes. So there was this man standing in front of me the whole prayer time and he has the most precious little baby girl. She seriously looks like a doll. Well the whole time I felt like I was supposed to pray for her. So I was wrestling in my head and going back and forth and then he walked back by me and so I asked him if I could pray for her and he said yes. So I put my hand on her little shoulder and started to pray and all of a sudden she just reached for me. So I held her and she was just so calm and seemed to be at home in my arms. I don’t typically hold babies either because I am afraid I am going to drop them and break them (I know, God’s working on this whole fear thing) but I didn’t really have a choice here. As I continued to pray for her, her eyes were just locked on mine the whole time. I can’t explain it but it was like she could see something inside me as I prayed for her. I hope it was good! I have no way to really describe it but praying for her was just amazing. Then when I was done I was like huh maybe that’s how you know you’re supposed to pray for someone. That had never happened before and I always wondered how people knew they were supposed to pray for someone. So that message was impacting but then this past Sunday was even more so. Allen Hood talked about what was on his heart and it was very similar to Daniel Lim’s. He said he feels an urgency to prepare this next generation for Jesus’ return and that we are in an urgent hour. We need to humble ourselves and pray and cry out for mercy for our children and grandchildren. It totally confirmed everything that I have felt and haven’t understood. It was like he put words to what I had been feeling but didn’t know how to express. I felt like God told me “see Amy you have had20my burden the whole time. Now I’m letting others in on it too”. I of course cried the entire message. I highly recommend anyone who is in church leadership or works with youth (mercy street especially) to go back and listen to his message if you can. I’ll only tell you about the ones I really feel are important and this may be the most important one I’ve heard so far. It was last Sunday’s FCF service. It sold out in the bookstore and they are still trying to make more copies for everyone that wants one. If you don’t have access to the archives email me and I will give you my password so you can go back and listen. This message truly stirs your spirit that the time is now to get ready for battle! It was a heavy word. One of the most impacting things he said at the very end was something to the effect of we cannot flirt with darkness. If we have trouble with it now, what are we going to do when the darkness keeps increasing? So that’s really been where my heart has focused. The church as a whole is so asleep and has no idea that a huge storm is coming. As we get nearer to Jesus coming back, the darkness is only going to increase and we need to discern the hour we are living in. We need to start pursuing righteousness and holiness now so that we can begin to prepare our children. I personally believe that we could see the Lord return in this generation and we will be here when everything goes down. But whether we are or not, we are doing a disservice to these future generations and our children and grandchildren if we do not prepare them for what’s coming. Maybe I’m wrong and we won’t see Jesus return in this generation or the next, but what if I’m right? Are our kids ready? Are we ready? Nobody knows for sure the day or the hour but I want to be ready and waiting, not living like it’s business as usual and totally be caught off guard. And I have an urgency to make sure that this next generation is ready and waiting and not swept away with the wicked and seduced by the darkness. So like I said it’s been good but sobering. Ever since that message I’ve really been burdened (I have the Lord’s burden!!) to pray for an outpouring of the Holy Spirit in Katy, especially in the children. Then I got an email from the house of prayer in Katy that they are doing a 21 day fast. I got so excited! I am totally partnering with you guys in prayer even though I am not there. I just feel like something big is getting ready to happen. Then I found out that some ministries at Grace are beginning to fast on Tuesdays. I do that too so I’m totally joining you guys and partnering in prayer with you here too. I just really have an expectation for God to move in Katy. Ginnette and I joked before we moved up here about how God was gonna move in Katy while we were up at IHOP and we would miss it. Then we were both talking about it20tonight and we both feel like it’s getting ready to happen. Pray that God would give me grace to do what He’s asking me to do day by day and stop looking ahead. Other than that please pray that God will keep speaking truth to my heart and that I would encounter how He feels about me and I would see what He sees when He looks at me. And pray that it warms up! It’s only September and I’m already cold! It’s perfect when the sun is out but I’m hardly out when the sun is out. My roommates told me they will take me shopping since I don’t know how to dress for when it really starts to get cold. So we’ll see what happens there. I miss you guys so much!!

