11/11/11 The Call Detroit

December 6, 2011

Sorry it’s taken me so long to write an update on The Call. This semester has been crazy but I finally had a free moment tonight. First of all thank you to everyone who supported me financially for this trip. The Lord is so good! He provided above and beyond what I actually needed for the trip and again I got to experience His faithfulness to me through ya’ll. But then, right before we left we found out that The Call was actually going to pay for our gas so the trip ended up being only $30. Isn’t God amazing? So we left Thursday after class and we drove like 13 hours to get to Detroit. The car ride was really fun because since we were in the car for so long we were all able to hear eachother’s stories and journeys with the Lord. I feel like that always brings people closer. So the drive up there was fun but we didn’t get into Detroit until about 10 A.M. Now mind you, we have all been awake at this point since 2 P.M. the day before so needless to say that was a little rough. So we tried to go to bed as soon as we got there but everyone had to do all the before bedtime stuff so we didn’t get to sleep until nearly noon. Then we had to be up at 3 P.M. for breakfast and to get ready for The Call to be there by 6. Let’s just say going off 3 hours of sleep is not the best.

We got to Ford Field about 6 P.M. and were given our service assignment. We were to count the offering but we didn’t need to be back in that room until 9 P.M. so we all got to go out and participate in the prayer and worship until then. That was nice. Then at 9 P.M. we were taken to this tiny room in the basement to count the money. They came in with trash bags full of the offering and dumped them on our tables. I had never counted an offering before but you quickly get into a flow and we were like a well-oiled machine. We were sad to be in there for so long missing so much of the meeting but there was a small T.V. in there so we were kinda able to participate in what was going on in the main room. One of my favorite parts of the night happened during this time though. We were almost done counting out all the money and one of our nightwatch worship leaders, who also happens to be a student, took the stage and started singing one of her amazing songs. Immediately we all just wanted to be in the main room worshipping but we knew we had to finish our service assignment. After all, that was one of the main reasons we went, to serve. So she started singing one of her amazing songs and all of a sudden on the chorus, the entire room just bursts out and starts singing along while we were counting the money. Maybe you had to be there to understand how sweet the moment was, but I know we all felt it. We were worshipping while serving and I think the Lord was really moved by it!

At midnight we finished the offering and were able to go back out to the main room and do what we were there to do- strengthen the nightwatch. This was the first one that was 24 hours and that was the main reason we as students were able to go. Because we pray in the middle of the night. It was starting to dwindle down so I decided to go down on the field. Worship was really good and since there was so much space on the floor I got down on my knees and worshiped the Lord like I always see myself doing when I close my eyes and worship. While I was doing this my mind started to roam and I got to thinking about the first Call that I went to. It was 7/7/07 in Nashville and I had probably only been walking with the Lord maybe a little over a year at that point. Anyway, I was remembering how I was so afraid to leave my group of people and I didn’t really know what was going on the whole time. I was just struck with how different this time was. Here I was on the floor of the field completely by myself and not worried about the other people around me. I was content to just be in the moment loving on the Lord. Then I told the Lord, look how far we’ve come God!

Well about 30 minutes later I get a text and it says come down to the front of the auditorium because we are going to go backstage. I thought that was a little weird but I gathered some of the other students that were around me and we all walked the gate. Once we got near the stage we were all just trying to figure out what was going on. Nobody knew what was happening. Then all of a sudden, we found out we were going on stage and we were literally herded up there like less than a minute later. It was probably the most surreal thing that I’ve ever experienced. We must have all looked like deer in the headlights. Looking back now it was really funny, but in the moment not so much. Our nightwatch leader Stuart was on stage leading the prayer meeting and I was desperately trying to read his lips when he was talking to people to figure out what was going on. All of a sudden I hear him go- rapid fire! I thought you have got to be kidding me? We’re actually on stage and gonna pray on the mic? I said Lord you are so funny! I was just telling you look how far we’ve come and now I’m on stage? And gonna pray in front of thousands, even millions of people since it’s webstreamed? I don’t even pray on the mic in the prayer room. So Stuart does the first 10 people and then I thought we were done but he did another round. There wasn’t really any rhyme or reason to how people were going to mic since we were all just kinda in a clump so I was negotiating with the Lord while I was watching everything. I told Him ok if you really want me to pray I will, but only if Stuart beckons me over. So a couple of people went and then lo and behold, Stuart beckoned me. So I went forward and I prayed on the mic! Me! I prayed on the mic on stage at The Call. Now you tell me God doesn’t have a sense of humor. Then we were on the stage for probably like 20 or 30 minutes then we got to go down and go back to our places in the room. As it turns out there had been some miscommunication between leadership on what it actually looked like to lead the nightwatch. One leader thought that we were there and doing what we normally do in the prayer room, just at Ford Field. Apparently Stuart’s idea of us leading the nightwatch meant we prayed on stage. Either way, it was definitely a memorable experience.

