October 31, 2010
I was informed by several people that the dates I post my blogs are not showing up. I tried to figure out why and I think it's just because of the new background I have and I couldn't figure out how to change it so from now on I will be putting the date in all my posts at the beginning. Hope that helps!
So it's been a while since I wrote a blog. I have had a lot happening inside me and in my heart and I think I'm needing some time to process everything. It's all good but I just don't think I have any words to put to it as of yet...so more to come later.
About a month ago, our school leadership informed us that we had the opportunity to go on a mission trip to California. Last year they took the 3rd and 4th year students to Boston and this year they decided to take all years and therefore 1st years such as myself were able to go. To be honest, I was not super excited about the trip. I've only ever been on one mission trip and that was in high school. I don't really count it though because it was more of a service project. We are going like really bare bones and staying in churches and sleeping in sleeping bags and taking charter buses so it's super cheap but it's not included in tuition so we each had to raise $500 in order to go. Now if you've been following my journey with money you will know that this was an instant stumbling block for me. Immediately I was like well I guess I'm not going because I don't have anywhere close to that amount of money just hanging around. Then one day in the prayer room they asked any of the students who were going on the trip to stand up and they wanted to pray for us. Initially I didn't stand but then saw that there were hardly any students in the room at that time so I decided well ok I guess I'll stand but it's not like anyone is going to pray for me anyway. God is so funny. When I stand and actually want prayer, nobody prays. But when I don't want it, everyone prays. I'm not kidding. I was like bombarded with prayer, and intense prayer about my calling and everything. So afterwards I sat down and I said ok God obviously I will take that as a sign you want me to go but you and I both know these funds are basically impossible so if you want me to go then you will have to come up with the money. And I mean I had like little to no faith that He would come through. Isn't that horrible how fast I can go from seeing the miraculous way He provided for me to get here and has continued to provide month after month even though I don't have enough monthly support raised yet to doubting that this time He's not gonna come through? But man did He. I not only was blessed with enough for California, but enough for an entire month of expenses including rent! He is so faithful even when I am basically faithless! He is just so good!! It was also really amazing to hear the God stories of my fellow students of how the Lord provided for them too. Every person who wanted to go got the funds! Now there's a total faith booster =)
So anyway the trip is November 4-November 15 which means I leave on Thursday which came a lot sooner than I expected it to. The school is doing a 21 day fast which started last Sunday so as of today I've been going about a week and then will continue through the end of the FIGHT conference in California. I would really appreciate prayer for grace for this fast as well as just that I would be open to be used however God wants to use me in California. I am excited but also have a lot of fear and anxiety in not really knowing what will happen...I'm sure there will be many stories when I get back. Thanks for the prayers!
Who Will Be a Friend of the Bridegroom? Who Will Be a Friend of the Judge?
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Amy
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This past couple of weeks has been really interesting in just how the Lord was speaking to me. There’s been this new chorus over the past month or so and it goes will you be a friend of the bridegroom? Will you be a friend of the judge? You know I’m all about the bridegroom but I don’t really know that much about the judge. But each time that chorus was sung, I felt my heart wanting more and more to be a friend of the judge. So that has been my prayer probably for about the last 2 weeks. God I want to know you as judge. Make me a friend of the judge! The thing that’s gonna cause people to fall away in the end times is that they are going to see the way that God is judging the earth and since they don’t understand His heart, they are going to be offended at Him and walk away. I don’t fully know what it means to be His friend, but I know I definitely don’t want to be His enemy! We have to read a different book each module and write a book review on it and the current one we read was called Unrelenting Prayer by Bob Sorge. I really loved it because it talked about being persistent in unanswered prayers and not giving up. There was one chapter in there called Restoration and Restitution. This chapter totally transformed my thinking on the way that God answers prayers. Here’s a little snippet from what I thought was the most thought-provoking paragraph:
“Now we’re starting to understand why God bears long with His elect. Is it possible, beloved elect of God, that God has called you to wait upon Him because He wants to exact as much as a sevenfold return from your enemy for the years he has stolen from you? If God had given you immediate justice, you would have simply received restoration. But now, because you have waited this long for justice, you are a candidate for restitution. Could it be that God has not yet avenged you of your adversary because He has more for you in this thing than you’ve ever thought or imagined for yourself? Maybe God hasn’t answered your prayer yet because He likes you. Maybe it’s because He’s chosen you. Maybe it’s because He’s chosen to catapult you onto the same path that the greatest saints of all time have trodden.”
