I know this one is long overdue. My schedule has been so crazy since school started and I have had like no free time so today is the first day I can really sit down and collect my thoughts. I am so glad that I am here! Everyday I just continue to be more and more grateful that the Lord brought me here and to see what He’s doing. School is surprisingly going really well. We have weekly quizzes and so far I’ve only missed like 1 or 2 on each quiz. Turns out I actually understand and remember what I am learning! Praise God! This semester of class is actually a lot of review from FITN but it’s still good to get the repetition in me. So not much to report on school except that I love it!
I go to this certain set on Saturday because it’s a devotional which basically just means one person on the piano or guitar instead of an entire team of singers and instruments. It’s my favorite set and even when I was home I would listen to it every week. Anyway, for whatever reason the Lord really likes to speak to me through this particular singer. Maybe it’s because I have expectation when I go because He’s spoken through her so many times before. I dunno. So a couple of Saturdays ago I woke up and I had just had a rough night. When I first got here I was having a lot of nightmares and that night had been really bad. So when I woke up I said Lord I just need to hear from you today. I need you to speak to me through the devotional. I need truth! I am desperate for truth! Please no more lies. Well I went to the set and boy did He deliver. I actually went back and listened to it several more times after the fact because I wanted to journal it all down and then I copied it on here. So this is what He spoke to my heart that Saturday:
You’ve been searching for the point of life. You’ve been wondering if there’s more to this routine. You’re prone to boredom and you hate the mundane. You’ve been wondering if there’s more for your life. You’ve been wondering if your life has a meaning bigger than the meaning that’s already branded on you and you’ve been wondering if there’s more than what men say of you. But I am here to stop this whole entire room and I would gladly stop the entire world to tell you- there’s more to you. I hear the Lord say you have a noble heart. You have a lover’s heart and there’s something about the way of the cross. The Lord wants to give you the way of the cross. Something inside of you wants to give it all away for the sake of love. You have a heart not of this world. The Lord says I’m gonna give you a revelation of the way of the cross and no one who’s running in your circle is really gonna understand it. But I’m gonna give you a revelation of the life of the cross and no one in your family’s gonna understand it. I’m gonna give you a revelation of a lifestyle unfamiliar in this world, but I’m gonna give you a revelation my beloved one. You have a great great heart and I have a great great idea for you. It’s upside down from the standard of the world. If you’re willing I will take you there. Just look at me.
Then she sang a couple of songs and then this part came next:
Say goodbye to all those other lovers and run to me. Just come to me. Rend your heart. It’s ok to cry when you tear your heart at times. There’s a painful part of leaving it all behind. It’s the painful part of the cross. But I’m gonna be worth it all. Lonely at times is the path that leads to life and a broken heart will lead to the fullness. I said it would tear and at times you feel you’re ripping your own heart in two. But I’m worth it all. My love is better than the love of any man and my love is stronger than, it’s stronger than and my love will go deeper than the love of any friend though I realize there’s a moment of emptiness and pain. And listen, it’s ok to cry. I will meet you in the ache and I will cry with you. I know the lonely road and I will meet you on the path that leads to life and I will meet you. You did not make a mistake. I have something so much better for you than that. Even though what you leave behind was the best you’d ever had. But listen my beloved. Jealous is my name. I am jealous for you and sometimes there’s a pain in even being exclusive. But I’m the kind of love that won’t share you with another. I don’t want you for another. You are mine. You said you wanted to be mine but did you really mean you wanted to be mine? All mine? I am jealous for you. Easier said than done but I will meet you in the ache and I will make your heart come alive when you just learn to die. Commit your heart to me and I will give you something better than that even though what you’re leaving behind is the best you’d ever had. I have something better than that, even better than that. I won’t leave you alone and ashamed, for no one who waits will ever be put to shame. Wait, I say wait on the Lord. Just when the world tells you to do it for yourself, to make yourself happy, whatever makes you feel good they’ll say. But my way is better than that. Don’t do it only for yourself. I have a selfless way for you. Just take your cross and die daily to yourself. There is no other way to love. It is the voice of the bridegroom. If you love your father, mother more than you love me, you’re not worthy of me. Your brother, sister, your lover more than me, you’re not worthy of me. But come to me all who long to be whole-hearted, looking for a romance out of this world that lasts forever, come to me.
Then after she sang, she prayed: God I ask that you would set us apart. That you would come and put your hand on our hearts. Lord even on the broken hearts, the lonely hearts. Those specifically, who are choosing to tear their hearts, that you yourself would comfort. That you would satisfy. More than a reaching, more than a longing. Come and satisfy us Lord. Your love is better than wine. Let it be oh God. Let us experience the satisfaction of your love.
So yeah… (That’s me being totally unsure of how to respond to that, but since I sobbed for like the entire 2 hours, I know that it was the Lord singing straight to my heart through her)
The awakenings have been interesting again. I really didn’t want to go and since it’s part of our schedule I have to go every Thursday, Friday and Saturday. But something seems to be changing. I am actually starting to feel the presence of the Lord! It’s very slight. When I stand up and sing or when I’m standing up for prayer, I normally sway side to side but ever since I came back here, while I’m swaying side to side I start swaying back and forth at the same time. I never feel like I’m going to fall backwards or anything, but I feel very wobbly and pretty shaky. So of course the first place I go is that’s just my imagination. You just wanna feel the Lord so bad that you’re making yourself think that you are. So I kinda squashed it a little. But then this past Thursday someone prayed for me and it was soo good! She said a lot but the main part she said was don’t think because you’re not falling over that I’m not touching you. I have you in the deep water where you don’t get knocked down and I’m washing over you. Then fast forward to the awakening that same night and another random lady prayed for me and she said she saw a picture of me in a hot tub filled with perfumes and oils and I was just resting in it and soaking in it. (6 months of beauty treatments...and how appropriate that He would have me in a hot tub since I'm always so stinkin cold) But here’s the kicker. Another random lady came and prayed that same night and said she kept getting the verse in Ezekiel 16 and she read it to me:
6"When I passed by you and saw you squirming in your blood, I said to you while you were in your blood, 'Live!' Yes, I said to you while you were in your blood, 'Live!'…8"Then I passed by you and saw you, and behold, you were at the time for love; so I spread My skirt over you and covered your nakedness I also swore to you and entered into a covenant with you so that you became Mine," declares the Lord GOD.
She said I feel like the Lord is showing me that you are that little baby. God is standing you up and just like a baby who’s just learning to stand, your legs are a little wobbly. You’re learning to stand in His love. He had to make you ready for love. He says now she’s ready. So my wobbly legs aren’t my imagination. I really am beginning to feel the presence of the Lord! I keep going up for those alter calls to feel the love of the Lord and it’s gonna happen!
Not Who Am I...But WHOSE Am I?
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Amy
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Thank you for praying! I found a new place and rather quickly. Student housing sent me a list of available rooms and I just randomly started emailing ones that looked good and were in my price range. The house is actually in the same neighborhood I am currently in, only like a couple streets over and it’s basically the same kind of layout and the same price. It’s a two bedroom apartment in the basement of a lady’s house where she lives upstairs and will have another person in the house with her. It’s completely furnished which is awesome b/c I only have the bedroom furniture. In fact the bedroom was furnished too but luckily she can move that stuff out to make room for mine. It’s really cool though b/c I don’t have a dresser b/c mine didn’t make the move. It was too big and my dad told me that he was just going to buy me one once I got here. But there’s one in the room already and it’s nice and big so I don’t actually have to buy one. I was also going to buy a lamp but there’s one of those too so I don’t have to buy one. The Lord is such a great provider. I love that! I’m going to be living with one of my roommates from FITN from track one. The Lord is so funny. I would have never in a million years think I would be signing a one year lease with her. We both said we were not coming back to KC. It’s going to be good. We will be moving at the end of August.
Orientation was this week and it has been sooo good! I am just so grateful that I am here and I am sooo excited for school to start. I don’t think I’ve ever been this excited for anything to start in my life! The first day was your basic registration. There’s like 300 first year students for all 4 schools and probably about half of those are FSM which is mine so I stood in line for like 2 hours but I got to know the chick behind me in line pretty well. Then all the leadership got up and each gave a schpeel (sp?) about their vision for the year and how excited they were to have us here. Then that afternoon we were in the prayer room and for the last like 30 minutes of the set, Mike had us all get up and stand in the aisles and everyone else in the prayer room came around and started praying for us. It was so good! One person said she felt like the Lord was saying I had eyes like Esther and didn’t know the context but prayed into it and so I’m seeking the Lord on what she meant by that. But here comes the best one. Another girl came up and prayed and said that it was good that I was here for school but that’s secondary. The Lord has an agenda for you during this season and it’s inner healing for your heart. He cares about your heart. It’s the most important thing to Him. Your heart matters. And of course I started crying. I loved that He said Agenda. It implies intention. It’s not just a to do when I get around to it. No- He has an agenda and it’s my heart! Then I got a really sweet email that same day that I felt went along with that word and it really touched me. Then one night they had leadership come in and we spread out all over the room and people just came up and prayed for you whenever. One of the guys said he saw me as Esther and that I was going to intercede for governments. That I was going to intercede for
So what is the Lord speaking to me these days? He’s teaching me what it means that He made me female. The counselor that I went to really got to the heart and root of a lot of stuff and she was totally Holy Spirit filled and Holy Spirit led. During one of our sessions, she asked me how often do you celebrate the fact that God made you female? On a scale of 1-10 how much would you say you embrace your femininity? I said on special occasions I love to get dressed up and dolled up! What about on just an average day? I told her I am basically a jeans and t-shirt kinda gal. She told me that when she was in college she was all into sports and was a total tomboy and the Lord surprised her one day and told her He wanted to take her on a journey of learning what it meant that He made her female-not just on special occasions-but everyday. Then she mentioned Queen Esther and the story from the Bible and how she had to have beauty treatments to be ready for the King. I told her that was really interesting because before I went to FITN and during it was prayed over me several times how I was like Queen Esther and this was a time of preparation for my Heavenly Husband, as well as my earthly husband. Now at first that sounded romantic and I was so excited to see what the Lord had for me. I mean beauty treatments who’s not gonna sign up for that right? Now here’s the funny part. Sometime during track two I was reading the book of Esther and came across that very passage and I was shocked because here’s what it actually says…
12 Before a girl's turn came to go in to King Xerxes, she had to complete twelve months of beauty treatments prescribed for the women, six months with oil of myrrh and six with perfumes and cosmetics.
