Growing in Love and Humility

Disclaimer: As I have gone back and read over my blogs a thought occurred to me. The Amy that likes to compare myself to people would read this and think wow God must really love her. I guess He doesn’t love me as much because He’s not doing that for me. So it occurred to me that some of you may be feeling that way. So I wanted to just make it clear. I am in no way trying to rub it in your face. This is the first time since I started going back to church where I actually feel like I’m in a place of being able to hear and receive from God. Some of the things that are happening to me are really amazing but it’s not like they happen every day. In fact for like 4 years I didn’t feel like I heard from God hardly at all except for the few times I have written about on here. I feel like I’m in a very specific season where God is doing some specific things and it will not always be like this- although I hope it is! So in the same way that I am not suppose to covet someone else’s journey with the Lord, please do not covet or be jealous over mine. My main point in writing these is because so many people asked me if I would do updates and the only reason I am being so vulnerable is because God told me the more vulnerable I am the more you guys reading were going to get out of it. My hope is that in reading my journey it will awaken something inside of you that there is more. Some of you don’t believe in God or believe in a “god” but you don’t know Jesus and therefore I hope what is happening to me starts to pique your curiosity because I can’t make this stuff up. And even if I could, I wouldn’t. Why would I? What would be the point? Some of you have been saved your whole life and know you’re going to heaven when you die. That’s great but my hope for you is that you see there’s so much more. Jesus is a real man. His Word is living and active and He died the most excruciating death anyone could imagine because He loves us and wants a relationship with us. Christianity is not just a list of dos and don’ts and figuring out how to make ourselves happy. Christianity is about a relationship with a real man who when we hated Him (and a lot still do) He took on every one of our sins and pains past, present, and future and died for us and He did it for love. He doesn’t want you to wait until you die for you to experience Him, you can experience Him now. And don’t you dare say you’re too old and it’s too late! If you are still on this earth it’s because God isn’t finished with you yet. So yeah don’t look at my journey and get discouraged, but look at my journey and get excited and ask God to take you on one of your own. I promise He wants to. All I’ve ever done is ask Him to let me love Him more and to create a hunger and a longing inside of me. And the only reason I even want to love God is because my sister prayed for me a lot. All you have to do is ask =) Ok do with that little tidbit what you want. I just felt like God wanted me to add a little disclaimer this time.
So apartment living is interesting. We definitely had some issues at the beginning. We had an apartment meeting and nobody wanted to confront one of the girls about all the stuff. So I spoke up and basically said what everyone else was thinking. So we went back and forth and I told her what I thought and what I did not like. And then at the end I was very vulnerable with all my roommates and I said and by the way God is showing me that I think I’m perfect and I don’t think I ever do anything wrong, which is so not the truth, so if I do something that bugs you or upsets you please let me know. The whole idea of confrontation scares me and for me to actually speak up was terrifying but in the end it was all good. I apologized for things that I said behind her back and anything that I said to her face that offended her and there were no harsh words and she didn’t hate me in the end. She didn’t tell me that she was done with me and no longer wanted to be my friend which is what I typically expect to come from confrontation which is why I don’t like to do it. And then my new core leader Amber asked me to eat dinner with her one night and before we started talking and getting to know each other the first thing she said was how impressed she was with how I dealt with the situation and how she loved how vulnerable and open and honest I was. So far it appears I still have my voice and can speak my opinion so let’s pray that continues. I feel like God is teaching me how to have healthy confrontation. The last week or so I have really been having issues with my roommates, and I was really angry at myself because I thought I had been doing so well. I had been crying out to God and asking Him what this was and why was I having such a hard time? It was so ugly! Then the other night in my Life of David class, the teacher CJ was talking about pride in our hearts. He said in God’s loving kindness He will give you sandpaper people (people that rub you the wrong way) and allow the pride to come to the surface so that you can see that it’s there and then ask Him to help you with it. It was such perfect timing. I love how God does that. It was one of those aha moments where it just makes sense. I had been saying that I felt like track 1 God had me in a protective bubble and my roommate situation was basically utopia and there was no huge conflict. However, this time around it feels like the protective bubble has been lifted. So in actuality it’s not a bad thing, but it’s God’s mercy and loving-kindness in keeping me humble and showing me there’s still a lot of pride there. So basically I just need to start praying for my roommates and asking God to show me what He sees and what He likes because the truth is there is nothing wrong with any of them. In the same way that He says I am perfect just the way I am, He says they are perfect just the way they are. If I have issues with them it’s because there’s something in me that needs to be worked on. It was really humbling one night because one of the girls is really loud and I had been talking to God about how annoying her loudness was and how it annoyed me and then that same night she came home all excited and was like God was so kind to me all night tonight. He spent the whole night just telling me how much he loves me and He went on and on about how He loves how loud I am! Haha so that was like ouch knife through the heart. So my prayer now is God give me eyes to see these girls the way you see them and a heart to love them as you love them. We’ll see what happens!
The fun part about this apartment though is one of the girls came up with the idea of secret sister which is basically like secret Santa. We drew names and for the rest of the track we are purposely looking for ways to serve and love on that person. At first I thought the idea was pretty ridiculous but I went along with it since everyone else was. I am actually really enjoying it. One of the things that I’ve been asking God for during this time is to teach me how to listen to the Holy Spirit. When I get married and have children I want to ask God what is one way that I can meet their needs today and then serve them and meet that need without having to ask them what they need. So I’ve been using this secret sister thing as a way to practice. So every day I ask God please show me one way that I can meet her needs today. I haven’t gotten something every day but there have been several times where I feel like God has shown me different things and I’m looking forward to more practice.
So my Pop-Pop did pass away and luckily I was able to go home for the memorial service. I was only home for 2 days though so I didn’t really tell anyone that I was home because obviously it wasn’t a social trip. God is so good. I felt such a peace about him passing and the memorial service was really nice. My sister and cousins walked away from it and at the reception we were all like so do you feel like you didn’t really know Pop-Pop? When they were talking about his life we felt like we learned so much about him that we never knew before. He was a very quiet man and didn’t really share a lot of his life with us. Anyway, it was just a sweet time with family and it was just enough time to help me with my home sickness. I also got to see my great aunt Fern, Pop-Pop’s sister who I hadn’t seen since my grandma passed away like 7 years ago. She’s a little firecracker. I like her a lot and she looked really good for how old she was. While she was in Houston she actually became a great-grandmother. So it was cool to see her and spend some time with her. I also got some good hang out time and I got my hair cut which was long overdo. So all in all it was a nice time at home. I feel like it was just enough to tide me over. I feel like I can make the last 2 months now. This track is going even faster than the first one. I’ll be home before you know it!