From then on we just prayed and worshipped through the night and went home at 6 A.M. and went to bed to get plenty of sleep for our drive back. It was a short trip but we did what we were asked to do. We served and we strengthened the nightwatch. It was really special too because it was just the nightwatch students that got to go. In the past, we have apparently missed out on trips specifically because of the nature of the nightwatch, but this time we actually got to go just us, because of the nature of the nightwatch.

Overall I really enjoyed the trip. It was much like the California Blitz I went on back in November where you really have an opportunity to hang out with fellow students and you just bond. We all had a good time and came home more in love with each other. Success =)

My God is a Provider!

October 17, 2011

Thank you to everyone who made time to see me when I came home in August. It made me feel really loved. The Lord is so Good! I can not even begin to tell you how God has broken into my finances….but I will try. So last month I told you that the Lord gave me 2 jobs! He is so kind. I had just started working with the CEC on the nightwatch and after only about a month of volunteering there, the lady in charge asked me if I would be interested in some more responsibility and told me about a job opening that had just come available. She is over all the nightwatch CEC and then under her she has 2 nightly coordinators who take turns different nights of the week and go in 30 minutes earlier and unlock the classroom doors. Then you have to go between shifts and make sure the teachers got there and if they didn’t show up, you have to go find replacements. Then at the end of the night, you close it all down a nd make sure all the doors get locked, etc. You are also a lead teacher in the classrooms. So there’s 10 hours of classroom teaching and then 6 hours of admin, like making copies and such. So I told her I would pray about it and then she said and oh yeah you would get paid. So I didn’t have to pray long. Basically I am now getting paid to do exactly the same thing I was doing as a volunteer. It’s not quite enough to cover my monthly expenses, but it certainly helps a bunch. Then the other job is I started tutoring with a company and right now I have a client that 1 do 4 hours a week and it works great for my schedule right now because I can do it between class and the prayer room. It doesn’t get any better than that!

I started my 2^nd year of FSM a few days after I got back to Kansas City. Thanks for your prayers!! About a week after I sent out my newsletter, I received news that my church back home was going to pay for another semester of FSM!!! Such a blessing! Classes have started and this year is already way more intense than last. Last year was more like heart classes and I didn’t even feel like I was in school. This year, I am definitely aware that I am in a Bible college. We have a class called Biblical Hermeneutics (which is basically just a fancy word for Bible study) and then we have Old Testament Survey, which basically the teacher walks us through the whole Old Testament. I was super overwhelmed for probably the first 2 weeks when classes started, but now that I’ve had some time to sit down and figure my schedule out better, I am doing better because I have set times for homework which helps me to be productive. The classes aren’t necessarily hard, but they are super time consuming and there is a lot more work outside of class so I will have to work much harder this semester than last. Also, tutoring takes a large portion of my time. I do it 6:30-8:30 twice a week so I just have a lot less free time than I did last year.

And here again I see the Lord’s perfect leadership in my life. You know how I said last month I didn’t understand why God wouldn’t let me work all summer and why I had so much free time? Well I quickly figured out it’s because He knew what this semester was going to be like. He was so kind to give me several months where I had a bunch of free time to just relax and read whatever I wanted. There’s not much time for that right now. Any free time that I have is basically taken up with homework. I am even having to spend some of my prayer room time working on homework. This is not my favorite part but He is definitely giving me grace for this season.

IHOP just celebrated its 12^th anniversary of 24/7 worship and intercession. It’s so funny to think that I was here during the 10^th anniversary when I was in FITN. It was cool to hear the stories of how it started and the different things that God has spoken to Mike over the years leading up to it. It helps to constantly be reminded of why I chose to do what I do. A couple weeks ago leadership told us that they are going to do a 21 day fast and encouraged as many of us as wanted to also join. As much as I don’t really like to fast, I get really excited when corporate fasts are called because to me that says that God is up to something and I just want to be wherever God is moving. So please pray for grace for me. The fast is September 29- October 19 and I have just done really poorly fasting lately so I will need all the help I can get.

This part is really exciting. I have some God stories to share! Over the summer my roommate did a speech fast, which means she chose not to speak for a set time period each week. This sparked my curiosity and so I wanted to see what the Bible says about talking/speech. God is actually very clear about what He feels about meaningless chatter and idle speech. I will leave it to you to do your own Bible study. Anyway, one day over the summer I was volunteering at the Fascinate conference which is the high school aged one. I was in the shuttle line waiting for the shuttle and there was a conversation going on behind me about stevia and artificial sweeteners and how one was so much better than another. I remember thinking to myself, what is the point of this conversation? Anyway when I got on the bus I was just talking to God and asking Him about the spirit of prophecy and telling Him that I wanted my heart to be on fire and I wanted Him to use me to speak truth to people’s hearts and I was wondering if keeping my mouth closed instead of joining the others in conversation or starting a conversation with someone next to me would actually make a difference. I asked but I didn’t hear Him talk back. I chose to just keep quiet and not join the conversation. When I got to the convention center, I went to my assigned seat and put my stuff down. There was a lady usher who was sitting in the chair behind me and I smiled and said hi. She started a conversation with me and I found out that she was just visiting from California and had been at IHOP a couple of weeks and was going to be for about a month just to kind of get refreshed and spend some time talking to God and seeking Him for her next season of life. I am my father’s daughter so I am usually pretty early to everything so there was actually about an hour before the conference session started. As we were talking, I really felt like I was supposed to pray for her so I asked her if I could. At first she said no, she was very picky about who she let pray for her. So we continued to chat for a little while and then she told me if I still wanted to pray then I could. So I sat down next to her and I began to pray for her. I had only been praying for a couple of minutes when all of a sudden, she just starts sobbing. I had no idea if what I was praying was good or not, but usually tears mean you are hearing the Lord. So I continued to pray for her until the conference started and then I walked back to my seat and she continued to sit there. A little while into worship, she got up and came and gave me a big hug with tears still in her eyes and she thanked me for praying for her. She said as I was praying, she felt like the Lord just came and took a huge vacuum cleaner and sucked all of the junk out of her. She felt like a new person. I couldn’t help but laugh at the Lord’s timing. He didn’t even wait. As soon as I got off the bus and walked into that place He chose to use me, because I had chosen to keep my mouth closed and talk to Him. He put fire on my words, because I chose to keep my mouth shut.