Six months with the oil of myrrh came first. The oil of myrrh symbolizes death. Here I thought it was all perfumes and cosmetics but I missed the most important step-death. I met with a lady that I did freedom and healing with at my church about a month ago. It had been 3 years since we had last met. I couldn’t believe it had been that long. Anyway she knows everything I’ve gone through the last year and as I was telling her how I just feel like I’ve completely come to the end of myself, completely at the Lord’s mercy, and I’m more confused now than when I started FITN. She was like Amy I can’t help but notice how the Lord is answering your prayer. In my mind I’m thinking what could you possibly mean by that? She said remember at the end of our time together you prayed that prayer “whatever it takes?” You wanted to be at the end of yourself but you just weren’t yet. It seems to me that this past year has been God answering your prayer. So let me warn you that “whatever it takes” is apparently a very dangerous prayer. Had I known this is what it took I don’t know that I would’ve prayed that. However, it’s the Lord’s kindness that we don’t know what we’re saying yes to before we say it, because we probably wouldn’t say yes if we knew. He just asks us to obey first and therefore that is what we need to do. During our last session the counselor told me that even though it was painful, she felt like the Lord was showing her that everything I have gone through in the last year was necessary. She said the Lord gave her a picture of me and I was a pile of wood. First I had to be broken and cut down into a pile and in my words literally come to the end of myself, now He can start from scratch to build what He wants to build, what He’s always wanted to build. Then I remembered that some random person prayed over me sometime during track 2 that the Lord was breaking me down so that He could build me up into who He’s always dreamed of me being. I had forgotten about that until she said it and confirmed it again. Not that it was exactly comforting to hear all this, but at the same time at least it confirmed why this past year has felt like death itself. Because that’s exactly what it was. Death! It has a purpose and it was not in vain. Now I am believing by faith that season is over. I mean we’re always going to progressively be dying as we let go of our flesh and embrace the cross. Such is the way of Christianity. But it’s never gonna be like this again. Sure there will be death, but I’m gonna know the character and the ways of the Lord better each time and so it’s not going to be near as painful. SO by faith I am declaring this season of death done. Finished. No more! I had a year of death and therefore by faith I am believing for a year of life. I am believing for not just six months of perfumes and cosmetics, but a year, in Jesus’ name! I’m ready for spring and for new life. Basically I feel like I am finally where I thought I was a year ago coming into FITN.
Thus begins my new journey. What does it look like that God made me female-everyday? I bought some cute new summer dresses (all of which were either only $10 or $15 thank you Lord) and I know some of you will not believe this, but I am actually going to start wearing shorts. My roommates are so funny because when they saw my clothes they got so excited. During FITN I made a conscious effort not to draw attention to myself because I was here for the Lord and didn’t need the distraction so I basically just wore jeans and t-shirts the whole time. I think the fact that they even see bright colors in my closet now excites them which is so funny to me because I’ve always worn bright colors. I was like see I told you I had cute clothes, I just didn’t bring them to FITN. It wasn’t the season for them, but now it is. Also, one of my friends surprised me before I left for KC and took me to lunch at the galleria and then took me to MAC to get my make-up done. It was such a sweet treat and she even bought some stuff for me. It was such a blessing because that stuff isn’t cheap. So now I even own make-up. Not that I’ll wear it every day, but my counselor said during her season she would just ask the Holy Spirit when so that’s what I plan to do. It’s going to take a while getting used to but I’m excited to play with it. And I got my hair cut and highlighted before I left so it’s really cute and summery. It’s really interesting to me too because as I’ve been sharing where the Lord has me with my roommates, they share where the Lord has them. One girl, who has really only worn dresses and skirts, is now starting to wear jeans. One girl who has worn make-up since she was in 5th grade is now taking a break from it for a season and not wearing any. I just found it so fascinating how the Lord is so personal with each of us. He is speaking one thing to me and at the same time the complete opposite to someone else. I just thought that was pretty cool.
A book I read states “you are a Christian and then a woman. And that’s the order of information that’s most important about you. Your most important identity is as a Christian, ransomed by God himself. Second to that is your identity as a woman, made feminine and made in God’s image.” One of my friends gave me a book that I am also currently reading and I haven’t finished the book yet, but there is one chapter that has stuck out to me so far. It’s called Not who am I? But WHOSE am I? She says “Most women start at the wrong place. They start with themselves. They ask, “Who am I? How do I really feel?” and they assume that if enough people express their personal opinions on this subject we will all somehow arrive at the truth of the matter…but in order to learn what it means to be a woman we must start with the One who made her.” So I am really seeking for truth in this season. The devil has done everything he can do to use my circumstances to convince me that God is mean and doesn’t like me and that I’m never gonna get it so I might as well just give up. But the truth is that God really is protecting and guarding my heart. He knows something I don’t and He loves me so much that He wouldn’t allow my heart to get hurt any more than it already has. He decided to change someone else’s heart instead of mine, even though I begged him to change mine, and that’s just how it is. What I perceive to be him being harsh and mean is actually his gentleness and loving-kindness to me. During track 2 sometime at one of the awakenings, Misty Edwards prayed for me and I just keep clinging to her words. She said God says there is nothing wrong with you. I have set you apart for myself. I want you! You are Mary of Bethany. You are the shulamite. The Song of Solomon is your story. There is nothing wrong with you. I have set you apart for myself. I want you! This is truth and this is what I am clinging to with everything I have. Pray for truth. Truth of who Jesus is and truth of how He sees me and feels about me.
Adventures in Missouri...and Kansas
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Amy
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Kansas City living- where do I begin? Well the electricity was only out for 3 days and then we were all able to move back in. I’ve really enjoyed my time with my new roommates. Our schedules are kinda funny because they both work mornings at coffee shops and I am doing nights so they are basically getting up and leaving when I am coming in in the morning and they go to bed when I’m getting ready to go to the prayer room. So far it has actually worked out really well. It’s really fun when we are all 3 home together at the same time. However it looks like that’s pretty temporary. In August I was supposed to move out with the two girls who live in the basement with me into one of their friend’s houses. Well as it turns out, the girl overbooked and asked too many people thinking not all of them would say yes and unfortunately there was not room for me =( I was really bummed because I was really looking forward to living with them but tis life. Now I have to find new living arrangements. I have a couple of options. Student housing has a list of people who have rooms available in their houses and I a have emailed a few that sounded good and will see what happens there. The house I am currently in I can stay till November and one of the other girls is staying till November and if worse comes to worse I can just stay and then in November get an apartment with the other girl. It’s not my first choice though. Not because of the girl, just because I would like to be settled sooner than later. Currently I haven’t really unpacked anything except my clothes because there’s really no point if I’m just going to pack it all up again and move. I’m just ready to be settled and know that I can stay there for a significant amount of time. I swear I’ve moved more in the last year than I have moved in my entire life! But I’m not worried. It’s not looking the way I thought it would but what does these days? God knows where He wants me and who He wants me to live with and I trust that He will help me to make the right decision. Prayer for that would be great though!
Since I have a lot of free time I have been doing a lot of exploring the area. It’s really cool because we’re basically just right on the edge of Missouri and if you drive not far at all then you are in Kansas. There’s literally a street called State Line that separates them. So there’s a lot of options. Praise the Lamb for my GPS! Best birthday present ever! I would have gotten so lost around here without it. When I came with my mom and we were driving around just checking stuff out I got really excited about a new place to explore with new people and making new memories with those new people. My whole life has been in Katy and there are so many memories attached to that place. I’m ready to put the past in the past and move on with my future. Meet new people and make new memories.
I got more information about school and orientation and stuff and it looks like my whole first year I don’t get to do nights =( I thought it was just the semester but they revamped stuff this year and I guess that got changed. But after that, 2nd year through 4th year classes are from 3-5pm so it’s totally doable. Classes aren’t too early either. My first thing I have is 10-12 so I won’t have a big problem with that. The schedule is really packed out though which is good because I definitely appreciate the structure, but at the same time it’s really packed out. I think I'm gonna have to pack my lunch. My schedule looks like this:
Monday: 10-12 Class, 2:30-6pm Prayer Room
Tuesday 10-12 Class, 12:30-2pm Chapel, 2:30-6pm Prayer Room
Wednesday 10-12 Class, 12:30-2pm Discipleship Groups, 2:30-6pm Prayer Room
Thursday 10-12 Class, 12:30-2pm Practicum, 2:20-6pm Prayer Room
Friday 2-5pm Class, 6-11pm Awakening
Saturday 6-11pm Awakening
Sunday 6-8:30pm FCF (Church)
This is all I know right now. More to come after orientation...
