What Are You Doing With Your 80 Years?

Alright so this blog is actually a long time in the making. The Lord has been speaking to me on this issue for quite sometime and quite frankly I feel like it’s kinda controversial and potentially convicting for those who will read it and therefore I have continued to put it off. Truthfully more than anything I feel super vulnerable sharing it. I have been writing pieces of it off and on for several months and continuing to seek the Lord on if He actually wanted me to post it or if it was just something that I was supposed to write down. As I was praying about it the other day I felt like He said post it. If they choose to read it they will, and if they choose not to read, they won’t. So here is the biggest thing the Lord is currently speaking to me about. I invite you, if you choose to read it, to invite the Holy Spirit to speak what He wants to speak to you personally through it. Remember this is what the Lord is currently speaking to me and He may be speaking to you about something completely different…or He may be speaking this exact thing to you as well. The Lord is really speaking to me about how I spend my time and movies/entertainment.

Sometime over the course of the internship I felt like the Lord revealed to me that I was consumed with a spirit of lust. At first I was super offended. I mean I was already offended at Him for the circumstances in my life and now here He was telling me I was lustful! It’s not like I’m addicted to porn or out sleeping around. Those are the lustful people. What I feel like He’s revealed to me over the past several months speaks a different story. I am consumed with the spirit of the age. That’s a term that gets thrown around a lot up here in IHOP land, but basically it’s whatever we use to satisfy our longings and our desires outside of God. For instance, if you’ve been following my past blogs I use movies/entertainment. One of my core leaders during FITN was super passionate on this issue and gave us a talk one day about chick flicks and why she did not like them. She said they send an unrealistic idea of romance and true love because most of the time the main character is already in a relationship and he or she breaks it off because they finally found “the one.” Now if you know me at all you know that chick flicks are my thing so I was ready to come out with fists up and defend my chick flicks. So I thought of my two favorites and was going to prove her wrong. Sadly however, she was even right about those. The Notebook is one of my favorites, but Alli is actually engaged to her fiancé when she cheats on him with Noah and leaves him because he was “the one.” Same thing’s true for Enchanted. Giselle is technically engaged to prince charming and Patrick Dempsey’s character is engaged to another chick. But they both leave their significant other because they have found “the one.” Even Sleepless in Seattle, the ultimate chick flick, she’s engaged to another dude! These movies make you think that once you find your "soulmate" life will be perfect and you will finally be complete. But in reality the only person that can complete you is Jesus. If you are not fully satisfied in Him first and foremost, another relationship will certainly not satisfy. Not being able to prove her wrong actually left me wrecked for a few days. Anyway I was reading this book online about a month ago. It’s called Sex and the Supremacy of Christ by John Piper. I highly recommend it and you can read it for free on his website desiringgod.org. I also read This Momentary Marriage and that one was really good too. Anyway as I was reading it I came across a section that really hit my spirit. Here is what the lady who wrote that chapter had to say:

“The culture of romance novels, soap operas, and women’s magazines does not draw nearly as much attention as male-oriented pornography. Men do graphic pornography. That’s an obvious problem. Women do romance. It’s the same kind of problem, though the participants keep their clothes on a while longer, and there’s more of a story to tell before they tumble into bed. Romance novels are female pornography. The sin comes wired through intimacy lust first and builds toward erotic lust. The formulaic fantasies offer narrative emotion-candy, not visual eye-candy. Romance tells a story about someone with a name, someone you fall in love with. It builds slowly. It’s more than a moment of instant gratification with anonymous, naked, willing bodies. But like male pornography, there is a progression from soft-core to more openly erotic, to frankly pornographic writings that target women. The male model Fabio made his career posing for formulaic book cover art. A big, strong guy, stripped to the waist, tenderly cradles a beautiful woman. He’s the knight in shining armor, protective, gentle, understanding—and the handsome hunk. The romantic novel genre has even made a crossover to evangelical Christian publishing houses. The sex is cleaned up; the knight in shining armor is also a deep spiritual leader who marries you before sleeping with you. But the fantasy appeal to intimacy and romance lusts remains as the inner engine that allures readers. Female versions of sexual-romantic sin are shop-floor rags as much as male versions. Jesus Christ calls all of us out of fantasy, delusion, and lust, whether the fantasyland is filled with naked bodies or with romantic knights. Jesus Christ is about the reality business.”