Here’s another cool God story! A couple of months back I had told one of my supporters that I was a little short of support and asked if she would pray for the Lord to meet my needs. I didn’t think anything of it and then the next month when she sent me my support check, it had an added amount and it was the amount I had told her I was short. I thought oh that’s so sweet, she had some extra money that month and knew I had a need. So I decided to send her a thank you card and I asked the Lord for a verse for her to encourage her and then I mailed off the card. Well about a week later I got an email from her and she said that I needed to thank her husband for the extra support. She told me she never tells him that kind of stuff and she did not share my need. Then one day he came to her and said I think we need to send your girl at IHOP some extra money this month. So she said ok just let me know how much to write the check for and he was the one that came up with the amount! Isn’t that awesome? He doesn’t even know me, except through his wife, and he had no idea of what I needed and the Lord spoke to him my exact amount. Plus on top of that, she said that the word I got from the Lord was like dead on and encouraged me that I absolutely hear from God. When I read the email it encouraged my heart so much!

Breakthrough...It's Gradual But I'm Still Grateful

June 13, 2011

As of July, I will have officially been in Kansas City a year! Does that seem crazy to anyone else? It’s been a while since I wrote on here so let me do a quick update on my life for ya’ll. My roommate and I moved out of the basement and upstairs into the regular part of the house in April. It has been such a dramatic change! I wasn’t like depressed or anything in the basement, but since moving upstairs, I have noticed a huge change in my attitude and general well-being. It’s amazing what a little sunshine and fresh air can do for a person. I am officially on my summer break, but honestly there’s not a whole lot that has changed in my schedule. The dude that leads the nightwatch students put a lot of things in place that will help us stay focused and help our hearts to stay burning over the summer, instead of becoming dull and losing ground. I have found the spiritual principle to be true that if you are not moving forward, you are losing ground. There is no standing still, and given the time we are living in, quite honestly we just don’t have time to lose ground. I am super grateful for his leadership and how it is keeping me focused. I am still on nights and I am in the process of trying to find a summer job. I have put in many applications and have as of yet been pretty unfruitful. It’s hard to find a job that will work with the nightwatch schedule. So prayers for that would be awesome. I have started working in the nightwatch children’s equipping center (CEC)! It is so much fun and it’s nice to be putting my gift of teaching in use again. I started last month and I do it twice a week. One night I work with 1s and 2s and the other night I do the 3-5 year olds. I am definitely being stretched in the babies room because I just don’t have a lot of experience with babies, but it is definitely a good stretching. I don’t care what age. I just love to teach kids about Jesus! As the school year ended, I prayed and sought the Lord about next year and what it looked like and I feel like it looks like doing another year at FSM so as of right now that is my plan. I am absolutely loving school and I know that I know that I know that I am where I am supposed to be and doing exactly what the Lord wants me to do for this season of my life.

OK so on to the important stuff. What is God teaching me? This quarter I had 2 classes: Song of Solomon with Shelley Hundley and Eternal Glory of an Intercessor with Corey Russell. I was the most excited about Eternal Glory because everyone that has taken it has said it rocked their world. My world was absolutely rocked!