Since I have a lot of free time I have been doing a lot of exploring the area. It’s really cool because we’re basically just right on the edge of Missouri and if you drive not far at all then you are in Kansas. There’s literally a street called State Line that separates them. So there’s a lot of options. Praise the Lamb for my GPS! Best birthday present ever! I would have gotten so lost around here without it. When I came with my mom and we were driving around just checking stuff out I got really excited about a new place to explore with new people and making new memories with those new people. My whole life has been in Katy and there are so many memories attached to that place. I’m ready to put the past in the past and move on with my future. Meet new people and make new memories.
I got more information about school and orientation and stuff and it looks like my whole first year I don’t get to do nights =( I thought it was just the semester but they revamped stuff this year and I guess that got changed. But after that, 2nd year through 4th year classes are from 3-5pm so it’s totally doable. Classes aren’t too early either. My first thing I have is 10-12 so I won’t have a big problem with that. The schedule is really packed out though which is good because I definitely appreciate the structure, but at the same time it’s really packed out. I think I'm gonna have to pack my lunch. My schedule looks like this:
Monday: 10-12 Class, 2:30-6pm Prayer Room
Tuesday 10-12 Class, 12:30-2pm Chapel, 2:30-6pm Prayer Room
Wednesday 10-12 Class, 12:30-2pm Discipleship Groups, 2:30-6pm Prayer Room
Thursday 10-12 Class, 12:30-2pm Practicum, 2:20-6pm Prayer Room
Friday 2-5pm Class, 6-11pm Awakening
Saturday 6-11pm Awakening
Sunday 6-8:30pm FCF (Church)
This is all I know right now. More to come after orientation...
New City, New House, New Season
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Amy
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So I officially made it to Kansas City. It has been quite an adventure already. My room is in the basement and a couple months back they had found a leak and had to rip out a section of the wall. So we arrived here on Wednesday night and we were supposed to be able to move in Thursday but they weren’t quite done yet so we actually had to wait until Friday. But finally Friday evening we got everything moved in and I slept in my new room for the first time. So weird! So that was fine but then Sunday morning a wind storm came through. I don’t think it was officially a tornado but there was a lot of damage. I actually slept through it. I heard it but just figured it was a normal storm. The funny thing is though since my room is in the basement and doesn’t have any windows; it’s the safest room in the house to be. So if it happens again, even if I’m asleep, I don’t have to worry because everyone will just pile into my room and wake me up! Well one of the trees in the backyard behind us blew over and fell into our yard and in the process fell on a power line which knocked the meter box completely off the house! So needless to say we are officially without electricity for a few days. It’s cool though because I was able to go to my friend’s house to take a shower and charge my phone and computer and all that stuff. And on the plus side, two huge trees fell down and blocked both entrances to the neighborhood so now I know every back way in the neighborhood. But last night was really fun. My roommates and I needed to eat all the food in the fridge before it went bad so we had kind of a pot luck feast last night. We lit a bunch of candles and stuffed ourselves until we could eat no more. We ate and talked and just sat around with the candle light and it was so much fun. One of my roommates said she knew a couple of people who fasted electricity for a couple of weeks and basically just used candles. I don’t know if I’ll do it on purpose any time soon, but it’s totally doable.
I’m slowly getting into a routine and schedule. I decided to start doing the prayer room from midnight to 4am. But sadly, I think that once school starts first year classes are in the morning and I won’t be able to do the nights, at least for the first semester so basically until January. I know they are changing some stuff this semester so I’m praying that this might change too but somehow I doubt it. So I’m trying to think positive but honestly I’m totally bummed that I won’t be able to do nights for a while. So I’m taking advantage for this month before school starts and doing nights. I am going to need a lot of prayers and grace if I have morning classes though. I am so not a morning person! This transition time before school starts will be interesting because I have nothing to do so I will probably spend a lot of time in the prayer room and awakenings. My roommates are all really excited to have me here finally so I feel really loved and that’s been helpful for the transition. I won’t really know a whole lot about school until I go to new student orientation on August 10 so I can’t really answer many of ya’lls questions about my classes or schedule until then. But once I find out, I will let you know.
So what is the Lord talking to me about these days? A couple of things that I will share more on next time but right now- money. When I first got back to Katy I was kinda feeling things out job wise to see if there was anything for me there. I tried like 3 or 4 different things that should have been fool-proof and nothing happened with any of them. One day I was praying about it and asking the Lord why it hadn’t worked because I really needed to make some money. I felt like He said because you’re not supposed to get a job. You’re supposed to write a support letter and trust me to provide for you. So I did. Raising my own support has been an interesting journey so far. It’s a total pride killer and I think that’s a part of why God does it that way. To kill our pride. I have always loved being an extravagant giver. I loved being able to bless people when they needed it. But now the tables are turned and I am the one that is in need. I quit my teaching job like 3 years and it was super scary but I had almost $20,000 in savings so I knew I would be ok. Then I got a job at my church that was part time and paid $12/hour so I basically made $12,000 that year and lived perfectly fine off of that and only had to dip into my savings a little bit. Then I quit that job and did the internship. I could have raised support for it but in my pride decided against it and knew I had enough in savings to cover it so I did that. Quite frankly I just did not want to raise support. So I did the internship and towards the end of track 2 I noticed that my money was rapidly depleting and I started to get anxious about it. I heard a teaching once about how the amount of anxiety you get about not having something is the amount that it’s an idol in your life. It turns out I never knew money was an idol because I always had it, but once I wasn’t comfortable anymore, I became very anxious. Since the one area that the Lord says to test us in is money I decided I had nothing to lose. I love hearing stories from other people of how the Lord provided for them when they really needed it. I call them God stories. I was talking to the Lord one day and told Him I wanted a God story. So I decided that I was going to give away everything I had before I went home. Well, that was the plan, but of course I chickened out and reasoned my way out of it. Then I waited until Christmas and bought all my presents and by February still hadn’t gotten a job so finally in February I paid off all my bills and then kept what I needed for bills for the next month and then gave the rest of it away. I didn’t tell a lot of people either because I didn’t want people to feel like they needed to give me money. But here’s the kicker, literally two days after I gave it all away, I had to have my appendix out. It happened out of nowhere and there were no complications because they caught it before it burst, but now I have a $2,000 hospital bill. So I’m still trying to figure out what that was all about and the timing of it all. But I totally have a God story now! Some of ya’ll have heard this but I know some of ya’ll haven’t. My pastor did a sermon on the story in the Bible of the talents. Jesus gave 3 people money and told them to invest it in the kingdom. So my pastor decided to choose 3 people from each service and give them money to invest in the kingdom. He gave them 2 weeks and then they were to come back and tell the congregation what they did with the money. Well one of the ladies that was chosen is a lady that I had only known couple of months because we worked in the call room together. She was given $200 and decided to make and sell cakes for $25 and use her mother’s recipe. Well as it turns out she took like 96 orders and some people even just donated money to the cause and she made $2,600 and decided to give it to me! It was such a blessing and total confirmation that I was doing what I was supposed to and that the Lord was going to provide. I loved it too because she got to bake cakes which she loves to do and opened her windows in the kitchen and got to enjoy her garden while she was baking and communing with the Lord. I was talking to one of my friends afterwards who is kinda in charge of the call room and we were just talking about how it all came together and how there were so many small acts of obedience leading up to it that didn’t seem like a big deal at the time but if one hadn’t happened then none of this would be happening. What if she had never asked me to go to coffee once I got back. What if I hadn’t agreed to do the call room? I would have never met this lady. It was just really cool to look back over the way that it came together and see how the Lord had been orchestrating something that wasn’t even on my radar and completely blew my mind. I love that I am starting to have God stories now. One day I was out shopping with some gift cards and I was telling the Lord that I really wanted a new purse since mine was sort of falling apart but I didn’t have the money for one. The next day I got a gift card in the mail for $25 to Target and I went and found a perfect one for 24.99. Isn’t the Lord good? So anyway, raising support has been an interesting journey and I’m sure will continue to be. I have received about 250 in monthly support and then received a lot of one time donations. All of which is a total blessing! I guess I thought that I would just automatically get the monthly support though. But even in that I feel like the Lord is teaching me to be completely dependent upon Him. If I got the monthly supporters and knew I had 850 coming in each month then I wouldn’t have to trust the Lord as much. This way I am fully trusting in the Lord which is unbelievably scary but I know it’s the place the Lord wants me. It’s funny too because at the last monthly prayer meeting we had for the Katy prayer room people were talking about money and just how the Lord’s timing is always perfect and often will come at that very last moment before the bill is due. One of the guys up here says that God is never early but He’s always on time. As one lady was telling us her God story of what the Lord was doing in their lives financially and talking about how the Lord always seems to show up right at the last minute, another lady said that when she was listening to her story she felt like the Lord said because it’s more romantic that way. Think about all the cheesy chick flicks and how the couple finally comes together at the very last moment. It’s more exciting that way. That’s how God, the ultimate romantic, wants to come to us- at the very last moment, because it’s more romantic that way. I may be wrong, but I feel like the Lord is doing it this way because He wants to surprise me at random times. Plus this way I’ll have more God stories. (At least that’s what I’m telling myself right now to keep from becoming anxious =P) So as with everything with the Lord, I’m going on another journey…but I’m not going to be anxious about money anymore and I am going to know God fully as my provider.