Now her opinion, in my opinion, is a little intense and she makes some strong statements, but she basically put words to what I feel like the Lord has been trying to show me. Me being consumed with a spirit of lust means I have been living in a fantasy land. And the thing is, it’s not just movies. When I first got back to Katy I was resolute that I was not going to watch TV since I had gone 6 months without it and was perfectly fine, so I thought I would just read instead. There’s nothing wrong with reading right? I had read Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers which is a Christian book and she wrote a trilogy called the Mark of the Lion. I had heard from 3 different girls that these were the best books and I had to read them. So I took the opportunity since I had nothing to do anyway and I read them. Even as I was reading the first book I felt like I was reading soft core porn. I even told my sister that when she asked me how I liked it. And this was a Christian book. The more fiction books I read, I thought to myself, now how is this any different than watching TV? Sure I’m not putting images in front of my eyes but actually I was in my imagination. Isn’t reading and watching TV basically the same thing? It’s all fantasy right? Before I didn’t really know and probably didn’t even care but over the past probably like 6 months the Lord has really been birthing in me a thirst for reality. So after my new found knowledge that reading wasn’t any better than actually watching TV, I decided well then I’m just gonna start watching TV again until I go back to IHOP, but Lord I want you to show me what you want me to see. I’m pretty sure I blogged on this before but I was shocked to see how much sex is streaming through even family comedies. Dancing with the Stars was super disappointing because they were practically naked as they were gyrating about and I just kept thinking, would I let my kids watch this? The funniest part is I love reality TV. I’m all about the bachelor/bachelorette and watched each of the most recent seasons of each. I had really high hopes for So You Think You Can Dance. But alas, it was just as bad. Almost all of the dances were filled with one person trying to seduce the other through the dance. Whenever the judges critiqued them they used phrases such as, that was hot, sexy, seductive, etc. The costumes were just as bad as dancing with the stars too. One part made me really sad though. There was one girl in the competition, who ended up winning, but she was 18 and fresh out of high school. After one of the early dances the judges told her she wasn’t sexy enough. So progressively throughout the competition she tried to prove them wrong. And she did a good job too. A few episodes in, the judges told her that she had finally found herself because she had found the sexpot inside her. Are you kidding me? I actually cried a little and that had to be the Holy Spirit because I would have never paid attention to that before. I remember thinking what is her dad thinking when he watches her in that costume or dance like that? But this is what I mean by the spirit of the age. Sexual innuendo everywhere, the idea that we have to be sexy/seductive to attract attention. Look at how much money is spent on plastic surgery every year. What teenagers/young women wear to get attention. But the thing is, we’ve lived so long this way, we don’t even know anything is wrong with it. We are all consumed with it in one way or another. And it’s only going to get worse.

I love trash TV. I don’t know if you remember but a while back there was this horrible show called Temptation Island where men and women come to this island and will get voted off if they don’t make alliances with eachother and there was all kinds of drama and seduction and backstabbing and I loved it. While I was back in Katy, I was checking my email and on those little news reel things a blurb popped up about Temptation Island 2. I didn’t even know there was a second one. So I clicked on it and I watched the first episode. I was drawn into it and for like 3 days I watched episode after episode on my computer. I’m not even kidding- the whole season. It was totally trash and nowhere near reality…and I loved it. You know this whole Twilight craze? You know why I haven’t read the books or seen the movies? Because I know how much I would get drawn into it. Did you ever watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer? Anyone else totally root for Buffy and Angel to get together? Anyone else think there was something exciting and mysterious about that vampire Angel? Oh yeah I know exactly how wrapped up I would get in this vampire business which is why I choose not to. I saw Sex and the City last year and it was so funny and so inappropriate. Then the sequel came out this year and I really had to battle going to see it, even though I know it was not something I needed to see, I really wanted to see it. To make matters worse, there was this new show called the Bachelor Pad where they put the most drama filled contestants from past seasons of the Bachelor/Bachelorette in a house together and they compete for money or something like that. It’s taken everything in me not to watch it on my computer. Anyway, it’s the spirit of the age and it’s so enticing. I’m not exaggerating when I say there’s literal darkness in this whole vampire obsession. And it’s only going to get worse.