Dark But Lovely

So I’m really enjoying my Sermon on the Mount class. It’s basically calling us to radical obedience and every week I want to go after it a little bit harder. But this class has been transformational for me. So I’ve thought that in order to walk out this Christianity thing I had to “be good” and “be perfect.” Turns out that’s not what it’s about. The class is all about pursuing 100 fold obedience, which basically means seeking to obey God in every area of your life. Here’s the kicker… it’s all about PURSUING… it’s not all about attaining. If we seek to attain it, we’re never going to succeed. We can’t without Jesus. It’s not possible. We are going to fail and guess what? It’s ok. So this whole time I’ve felt weak and like I’m behind everybody else right? Well it turns out that’s where I’m supposed to be. God knows we’re going to fail. It’s what we do when we fail that matters. When we fall we’re supposed to get up, repent for our sin, then turn around and receive His forgiveness and start running after Him and set our heart not to sin. We re going to because we’re human. But as long as we’re setting our heart to obey, God sees the yes and He says well done my good and faithful servant. I’m reading this book about spiritual gifts and tonight I came across this passage and I’m not really sure why it was in the book but I know that God used it to speak to my heart. In Proverbs there’s a verse that says the righteous man will fall 7 times but God will pick him up 8. He’s always going to pick us up! He’s never going to let us fail and then just leave us there. About a month before I came here we brought the Mercy Street youth up here and so one day I was sitting in the prayer room and this girl sang this song that was God speaking right to my heart and she said I’m not in a rush I’m not in a hurry. I’m a lover of the process and a lover of the journey. Stop comparing yourself to others. You are exactly where you need to be. Our teacher gave a really good picture of how God looks at us. He said imagine you are a little baby and you are just learning to walk. When you fall down does your father go what is the matter with you? Haven’t you got it right yet? I’m so frustrated with you and disappointed in you. That would be crazy right? But that’s how we view God. That every time we fail God is standing there mad and ready to lay into us for getting it wrong. But that’s not how He is at all . He’s looking at us in our weakness and immaturity because He sees us through the blood of Jesus and we are now His righteousness and he sees every tiny step we take toward Him and He sees every tiny yes we say in our hearts and He is standing there with His arms wide open encouraging us and calling us closer to him. So we’re to look at ourselves as babies just learning to walk and talk. This I can definitely do because that’s how I feel anyway. And then Sada gave the picture of when the girl is saying draw me away and we will run together, it says together. God is not sadistically running ahead of you like a drill sergeant telling you to speed up and get it right. He’s in front of you, but running at your pace, and encouraging you the whole time, not condemning you for not getting it right. So it’s been a totally different way of looking at things for me. The first part of the beatitudes is blessed are the poor in spirit. Poor in spirit basically means you see your need for Jesus. You see that you are a horrible sinful dark person and you can not do this thing on your own. So before I got here I was like I can do this Christianity thing. I’m not that bad and I don’t really have a lot of sin. I can do this thing. Turns out there’s a little bit of pride in there too, which of course happens to be sin. When in actuality, I know that if I face my true darkness I'm going to feel like God doesn't like me so I just pretend like it's not there so God likes me. Haha enter God. Ever since I got here I feel like God has been revealing more and more of my darkness. The teachers all keep saying that the more light and truth that comes into you, the more your darkness is going to surface. So it’s a good thing but man oh man is it ugly! He had started before I left but nothing like this. God has shed light on so many areas of darkness inside me it’s ridiculous. The thing is it’s mostly in my thoughts and my speech so I didn’t perceive it as sin. I just thought that’s how everyone was. Nope, there is no question in my mind that it is sin and not only do I struggle with it, but I am consumed by it. I have seen that there is no way that I can pursue righteousness and holiness in my own strength. I am weak and in desperate need of a Savior. Enter Jesus! The Excellencies of Christ class has been amazing too because it points everything back to Jesus dying on the cross. I just love the way that God has orchestrated everything about fire in the night so nicely. Almost like He knew what He was doing or something! So this past month or so I’ve really been struggling with the dark but lovely concept. Now I see the darkness in my heart and everything in me wants to run and hide from God so that He doesn’t see who I really am. Funny thing is, He already knows and in my darkness He says He loves me and I’m lovely. Our Song of Solomon class this week was about the dark but lovely part. Sada explained the part where she calls herself the lily of the valley. Lilies are really tall but they have a very weak stem so basically she’s saying God I’m so weak! I’m so prone to wander