I’m slowly getting into a routine and schedule. I decided to start doing the prayer room from midnight to 4am. But sadly, I think that once school starts first year classes are in the morning and I won’t be able to do the nights, at least for the first semester so basically until January. I know they are changing some stuff this semester so I’m praying that this might change too but somehow I doubt it. So I’m trying to think positive but honestly I’m totally bummed that I won’t be able to do nights for a while. So I’m taking advantage for this month before school starts and doing nights. I am going to need a lot of prayers and grace if I have morning classes though. I am so not a morning person! This transition time before school starts will be interesting because I have nothing to do so I will probably spend a lot of time in the prayer room and awakenings. My roommates are all really excited to have me here finally so I feel really loved and that’s been helpful for the transition. I won’t really know a whole lot about school until I go to new student orientation on August 10 so I can’t really answer many of ya’lls questions about my classes or schedule until then. But once I find out, I will let you know.
So what is the Lord talking to me about these days? A couple of things that I will share more on next time but right now- money. When I first got back to Katy I was kinda feeling things out job wise to see if there was anything for me there. I tried like 3 or 4 different things that should have been fool-proof and nothing happened with any of them. One day I was praying about it and asking the Lord why it hadn’t worked because I really needed to make some money. I felt like He said because you’re not supposed to get a job. You’re supposed to write a support letter and trust me to provide for you. So I did. Raising my own support has been an interesting journey so far. It’s a total pride killer and I think that’s a part of why God does it that way. To kill our pride. I have always loved being an extravagant giver. I loved being able to bless people when they needed it. But now the tables are turned and I am the one that is in need. I quit my teaching job like 3 years and it was super scary but I had almost $20,000 in savings so I knew I would be ok. Then I got a job at my church that was part time and paid $12/hour so I basically made $12,000 that year and lived perfectly fine off of that and only had to dip into my savings a little bit. Then I quit that job and did the internship. I could have raised support for it but in my pride decided against it and knew I had enough in savings to cover it so I did that. Quite frankly I just did not want to raise support. So I did the internship and towards the end of track 2 I noticed that my money was rapidly depleting and I started to get anxious about it. I heard a teaching once about how the amount of anxiety you get about not having something is the amount that it’s an idol in your life. It turns out I never knew money was an idol because I always had it, but once I wasn’t comfortable anymore, I became very anxious. Since the one area that the Lord says to test us in is money I decided I had nothing to lose. I love hearing stories from other people of how the Lord provided for them when they really needed it. I call them God stories. I was talking to the Lord one day and told Him I wanted a God story. So I decided that I was going to give away everything I had before I went home. Well, that was the plan, but of course I chickened out and reasoned my way out of it. Then I waited until Christmas and bought all my presents and by February still hadn’t gotten a job so finally in February I paid off all my bills and then kept what I needed for bills for the next month and then gave the rest of it away. I didn’t tell a lot of people either because I didn’t want people to feel like they needed to give me money. But here’s the kicker, literally two days after I gave it all away, I had to have my appendix out. It happened out of nowhere and there were no complications because they caught it before it burst, but now I have a $2,000 hospital bill. So I’m still trying to figure out what that was all about and the timing of it all. But I totally have a God story now! Some of ya’ll have heard this but I know some of ya’ll haven’t. My pastor did a sermon on the story in the Bible of the talents. Jesus gave 3 people money and told them to invest it in the kingdom. So my pastor decided to choose 3 people from each service and give them money to invest in the kingdom. He gave them 2 weeks and then they were to come back and tell the congregation what they did with the money. Well one of the ladies that was chosen is a lady that I had only known couple of months because we worked in the call room together. She was given $200 and decided to make and sell cakes for $25 and use her mother’s recipe. Well as it turns out she took like 96 orders and some people even just donated money to the cause and she made $2,600 and decided to give it to me! It was such a blessing and total confirmation that I was doing what I was supposed to and that the Lord was going to provide. I loved it too because she got to bake cakes which she loves to do and opened her windows in the kitchen and got to enjoy her garden while she was baking and communing with the Lord. I was talking to one of my friends afterwards who is kinda in charge of the call room and we were just talking about how it all came together and how there were so many small acts of obedience leading up to it that didn’t seem like a big deal at the time but if one hadn’t happened then none of this would be happening. What if she had never asked me to go to coffee once I got back. What if I hadn’t agreed to do the call room? I would have never met this lady. It was just really cool to look back over the way that it came together and see how the Lord had been orchestrating something that wasn’t even on my radar and completely blew my mind. I love that I am starting to have God stories now. One day I was out shopping with some gift cards and I was telling the Lord that I really wanted a new purse since mine was sort of falling apart but I didn’t have the money for one. The next day I got a gift card in the mail for $25 to Target and I went and found a perfect one for 24.99. Isn’t the Lord good? So anyway, raising support has been an interesting journey and I’m sure will continue to be. I have received about 250 in monthly support and then received a lot of one time donations. All of which is a total blessing! I guess I thought that I would just automatically get the monthly support though. But even in that I feel like the Lord is teaching me to be completely dependent upon Him. If I got the monthly supporters and knew I had 850 coming in each month then I wouldn’t have to trust the Lord as much. This way I am fully trusting in the Lord which is unbelievably scary but I know it’s the place the Lord wants me. It’s funny too because at the last monthly prayer meeting we had for the Katy prayer room people were talking about money and just how the Lord’s timing is always perfect and often will come at that very last moment before the bill is due. One of the guys up here says that God is never early but He’s always on time. As one lady was telling us her God story of what the Lord was doing in their lives financially and talking about how the Lord always seems to show up right at the last minute, another lady said that when she was listening to her story she felt like the Lord said because it’s more romantic that way. Think about all the cheesy chick flicks and how the couple finally comes together at the very last moment. It’s more exciting that way. That’s how God, the ultimate romantic, wants to come to us- at the very last moment, because it’s more romantic that way. I may be wrong, but I feel like the Lord is doing it this way because He wants to surprise me at random times. Plus this way I’ll have more God stories. (At least that’s what I’m telling myself right now to keep from becoming anxious =P) So as with everything with the Lord, I’m going on another journey…but I’m not going to be anxious about money anymore and I am going to know God fully as my provider.
And The Journey Continues...
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Amy
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I realized I never wrote a final blog for my time at the internship. The end of my time there was pretty much a whirlwind but I will do my best. The last couple of months that I was there our daily schedule pretty much got thrown out the window because the Holy Spirit fell in a new and exciting way. What does that mean exactly? It’s hard to really explain but basically the power of the Holy Spirit became so strong that when people prayed for other people, they got healed. And we’re talking all kinds of healing- physical as well as emotional and heart wounds. This started in November and they are still having the awakening meetings every Wednesday- Saturday from 6 pm to midnight. There’s an article that does a much better job of describing it for those of you that are interested.
http://www.ihop.org/Publisher/Article.aspx?ID=1000067211#content
The awakening was interesting. There was a lot of stuff happening that I was unfamiliar with and had never experienced before. I’ve had certain things that I have been praying for and several times I’ve wondered if my expectations of God are too high and what I’m asking for is ridiculous. But during the awakening, everything that I’ve been praying for and crying out for happened. Not to me, but it happened to other people. I go back and forth on thinking that asking for a hug from the Lord is silly but there were several testimonies of people who said they felt the tangible arms of God around them. It’s possible! One of the things that I’ve also been crying out for is to “feel” God. Everyone always talks about the presence of the Lord and when they say they feel Him I always ask what it feels like. I’ve realized it’s more than just feeling His presence that I want though. I want to receive His love for me and know that I know that I know that He loves me. A lot of what was happening was that God was breaking into hearts and setting them free from years of lies and wounds and rejection and self hatred. When this happened, people would finally feel the love of the Father for the first time. Where it was just head knowledge before, it finally became real in their heart. That’s what I have been crying out for- God just move it from my head to my heart. I always felt like God could break in and in an instant like the verse says His perfect love could come in and cast out all fear. And it was happening! Every time someone got up and gave a testimony then they would pray for people. If a girl got up and described how she felt the love of the Father for the first time and it was real to her heart then they would ask people if that sounds like you raise your hand and people will pray for you. I stood up every time for prayer and it never happened. Listening to testimonies was so frustrating! I would hear things that God did to other people and it would be exactly what I have been crying out for. Now it wasn’t just pie in the sky ideas, He was really doing it. When people would say what happened to them I would just sit there and cry going God that’s exactly what I’ve been praying for and look you’re doing it. You can do it. Why aren’t you doing it in me? There was one particular testimony that got me the most. One girl said that she had never felt the love of the Lord and when people would pray for her in the past she would just start crying. The people that were praying thought that since she was crying that she must have been feeling something. But she said her tears were actually tears of longing and wanting it to happen so bad but it never would. I even stood up for prayer after her testimony thinking this is it… that’s so my story…and then nothing. Now don’t get me wrong. There’s no way I spent 6 months in the presence of God and didn’t walk away different. Plus, I got baptized! I have no doubt that God did a huge work in me in lots of different ways, but I was so sure that at the end of the 6 months I was going to come home confident in love. I was going to feel the love of the Lord finally and nothing else was going to matter. And it didn’t happen. It’s been quite a wrestle and I’ve had to tell God over and over even if you never break in and even if I never feel you, I’m still gonna love you. I’m still gonna sit for hours in the prayer room and sing to you and tell you how beautiful you are because you’re worthy of my praise. Something inside me tells me that even if I never feel you, you’re worth it all.