During FITN I had this really disturbing dream 2 nights in a row. In the dream I was chasing after this woman and I was asking her for a kiss. She kept promising me she would kiss me if I would follow her. So I kept following her around and every time I would get to a new spot and ask for a kiss she would just move to another spot and I would follow her. Each time the place got progressively darker. There was not anything particularly pretty about the woman but for whatever reason I was just drawn to her, almost as if under a spell. So the first morning I woke up and I was super disturbed. I had never had a dream like that before and I was so confused and it really bothered me. I didn’t tell anyone either because I thought there was something weird with me. Then the next night I had the exact same dream, only this time right before I woke up I heard a voice speak the phrase, “beware the harlot Babylon. Flee the harlot Babylon!” This time when I woke up I understood what the dream was about. Dreams are mostly symbolic and it had nothing to do with the fact that it was a woman. According to the Bible, the spirit of the age is going to turn into this worldwide religion of tolerance where people think they can do whatever they want and fulfill all their desires and longings and there will be no consequences and Jesus calls it the Harlot Babylon. It is actually very clear in scripture that in the last days, people who proclaim to be Christian, and most actually are, will fall away because they will be swept up into this harlot religion of tolerance. “She” is personified as a woman in the book of Revelation. Therefore it was personified as a woman in my dream. I was really disturbed by how easily I was under her spell. I was instantly drawn to her and progressively throughout the dream it just became easier and easier to follow her. And I actually wanted to follow her. It was right after this that I felt like the Lord revealed the spirit of lust thing. At first I was like come on God it’s just TV and movies. Is it really that bad? I mean it’s all imaginary anyway right? But over the past several months I feel like He has opened up my eyes to see yeah as a matter of fact it is that bad and if I don’t cut it off now, I’m going to continue to be drawn deeper and deeper into the darkness. And movies are getting pretty fascinating these days with all the 3D and everything. I watched Avatar and I thought it was a really good movie. It had a little bit of everything for everyone. There was some romance along with an epic battle with martyrdom where men gave their life fighting for what they believed in. And it was visually stunning. Then I was house sitting for a friend right before I moved to KC and she had one of those awesome movie theater rooms and a friend came over and we watched it again in there on the big screen. It blew me away! I can only imagine what it was like in 3D in the real movie theater. But the thing is, it’s all fantasy. It entertains for 2 hours but then it’s over and you get back to reality. Now all of this seems intense and please hear me. I’m not saying movies and TV are ultimately evil. I saw Toy Story 3 over the summer and it was so cute! It was a really good movie and there was nothing inappropriate in it. I’m just learning that I need to start being careful what I put before my eyes. I was talking to one of my friends before I left and just telling him a little about what I was noticing with TV and he was telling me that he had started noticing it now too because now he was responsible for a little girl and her eyes and ears. He would have never noticed most of the stuff except that he now has a parent filter that he didn’t have before and it’s really opened his eyes. I invite you to do an experiment like I did and see if you don’t notice stuff you never noticed before.