and I’m so sinful. And God goes like a lily among thorns is my beloved. Here He’s basically saying, in the midst of your weakness, I see your weak love, it’s real, and I hear your weak cry to be mine wholeheartedly and I see you like a beautiful flower amidst the darkness and sinfulness of the rest of this world. He sees the desire to obey him even in our weakness! So as she’s explaining this, God goes Amy you are like a butterfly among a dead forest. So the first time Andrew took me out on the four wheeler we went through all this gross dead forest area and as we were driving around I was just struck with how ugly and dead everything looked. And then out of nowhere I saw this beautiful butterfly fly by and I was struck with how beautiful it was amidst the ugly forest. And I remember as I was watching it God goes, that’s how I see you Amy. How appropriate that He used a butterfly! Does He know me or what? So God has really been opening up my eyes in little ways to how He feels about me and to His true character. He’s not frustrated with me. He’s kind and good and most of all I need to see Him as patient! There have been a lot of people in my life who haven’t been. It’s been really good too because the other day one of my teachers said that God will never condemn you. So if you have a condemning thought, it didn’t come from Him. Before I left and since I have been here I have had this reoccurring thought. So I had to give up the people and things that I love the most to come here and I thought it was punishment. God told me that I had made them into idols and now he had to punish me by taking them away from me. So I have been here the whole time trying to ask for forgiveness for making these things into idols and putting them above God. So on Saturday night Corey’s set was amazing. If you can go back and listen to it, do. It was 9-11pm and 10-11 was the best. Anyway they were singing and I can’t even remember for sure how I got here but I think there was a part where they were singing about how God sees and God knows. For whatever reason I got stuck on the God knows. So as I’m sitting there singing, my thoughts wander to God you know. You know that from the beginning I have set it in my heart not to make these people and things idols and I’ve asked you to help me. From the beginning I’ve said none of it matters if I don’t have You first and foremost and if I don’t know how You feel about me. And again it was just like truth exploding in my heart. He goes I do know. I see your desire to put me first and I would never punish you for being weak. I am a good father and I like to give good gifts. You have dove’s eyes and you’ve never taken them off me no matter what gift I have given you. So this whole time I have been condemning myself for something that wasn’t even true! Stupid devil! So then on Monday I was skipping ahead in the Song of Solomon notes and at the very end of the dark but lovely section it talks about Peter. Peter is the one who denied Jesus 3 times even though he said there was no way he would. So the notes are talking about after Jesus is resurrected and He comes to Peter and he’s asking him Peter do you love me? He says it 3 times and finally Peter goes Jesus you know all things of course you know I love you! The next part was really interesting. Obviously Jesus didn’t need Peter to tell him he loved him. He knew Peter did but He wanted Peter to have confidence in his sincere love for Jesus. What he needed was for Peter to know that even in the midst of weakness and failure that Peter really did love Jesus. The notes do a better job than my paraphrasing so here they are. God was basically saying Peter you do love me. In the garden 8 days ago I told you that you had weak flesh and a willing spirit. You didn’t believe your flesh was weak. You need to understand that you do have a willing spirit. You do have a yes in your spirit toward me. I saw it in you before you stumbled. When I see you I don’t only see your weak flesh, I also see your sincere love for me. So as I was reading that the sentence “you didn’t believe your flesh was weak” really screamed out at me. That’s my problem and why I’ve thought I can do this on my own. I don’t believe that my flesh is weak. And then a thought occurred to me. I don’t know if it was revelation or just a thought, but I thought ok so I know that there’s a part in Song of Solomon where He asks her to give up everything she loves because He wants to see if she’ll still love Him when He removes the gifts and ministry He’s given her. But then it occurred to me. What if in the same way Peter needed to know that he still loved Jesus, God had me give up everything because I needed to know that those things were not idols and that I really will still love him now matter what. Anyway, just food for thought. Praise be to God that He is opening my eyes to the truth. And even though I’m dark, He’s beginning to open my eyes to the truth that to Him, I’m still lovely. He loves me in the midst of weakness. I don’t have to try to be good. I can’t do it. The only good in me comes from him and the Holy Spirit is the only one who can help me. Oh how relieving it is to know that I’m not alone. He’s not punishing me. He’ll never abandon me or forsake me. He's patient with me!!! Everything He is doing is out of love. Please pray for more revelation of the truth to illuminate my darkness =)

P.S. God told me to be as vulnerable as possible in these blogs which you know I hate so I hope I’m doing a good job at it.