So what has the Lord been showing me and speaking to me about? My eyes. Before I left for IHOP I got an eye infection and the doctor said it was because of my contacts so I needed to order new contacts. Now that I don’t have eye insurance it’s pretty expensive and I was just talking to God one day and I half-jokingly said, ya know, if you just healed my eyes and gave me 20/20 I wouldn’t have to worry about all this. But I kinda laughed it off. Well when the awakening first happened, one girl stood up and gave her testimony and she was saying that after someone prayed for her, her sight was blurry so she took off her glasses and could see perfectly. God healed her eyes! Now what I thought was just a funny “that would be cool if”, God has shown that He can do and is actually doing now, not just in Bible times. There have been several more testimonies of people receiving 20/20 vision since the awakening’s been going on as well. Over the course of my time at IHOP, different people would come up and pray for me and on 4 or 5 occasions total strangers who didn’t know me at all prayed about me being a “seer” and prayed that my eyes would be opened. Then when I got home, I was meeting with one of my friends and she asked me if I felt like I got any gifts from the Lord while I was up there. I didn’t really know how to answer so I told her the thing about people praying over me and calling me a seer. She got excited and then told me she had a book for me about that. I thought that was pretty cool. Then the next time I met with her the following week, she gave me the book and said that every day since we had met, during her quiet time, every scripture that the Lord would show her had to do with being a seer and she showed me all the verses. And she says it keeps coming up in her quiet times so we’re both praying about what all that means. Then one night I met with a group of ladies that a friend told me about to pray and again they didn’t know me at all and just prayed what they felt from the Holy Spirit and almost all of their prayers were about my physical eyes and the eyes of my heart. I don’t know what it means to be a seer. From what I’ve read it sounds like basically you can see into the spiritual realm and God may give you dreams and visions of heavenly things or angels. This hasn’t happened yet and I’m more in the seek it out and get more information stage but if it’s true, it sounds really exciting! I’ve been listening to this cd by Corey Russell and it’s called Eyes Opened and every time I listen to it my spirit gets stirred up. He keeps talking about how there is an all out assault on the eyes of prophets and seers. We were created to gaze on real beauty and have our eyes captivated and fascinated. We are seated in heavenly places and we are meant to see into the spirit realm. We are in this world but not of it. But we’ve gone so long without experiencing these things that we’re just willing to settle. We’re so easily entertained. One of my favorite lines he says on his cd is we’re so stuffed on PG movies and good things, that we have no appetite for great things, for real things. We are a bored generation and we’ve lived so long in this way, we don’t even know that we’re missing something. I’ve asked God since I’ve been home to open my eyes to see what He wants me to see while I watch tv and I have been shocked by what I see. Shows that I used to watch and find really funny, now I watch and am amazed by how inappropriate it is. There’s sex, or sexual innuendo on almost every show, even family shows just on regular tv. And the only thing I can think of is it’s only going to get worse. My pastor did a sermon just recently on the signs of the end times and one of the parts is talking about how darkness and evil is going to increase. He was saying it is hard to measure something like that but he talked about movie ratings and how they’ve changed over the years and what used to not be allowed to be shown. Wow has it changed. If you get a moment you should listen to his sermon. It was very eye opening and there’s a link under “people get ready.” I’m in this interesting place of being in holy discontent and it’s a strange place to be in. Sitting down in front of the tv is no longer an escape for me, just a reminder that there’s more. As with everything with the Lord it’s a journey and I’m sure I’m only at the beginning but I feel like the Lord has me in a place of what if. What if I choose not to watch that movie or turn off that tv show? What if there’s more? What if turning off those legitimate pleasures opens me up to things that I can’t even fathom? What if not watching that CSI episode causes me to be open to dreaming about God and not have nightmares? What if there’s really more and I really can see it with my very own eyes? What’s interesting about the awakening is that God seems to be doing in the natural what He wants to do in the spiritual. He’s opening eyes and ears in the natural because that’s what He wants to do in the spiritual. He wants to give us eyes to see and ears to hear what the Spirit is saying. I’m contending for my eyes in the natural. I’ll let you know when He heals my eyes! =)
Coming back to Katy has been really hard. I already knew the transition from my protective bubble at IHOP wasn’t going to be easy, but on top of that I came home to my biggest fear being my actual reality. I can honestly say that this last year has been more painful and confusing than anything else I’ve ever experienced. I only thought my heart had been through a lot before. I’ve yelled at God and asked Him why it had to happen this way. What was the point? More than anything I feel like He just played a mean joke on me. I feel like He said I’m gonna give you all these amazing people that you are going to open up your heart to and this amazing job and everything is finally going to fall into place like you want it to, and then bam! I’m going to take it all away. But at the same time, I know that's not His character. I’ve gone through a season of death and mourning what I thought my life was going to look like and the people and new family I thought were going to be a part of it and I think that’s been the hardest part. I don’t understand why things happened the way they did. But I know that He is good and kind and has my best interest in mind. God's leadership over my life is perfect, even when it doesn' t make sense. Everything happened the way it did for God’s greatest glory and to get everyone that has been involved to the place where God wants each of us to be. While I know the truth in my head, we all know that moving it to the heart takes some time. It gets a little easier each day. But the thing is, it’s not about me anyway. I exist so that Jesus will have the preeminence and God will get the greatest glory. I was listening to the FCF service on Sunday and the message was so good! The guy was talking about how as Christians we “sell” Jesus as the way to make yourself happy. Most of the time, we worship Him and praise Him because of things He’s done for us. He talked about the living creatures that are forever around His throne. God has never touched their circumstances. He’s never given them a promotion or lots of money or taken things away from them. They worship Him simply because of who He is. They see Him and Him alone in all of His glory, not what He can do for them, and all they can do is cry HOLY! He asked some really hard questions. He said what are you in this for? What did you move to Kansas City for? If all the cameras left and you were the only person left in the prayer room would it still be worth it? Would you still be here? If you never have a huge ministry and God never promotes you is it still worth it? Then the one that really got me was this one- if you never get the breakthrough is He still worth it? I just started crying and I realized that my answer is yes. Whether I ever get the breakthrough I want, whether I ever “feel” Him, He’s worth it simply because of who He is. I just want Jesus!
So where is this journey taking me next? Back to KC! Before I came home I had pretty much decided that I wanted to go back and go to school up there which would have been the last thing I would have ever imagined I would do because I don’t think I’m smart enough for Bible college. (I do realize this is a lie) The internship was so amazing and I felt like I learned so much but I felt like the 6 months was training wheels. I’m still so new in the Lord and I don’t know the Bible that well and I feel like I still need so much more. I think FSM is a good place to start. The first 2 years are kinda like core classes so I figure I’ll at least do 2 years and then kinda see where I am. But who knows, I may decide after a semester that it’s not for me after all and my plans may change, or maybe I'll go for 4 years and declare a major. Sometimes God tells you to do something and other times He asks you to make a choice. I feel like I’m in a place right now of God going what do you want to do Amy? Do you want to stay in Katy and be an intercessory missionary with the Katy prayer room? I will bless it. Do you want to go to IHOP and go to school and go back on nights? I will bless it. It’s not about IHOP versus Katy because basically I would be doing the same thing whether I was here or there, but the school is there. Plus I get to go back on nights there. I’ve never made a decision based on what I wanted to do. It has always been based off what I think others want me to do. For the first time in my life I’m making a decision based on what I want to do and as scary as it is to pack up and move, it’s also really exciting. I can’t guarantee I’ll come back to Katy, and I can’t guarantee I won’t. There have been several words spoken over me about being called to the nations and rebuilding Israel and I don’t know if that means I will actually go to another country and be a missionary or if it means I will sit in a prayer room somewhere and pray it in. I’m done planning my life. Every time I thought I knew where my life was going and could see what my future looked like, it didn’t happen that way. So now I’m taking it step by step, and my next step in this journey is KC. I have no idea what my future looks like and I absolutely hate that, but I’m letting go and trusting God that His will, not mine, will be done in my life. So the journey continues…hopefully it will get less bumpy soon.
http://www.ihop.org/Publisher/Article.aspx?ID=1000067211#content
The awakening was interesting. There was a lot of stuff happening that I was unfamiliar with and had never experienced before. I’ve had certain things that I have been praying for and several times I’ve wondered if my expectations of God are too high and what I’m asking for is ridiculous. But during the awakening, everything that I’ve been praying for and crying out for happened. Not to me, but it happened to other people. I go back and forth on thinking that asking for a hug from the Lord is silly but there were several testimonies of people who said they felt the tangible arms of God around them. It’s possible! One of the things that I’ve also been crying out for is to “feel” God. Everyone always talks about the presence of the Lord and when they say they feel Him I always ask what it feels like. I’ve realized it’s more than just feeling His presence that I want though. I want to receive His love for me and know that I know that I know that He loves me. A lot of what was happening was that God was breaking into hearts and setting them free from years of lies and wounds and rejection and self hatred. When this happened, people would finally feel the love of the Father for the first time. Where it was just head knowledge before, it finally became real in their heart. That’s what I have been crying out for- God just move it from my head to my heart. I always felt like God could break in and in an instant like the verse says His perfect love could come in and cast out all fear. And it was happening! Every time someone got up and gave a testimony then they would pray for people. If a girl got up and described how she felt the love of the Father for the first time and it was real to her heart then they would ask people if that sounds like you raise your hand and people will pray for you. I stood up every time for prayer and it never happened. Listening to testimonies was so frustrating! I would hear things that God did to other people and it would be exactly what I have been crying out for. Now it wasn’t just pie in the sky ideas, He was really doing it. When people would say what happened to them I would just sit there and cry going God that’s exactly what I’ve been praying for and look you’re doing it. You can do it. Why aren’t you doing it in me? There was one particular testimony that got me the most. One girl said that she had never felt the love of the Lord and when people would pray for her in the past she would just start crying. The people that were praying thought that since she was crying that she must have been feeling something. But she said her tears were actually tears of longing and wanting it to happen so bad but it never would. I even stood up for prayer after her testimony thinking this is it… that’s so my story…and then nothing. Now don’t get me wrong. There’s no way I spent 6 months in the presence of God and didn’t walk away different. Plus, I got baptized! I have no doubt that God did a huge work in me in lots of different ways, but I was so sure that at the end of the 6 months I was going to come home confident in love. I was going to feel the love of the Lord finally and nothing else was going to matter. And it didn’t happen. It’s been quite a wrestle and I’ve had to tell God over and over even if you never break in and even if I never feel you, I’m still gonna love you. I’m still gonna sit for hours in the prayer room and sing to you and tell you how beautiful you are because you’re worthy of my praise. Something inside me tells me that even if I never feel you, you’re worth it all.