I didn’t really know how I felt about Song of Solomon because quite frankly I kinda think of myself as an expert on the book. Going into the class I was very prideful and kinda had an attitude of I know it all already, what else can I possibly learn? And honestly I do know a lot about Song of Solomon. I have read all Mike’s notes and listened to the teachings, I have read books about it, and basically anything I could get my hands on related to us as the church being the Bride of Christ I was all over it. I mean my friends know me as the Song of Solomon girl. The beginning of class was honestly pretty boring because she really just went over Mike’s notes again, which I had studied on my own before, during, as well as after Fire in the night. I can tell you all the breakdowns of the 8 chapters and what’s going on with the bride in each season and what she is doing or not doing and what God is doing or not doing. But when it really comes down to it, none of that matters if it’s just head knowledge. I want heart knowledge, experiential knowledge! One of my teachers has a saying that goes somewhat to the effect of you may know the Bible, but does the Bible know you? I know Song of Solomon, but sadly I’ve realized, it just doesn’t know me yet. We had to do several assignments where we actually had to go really deep into the book and I came out with one conclusion. I did not know near as much as I thought I did. In fact, after this class I feel like I know less than I did going in. Which of course has left me very frustrated. I see growth in so many areas of my life and in my walk with God, but there are still things that I have been crying out for for years and for whatever reason He is just choosing not to answer just yet. You know how when people pass you in the hall and ask you how are you? I feel like I never know how to answer that question. Circumstantially my life is great and I love my friends and school and the prayer room and Kansas City. But at the same time I am just not ok. I keep trying to put into words exactly what it is that I want from God and I just don’t know if I can articulate it. I want Him to make it real to my heart. I want to believe that everything I’m learning and what I am reading about in the Bible is actually true for me today. I want to know that He actually wants me as much as I want Him. Now you all know that I want a hug from God and I want Him to hold me until I believe He loves me, but at the same time I don’t want to control Him and He can manifest Himself to me in whatever way He wants…just so long as He comes! I want Him to manifest His presence on my heart. If you pray only one thing for me, make it that. So I’m good but at the same time until Jesus makes Himself real to my heart, I am just not ok. My hunger and longing has only multiplied this semester and when people have prayed for me they say it’s a season where God is enlarging my capacity to receive His love. That’s great and all I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, but how much longer? Isn’t my capacity large enough yet? What is He waiting for? One poor unsuspecting guy prayed for more hunger for me and I actually yelled at him and then told God not to give me anymore if He wasn’t going to answer it. Of course I later apologized to the guy and he was really understanding. Several months back one of the students got a word for me and she said that the Lord was getting ready to take me into a season where He wanted to tell me that I am His beloved and He wanted me to feel His love on my heart. At first I got so excited and had a huge expectation that it was coming soon, but that was months ago. I’m still clinging to the promise but I am so weary of believing it may happen and then being let down when it doesn’t. I mean I am asking God for the same thing I was asking Him for before I even moved here. Granted I know in comparison to some people who have been interceding for way longer that seems like nothing but to me 3 or 4 years is an eternity. A couple weeks back I went up for an alter call and the girl asked me what I wanted prayer for and I told her and as I was talking I just burst into tears and couldn’t contain them. She was so sweet and sincere and filled with compassion and all she said was Oh, you’re lovesick! To which I just burst out into more tears. Not that I needed to be validated but sometimes I wonder what is this that I feel and she basically put it into words for me. So that’s what it comes down to. I am lovesick. Nothing will satisfy me until He comes and I am not ok until He comes. I need Jesus.

On a super encouraging note, this semester it has also been interesting to actually see how God has been answering my prayers and actually experience personal change and growth in myself. I have loved being a nightwatch student. I daily wrestle with the constant nagging fear of “missing out” by being on nights, but when it comes down to it, the positives far outweigh the negatives. Anyway we had about 60 students total on nightwatch this year and about a third of those were first years like me. Every morning from 3-4 AM we would gather in a side room and we would pray together for IHOPU. Praying together really does bind your hearts and bring you together in unity. We have really become like a little family and it has been so awesome. We have also done a lot of group hang-outs outside of the prayer room that were non-school related. On top of that, I am getting connected to other nightwatchers through some of my other friends on nights. Basically I am finally meeting people outside of the prayer room and hanging out in group settings. Now to some of you this probably doesn’t seem like a huge deal, but the other day I was thinking about it and I realized how big of a deal it actually is. I got to thinking about growing up, even in high school and college and how I would hate to be in new situations where I didn’t really know anyone. If I was placed in those situations, I would pretty much just stay off to the side and hope someone would talk to me or cling to the few people I may know there. The other night I was at a game night where I actually only knew 2 girls. Over the course of the night I met several new people, mostly guys, and really had a lot of fun. That night when I got home I was thinking back over the night and analyzing myself (still working on this…baby steps) but I think it was a good analyzing because I came to the conclusion that I am actually starting to have confidence in who I am and I am able to be myself in a new context with strangers without worrying what they are thinking about me and I feel like that in itself is huge breakthrough. I’m starting to see that maybe I am actually catching on to some of this identity stuff I keep asking the Lord to tell me about. It appears that He actually is answering my prayers to root me and ground me in my identity in Him. Turns out sitting in a gray chair 6 hours a night singing and talking to Jesus really is making a difference. Prayer really is working!

There’s Something Bigger Going On…There’s Someone Bigger Than Me…He’s HOLY!

March 12, 2011

This week is spring break! However you would not be able to tell it by the weather. I am so done with winter. I slipped and fell on the ice 3 times in the past month. I have had some gnarly bruises. (Yes that is an interesting word choice but I could not think of another that would do it justice) Once I fell down my stairs and the others I slipped on the sidewalk. I felt like an 80 year old lady. I was sore for several days after but luckily I did not break a hip. =P I mean the snow was cool to see and play in once but that’s all I needed and then I’m totally cool to move on with things. I cannot wait until I get to wear tank tops and flip flops again.