Just one word can shatter a thousand lies

Wow where to begin! Can you believe it's been over a month already? 6 months really is going to go faster than I thought it would. This has been a crazy couple of weeks. We had the GBF (global bridegroom fast) again this month so on Monday and Tuesday I was in the prayer room from 8pm- 6am. I actually got there at 6 so I was in there for 12 straight hours both those days and it was so good. I feel like God really spoke to my heart during that time. We also had an inner healing 2 day seminar on Wednesday and Thursday from 3-10 and it was intense! The first day they focused on mother and father wounds. Each parent plays a different role in how we view God. We learn how to receive love from the mother and we learn who we are from our father. It was really interesting. The lady was talking about mother wounds and how it was the mother's job to nurture us and care for us. So I'm sitting there thinking well my mom never lacked in that so I must be good in that area. Then at the end her husband came up and said now if you’re like me you’re sitting there thinking that you don’t have any mother wounds. Then he proceeds to tell us that God revealed to him that his wound came when he was a baby. He got sick and was taken away from his mother when he was just days old. He said that God revealed to him that it was that day that he learned he could not trust and closed off his heart and was no longer able to receive love. The whole time he’s telling the story tears are just streaming down my face and God goes “that’s what happened to you Amy.” When I was first born I got sick and had to be taken away too. So basically God showed me that I have been incapable of receiving love for 27 years. I knew I had walls up but holy crap! So anyway then they had ministry time and basically you invite God into to all your pain and you cry and then God comes and ministers to your heart. Different people came on the microphone and were just saying different pictures that they felt like they got while they were praying. So someone comes up and says she saw a picture of a vast ocean and there’s this little island with 1 tree and a little girl with a box on it. The little girl is very lonely and I saw her opening the box and inside are a bunch of masks. You are putting on all the different masks but none of them seem to fit. So by this point I’m crying again. (Crying during this is actually a good thing and it wi ll be a common theme during this 6 months so don’t worry) My core leader Wendy comes up and starts praying for me and as soon as she started talking I just lost it. She said God says it’s time to take the masks off. He says you are fearfully and wonderfully made and He loves who He created you to be. He said the thing I beat myself up for the most is the thing that He loves most about me. He loves when I come and just “be” with Him. He said there is a rest in the being. He said I have a mother’s heart and nature and as I rest in who He says I am and just “be” that others find their rest and that’s why people are and will be more drawn to me because they feel like that can just be when they are around me. They don’t feel like they have to be anything than who God made them. She repeated like 5 or 6 times He says just be. Just be. I jokingly asked her if she had been reading my blog but of course she hadn’t. I was weeping the whole time and my legs were shaking like they tend to do when God is doing a work in my heart. So that was just the beginning session and then we did father wounds. It brought up some really interesting information that makes so much sense. The guy said that during the world wars each soldier was given a buddy and they basically watched each other’s backs to keep from dying. So obviously since they were in a life or death situation, they bared their souls and were open and vulnerable and best buds with this other person. Then one of them died and the leader of the army or whatever just threw them together with a new “best buddy.” Well of course he wasn’t going to open up and be transparent with this new guy. Look what happened to the one he bared his soul to. It was too hard and men saw things we were never meant to see so those men closed off their hearts. Then when they came home from war they married like crazy and entered their marriages with hearts closed off to their wives. Then all these closed-hearted men had babies and it was the “baby boom.” Well that was our parents’ generation. So the majority of our parents grew up with a father who was closed off and couldn’t show love and affection toward their wife and children. You can only love as well as you’ve been loved and so