So what has the Lord been showing me and speaking to me about? My eyes. Before I left for IHOP I got an eye infection and the doctor said it was because of my contacts so I needed to order new contacts. Now that I don’t have eye insurance it’s pretty expensive and I was just talking to God one day and I half-jokingly said, ya know, if you just healed my eyes and gave me 20/20 I wouldn’t have to worry about all this. But I kinda laughed it off. Well when the awakening first happened, one girl stood up and gave her testimony and she was saying that after someone prayed for her, her sight was blurry so she took off her glasses and could see perfectly. God healed her eyes! Now what I thought was just a funny “that would be cool if”, God has shown that He can do and is actually doing now, not just in Bible times. There have been several more testimonies of people receiving 20/20 vision since the awakening’s been going on as well. Over the course of my time at IHOP, different people would come up and pray for me and on 4 or 5 occasions total strangers who didn’t know me at all prayed about me being a “seer” and prayed that my eyes would be opened. Then when I got home, I was meeting with one of my friends and she asked me if I felt like I got any gifts from the Lord while I was up there. I didn’t really know how to answer so I told her the thing about people praying over me and calling me a seer. She got excited and then told me she had a book for me about that. I thought that was pretty cool. Then the next time I met with her the following week, she gave me the book and said that every day since we had met, during her quiet time, every scripture that the Lord would show her had to do with being a seer and she showed me all the verses. And she says it keeps coming up in her quiet times so we’re both praying about what all that means. Then one night I met with a group of ladies that a friend told me about to pray and again they didn’t know me at all and just prayed what they felt from the Holy Spirit and almost all of their prayers were about my physical eyes and the eyes of my heart. I don’t know what it means to be a seer. From what I’ve read it sounds like basically you can see into the spiritual realm and God may give you dreams and visions of heavenly things or angels. This hasn’t happened yet and I’m more in the seek it out and get more information stage but if it’s true, it sounds really exciting! I’ve been listening to this cd by Corey Russell and it’s called Eyes Opened and every time I listen to it my spirit gets stirred up. He keeps talking about how there is an all out assault on the eyes of prophets and seers. We were created to gaze on real beauty and have our eyes captivated and fascinated. We are seated in heavenly places and we are meant to see into the spirit realm. We are in this world but not of it. But we’ve gone so long without experiencing these things that we’re just willing to settle. We’re so easily entertained. One of my favorite lines he says on his cd is we’re so stuffed on PG movies and good things, that we have no appetite for great things, for real things. We are a bored generation and we’ve lived so long in this way, we don’t even know that we’re missing something. I’ve asked God since I’ve been home to open my eyes to see what He wants me to see while I watch tv and I have been shocked by what I see. Shows that I used to watch and find really funny, now I watch and am amazed by how inappropriate it is. There’s sex, or sexual innuendo on almost every show, even family shows just on regular tv. And the only thing I can think of is it’s only going to get worse. My pastor did a sermon just recently on the signs of the end times and one of the parts is talking about how darkness and evil is going to increase. He was saying it is hard to measure something like that but he talked about movie ratings and how they’ve changed over the years and what used to not be allowed to be shown. Wow has it changed. If you get a moment you should listen to his sermon. It was very eye opening and there’s a link under “people get ready.” I’m in this interesting place of being in holy discontent and it’s a strange place to be in. Sitting down in front of the tv is no longer an escape for me, just a reminder that there’s more. As with everything with the Lord it’s a journey and I’m sure I’m only at the beginning but I feel like the Lord has me in a place of what if. What if I choose not to watch that movie or turn off that tv show? What if there’s more? What if turning off those legitimate pleasures opens me up to things that I can’t even fathom? What if not watching that CSI episode causes me to be open to dreaming about God and not have nightmares? What if there’s really more and I really can see it with my very own eyes? What’s interesting about the awakening is that God seems to be doing in the natural what He wants to do in the spiritual. He’s opening eyes and ears in the natural because that’s what He wants to do in the spiritual. He wants to give us eyes to see and ears to hear what the Spirit is saying. I’m contending for my eyes in the natural. I’ll let you know when He heals my eyes! =)
Coming back to Katy has been really hard. I already knew the transition from my protective bubble at IHOP wasn’t going to be easy, but on top of that I came home to my biggest fear being my actual reality. I can honestly say that this last year has been more painful and confusing than anything else I’ve ever experienced. I only thought my heart had been through a lot before. I’ve yelled at God and asked Him why it had to happen this way. What was the point? More than anything I feel like He just played a mean joke on me. I feel like He said I’m gonna give you all these amazing people that you are going to open up your heart to and this amazing job and everything is finally going to fall into place like you want it to, and then bam! I’m going to take it all away. But at the same time, I know that's not His character. I’ve gone through a season of death and mourning what I thought my life was going to look like and the people and new family I thought were going to be a part of it and I think that’s been the hardest part. I don’t understand why things happened the way they did. But I know that He is good and kind and has my best interest in mind. God's leadership over my life is perfect, even when it doesn' t make sense. Everything happened the way it did for God’s greatest glory and to get everyone that has been involved to the place where God wants each of us to be. While I know the truth in my head, we all know that moving it to the heart takes some time. It gets a little easier each day. But the thing is, it’s not about me anyway. I exist so that Jesus will have the preeminence and God will get the greatest glory. I was listening to the FCF service on Sunday and the message was so good! The guy was talking about how as Christians we “sell” Jesus as the way to make yourself happy. Most of the time, we worship Him and praise Him because of things He’s done for us. He talked about the living creatures that are forever around His throne. God has never touched their circumstances. He’s never given them a promotion or lots of money or taken things away from them. They worship Him simply because of who He is. They see Him and Him alone in all of His glory, not what He can do for them, and all they can do is cry HOLY! He asked some really hard questions. He said what are you in this for? What did you move to Kansas City for? If all the cameras left and you were the only person left in the prayer room would it still be worth it? Would you still be here? If you never have a huge ministry and God never promotes you is it still worth it? Then the one that really got me was this one- if you never get the breakthrough is He still worth it? I just started crying and I realized that my answer is yes. Whether I ever get the breakthrough I want, whether I ever “feel” Him, He’s worth it simply because of who He is. I just want Jesus!
So where is this journey taking me next? Back to KC! Before I came home I had pretty much decided that I wanted to go back and go to school up there which would have been the last thing I would have ever imagined I would do because I don’t think I’m smart enough for Bible college. (I do realize this is a lie) The internship was so amazing and I felt like I learned so much but I felt like the 6 months was training wheels. I’m still so new in the Lord and I don’t know the Bible that well and I feel like I still need so much more. I think FSM is a good place to start. The first 2 years are kinda like core classes so I figure I’ll at least do 2 years and then kinda see where I am. But who knows, I may decide after a semester that it’s not for me after all and my plans may change, or maybe I'll go for 4 years and declare a major. Sometimes God tells you to do something and other times He asks you to make a choice. I feel like I’m in a place right now of God going what do you want to do Amy? Do you want to stay in Katy and be an intercessory missionary with the Katy prayer room? I will bless it. Do you want to go to IHOP and go to school and go back on nights? I will bless it. It’s not about IHOP versus Katy because basically I would be doing the same thing whether I was here or there, but the school is there. Plus I get to go back on nights there. I’ve never made a decision based on what I wanted to do. It has always been based off what I think others want me to do. For the first time in my life I’m making a decision based on what I want to do and as scary as it is to pack up and move, it’s also really exciting. I can’t guarantee I’ll come back to Katy, and I can’t guarantee I won’t. There have been several words spoken over me about being called to the nations and rebuilding Israel and I don’t know if that means I will actually go to another country and be a missionary or if it means I will sit in a prayer room somewhere and pray it in. I’m done planning my life. Every time I thought I knew where my life was going and could see what my future looked like, it didn’t happen that way. So now I’m taking it step by step, and my next step in this journey is KC. I have no idea what my future looks like and I absolutely hate that, but I’m letting go and trusting God that His will, not mine, will be done in my life. So the journey continues…hopefully it will get less bumpy soon.