I am going to be moving next month. Not far though- just upstairs. The landlady bought a new house and she and the chick upstairs are going to be moving there. So she offered me and my roommate to move upstairs. My rent won’t change or anything and I won’t have to live in a basement. We will have a full kitchen with a dishwasher and garbage disposal, which we do not have down here. Plus we won’t have to buy any furniture because our lease is for a furnished apartment so she’s either going to move up what’s down here in the basement with us, or if it won’t fit, buy us new stuff. Pretty much a win-win. Although I’m not super excited about moving my furniture upstairs but it shouldn’t be too bad. She moves the first week of April so we will move shortly after that. Plus she doesn’t have time to pack so she’s going to give me $10/hr to pack up her stuff. Praise the Lamb!

I moved back to the nightwatch this semester. I love nights and I was so excited to go back but when it came time to actually make the decision, I actually questioned it a lot. My main fear was that I was going to miss out on getting to know the daytime students better since our schedules would be so different. There’s like 300 first year students and while I know faces pretty well, I haven’t really had a chance to really meet people and talk to them. (Partly due to my own shyness) So I was basically afraid I wasn’t going to get to know people because I would be hidden on the nightwatch. So that first night I found out I could go back on nights I went to bed and I was still pretty unsure if I really was going to do it or not. However, that night I got woken up twice, once at 2:00 A.M. and then again at 4:30 A.M. This had never happened before. I woke up out of a dead sleep and was worshiping in my bed. I didn’t wake up and then start singing. No I woke up because I was singing! I mean I had hands up in the air and everything. Both times! It was the most bizarre thing. I was really hot and threw my covers off both times and I think it was the fire of the Lord. I didn’t “feel” the presence of God or hear or see anything but something was definitely going on. So needless to say, I took that as confirmation to go back on nights. I was telling one of my friends what happened and she felt like the Lord showed her that Him waking me up twice meant I was going to get a double portion if I chose nights. So I receive it! So it’s definitely been a battle, but when it comes down to it, I am wired for the nights. If God wants to hide me there then He can.

Ok now on to the important stuff. What is God doing? Isn’t that the million dollar question? This semester has felt like a whirlwind. This quarter my classes were Excellencies of Christ with Allen Hood and Foundations of Prophetic Ministry with Shelley Hundley. The winter has been crazy and we have had some intense snow storms and a lot of our classes actually got cancelled so I kinda feel jipped. Like for instance, Allen’s class has 3 sessions on the cross of Jesus alone and we didn’t get to any of them. But we just found out that we are going to get recordings of all the classes we missed so it’s not all bad. The Holy Spirit has definitely been doing some interesting stuff. Probably about 2 weeks ago, Holy Spirit showed up in Allen’s class. His session was supposed to be on the zeal of the Lord. He only got like one sentence into his teaching and then he stopped and said “I feel the jealousy of the Lord over this class.” Then he launched into an exhortation to the students that if anyone was living a double life in sexual immorality or carousing and getting drunk that they needed to rethink what they were doing. After that he tried to go back to teaching and he stopped and said he felt like if he continued with his lesson, God was going to strike him down. He had never felt the fear of the Lord like that and he felt like he had to continue in the same vain. Then all of a sudden Shelley was on the stage telling her dream the turn word again, which we as first years have heard like 3 times at least so I think she must have felt it was really important to share it again. So the class basically just got hit with the spirit of the fear of the Lord and went into a time of confession and repentance. Then that same week it happened in the prophecy class and whatever Shelley was going to teach on that day completely got thrown out the window and the Holy Spirit redirected us. Shortly after that, IHOPU leadership was feeling like the Lord was doing something big and inviting us as students into a time of sanctification and consecration, so they decided to cancel our last class and hold an IHOPU convocation where all the students 1-4 year as well as all the interns would come together. We all came together and had a time of consecrating ourselves to the Lord and even took communion. It was really nice. So that was set for last Wednesday. But something even crazier happened the day before. Tuesday is student chapel and it is at 1 and I don’t normally go because that means I wake up at noon, which is the equivalent of 6 AM for my schedule. But I knew the Lord was moving in an unusual way so I decided that Tuesday I was going to get up early and go to chapel. It was so the Lord. We did worship and then as soon as it was over and chapel was going to start, leadership told us that chapel and classes were cancelled that day because Mike Bickle had called an emergency meeting of students and staff. They said a man was visiting from Uganda and had shared an encounter with Mike that day and as he was sharing it, Mike felt like it was a corporate word for the IHOP community, as well as the church in general. So he called this like ridiculously impromptu meeting for like 2 hours later in the same building we were having chapel. Luckily I was already there because by the time we got the email I would have just been waking up and getting in the shower and I would have totally gotten there late and more than likely be unable to find parking or even a seat. God is so good! Mike had never done anything like this since IHOP started so everyone knew it had to be a pretty big deal. Here is a link for the message that we heard.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t4WSe5tK_2Y

I invite you to listen to it when you can. It has left everyone shaken and really questioning a lot of stuff in our own personal walks with the Lord.

