The Lord is So Good...and I'm Starting to Think He Actually LIkes Me

I know this one is long overdue. My schedule has been so crazy since school started and I have had like no free time so today is the first day I can really sit down and collect my thoughts. I am so glad that I am here! Everyday I just continue to be more and more grateful that the Lord brought me here and to see what He’s doing. School is surprisingly going really well. We have weekly quizzes and so far I’ve only missed like 1 or 2 on each quiz. Turns out I actually understand and remember what I am learning! Praise God! This semester of class is actually a lot of review from FITN but it’s still good to get the repetition in me. So not much to report on school except that I love it!

I go to this certain set on Saturday because it’s a devotional which basically just means one person on the piano or guitar instead of an entire team of singers and instruments. It’s my favorite set and even when I was home I would listen to it every week. Anyway, for whatever reason the Lord really likes to speak to me through this particular singer. Maybe it’s because I have expectation when I go because He’s spoken through her so many times before. I dunno. So a couple of Saturdays ago I woke up and I had just had a rough night. When I first got here I was having a lot of nightmares and that night had been really bad. So when I woke up I said Lord I just need to hear from you today. I need you to speak to me through the devotional. I need truth! I am desperate for truth! Please no more lies. Well I went to the set and boy did He deliver. I actually went back and listened to it several more times after the fact because I wanted to journal it all down and then I copied it on here. So this is what He spoke to my heart that Saturday:

You’ve been searching for the point of life. You’ve been wondering if there’s more to this routine. You’re prone to boredom and you hate the mundane. You’ve been wondering if there’s more for your life. You’ve been wondering if your life has a meaning bigger than the meaning that’s already branded on you and you’ve been wondering if there’s more than what men say of you. But I am here to stop this whole entire room and I would gladly stop the entire world to tell you- there’s more to you. I hear the Lord say you have a noble heart. You have a lover’s heart and there’s something about the way of the cross. The Lord wants to give you the way of the cross. Something inside of you wants to give it all away for the sake of love. You have a heart not of this world. The Lord says I’m gonna give you a revelation of the way of the cross and no one who’s running in your circle is really gonna understand it. But I’m gonna give you a revelation of the life of the cross and no one in your family’s gonna understand it. I’m gonna give you a revelation of a lifestyle unfamiliar in this world, but I’m gonna give you a revelation my beloved one. You have a great great heart and I have a great great idea for you. It’s upside down from the standard of the world. If you’re willing I will take you there. Just look at me.

Then she sang a couple of songs and then this part came next:

Say goodbye to all those other lovers and run to me. Just come to me. Rend your heart. It’s ok to cry when you tear your heart at times. There’s a painful part of leaving it all behind. It’s the painful part of the cross. But I’m gonna be worth it all. Lonely at times is the path that leads to life and a broken heart will lead to the fullness. I said it would tear and at times you feel you’re ripping your own heart in two. But I’m worth it all. My love is better than the love of any man and my love is stronger than, it’s stronger than and my love will go deeper than the love of any friend though I realize there’s a moment of emptiness and pain. And listen, it’s ok to cry. I will meet you in the ache and I will cry with you. I know the lonely road and I will meet you on the path that leads to life and I will meet you. You did not make a mistake. I have something so much better for you than that. Even though what you leave behind was the best you’d ever had. But listen my beloved. Jealous is my name. I am jealous for you and sometimes there’s a pain in even being exclusive. But I’m the kind of love that won’t share you with another. I don’t want you for another. You are mine. You said you wanted to be mine but did you really mean you wanted to be mine? All mine? I am jealous for you. Easier said than done but I will meet you in the ache and I will make your heart come alive when you just learn to die. Commit your heart to me and I will give you something better than that even though what you’re leaving behind is the best you’d ever had. I have something better than that, even better than that. I won’t leave you alone and ashamed, for no one who waits will ever be put to shame. Wait, I say wait on the Lord. Just when the world tells you to do it for yourself, to make yourself happy, whatever makes you feel good they’ll say. But my way is better than that. Don’t do it only for yourself. I have a selfless way for you. Just take your cross and die daily to yourself. There is no other way to love. It is the voice of the bridegroom. If you love your father, mother more than you love me, you’re not worthy of me. Your brother, sister, your lover more than me, you’re not worthy of me. But come to me all who long to be whole-hearted, looking for a romance out of this world that lasts forever, come to me.
Then after she sang, she prayed: God I ask that you would set us apart. That you would come and put your hand on our hearts. Lord even on the broken hearts, the lonely hearts. Those specifically, who are choosing to tear their hearts, that you yourself would comfort. That you would satisfy. More than a reaching, more than a longing. Come and satisfy us Lord. Your love is better than wine. Let it be oh God. Let us experience the satisfaction of your love.

So yeah… (That’s me being totally unsure of how to respond to that, but since I sobbed for like the entire 2 hours, I know that it was the Lord singing straight to my heart through her)

The awakenings have been interesting again. I really didn’t want to go and since it’s part of our schedule I have to go every Thursday, Friday and Saturday. But something seems to be changing. I am actually starting to feel the presence of the Lord! It’s very slight. When I stand up and sing or when I’m standing up for prayer, I normally sway side to side but ever since I came back here, while I’m swaying side to side I start swaying back and forth at the same time. I never feel like I’m going to fall backwards or anything, but I feel very wobbly and pretty shaky. So of course the first place I go is that’s just my imagination. You just wanna feel the Lord so bad that you’re making yourself think that you are. So I kinda squashed it a little. But then this past Thursday someone prayed for me and it was soo good! She said a lot but the main part she said was don’t think because you’re not falling over that I’m not touching you. I have you in the deep water where you don’t get knocked down and I’m washing over you. Then fast forward to the awakening that same night and another random lady prayed for me and she said she saw a picture of me in a hot tub filled with perfumes and oils and I was just resting in it and soaking in it. (6 months of beauty treatments...and how appropriate that He would have me in a hot tub since I'm always so stinkin cold) But here’s the kicker. Another random lady came and prayed that same night and said she kept getting the verse in Ezekiel 16 and she read it to me:
6"When I passed by you and saw you squirming in your blood, I said to you while you were in your blood, 'Live!' Yes, I said to you while you were in your blood, 'Live!'…8"Then I passed by you and saw you, and behold, you were at the time for love; so I spread My skirt over you and covered your nakedness I also swore to you and entered into a covenant with you so that you became Mine," declares the Lord GOD.

She said I feel like the Lord is showing me that you are that little baby. God is standing you up and just like a baby who’s just learning to stand, your legs are a little wobbly. You’re learning to stand in His love. He had to make you ready for love. He says now she’s ready. So my wobbly legs aren’t my imagination. I really am beginning to feel the presence of the Lord! I keep going up for those alter calls to feel the love of the Lord and it’s gonna happen!