Not Who Am I...But WHOSE Am I?

Thank you for praying! I found a new place and rather quickly. Student housing sent me a list of available rooms and I just randomly started emailing ones that looked good and were in my price range. The house is actually in the same neighborhood I am currently in, only like a couple streets over and it’s basically the same kind of layout and the same price. It’s a two bedroom apartment in the basement of a lady’s house where she lives upstairs and will have another person in the house with her. It’s completely furnished which is awesome b/c I only have the bedroom furniture. In fact the bedroom was furnished too but luckily she can move that stuff out to make room for mine. It’s really cool though b/c I don’t have a dresser b/c mine didn’t make the move. It was too big and my dad told me that he was just going to buy me one once I got here. But there’s one in the room already and it’s nice and big so I don’t actually have to buy one. I was also going to buy a lamp but there’s one of those too so I don’t have to buy one. The Lord is such a great provider. I love that! I’m going to be living with one of my roommates from FITN from track one. The Lord is so funny. I would have never in a million years think I would be signing a one year lease with her. We both said we were not coming back to KC. It’s going to be good. We will be moving at the end of August.

Orientation was this week and it has been sooo good! I am just so grateful that I am here and I am sooo excited for school to start. I don’t think I’ve ever been this excited for anything to start in my life! The first day was your basic registration. There’s like 300 first year students for all 4 schools and probably about half of those are FSM which is mine so I stood in line for like 2 hours but I got to know the chick behind me in line pretty well. Then all the leadership got up and each gave a schpeel (sp?) about their vision for the year and how excited they were to have us here. Then that afternoon we were in the prayer room and for the last like 30 minutes of the set, Mike had us all get up and stand in the aisles and everyone else in the prayer room came around and started praying for us. It was so good! One person said she felt like the Lord was saying I had eyes like Esther and didn’t know the context but prayed into it and so I’m seeking the Lord on what she meant by that. But here comes the best one. Another girl came up and prayed and said that it was good that I was here for school but that’s secondary. The Lord has an agenda for you during this season and it’s inner healing for your heart. He cares about your heart. It’s the most important thing to Him. Your heart matters. And of course I started crying. I loved that He said Agenda. It implies intention. It’s not just a to do when I get around to it. No- He has an agenda and it’s my heart! Then I got a really sweet email that same day that I felt went along with that word and it really touched me. Then one night they had leadership come in and we spread out all over the room and people just came up and prayed for you whenever. One of the guys said he saw me as Esther and that I was going to intercede for governments. That I was going to intercede for Israel and that a spirit of boldness was going to come upon me. Something like that has been prophesied over me before as well so I thought that was pretty cool. There seems to be an Esther theme. They just keep soaking us in prayer! The whole week I have just felt like royalty. They are making a really big deal out of us and telling us how honored they are that the Lord trusts them with our hearts. They are really going to hold us accountable and disciple us which I am so excited about because I need all the help I can get. I feel really important which I’m not used to feeling. I really have no clue…who am I? Last night at the awakening one of the girls got up and gave a testimony of how the Lord set her free from depression and a variety of other things and she said that before she got up and gave her testimony she was just sitting in her chair and crying because she thought of how it took so long for her breakthrough and now we’re here after the awakening has started and how we’re not going to need to wait 3 years for our breakthrough and that she feels like the Lord is going to do a quick work and she was so excited for us. So basically I’m just super grateful that the Lord has me here during this time. We’re the first students to be in the new building too and today we took a tour and it’s beautiful!

So what is the Lord speaking to me these days? He’s teaching me what it means that He made me female. The counselor that I went to really got to the heart and root of a lot of stuff and she was totally Holy Spirit filled and Holy Spirit led. During one of our sessions, she asked me how often do you celebrate the fact that God made you female? On a scale of 1-10 how much would you say you embrace your femininity? I said on special occasions I love to get dressed up and dolled up! What about on just an average day? I told her I am basically a jeans and t-shirt kinda gal. She told me that when she was in college she was all into sports and was a total tomboy and the Lord surprised her one day and told her He wanted to take her on a journey of learning what it meant that He made her female-not just on special occasions-but everyday. Then she mentioned Queen Esther and the story from the Bible and how she had to have beauty treatments to be ready for the King. I told her that was really interesting because before I went to FITN and during it was prayed over me several times how I was like Queen Esther and this was a time of preparation for my Heavenly Husband, as well as my earthly husband. Now at first that sounded romantic and I was so excited to see what the Lord had for me. I mean beauty treatments who’s not gonna sign up for that right? Now here’s the funny part. Sometime during track two I was reading the book of Esther and came across that very passage and I was shocked because here’s what it actually says…

¹² Before a girl's turn came to go in to King Xerxes, she had to complete twelve months of beauty treatments prescribed for the women, six months with oil of myrrh and six with perfumes and cosmetics.