obviously our parents loved as well as they could but they came from weak and broken parents too. It’s a vicious cycle. So basically it’s the father’s job to call out our identity, and in their brokenness, they often speak other things over us that are opposite to what God says. And since we are so desperate for daddy’s approval, we take whatever they say and that becomes part of our identity. So that ministry time was good but not very impactful. There was only 1 thing which God revealed and dealt with. I never doubted that my dad loved and adored me. The guy=2 0said that father wounds are more like peeling an onion. You peel a layer and then you cry and then you peel another one and cry and so on. He said that one is more over time and God will begin to speak our true identity over us. He said we tend to view God as we view our earthly father so we have a lot of wrong understandings of who God is because our earthly father is not perfect like our heavenly one. Then at the end of the night they did a time of confession. They talked about how powerful confessing our sin to another person is. They challenged us too. They said we want you to confess that secret sin that you’ve never told anybody or the one that you have confessed before but still feel so much shame over. It was good. We confessed and then received forgiveness and washed our hands and head in water and then they anointed us with oil signifying that we had been washed clean and we were pure. There was such freedom! That night in the prayer room worship took on a whole new meaning. The last song we sang was “it is well with my soul” and we sang it with gusto. Pam I thought of you when I was singing because during one session you prayed something about saying it is well with my soul and meaning it and as I sang it, I meant it and believed it =) Then the next day, Thursday, was true femininity and true masculinity. That may have been the hardest day. They basically talked about our beauty and how it gets distorted and perverted b y man’s sinful nature. The talked about how guys pick up on a woman’s need to hear I love you and you are beautiful and use it to manipulate them to get their needs met. So the ministry time was amazing. First they had all the guys go to the back of the room and get in small groups and confess all the ways that they had disrespected women and when they were done they had to look to the front of the room where the girls were so they could see what effect their disrespect had on us as females. It was so powerful as some girls had been so mistreated they were literally on the floor in the fetal position crying as God dealt with all their pain. Afterward the guys all said they will never look at women the same again. So basically different guys came to the mic and just stood in place of different men in our lives and repented on behalf of how it made us feel. Some stood in place of dads, brothers, uncles, friends, boyfriends, co-workers etc. It was really good and I shook uncontrollably again. I guess that’s just the way God likes to deal with me. I’m learning to just give in to it. Anyway, the best part was at the very end they had us cross our hands over our chest symbolizing all the walls we had put up and all the barriers we have to keep people from hurting our hearts. Then we had to lower them and it symbolized us removing all the walls and laying them at the foot of the cross. It was probably the most painful part of the20whole thing and I shook even more but when it was over I just started to breathe in and out real slow and deep and this overwhelming sense of peace just covered me. Then the afternoon was true masculinity. It was really good in terms of marriage. I feel like God is giving me all this wisdom on how to be a Godly wife and mother and really love my family the way He desires me too. A lot of the talks were based on marriage because broken people can not be in a healthy relationship and they are trying to save us the heartache they all went through. God is so kind to deal with all this now and break the cycle starting with me. He loves me so much!! The guy talked about the verse where it says that a man will leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife. He made a point that it says men and not women because women naturally have that ability of self-sacrifice which is why it is easy for us to submit to our husbands and care for our children. Whereas guys are generally more selfish and out to get their own needs met and therefore when a man enters a marriage he is saying he will die to himself and lay down his life for his wife and children. It was really interesting too because just the other day the director of our