So all this happened the week before Spring Break and now I’ve had about a week to process it and talk to the Lord about everything. Basically God is up to something. He is calling us as students to greater holiness and sanctification. Everyone has had mixed feelings but my take away is that God is doing this now in His gentleness and kindness. Mike always says shock me now, don’t shock me later, and it appears that He is shocking us now. One of the leaders over the nightwatch said he feels like John’s message was the first trumpet in Joel 2 to wake us up. John’s message basically has made me stop and question my standing with God. It has made me truly examine my heart. And unfortunately, I am seeing more yuck and darkness so that’s been pretty painful. Confession time: I used to be a really judgmental person. The Lord has really done a big work in me though and I thought I was so much better. However, over the past about a month and a half, all this ugliness and judgmental thoughts about people I don’t even know has come up in my heart. I’ve been really mad at myself because I thought we had taken care of all that already and I didn’t know why it was coming back. Then several weeks back, some lady was praying for me and she said something to the effect of, you have had a lot of offense come up in your heart lately and you’re wondering where it’s coming from, and I feel like the Lord is bringing it up because he’s teaching you how to love. More confession: I don’t think I’m all that bad. This has been a journey since fire in the night of the Lord showing me just how dark I am but when you ask me what sin I’m struggling with, for the most part I would have a hard time telling you because it’s not like I struggle with the “big ones.” However, through John’s message, God has really been speaking to me about my thought life and my speech. Especially in the area of judgmental thoughts and complaining. And I would have said this was not that big a deal and it’s only in my mind so it’s not really sin, but God has really been showing me that is just not the case. The Bible is very clear that not only will we be judged on our actions, but also the thoughts and intents of our hearts. This is a sobering reality and one I am still working through. The Bible says to work out our salvation with fear and trembling and I feel like that’s what we’ve all been doing since John’s message.

The basic gist of what God is doing in this season is calling everyone to greater holiness. The Bible says be Holy as I am Holy. God is Holy. We are not. He desires to make us holy because He wants to be with us. What He is doing in this season is giving us an invitation into greater intimacy. The more like Him we become, the closer we get to get to Him. And if you know me at all, you know I am trying to get as close to His heart as He will let me. The comforting part of it all is we can’t do it ourselves. If we could we wouldn’t need a savior. It’s His zeal for us and His jealousy for us to be with Him where He is because He loves us that is going to accomplish it. We say yes and cooperate with Him and He will get us there. He promises. It’s in His Word. All we have to do is say yes to whatever He asks us to do and obey. Before all this happened, I really felt like I was feeling the presence of the Lord like fire. I told you that I had begun to feel the Lord in small ways and I feel like I have increasingly over the past several months felt Him like fire. My face or my hands will get really hot, which since I am always freezing is a tell-tale sign that it’s not just a coincidence when I am burning up in a room where everyone else is wearing their coats. Isn’t that nice of Him? Haha Anyway about a month ago at an FCF service, I was feeling the fire of the Lord and the dude called out from the stage if you were feeling fire on your body to raise your hand so people could pray for you because that was a sign that the Lord wanted to give you more. So I raised my hand and as soon as I did I felt my leg start to shake. This is how it starts so I knew the Lord was getting ready to shake me again. I wasn’t any less scared this time, I think because I know how I’ve felt when He’s done it in the past. So a lady came up and started praying for me and as she prayed I began to shake uncontrollably again. This time was a little different though. While it was happening I was basically saying God I don’t understand why you do this when you know it scares me and I hate it. But this time I just kept proclaiming, you are good. I trust you. Your leadership is perfect. You are a good shepherd. The lady praying for me was really sweet too. I think it must have been an older lady because as she was praying for me she was very gently rubbing my back in a very motherly gentle way. It was like she could tell I was not ok. Then it was over and that peaceful feeling came over me again and I just sat down. So basically this appears to be a season of shaking. Just in case you haven’t noticed, God is shaking things. Look at what’s going on in Egypt. Then the earthquake/tsunami thing in Japan? He is trying to wake us up. And the thing is, America is not exempt. Big shaking is coming to us too. It’s inevitable. I know what I am doing with my life looks so foolish to a lot of you. But I have never been more convinced that where I am and what I am doing is exactly how God wants it. This is a season where I am to set my face my flint and be violent in my pursuit of holiness, and ultimately my pursuit of Jesus. God has given me this invitation and I am not taking it lightly. It’s not just me and it’s not just IHOP. God is extending the invitation to whoever wants it. Now it’s going to look different in your life than mine because we are all in different places and different seasons in our journey with the Lord. I invite you to ask God where He may be calling you to greater areas of holiness and sanctification. Shaking is coming. Now is the season where we must be like the wise ones in Matthew 25 and get oil (relationship with Jesus) in our lamps. We must allow Him to shake us now so that we will stand firm when it all starts coming down.

¹ “At that time the kingdom of heaven will be like ten virgins who took their lamps and went out to meet the bridegroom. ² Five of them were foolish and five were wise. ³ The foolish ones took their lamps but did not take any oil with them. ⁴ The wise ones, however, took oil in jars along with their lamps.

Oh God help me to be a wise one!