It all comes down to believing that God knows what He’s doing and agreeing that His leadership is perfect and He really does know the best way and the best time that He would get the greatest glory and Jesus would have the pre-eminence! Remember, it’s not really about me at all. (I have to keep reminding myself.)
This past week at chapel, our teacher Shelley gave this great message about friendship with God and how we need to know Him as judge. The judge is the part of God’s character that makes the wrong things right. We have all been hurt. We have all experienced pain in one way or another. She said that we should never compare our pain to another person. There is no scale for pain and everyone is made up differently. Never discount your pain. The day before this message, there was a bunch of girls praying for me and they were so sweet and had good intentions in seeing me set free but at one point it got kind of overwhelming and intense and I asked everyone to stop praying for me. The next day my upstairs roommate, who was one of the ones praying, said that she felt like the Lord wanted her to tell me that He was never going to violate me. She said He says you’ve been violated a lot and He just wants you to know that He is never going to violate you. So often I look at my life and I say you know I’ve had it really good. I was never molested as a child or raped. I never had an abortion. Those girls are the ones that the Lord really needs to deal with. Those are the ones that really need the healing. What I’ve gone through, although I’ve thought it was painful, is nothing compared to those other girls. But herein again lies the problem. I’m comparing myself to others. I cried off and on throughout the message and then she gave an alter call for anyone who had been asking to know God as judge so of course I went up and stood there for a while and then all of a sudden I just got down on my knees and started crying. I don’t usually know why I cry and this time was no different. So I’m just sitting there crying and I felt like the Lord just kept repeating over and over to me. You need a judge Amy. Your pain is real Amy. You heart matters. Your heart is not insignificant. Let me avenge you! And I felt like He was not just talking about physical people that have hurt me, although that’s definitely a part of it, but He’s mainly talking about the way that the enemy has taken what has happened to me and lied to me and he’s the one that has violated my heart more than anyone with his lies. I felt like He showed me that I spend so much time focusing on the bridegroom part of God that I have neglected to get to know Him as judge. And it’s only when I let the judge into the most broken and painful places, that I can really encounter the bridegroom. I have to know Him as judge first before I can truly encounter Him as the bridegroom. So I repented and I asked Him to give me revelation of Him as the judge. I have several great teaching from Shelley that were part of our book list and they are specifically about God as judge so I think I’m going to spend this next GBF (global bridegroom fast) and really delve into what it means that God is a judge. The truth is, that I have really avoided God the judge because I’m scared of Him. I really need greater revelation of the truth of this part of His character. So I just loved how it all came together and I just knew that God was talking to me. I love that I’m actually encountering the voice of God. It’s not always how I thought it was going to sound, but I truly believe that I hear from God and that He speaks to me. That in itself is tremendous breakthrough!
There’s another part in the book that talks about the speedily of God. Sorge says:
“You may wait on God for a long time, but when God finally chooses to act on your behalf, He will act decisively and change everything dramatically and suddenly…The wait doesn’t mean God isn’t going to answer; it simply means He wants you to contend for far more than you were initially asking for. Beloved now is the time to contend for the supernatural! We must gives ourselves to unrelenting prayer, without losing heart, until we uncover the speedily of God.”
I feel like that is what is happening during this season. He is choosing to break in finally. He said that He has an agenda for this season and it’s inner healing for my heart. My heart matters. I’m starting to hear Him and I’m starting to feel Him. He is beginning to break in. And if this is true that it’s going to be speedily, I better buckle my seatbelt!
