3 Months Down...3 To Go

So I am officially done with track 1. This may have been the fastest 3 months of my life! It’s been such an emotional roller coaster. This last month has been really painful. God is definitely teaching me to take up my cross and follow Him. I am learning to deny myself and die to my old sinful worldly self and I have to tell you that it is not a fun process. When God said that He was going to woo me and romance me this was not exactly what I had in mind. I’m super grateful though because I know that in order to truly live, first I must die. Gotta love the inside outside upside down kingdom where everything He asks you to do is completely opposite of how the world tells you to live. This past month has been continued revelation of my darkness. The more I read the Bible I see how sinful and ugly humanity is. The problem that’s going to increase the closer we get to Jesus coming back is that a humanistic religion is going to start and basically it’s where you think that at the core all people are good and if we just try to be good and are nice to people and try not to do sinful things then we will be good. Humanity’s biggest issue is that as humans we think we can do it ourselves. And as it turns out that’s all that pride is. The idea that we can do it on our own without any help. Turns out I’m super prideful. I’m really starting to get an understanding of pride and of true humility. I’m still working on it though. The more I have studied the Bible and really read about the one world religion that is coming I have realized how easy I could fall into that because at my core I believe that I am good. Like Peter, I don’t believe that my flesh is weak. So this past month has been God’s loving kindness in showing me who and what I really am. LIKE THE REST, I am a creature of God’s wrath! I am no exception to the rule. At my core I am dark and ugly and sinful and capable of unthinkable crimes. There is no good in me. God is so good! He is so gentle and His timing is perfect in how He’s showing me all this. Because at the same time He’s mercifully bringing up my darkness, He’s reminding me that He sees lovely because He sees me through the finished work of the cross and He sees me through the righteousness and blood of Jesus. I always understood that Jesus died on the cross for our sins but like I said before I felt like there was more and I didn’t really understand what all that meant. God has been so good to bring me more and more revelation of the cross and it has birthed in me such a heart of gratitude and thankfulness. He died for me when I hated Him. He took on every one of my sins and shame and grief. He who was perfect and was without sin became sin for me. When I hated Him! I don’t even think I’ve fully grasped it yet but I get a little more every day. It is a miracle that I chose Him. Like the rest, I hated Him and He has set His love on me and the only reason I love Him is because He first loved me. BUT Jesus! Oh the beauty of this man! I was eternally dammed to hell and I was separated from God forever but because of His one act of love on the cross, I can now have a relationship with God. It blows my mind!
So this month IHOP celebrated 10 years of continuous 24/7 worship and prayer. Mike Bickle who is the leader of IHOP spent 8 sessions going over the prophetic history of IHOP. Basically what that means is he went back through his life and told stories of ways that God spoke to him whether through dreams or through other people (prophecy) and his journey to how IHOP came to be. It was so fascinating! Then the last day he talked about where they are going to go from here and there are some pretty cool things they talked about. So it’s just been a really cool time to be here and experience this event. I love how as all the people who have been here since the beginning were recounting memories of the past 10 years they talked about the beginning and how it all started. They started in a trailer and had like 2 or 3 people in the room besides the worship team and most of the time someone from the team would have to leave the stage and go back to the sound board. And they all said the room smelled awful. But as they’re telling all of these funny stories, they all said that those were some of their favorite times. It made me think about the Katy prayer room and how we had and still have the same issues and it made me really excited that I get to experience the “trailer days” in Katy. I also love how as he’s been talking about IHOP he’s made a point to say but it’s not just IHOP. It’s a prayer movement and that means wherever the spirit of God is, these promises are for them too. I’ve been emailing back and forth with people and they are feeling the same thing in Katy that we’re feeling here. I love that God has leadership in Katy that has ears to hear what the spirit is saying! I’ve been really thankful that God has me here during this specific time. I prayed about coming back in December and I didn’t feel like I was supposed to and I just keep thinking what if I hadn’t trusted what I was feeling and came then? Don’t get me wrong it probably still would have been good but I would have missed out on so much. In track 2 I get to work with the Samuel Company which is a new children’s ministry and back in December it wouldn’t have started yet. So I would have missed what I’m thinking is a pretty big reason of why I am here. Also Mike is getting ready for the next couple of months to do a series on signs of the times every Friday and Saturday which is not what he normally does and I’m going to be here for all of it. He’s going to go through the Bible and discuss how current events apply to what the Bible says about the generation we are living in. I just feel that this is a very significant time and I am in awe of the fact that God has me here to experience it right now. I am so convinced that I hear from God. God speaks to me (maybe not always how I want) but He speaks and I hear Him. I know His voice! I don’t have to rely on other people to tell me what they think God is saying to me. I can trust what I hear and what I feel. Praise the Lamb!
So I am between tracks right now. I have 2 days where I get to relax and get ready for track 2. I’m nervous and excited all at the same time. The next track 1 is going to be huge. This time around all of fire in the night was about 50 people with 10 of those being track 2. This next time we as track 2 will have about 20 that are staying and then track 1 is going to have somewhere between 60-65! We’re going to have almost twice as many people. It’s a little overwhelming to think about. I just spent 3 months getting used to the people that were here and now a whole bunch of new people are coming in. It’s been a real lesson in loving people and keeping your heart open knowing that people are going to leave. There was one girl in the apartment next to me named Tiffany that I just adored. She was so precious and sweet and I really feel like it was a divine appointment that I got to meet her. She left a week early and it was so hard! This track wasn’t so hard to say goodbye except for her because all but 1 of my roommates are staying but if we are roommates again next track, the end is going to be really hard because we have really bonded and become like sisters and then it will be 6 months not just 3. It’s good though. In the past I have gotten really attached to people and I believe God is teaching me how to hold people loosely. It’s a total gift from God that Ginnette and I are here at the same time but the reality is that in December when I go back to Katy, she stays here. And then only God knows what will happen when I get back to Katy. I’ve been really homesick and I miss you guys a lot! The stupid devil has been telling me lies that nobody misses me and that everyone has moved on and forgotten about me. But then in the midst of it, I’ll get a text or email or message on facebook or phone call from someone and it helps a lot. I know this is where I am supposed to be right now but it doesn’t make it any easier. So just know that you are loved and missed and in my prayers. My core leader Wendy has been amazing though and really helped me with the whole keeping your heart open and being vulnerable thing. She told me the other day that she has seen so much growth in me in that area. When I first got here I was very honest with her about why I had come and how I was feeling towards God that He was not doing things my way and in my timing. She said I was very hard and defensive and closed off at the beginning. (ouchie but true nonetheless) But she said now my heart is so open and I have let people in and let them love me and I have risked loving others and being vulnerable. She told me it’s beautiful =)

Prayer points:

Grace, strength, patience, and endurance for track 2. It is much harder and I have like no free time except for my Sabbath.
Greater revelation of my darkness and the cross
Greater revelation of my loveliness and God’s emotions and affections toward me
Help to set my gaze and focus my mind on Jesus and no other distractions
Grace to take up my cross and die to myself and do what God is daily asking of me
Greater understanding of true humility versus pride
Vision for a children’s equipping center in Katy
My mom, dad, and Jen- I love hearing how God is working in each of them!
***That I truly would be fully satisfied in God and God alone no matter the circumstances***