internship was asked a question about celibacy vs. marriage and he basically said it’s all in the way a guy is wired. He said for him he could have gone and lived up in the mountains with his Bible and nothing else but God wired him in the way that he becomes more Christ-like by being married because he has to humble himself every time he has to ask his wife to forgive him. God knew he was better with his wife than without her. It was a really interesting way to look at it all. He also brought up the issue of submission. He said as women we cannot submit to our husbands unless we believe and they have shown us that we can trust them. He said men don’t expect your wives to submit to your authority if they do not feel loved and beautiful and safe and accepted by you. The teaching was basically that the majority of men don’t know how to be men or even if they’ve become men because nobody teaches them and initiates them into manhood. Or there’s a false initiation where he feels like he is a man which typically is sexual in nature. He said almost every other culture has some sort of initiation into manhood but we do not. There’s so many boys who grow up without fathers. Whether they are physically not there or they are physically there but emotionally absent. So either men turn to their mothers who can’t really teach them how to be a man and an unhealthy bond forms or they turn to their friends who don’t really know either and just teach them to objectify and manipulate women because that’s all they’ve been taught. Again, it’s a vicious cycle. He said that men were wired to build and make things and God plac ed in them a heart to defend injustice. The biggest issue is that for the most part men are passive and are not the spiritual leaders God calls them to be. There was a lot more and I can go into it later if you want but I didn’t really pay that much attention to the guy part. So their ministry time was good. They basically called them out into their destiny to be Godly fathers and husbands. They called them to walk in strength and authority and lead the women in their lives and defend injustice. Then at the end they took these huge swords and initiated them into manhood and knighted each one to be the mighty warrior that God called him to be. So overall it was really good but I am physically, spiritually, and emotionally drained! On top of that, 3 weeks ago Ashley Prior, (who is my favorite worship leader and is on the nightwatch!) was doing a set on psalm 23 and it’s all about how God is a good shepherd and how His leadership over our life is perfect. So I’m not super happy with the way He’s leading one particular part of my life right now so I’m sitting there with my heart closed and my arms crossed telling God that actually I don’t agree that His leadership is perfect. (It’s ok God likes when you come to him real. He already knows you’re thinking it anyway so you might as well tell Him too) The Lord is so kind! As the set went on, my thought process went to my first boyfriend and what my heart went throug h. (don’t worry all is forgiven and we have worked through things and we are in a really good place now) But at the time I remembered how broken hearted I was and I go well actually I’m kinda happy I didn’t have any boyfriends before him because the only way I know to love is with my whole heart. Which is good for the receiver, but hurts like heck when your whole heart gets broken. So as I’m thinking this, God goes “that was me guarding and protecting your heart. I created you and I know your frame and I know the way you love because you were created to love whole-heartedly. I allowed that relationship because ultimately I knew your broken heart would turn you back to me.” It was like all of a sudden truth just flooded into my heart. All those years I had perceived my lack of a boyfriend as rejection and God said no actually that was me protecting and guarding your heart. All of a sudden I am no longer rejected, but guarded and protected! It really is true that just 1 truth can shatter a thousand lies. He has just continued to speak through the last 2 weeks of Ashley’s set and this week during the fast was really awesome! I may have cried the entire 2 hours. I’m coming into agreement that His leadership is perfect and His banner over me is love, which I have come to understand means that everything He’s done and is doing and will do, is out of love and mercy. He really is a good father! I know this one=2 0was really long but I felt like there was so much knowledge to be gained through all the stuff I learned this week and wanted to share it with you. It took me like 2 hours to type it so I hope you read the whole thing!