Hello New Year New Beginning...How I Have Been Waiting For You

January 23, 2011

So as this new year has begun, I can’t help but be thankful that the Lord has brought me though the most painful season of my life thus far, grateful for where He currently has me, and I’m hopeful for what the future may hold. I got to come home for Christmas and it was a really good week. I got some warm fuzzy family time, good quality sister hang out time, and even got to hang out with some people I really miss. (Not all but a lot) Then it was back to KC for Onething. Which was kinda different this year because I signed up to serve and I ushered basically all day each day. It was good but my legs were so tired at the end of the night! Luckily I got brand new tennis shoes that don’t give my feet blisters for Christmas. Praise the Lamb! Onething was kind of a defining moment for me this year. Sure the teaching was great and the worship was beyond amazing, but it was during onething that I had the sudden realization that I am good. I made it through. I was thinking back to last year and how my heart was this exact time last year and I was just a huge mess. I was miserable and depressed and I was walking on eggshells afraid to run into the people who hurt my heart. But this year, I knew they were there and even saw them and had a brief conversation it didn’t faze me. I think it was the second to last day and I remember this overwhelming feeling that I really was good and I had made it through. The Lord has been so faithful. Now obviously the Lord still has a lot of healing to do on my heart and He’s slowly but surely doing it in His time and in His way, but I really am good =)

Now that being said, I am so grateful for where the Lord has me. I started another semester of school this past week and oh my gosh! I am overwhelmed that the Lord is allowing me to be here and to get such deep teaching from such amazing teachers. Never in a million years would I have ever thought I would actually like school! Haha go figure. God gave me my heart’s desire this semester and I got to go back on the Nightwatch. I didn’t even wait until school started. I was there as soon as onething was over. Oh how I have missed it. I don’t do the whole 12-6 like I did in fire in the night but I do 12-4 am, 6 nights a week. So I basically go home at 4 and then sleep until 2 each day, except for a couple where I wake up really early for class at 1. That’s rough but so far I’ve been good. Plus I can always take a nap if I need to. Our schedule this semester is really intense and I think we’ll have a lot more homework and less free time but I’m good with that. That’s the season the Lord has me in anyway.

I have 2 classes this semester. The first one is the Excellencies of Christ with Allen Hood. I actually took this class in fire in the night so it’s a repeat and I’m really excited to take it again with the guy who actually wrote the class. He said he hasn’t taught it since 2008 so I feel really lucky to be here when he teaches it again. Now while I am excited, at the same time I also very aware that it was this particular class that began to show me my yuck and darkness and how I actually do need a savior. If you remember my past blogs, that was rough. So I am preparing to see more of my darkness and bracing myself to encounter much more death to self. That part always sucks! Then my other class is Foundations of Prophetic Ministry and it’s taught by Shelley Hundley. I wasn’t fully sure what to think about this class, but then the first day of class I pretty much cried the whole class so I know the Lord is getting ready to use it. There’s even like 6 or 7 classes on different seers in the Bible. No coincidence there!

Ok so now the deep stuff. What is God doing in my heart? Loaded question. God is asking me to be His friend. Now here’s the thing. This is not the first time He’s asked me that. When I went to the Call 7/7/07 in Nashville, they had prophecy tents and I went and the lady that was praying for me got John 15 and it talks about abiding in the vine and being a friend of God. She was so sweet. She looked at me all excited with a huge smile on her face and she goes. “God is asking you to be His friend!” I smiled politely but inside I was fuming. I was like Friend? I have enough friends. What do you mean you want to me my friend? You’re supposed to be my bridegroom? You just wanna be my friend? Awesome you’re no different from all the other guys. So needless to say I was not encouraged by this word. God is so funny too because on the drive home, we all popped our tapes in and listened to them in the car, and when we put mine in, it was the only one that didn’t even work. So I just sorta wrote it off because I didn’t like what I heard anyway, but even though the tape didn’t work, it was like He etched John 15 on my heart and I’ve actually never forgotten what she said.

So fast forward a few years, and we come to the past few months, probably since I got back from the missions trip. I wrote a couple of blogs ago about how the Lord was beginning to speak to me about the heart of the judge. So my landlady had Shelley’s class the Heart of the Judge and let me borrow it. I was so excited! I devoured all 20-something classes in less than two weeks right before Christmas. I don’t even know if I can fully articulate what the Lord has been doing in my heart, but each class I would just sit and cry as every single class just continued to touch my heart. I think the most impactful part of all the teaching was when she was talking about being friends with God and what it means and what it looks like. I have never felt more convicted. All I could say was God I’m so sorry! I didn’t understand. I didn’t know that’s what it meant to be your friend. I’m so sorry! Basically it means that God is looking for people who He can be Himself with. He’s looking for friends He can share His secrets and His heart with. He’s looking for people who will just cry with Him because they feel what He feels. He wants people who will just be with Him and who He can just be with. He wants people that He doesn’t have to say wait here while I go over there and pray to. So then the first day of the prophecy class what are the 2 verses that she pulls out from the ghetgo? John 15 and John 17. To which I said ok God I’m listening. The entire class she proceeded to talk about friendship with the Lord and how God is looking for friends. I was just stunned. She opened with John 17:24 which if you remember was the verse the Lord hit me with last year during fitn after Corey’s message and that guy came up at the end and said I feel like the Lord is saying this is the banner over your life.