Let it Rain...Open the Floodgates of Heaven
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Amy
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So it has been an interesting couple of weeks. We have been praying for an outpouring of the Holy Spirit and God has answered our prayers. The Holy Spirit has totally been poured out over IHOP. It started about 2 weeks ago, the first year students at the Bible school were giving testimonies of their walk with God and one of the girls got up and talked about an encounter she had where God totally set her free from an eating disorder and all of the after effects on parts of her body, like her stomach and kidneys were damaged. So anyway the students continued to give their testimonies throughout the week and this past Wednesday they were doing testimonies and for whatever reason the Holy Spirit just fell in that place and all of a sudden all of the students quit their classes and went into the main room and started worshiping and it just went crazy from there. All day long people were instantly being delivered from self-hatred and eating disorders and depression and there were even some physical healing. So I didn’t know any of this was happening. It was my Sabbath and I had actually decided to go shopping because I still needed some long sleeve shirts as it is continuing to get colder up here. So one of my roommates and I were shopping and she got a text that the Spirit had fallen at the fsm building where the students were and had been going on since 9 that morning and we needed to get there if we could. It was like 6:30 pm and since it was the Sabbath I was going to hang out with my friend Ginnette so I was like I dunno what’s going on but I’m sure it’s not that interesting. So I went to Ginnette’s and I was telling her about my day and shopping and then about the text that the spirit had fallen at fsm and she was like we’re going. I was like yeah I don’t really want to go. I was actually really scared. I talk about how I want this huge encounter with God but I’m actually really terrified of it actually happening. Anyway, we waited for her husband to get home and then we went and the place was packed out! I have never seen anything like it in my life. The Bible says in the last days God is going to pour out His spirit and people are going to prophecy and people would get healed and it is happening. We have had prayer meetings every night since Wednesday and people are getting healed left and right. There have been people physically healed from all kinds of things. People have gotten up and given testimonies about how they were healed and there have been various people who were healed of asthma, one girl prayed for her eyes and now doesn’t need her glasses, there were 4 or 5 who had like 20% hearing loss in their ear and now they can hear perfectly, one person had a leg that was shorter than the other and it literally grew out like 2 or 3 inches and now they’re the same, there have been healings of body aches and backs coming into alignment, and on and on. More than anything though there have been inner healings all over the place. People are getting set free from depression and self-hatred and anger and all kinds of addictions like in an instant. All if takes is the love of God. I’m so excited to see it because I just knew it was possible. I just knew that all it took was a minute and God could set you free! It’s such a faith builder. It is so cool to listen to everyone’s stories of how God is setting them free from stuff and just speaking to their hearts and revealing His love. Now all that being said, I have felt nothing. Go figure! The girl who’s desperate for the presence of God still can’t feel it when He pours it out. But it’s ok. I’m really enjoying watching others get deliverance and I’m really enjoying praying for people. I’m also getting prayed for when I hear something I want prayer for. I don’t know what God is doing but I trust His leadership over my life and that His banner over me is still love. I do have a heightened sense of expectation though.
So super vulnerable moment and I can’t actually believe this is going to be posted but here goes. So I’ve been going hard after God for about 4 or 5 years and I don’t think I have felt the presence of God this whole time. (I may have but I can’t imagine that I would feel it and not know it.) Anyway some of you already know this but the one thing I have been praying for as long as I can remember is a hug from God. Everyone always talks about feeling God’s embrace. There’s this part in Song of Solomon where God removes His presence from the girl and then she goes out and searches everywhere for Him. Then finally she finds Him and it says she holds Him and doesn’t let Him go. There’s a song I heard once at the Katy Prayer Room and the lyrics said something like hold me and don’t let go until I believe you love me. And that’s what I want. I want to feel the tangible arms of God and I want Him to hold me until I believe He loves me. Now I have told several people this and I was met with a lot of different responses, all well meaning of course but basically people tried to tell me not to get my hopes up. However I have never given up hope. I am convinced that God is going to encounter me during this last 1 ½ months. Now that the spirit fell and people are getting touched and healed and encountered I have so much faith that it’s coming. When I first got here the first time I was prayed for and the girl said she saw me on my knees worshiping before Jesus she also told me that God said and that thing that you’ve been so diligently praying for, it’s coming. I’ve also had a bunch of people praying over me recently and there’s a common theme about the winter being over and the drought ending and the river of refreshing coming and that this is my spring season so I’m just waiting and praying that it happens soon. I thought I was ridiculously hungry for God when I got here but since being here I have just gotten increased hunger and longing and I’m to the point of God if You don’t show up soon I’m going to die. And they say that’s a good place to be because that’s the place where he might actually show up. So anyway if you only pray one thing for me let that be it. That I would get a hug from God where I feel His tangible arms around me and he would not let go until I believe He loves me. I actually had been praying that it would happen on my birthday since I won’t be with my friends and family and that would just be the most amazing birthday present ever! Total side note: My birthday is coming up on the 24th (just in case you forgot ;-P) and one of my roommates is going to make me a strawberry cake and then all the track 2 girls are going to pray over me so I’m excited. Anyway, I have no idea how long this little revival thing is going to last. I have a feeling it will lift and it won’t be like this forever. We also have a 21 day fast that was scheduled for December. And get this, it ends the last day of the track. Now that is no coincidence. So I just have a heightened expectation of God moving and really encountering me and setting me free from whatever junk is still there so that I can finally receive and believe His love for me and then pour it out onto my friends and family.
2 weeks ago at Hope City they had an altar call for people who were desperate for the Lord and I was standing up there and a lady came over and asked me how she could pray for me. I told her and she said oh that explains the picture I got when I walked up to you. She said she saw a dry desert and it was just the ground, no sand or anything, and there were like cracks and holes all across the ground and no water anywhere in sight. She said she saw me crawling across the ground and I was desperate and thirsty and basically looked like I was going to die if I didn’t get water soon. Then I was like yeah that pretty much sums up how I feel right now. So she prayed for me and then towards the end she asked me if I had a hard time hearing the voice of God or distinguishing His voice from other voices. I said as a matter of fact I do and she said she saw a swirl around my head and just lots of confusion and there was a reason that I was having a hard time. Then she prayed for me some more and I told her I was frustrated because I feel like I’ve been prayed for so much and go up for like every altar call and then Corey Russell prayed for me and I thought that was finally it and I was just tired of not being free. She said she had actually been there herself and she said it’s easy to give into shame but to push through and keep going up for altar calls. She also said she felt like God was going to use me in some form of deliverance ministry and since I have been there I will be able to be compassionate and understanding of the people who I will helping. So that was pretty cool. The first time I came to the prophecy room up here they prophesied Isaiah 61 over me and said that God wanted to set me free first and then He was going to use me to set others free. So that was some sort of confirmation I guess? Anyway last weekend I was sitting at the table eating my breakfast and I was talking to my roommate and she asked me about the lady praying for me because she was curious what she prayed since I was crying so much and I told her all of that and then she started crying and was like you have no idea how good this is for me to hear this right now. I have always heard all of these tormenting voices and I have felt crazy but I have never told anyone because I didn’t think anyone else would understand. So we talked for a while and I asked her if she ever went up for prayer and she said no and I was like you need to go up if you feel like it’s for you because I just feel like there’s an altar call for you I really do. Then after I said it I was like why did I say that? Then I said and I’ll try to help you as much as I can but I don’t know how much help I’ll be. I don’t think mine’s as bad as yours but I’m kinda in the same struggle as you. So anyway the next night we were at EGS service and during worship the prayer leader got on the mic and started saying all this stuff and basically describing her situation and the whole time I was just looking right at my roommate. Then he asked if you wanted prayer for that to raise your hand and she just stood there! So I was like uh-uh. I went up to her and raised her hand for her and she laughed at me and I started praying for her. It was ridiculous! I started to pray for her and the things that came out of my mouth totally surprised me. There is no way that was me. When I was praying I felt really powerful and like there was authority on my words. My roommate was crying and coughing and basically getting set free and God used me to do it! She told me after that she couldn’t even begin to tell me how amazing my prayer for her was. That night she said she only heard the thoughts like 4 times instead of constantly. I was so excited that God used me! And I love that there’s no way I can boast and say that I did it because there’s no way that any of that came from me. I think it’s really funny too because I had told her I didn’t know how I could help and God showed me that He can use me now even in my weak broken state where I don’t know what I’m doing when I pray for people. He’s doing all the work, I just have to be a willing vessel so He can use me. Pray for more! Again I am just so amazed that I am here right now. We talked to our leader Clay last night about everything that is going on and how often it had happened before and he said it has never been like this before. I hear the webstream is free during the egs services too which is Friday and Saturday night at 6pm. Just go to ihop.org and click on live webstream. It may have only been this week though but definitely check it out if you can.
So super vulnerable moment and I can’t actually believe this is going to be posted but here goes. So I’ve been going hard after God for about 4 or 5 years and I don’t think I have felt the presence of God this whole time. (I may have but I can’t imagine that I would feel it and not know it.) Anyway some of you already know this but the one thing I have been praying for as long as I can remember is a hug from God. Everyone always talks about feeling God’s embrace. There’s this part in Song of Solomon where God removes His presence from the girl and then she goes out and searches everywhere for Him. Then finally she finds Him and it says she holds Him and doesn’t let Him go. There’s a song I heard once at the Katy Prayer Room and the lyrics said something like hold me and don’t let go until I believe you love me. And that’s what I want. I want to feel the tangible arms of God and I want Him to hold me until I believe He loves me. Now I have told several people this and I was met with a lot of different responses, all well meaning of course but basically people tried to tell me not to get my hopes up. However I have never given up hope. I am convinced that God is going to encounter me during this last 1 ½ months. Now that the spirit fell and people are getting touched and healed and encountered I have so much faith that it’s coming. When I first got here the first time I was prayed for and the girl said she saw me on my knees worshiping before Jesus she also told me that God said and that thing that you’ve been so diligently praying for, it’s coming. I’ve also had a bunch of people praying over me recently and there’s a common theme about the winter being over and the drought ending and the river of refreshing coming and that this is my spring season so I’m just waiting and praying that it happens soon. I thought I was ridiculously hungry for God when I got here but since being here I have just gotten increased hunger and longing and I’m to the point of God if You don’t show up soon I’m going to die. And they say that’s a good place to be because that’s the place where he might actually show up. So anyway if you only pray one thing for me let that be it. That I would get a hug from God where I feel His tangible arms around me and he would not let go until I believe He loves me. I actually had been praying that it would happen on my birthday since I won’t be with my friends and family and that would just be the most amazing birthday present ever! Total side note: My birthday is coming up on the 24th (just in case you forgot ;-P) and one of my roommates is going to make me a strawberry cake and then all the track 2 girls are going to pray over me so I’m excited. Anyway, I have no idea how long this little revival thing is going to last. I have a feeling it will lift and it won’t be like this forever. We also have a 21 day fast that was scheduled for December. And get this, it ends the last day of the track. Now that is no coincidence. So I just have a heightened expectation of God moving and really encountering me and setting me free from whatever junk is still there so that I can finally receive and believe His love for me and then pour it out onto my friends and family.