God is So Kind

First of all thank you to my prayer warriors. When I posted the last blog, that night my sore throat disappeared. Ya’ll rock! I also got my first real piece of mail. My card was so sweet and made my day so thank you. It’s so exciting to get real mail. Ok so shuttle driving went well. It actually wasn’t hard at all. I only ran over 1 curb and I didn’t kill anybody. Not bad for 3 hours! My other serving assignment is actually to clean the briefing room where the singers meet on Sunday night at 12:15. I get to vacuum! It’s weird though because all the worship leaders are just walking around in there and backstage and some have talked to me. I think it will help me to see them as real people just like me. So far the roommates are ok. Since I’m the oldest in the apt. they always ask me for advice and for my opinion on things. What’s funny is that since I am older I’m totally not afraid to speak my mind and give my 2 cents. Pray that continues when I come home too. I kinda like having a voice for a change. As for what God has been doing I’ll have to pick and choose because this could get long fast. I’m really excited about my classes. I think I’m most excited about the Excellencies of Christ. I didn’t really know what it was going to be about and the whole first class I just sat there and cried. It was so amazing and just what my heart needed to hear and that was only the introduction! It’s going to focus a lot on the cross and I’ve been asking for revelation of the cross for some time now so I’m excited about that. I believe that Jesus died on the cross for my sins, but what does that really mean in my day to day living? It’s going to be good. After the first class, something cool happened in the prayer room. Sometimes when I am worshiping I get this picture in my head where I see myself being pulled out of the mud by two hands and as I come out I’m in a beautiful white dress and there is no mud on me. It’s happened several times where I see the same picture. So that night after class I saw the same picture but this time on top of the mud was a layer of blood so I was pulled out of the muck and mire and then washed through the blood of Jesus. And I came out really shiny and glowing with no mud on me. =) During another ministry time a girl was praying over me and she said she saw a picture of me and I was on my knees in front of the throne of God worshiping but my heart was in a ton of tiny pieces on the floor surrounding me. She said that He wanted every piece because He wanted to put it back together. It was so good because when I worship that’s what I picture is me on my knees arms wide open in front of the throne of God and nobody would know that because I don’t typically do it in the natural. But then I get ashamed because I know God wants my heart and I feel like all I can give to Him is the pieces and to me that’s not worth anything. But not only does He want the pieces, He wants to put them back together! Who is this God that says the pieces are worth everything to Him? So anyway she also continued to say that I compare myself a lot to other people and I worry that I’m not as far as I should be and that other people are “holier” than me and God said to stop comparing myself. The only person I need to compare myself to is Him. Then after she was done praying I felt like He said “Amy their prayers are good and they shift things, but not one of them worships me like you do. Not one of them moves my heart like you do.” He’s so kind! It’s just becoming increasingly clearer every day that this is a journey. I started reading this amazing book called The Bride by Rhonda Calhoun and I could not put it down. It is an allegory based off the Song of Solomon and God spoke to my heart through that book on so many levels. It basically showed me the different stages that a believer goes through and at first she is very selfish but then as God begins to grow her and mature her, He teaches her how to pray and begins to give her burdens to intercede for the things that are on His heart. I’ve been condemning myself because everyone in the prayer room always seems to have these burdens that they want to pray for and all I want to do worship and sing to Jesus so I think I’m not as holy because all I want to do is sing. But that’s just the season I am in. God knows exactly how to grow me and mature me and when He knows I’m ready, He’s going to start downloading His heart to me. We sing a song at Mercy Street and one of the lines is “break my heart for what breaks yours” and that has been my prayer. I think He’s gradually doing it too. The other night a guy talked about human trafficking and the injustice and again I cried the entire time he was talking and then afterwards during the ministry time I went to the front and just got on my knees and literally wept. I was wrecked for about 3 hours after. So it’s totally happening! Whether I realize it or not he’s breaking my heart. I need to learn not to discount my tears too. That’s totally a form of intercession. Totally unrelated but I'm also seeing the most amazing sun rises. God is so beautiful! There’s probably more but I’ll stop there. Turns out I’m breaking my promise because these are all going to be long. So I guess just get used to long blogs! =)