Six months with the oil of myrrh came first. The oil of myrrh symbolizes death. Here I thought it was all perfumes and cosmetics but I missed the most important step-death. I met with a lady that I did freedom and healing with at my church about a month ago. It had been 3 years since we had last met. I couldn’t believe it had been that long. Anyway she knows everything I’ve gone through the last year and as I was telling her how I just feel like I’ve completely come to the end of myself, completely at the Lord’s mercy, and I’m more confused now than when I started FITN. She was like Amy I can’t help but notice how the Lord is answering your prayer. In my mind I’m thinking what could you possibly mean by that? She said remember at the end of our time together you prayed that prayer “whatever it takes?” You wanted to be at the end of yourself but you just weren’t yet. It seems to me that this past year has been God answering your prayer. So let me warn you that “whatever it takes” is apparently a very dangerous prayer. Had I known this is what it took I don’t know that I would’ve prayed that. However, it’s the Lord’s kindness that we don’t know what we’re saying yes to before we say it, because we probably wouldn’t say yes if we knew. He just asks us to obey first and therefore that is what we need to do. During our last session the counselor told me that even though it was painful, she felt like the Lord was showing her that everything I have gone through in the last year was necessary. She said the Lord gave her a picture of me and I was a pile of wood. First I had to be broken and cut down into a pile and in my words literally come to the end of myself, now He can start from scratch to build what He wants to build, what He’s always wanted to build. Then I remembered that some random person prayed over me sometime during track 2 that the Lord was breaking me down so that He could build me up into who He’s always dreamed of me being. I had forgotten about that until she said it and confirmed it again. Not that it was exactly comforting to hear all this, but at the same time at least it confirmed why this past year has felt like death itself. Because that’s exactly what it was. Death! It has a purpose and it was not in vain. Now I am believing by faith that season is over. I mean we’re always going to progressively be dying as we let go of our flesh and embrace the cross. Such is the way of Christianity. But it’s never gonna be like this again. Sure there will be death, but I’m gonna know the character and the ways of the Lord better each time and so it’s not going to be near as painful. SO by faith I am declaring this season of death done. Finished. No more! I had a year of death and therefore by faith I am believing for a year of life. I am believing for not just six months of perfumes and cosmetics, but a year, in Jesus’ name! I’m ready for spring and for new life. Basically I feel like I am finally where I thought I was a year ago coming into FITN.

Thus begins my new journey. What does it look like that God made me female-everyday? I bought some cute new summer dresses (all of which were either only $10 or $15 thank you Lord) and I know some of you will not believe this, but I am actually going to start wearing shorts. My roommates are so funny because when they saw my clothes they got so excited. During FITN I made a conscious effort not to draw attention to myself because I was here for the Lord and didn’t need the distraction so I basically just wore jeans and t-shirts the whole time. I think the fact that they even see bright colors in my closet now excites them which is so funny to me because I’ve always worn bright colors. I was like see I told you I had cute clothes, I just didn’t bring them to FITN. It wasn’t the season for them, but now it is. Also, one of my friends surprised me before I left for KC and took me to lunch at the galleria and then took me to MAC to get my make-up done. It was such a sweet treat and she even bought some stuff for me. It was such a blessing because that stuff isn’t cheap. So now I even own make-up. Not that I’ll wear it every day, but my counselor said during her season she would just ask the Holy Spirit when so that’s what I plan to do. It’s going to take a while getting used to but I’m excited to play with it. And I got my hair cut and highlighted before I left so it’s really cute and summery. It’s really interesting to me too because as I’ve been sharing where the Lord has me with my roommates, they share where the Lord has them. One girl, who has really only worn dresses and skirts, is now starting to wear jeans. One girl who has worn make-up since she was in 5^th grade is now taking a break from it for a season and not wearing any. I just found it so fascinating how the Lord is so personal with each of us. He is speaking one thing to me and at the same time the complete opposite to someone else. I just thought that was pretty cool.

A book I read states “you are a Christian and then a woman. And that’s the order of information that’s most important about you. Your most important identity is as a Christian, ransomed by God himself. Second to that is your identity as a woman, made feminine and made in God’s image.” One of my friends gave me a book that I am also currently reading and I haven’t finished the book yet, but there is one chapter that has stuck out to me so far. It’s called Not who am I? But WHOSE am I? She says “Most women start at the wrong place. They start with themselves. They ask, “Who am I? How do I really feel?” and they assume that if enough people express their personal opinions on this subject we will all somehow arrive at the truth of the matter…but in order to learn what it means to be a woman we must start with the One who made her.” So I am really seeking for truth in this season. The devil has done everything he can do to use my circumstances to convince me that God is mean and doesn’t like me and that I’m never gonna get it so I might as well just give up. But the truth is that God really is protecting and guarding my heart. He knows something I don’t and He loves me so much that He wouldn’t allow my heart to get hurt any more than it already has. He decided to change someone else’s heart instead of mine, even though I begged him to change mine, and that’s just how it is. What I perceive to be him being harsh and mean is actually his gentleness and loving-kindness to me. During track 2 sometime at one of the awakenings, Misty Edwards prayed for me and I just keep clinging to her words. She said God says there is nothing wrong with you. I have set you apart for myself. I want you! You are Mary of Bethany. You are the shulamite. The Song of Solomon is your story. There is nothing wrong with you. I have set you apart for myself. I want you! This is truth and this is what I am clinging to with everything I have. Pray for truth. Truth of who Jesus is and truth of how He sees me and feels about me.