So where has all this left me? In a search for truth, life and reality. Our lives are boring and mundane and we will do anything to try to entertain ourselves out of the boredom. This looks different for different people but we all have the same basic problem. Our lives are spent trying to cure the boredom. So I’ve really been seeking the Lord on what it looks like to live. I mean really live life. The Bible says Jesus wants us to have life and life abundantly and somehow I don’t think that means spending every Saturday night in the movie theater. So what did He mean? What does a dating relationship look like when our society’s typical date is dinner and a movie? They didn’t have TV and a couch to cuddle and watch a movie when Jesus was around. What was His original design for how a man and woman court each other? What are they supposed to spend their time doing? How about when they get married? What does a Godly married life look like? I don’t mean relationally. I mean how do we spend our time? Then what about after a few years and we have a family? What does “life” look like? I’ve been thinking a lot about how I spend my time lately and how most people would think me sitting in a prayer room for hours on end is a waste of my life. In the Bible Mary spent all of her time at Jesus’ feet and He told her that she had chosen the better part and that it would not be taken away from her. Now the truth is I could be celibate and never get married or have a family and be in the prayer room for as many hours in the day that I was not sleeping and the Lord would say it was a quality life and He would bless it. And that’s totally fine for me right now as a single chick. However it is my desire to get married and have a family so I don’t forsee that being how I will spend all my time in the future. My schedule as a student is crazy ridiculous and I have like no free time. Which works really well for this season of my life. I don’t have time to watch TV and any time that I do have where I would do something like that I can fill with studying my notes or doing my homework or reading assignments. One day when we die, each of us is going to stand before God and give an account of our lives and the way we spent our time. I cringe now just thinking about how many hours I have wasted in front of the tube or playing on the internet. I don’t want to be standing there with nothing to show for how I spent my 80 years. I’m going to take advantage of this season and really press into the Lord and seek Him on what it looks like to LIVE. What if cutting out all that other stuff really opens me up to true life? What if I finally come out of fantasyland and find real life?

The Lord is So Good...and I'm Starting to Think He Actually LIkes Me

I know this one is long overdue. My schedule has been so crazy since school started and I have had like no free time so today is the first day I can really sit down and collect my thoughts. I am so glad that I am here! Everyday I just continue to be more and more grateful that the Lord brought me here and to see what He’s doing. School is surprisingly going really well. We have weekly quizzes and so far I’ve only missed like 1 or 2 on each quiz. Turns out I actually understand and remember what I am learning! Praise God! This semester of class is actually a lot of review from FITN but it’s still good to get the repetition in me. So not much to report on school except that I love it!

I go to this certain set on Saturday because it’s a devotional which basically just means one person on the piano or guitar instead of an entire team of singers and instruments. It’s my favorite set and even when I was home I would listen to it every week. Anyway, for whatever reason the Lord really likes to speak to me through this particular singer. Maybe it’s because I have expectation when I go because He’s spoken through her so many times before. I dunno. So a couple of Saturdays ago I woke up and I had just had a rough night. When I first got here I was having a lot of nightmares and that night had been really bad. So when I woke up I said Lord I just need to hear from you today. I need you to speak to me through the devotional. I need truth! I am desperate for truth! Please no more lies. Well I went to the set and boy did He deliver. I actually went back and listened to it several more times after the fact because I wanted to journal it all down and then I copied it on here. So this is what He spoke to my heart that Saturday:

You’ve been searching for the point of life. You’ve been wondering if there’s more to this routine. You’re prone to boredom and you hate the mundane. You’ve been wondering if there’s more for your life. You’ve been wondering if your life has a meaning bigger than the meaning that’s already branded on you and you’ve been wondering if there’s more than what men say of you. But I am here to stop this whole entire room and I would gladly stop the entire world to tell you- there’s more to you. I hear the Lord say you have a noble heart. You have a lover’s heart and there’s something about the way of the cross. The Lord wants to give you the way of the cross. Something inside of you wants to give it all away for the sake of love. You have a heart not of this world. The Lord says I’m gonna give you a revelation of the way of the cross and no one who’s running in your circle is really gonna understand it. But I’m gonna give you a revelation of the life of the cross and no one in your family’s gonna understand it. I’m gonna give you a revelation of a lifestyle unfamiliar in this world, but I’m gonna give you a revelation my beloved one. You have a great great heart and I have a great great idea for you. It’s upside down from the standard of the world. If you’re willing I will take you there. Just look at me.