I'm Here

So I made it to KC safely but got really sick on the way up. So basically all day Tuesday I just laid around and did nothing. I’m slowly getting better but that would be an awesome thing to pray for- full restoration of my health so I can give God the best of me. Wednesday was my first day here and I moved in and met all my roommates. There is plenty of space for everything I brought and the apartment is really old but really big. I have 4 roomates total. There are 2 in my room with me and 2 in the other room. We are all totally different. We look different, have different personalities, and different backgrounds. I’m really looking forward to seeing what God is going to orchestrate by putting us all together. I’m the oldest so I’m kinda like the mother figure but I got used to that with my Mercy Street girls. I kinda like it actually. I think I’m older than most of the guys too. They threw us into the schedule the first night we were here. We had to be in the prayer room from 12-2 but then we came back to the apt and did a meet and greet where they made sure to keep us up until 4 am. Then the next day we had the whole 12-6. That was rough! I kept falling asleep and it was probably the longest 6 hours of my life. But now that I’m getting the right amount of sleep I’m doing much better. We come home and have to be in bed lights out by 7am and then I normally sleep until between 1-4pm. Today I got up at 3:40pm. =) Our schedule has changed everyday and they are pretty disorganized but I kinda like that I am at the mercy of someone else. I don’t make any plans and they just tell us where to be and when each day. We also have to be there 10 minutes early which I love. We haven’t really started our classes yet. They would have started today but since it’s the first Mom-Wed of the month they do a fast and we are actually in the prayer room tonight and tomorrow from 8pm-6am straight. Pray for grace for that too! Wednesday is our Sabbath and the only thing we are required to do is be in the prayer room from 4-6am. Next week when classes start we have classes at 9pm. There’s going to be a Song of Solomon one, a Sermon on the Mount one, and Excellencies of Christ so I’m super excited about those. We have a core leader and she’s going to have us study the entire New Testament during this 3 months and we start this week with Luke. I’m super excited to have a plan and not just open up my Bible and read. Our food schedule has been really different each day too but I think this week we’re finally on what it will be. Breakfast is anywhere between 1-4:30pm. There’s just a little cart with cereal and bagels and stuff. Then there’s a meal at 6pm and the last one at 11pm. The cafeteria food isn’t too bad either. We got our service assignments yesterday. I clean the prayer room Sunday night at 12:15 and the kitchen Saturday night after lunch but then get this one- I’M DRIVING THE SHUTTLE BUS!! They don’t even train you or anything. You just get on and say I’m here to drive and they let you go. This has to be a God thing because you all know that would be the last thing I would have volunteered for. I drive back and forth from the FSM building every Saturday night from 9-midnight so please pray that I am aware of my surroundings and I don’t kill anyone. I still can’t believe it! You just know that God is sitting there laughing at me. I did not get to see fireworks. There were a couple in the sky at meal time but nothing compared to what I’m used to. I did get a nice little text with a firework that made me smile so thank you for that. You made my night =) If you want to call me the best time is probably between 4 and 9 pm. We actually have to turn our phones off when we are in class so if you call make sure you leave me a message or else I won’t see that you called. Feel free to email me too. We get internet at the apartment so I don’t have to lug my computer around everywhere. I guess that’s it. I promise they won’t all be this long. Have a blessed day!

The Oak Inside the Acorn

There's this book by Max Lucado called The Oak Inside the Acorn. It's a children's book and I originally bought it to read to my Next Generation kiddos but as it turns out every time I've read it, it seems to be God's message to me. If you haven't read it I highly recommend it no matter how old you are but for those of you who don't like to read I will try to give a little summary. It starts with a little acorn talking to his mother who is an oak tree. He's so happy and loves being with her but she keeps telling him that soon he has to let go. Her words are, "Within you is a great oak, Little Acorn. Just be the tree that God made you to be." He's just a little acorn and can't imagine that inside of him is a big oak tree. So life happens and the time comes when it's time for him to let go and move on. He's so scared to let go but his mother's words keep ringing in his ears and when the time is right, he lets go and his journey begins. The book follows little acorn as he tries to be an orange tree and then a flower bush and realizes that he is not made to do either of those. Then finally one day he stops trying to be what everybody else wants him to be and just "is." He falls asleep and goes down into the soil and before you know it you watch him grow into this huge oak tree and he finally sees God's purpose for him and why he was created. Every time I read this book I cry but if you know me at all that's probably not a big shocker. I feel like I can totally relate to little acorn. I've spent my life trying to mold myself and create myself and become who other people want me to be and it's exhausting! I'm almost 28 and I have no idea who I am! I'm tired of striving and now I'm giving up and saying God, Your will be done. I'm letting go and asking God to show me who I am and what my purpose is. I'm going to just "be" and I am scared to death. This is a huge leap of faith for me. I had to quit my job and God is asking me to sacrifice my "Isaacs" (The people and things I love the most) and trust Him. Not only do I not know what will happen when I am in Kansas City, but I have no clue what will happen when I get back either. But I have faith that God is in control and he has a plan for me that is more than anything I would have ever imagined or dreamed. So anyway, this is my journey to be the tree that God created me to be. It's going to be a bumpy ride...but a beautiful journey =)

Hosea 2:14-16

¹⁴ "So now I am going to draw her back to me. I will lead her into the desert. There I will speak tenderly to her. ¹⁵ I will give her back her vineyards. I will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope for her. Then she will love me, as she did when she was young. She will love me just as she did when she came up out of Egypt. ¹⁶ "A new day is coming," announces the Lord. "Israel will call me My Husband. She will no longer call me My Master.

Song of Solomon 8:5

⁵"Who is this coming up from the wilderness
Leaning on her beloved?"