24 “Father, I desire that they also whom You gave Me may be with Me where I am, that they may behold My glory which You have given Me; for You loved Me before the foundation of the world.

Then she pulled out John 15, which is exactly the part the lady used when she said God wanted to be my friend.

15 No longer do I call you servants, for a servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I heard from My Father I have made known to you. 16 You did not choose Me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit, and that your fruit should remain, that whatever you ask the Father in My name He may give you.

However, while the teaching on the heart of the judge totally rocked my world, I have also had quite a bit of offense come up in my heart about what the lives of “friends of God” looked like. My last two years have been the hardest of my life and I feel like God has already asked me to do some hard things and I’m afraid of what else He may ask me to say yes to if I really say yes to being His friend. And I’m coming to see that I’m scared of God because I see Him as a mean taskmaster that once He finds someone who will say yes, He’ll use them to do what He wants them to do because He knows they’re not going to say no. And He knows that I’m going to say yes to whatever He asks me because I have said yes in the past and I’m afraid to disobey.

What I guess it basically comes down to is, I’m in a season of asking what did I really sign up for? The majority of the church begins following Jesus because if you say yes to Him then He will bless you and give you a good life and great things and you will be happy and healthy and everything will be wonderful. In America, for the most part, Christianity is associated with the American Dream. Anyone who knows me knows I’m all about this. Give me the husband, the 2.5 kids, and a precious little house with a white picket fence and I’m happy as a clam. This season pretty much started at the end of the mission trip at the fight conference when they were talking about being missionaries and how we are all called to “go.” Then we got back and our book for the last module of class was called the “Heavenly Man” and it was basically about this Chinese dude and chronicles His life and the very real torture and persecution he endured for the sake of Jesus. Then the last module of class was about the lifestyle of the forerunner and he talked about persecution and even martyrdom. I’ve been scouring the Bible on what it truly means to follow Jesus and what your life looks like when you really follow Him. In a nutshell it means picking up your cross and dying to yourself daily. It means possibly being hated by friends and family, and quite likely persecution in some form or fashion. While I didn’t start following Jesus because of what He could give me or do for me, I’m realizing that I am much more about comfort and convenience and what God can do to bless me than I am about suffering and enduring persecution for His sake. I love the world way more than I realized I did. So I am super excited about this semester, but I am also fully aware that it will probably be a painful semester as the Lord again shows me more of my darkness and yuck and humanism that I like to hide and pretend isn’t in there.

Now before you go thinking wow that sounds miserable, here’s the funniest thing. I am probably the happiest right now that I have ever been my whole life. God is doing some hard stuff in my life and in my heart, but at the same time He is continuously demolishing the lies that I have believed about Him and renewing my mind to the truth of who He is and what He is like. Slowly but surely, the Lord is winning over my heart and causing me to fall more and more and deeper and deeper in love with Him. There’s this integral switch in Song of Solomon where at the beginning the girl is super selfish and it’s all about what she gets from her relationship with Jesus and how much she enjoys Him. She says in 2:16: 16 My beloved is mine, and I am his. It’s all about what she gets first and secondly about what He gets.

Then it switches and all of sudden she goes from the place of He’s her inheritance and it’s all about what she can get from Him and she makes this amazing statement in chapter 7: 10: 10 I am my beloved’s, And his desire is toward me.

Now for the first time she’s not as selfish and she’s beginning to see that it’s not just about what she gets, but it’s really about what Jesus gets. She is His inheritance. She is His prize. She is His reward for His suffering. It’s really funny because I feel like the bride is really far in her journey and pretty mature once she gets to this part, but the more I realize what the Lord is doing in my heart and in my life, I feel like this may be where I am. I am actually beginning to dare to believe that everything that I’ve read in the Bible and heard in all the teachings and in my classes is true, not just for the church corporately, but for me personally and individually. It’s very gradual and I feel like I’m at the very beginning of the beginning but I feel like it’s actually starting to take root in my heart and plant itself there. I told the Lord just the other day that I was going to stop believing the lies and stop accusing Him of being someone He’s not. Starting this semester, I’m going to dare to believe it’s true. I am going to start proclaiming this truth, whether I feel it or not: He desires me. He wants me. I did not choose Him, but He chose me and appointed me that I should go and bear fruit. It’s not about me. It’s about Him and the fact that He wants me. There’s this great chorus on the nightwatch and it goes “You really enjoy me. You really are for me. Finally I believe it. Finally I receive it. I’ll stop trying to control you, I’ll stop trying to resist you. I’ll just let you love me. I’ll just let you love me.” I have officially made it my chorus for this semester.

Oh and this doesn’t really have anything to do with anything else but I am going to get a commentary and I am going to study the book of Deuteronomy this semester. I have never actually studied a book of the Bible before so I have no clue what I’m doing, but I’m really excited about it. =)