“Now we’re starting to understand why God bears long with His elect. Is it possible, beloved elect of God, that God has called you to wait upon Him because He wants to exact as much as a sevenfold return from your enemy for the years he has stolen from you? If God had given you immediate justice, you would have simply received restoration. But now, because you have waited this long for justice, you are a candidate for restitution. Could it be that God has not yet avenged you of your adversary because He has more for you in this thing than you’ve ever thought or imagined for yourself? Maybe God hasn’t answered your prayer yet because He likes you. Maybe it’s because He’s chosen you. Maybe it’s because He’s chosen to catapult you onto the same path that the greatest saints of all time have trodden.”
It all comes down to believing that God knows what He’s doing and agreeing that His leadership is perfect and He really does know the best way and the best time that He would get the greatest glory and Jesus would have the pre-eminence! Remember, it’s not really about me at all. (I have to keep reminding myself.)
This past week at chapel, our teacher Shelley gave this great message about friendship with God and how we need to know Him as judge. The judge is the part of God’s character that makes the wrong things right. We have all been hurt. We have all experienced pain in one way or another. She said that we should never compare our pain to another person. There is no scale for pain and everyone is made up differently. Never discount your pain. The day before this message, there was a bunch of girls praying for me and they were so sweet and had good intentions in seeing me set free but at one point it got kind of overwhelming and intense and I asked everyone to stop praying for me. The next day my upstairs roommate, who was one of the ones praying, said that she felt like the Lord wanted her to tell me that He was never going to violate me. She said He says you’ve been violated a lot and He just wants you to know that He is never going to violate you. So often I look at my life and I say you know I’ve had it really good. I was never molested as a child or raped. I never had an abortion. Those girls are the ones that the Lord really needs to deal with. Those are the ones that really need the healing. What I’ve gone through, although I’ve thought it was painful, is nothing compared to those other girls. But herein again lies the problem. I’m comparing myself to others. I cried off and on throughout the message and then she gave an alter call for anyone who had been asking to know God as judge so of course I went up and stood there for a while and then all of a sudden I just got down on my knees and started crying. I don’t usually know why I cry and this time was no different. So I’m just sitting there crying and I felt like the Lord just kept repeating over and over to me. You need a judge Amy. Your pain is real Amy. You heart matters. Your heart is not insignificant. Let me avenge you! And I felt like He was not just talking about physical people that have hurt me, although that’s definitely a part of it, but He’s mainly talking about the way that the enemy has taken what has happened to me and lied to me and he’s the one that has violated my heart more than anyone with his lies. I felt like He showed me that I spend so much time focusing on the bridegroom part of God that I have neglected to get to know Him as judge. And it’s only when I let the judge into the most broken and painful places, that I can really encounter the bridegroom. I have to know Him as judge first before I can truly encounter Him as the bridegroom. So I repented and I asked Him to give me revelation of Him as the judge. I have several great teaching from Shelley that were part of our book list and they are specifically about God as judge so I think I’m going to spend this next GBF (global bridegroom fast) and really delve into what it means that God is a judge. The truth is, that I have really avoided God the judge because I’m scared of Him. I really need greater revelation of the truth of this part of His character. So I just loved how it all came together and I just knew that God was talking to me. I love that I’m actually encountering the voice of God. It’s not always how I thought it was going to sound, but I truly believe that I hear from God and that He speaks to me. That in itself is tremendous breakthrough!
There’s another part in the book that talks about the speedily of God. Sorge says:
“You may wait on God for a long time, but when God finally chooses to act on your behalf, He will act decisively and change everything dramatically and suddenly…The wait doesn’t mean God isn’t going to answer; it simply means He wants you to contend for far more than you were initially asking for. Beloved now is the time to contend for the supernatural! We must gives ourselves to unrelenting prayer, without losing heart, until we uncover the speedily of God.”
I feel like that is what is happening during this season. He is choosing to break in finally. He said that He has an agenda for this season and it’s inner healing for my heart. My heart matters. I’m starting to hear Him and I’m starting to feel Him. He is beginning to break in. And if this is true that it’s going to be speedily, I better buckle my seatbelt!
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