Then she sang a couple of songs and then this part came next:

Say goodbye to all those other lovers and run to me. Just come to me. Rend your heart. It’s ok to cry when you tear your heart at times. There’s a painful part of leaving it all behind. It’s the painful part of the cross. But I’m gonna be worth it all. Lonely at times is the path that leads to life and a broken heart will lead to the fullness. I said it would tear and at times you feel you’re ripping your own heart in two. But I’m worth it all. My love is better than the love of any man and my love is stronger than, it’s stronger than and my love will go deeper than the love of any friend though I realize there’s a moment of emptiness and pain. And listen, it’s ok to cry. I will meet you in the ache and I will cry with you. I know the lonely road and I will meet you on the path that leads to life and I will meet you. You did not make a mistake. I have something so much better for you than that. Even though what you leave behind was the best you’d ever had. But listen my beloved. Jealous is my name. I am jealous for you and sometimes there’s a pain in even being exclusive. But I’m the kind of love that won’t share you with another. I don’t want you for another. You are mine. You said you wanted to be mine but did you really mean you wanted to be mine? All mine? I am jealous for you. Easier said than done but I will meet you in the ache and I will make your heart come alive when you just learn to die. Commit your heart to me and I will give you something better than that even though what you’re leaving behind is the best you’d ever had. I have something better than that, even better than that. I won’t leave you alone and ashamed, for no one who waits will ever be put to shame. Wait, I say wait on the Lord. Just when the world tells you to do it for yourself, to make yourself happy, whatever makes you feel good they’ll say. But my way is better than that. Don’t do it only for yourself. I have a selfless way for you. Just take your cross and die daily to yourself. There is no other way to love. It is the voice of the bridegroom. If you love your father, mother more than you love me, you’re not worthy of me. Your brother, sister, your lover more than me, you’re not worthy of me. But come to me all who long to be whole-hearted, looking for a romance out of this world that lasts forever, come to me.
Then after she sang, she prayed: God I ask that you would set us apart. That you would come and put your hand on our hearts. Lord even on the broken hearts, the lonely hearts. Those specifically, who are choosing to tear their hearts, that you yourself would comfort. That you would satisfy. More than a reaching, more than a longing. Come and satisfy us Lord. Your love is better than wine. Let it be oh God. Let us experience the satisfaction of your love.

So yeah… (That’s me being totally unsure of how to respond to that, but since I sobbed for like the entire 2 hours, I know that it was the Lord singing straight to my heart through her)

The awakenings have been interesting again. I really didn’t want to go and since it’s part of our schedule I have to go every Thursday, Friday and Saturday. But something seems to be changing. I am actually starting to feel the presence of the Lord! It’s very slight. When I stand up and sing or when I’m standing up for prayer, I normally sway side to side but ever since I came back here, while I’m swaying side to side I start swaying back and forth at the same time. I never feel like I’m going to fall backwards or anything, but I feel very wobbly and pretty shaky. So of course the first place I go is that’s just my imagination. You just wanna feel the Lord so bad that you’re making yourself think that you are. So I kinda squashed it a little. But then this past Thursday someone prayed for me and it was soo good! She said a lot but the main part she said was don’t think because you’re not falling over that I’m not touching you. I have you in the deep water where you don’t get knocked down and I’m washing over you. Then fast forward to the awakening that same night and another random lady prayed for me and she said she saw a picture of me in a hot tub filled with perfumes and oils and I was just resting in it and soaking in it. (6 months of beauty treatments...and how appropriate that He would have me in a hot tub since I'm always so stinkin cold) But here’s the kicker. Another random lady came and prayed that same night and said she kept getting the verse in Ezekiel 16 and she read it to me:
6"When I passed by you and saw you squirming in your blood, I said to you while you were in your blood, 'Live!' Yes, I said to you while you were in your blood, 'Live!'…8"Then I passed by you and saw you, and behold, you were at the time for love; so I spread My skirt over you and covered your nakedness I also swore to you and entered into a covenant with you so that you became Mine," declares the Lord GOD.

She said I feel like the Lord is showing me that you are that little baby. God is standing you up and just like a baby who’s just learning to stand, your legs are a little wobbly. You’re learning to stand in His love. He had to make you ready for love. He says now she’s ready. So my wobbly legs aren’t my imagination. I really am beginning to feel the presence of the Lord! I keep going up for those alter calls to feel the love of the Lord and it’s gonna happen!