2 weeks ago at Hope City they had an altar call for people who were desperate for the Lord and I was standing up there and a lady came over and asked me how she could pray for me. I told her and she said oh that explains the picture I got when I walked up to you. She said she saw a dry desert and it was just the ground, no sand or anything, and there were like cracks and holes all across the ground and no water anywhere in sight. She said she saw me crawling across the ground and I was desperate and thirsty and basically looked like I was going to die if I didn’t get water soon. Then I was like yeah that pretty much sums up how I feel right now. So she prayed for me and then towards the end she asked me if I had a hard time hearing the voice of God or distinguishing His voice from other voices. I said as a matter of fact I do and she said she saw a swirl around my head and just lots of confusion and there was a reason that I was having a hard time. Then she prayed for me some more and I told her I was frustrated because I feel like I’ve been prayed for so much and go up for like every altar call and then Corey Russell prayed for me and I thought that was finally it and I was just tired of not being free. She said she had actually been there herself and she said it’s easy to give into shame but to push through and keep going up for altar calls. She also said she felt like God was going to use me in some form of deliverance ministry and since I have been there I will be able to be compassionate and understanding of the people who I will helping. So that was pretty cool. The first time I came to the prophecy room up here they prophesied Isaiah 61 over me and said that God wanted to set me free first and then He was going to use me to set others free. So that was some sort of confirmation I guess? Anyway last weekend I was sitting at the table eating my breakfast and I was talking to my roommate and she asked me about the lady praying for me because she was curious what she prayed since I was crying so much and I told her all of that and then she started crying and was like you have no idea how good this is for me to hear this right now. I have always heard all of these tormenting voices and I have felt crazy but I have never told anyone because I didn’t think anyone else would understand. So we talked for a while and I asked her if she ever went up for prayer and she said no and I was like you need to go up if you feel like it’s for you because I just feel like there’s an altar call for you I really do. Then after I said it I was like why did I say that? Then I said and I’ll try to help you as much as I can but I don’t know how much help I’ll be. I don’t think mine’s as bad as yours but I’m kinda in the same struggle as you. So anyway the next night we were at EGS service and during worship the prayer leader got on the mic and started saying all this stuff and basically describing her situation and the whole time I was just looking right at my roommate. Then he asked if you wanted prayer for that to raise your hand and she just stood there! So I was like uh-uh. I went up to her and raised her hand for her and she laughed at me and I started praying for her. It was ridiculous! I started to pray for her and the things that came out of my mouth totally surprised me. There is no way that was me. When I was praying I felt really powerful and like there was authority on my words. My roommate was crying and coughing and basically getting set free and God used me to do it! She told me after that she couldn’t even begin to tell me how amazing my prayer for her was. That night she said she only heard the thoughts like 4 times instead of constantly. I was so excited that God used me! And I love that there’s no way I can boast and say that I did it because there’s no way that any of that came from me. I think it’s really funny too because I had told her I didn’t know how I could help and God showed me that He can use me now even in my weak broken state where I don’t know what I’m doing when I pray for people. He’s doing all the work, I just have to be a willing vessel so He can use me. Pray for more! Again I am just so amazed that I am here right now. We talked to our leader Clay last night about everything that is going on and how often it had happened before and he said it has never been like this before. I hear the webstream is free during the egs services too which is Friday and Saturday night at 6pm. Just go to ihop.org and click on live webstream. It may have only been this week though but definitely check it out if you can.
Growing in Love and Humility
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Amy
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Disclaimer: As I have gone back and read over my blogs a thought occurred to me. The Amy that likes to compare myself to people would read this and think wow God must really love her. I guess He doesn’t love me as much because He’s not doing that for me. So it occurred to me that some of you may be feeling that way. So I wanted to just make it clear. I am in no way trying to rub it in your face. This is the first time since I started going back to church where I actually feel like I’m in a place of being able to hear and receive from God. Some of the things that are happening to me are really amazing but it’s not like they happen every day. In fact for like 4 years I didn’t feel like I heard from God hardly at all except for the few times I have written about on here. I feel like I’m in a very specific season where God is doing some specific things and it will not always be like this- although I hope it is! So in the same way that I am not suppose to covet someone else’s journey with the Lord, please do not covet or be jealous over mine. My main point in writing these is because so many people asked me if I would do updates and the only reason I am being so vulnerable is because God told me the more vulnerable I am the more you guys reading were going to get out of it. My hope is that in reading my journey it will awaken something inside of you that there is more. Some of you don’t believe in God or believe in a “god” but you don’t know Jesus and therefore I hope what is happening to me starts to pique your curiosity because I can’t make this stuff up. And even if I could, I wouldn’t. Why would I? What would be the point? Some of you have been saved your whole life and know you’re going to heaven when you die. That’s great but my hope for you is that you see there’s so much more. Jesus is a real man. His Word is living and active and He died the most excruciating death anyone could imagine because He loves us and wants a relationship with us. Christianity is not just a list of dos and don’ts and figuring out how to make ourselves happy. Christianity is about a relationship with a real man who when we hated Him (and a lot still do) He took on every one of our sins and pains past, present, and future and died for us and He did it for love. He doesn’t want you to wait until you die for you to experience Him, you can experience Him now. And don’t you dare say you’re too old and it’s too late! If you are still on this earth it’s because God isn’t finished with you yet. So yeah don’t look at my journey and get discouraged, but look at my journey and get excited and ask God to take you on one of your own. I promise He wants to. All I’ve ever done is ask Him to let me love Him more and to create a hunger and a longing inside of me. And the only reason I even want to love God is because my sister prayed for me a lot. All you have to do is ask =) Ok do with that little tidbit what you want. I just felt like God wanted me to add a little disclaimer this time.
So apartment living is interesting. We definitely had some issues at the beginning. We had an apartment meeting and nobody wanted to confront one of the girls about all the stuff. So I spoke up and basically said what everyone else was thinking. So we went back and forth and I told her what I thought and what I did not like. And then at the end I was very vulnerable with all my roommates and I said and by the way God is showing me that I think I’m perfect and I don’t think I ever do anything wrong, which is so not the truth, so if I do something that bugs you or upsets you please let me know. The whole idea of confrontation scares me and for me to actually speak up was terrifying but in the end it was all good. I apologized for things that I said behind her back and anything that I said to her face that offended her and there were no harsh words and she didn’t hate me in the end. She didn’t tell me that she was done with me and no longer wanted to be my friend which is what I typically expect to come from confrontation which is why I don’t like to do it. And then my new core leader Amber asked me to eat dinner with her one night and before we started talking and getting to know each other the first thing she said was how impressed she was with how I dealt with the situation and how she loved how vulnerable and open and honest I was. So far it appears I still have my voice and can speak my opinion so let’s pray that continues. I feel like God is teaching me how to have healthy confrontation. The last week or so I have really been having issues with my roommates, and I was really angry at myself because I thought I had been doing so well. I had been crying out to God and asking Him what this was and why was I having such a hard time? It was so ugly! Then the other night in my Life of David class, the teacher CJ was talking about pride in our hearts. He said in God’s loving kindness He will give you sandpaper people (people that rub you the wrong way) and allow the pride to come to the surface so that you can see that it’s there and then ask Him to help you with it. It was such perfect timing. I love how God does that. It was one of those aha moments where it just makes sense. I had been saying that I felt like track 1 God had me in a protective bubble and my roommate situation was basically utopia and there was no huge conflict. However, this time around it feels like the protective bubble has been lifted. So in actuality it’s not a bad thing, but it’s God’s mercy and loving-kindness in keeping me humble and showing me there’s still a lot of pride there. So basically I just need to start praying for my roommates and asking God to show me what He sees and what He likes because the truth is there is nothing wrong with any of them. In the same way that He says I am perfect just the way I am, He says they are perfect just the way they are. If I have issues with them it’s because there’s something in me that needs to be worked on. It was really humbling one night because one of the girls is really loud and I had been talking to God about how annoying her loudness was and how it annoyed me and then that same night she came home all excited and was like God was so kind to me all night tonight. He spent the whole night just telling me how much he loves me and He went on and on about how He loves how loud I am! Haha so that was like ouch knife through the heart. So my prayer now is God give me eyes to see these girls the way you see them and a heart to love them as you love them. We’ll see what happens!
The fun part about this apartment though is one of the girls came up with the idea of secret sister which is basically like secret Santa. We drew names and for the rest of the track we are purposely looking for ways to serve and love on that person. At first I thought the idea was pretty ridiculous but I went along with it since everyone else was. I am actually really enjoying it. One of the things that I’ve been asking God for during this time is to teach me how to listen to the Holy Spirit. When I get married and have children I want to ask God what is one way that I can meet their needs today and then serve them and meet that need without having to ask them what they need. So I’ve been using this secret sister thing as a way to practice. So every day I ask God please show me one way that I can meet her needs today. I haven’t gotten something every day but there have been several times where I feel like God has shown me different things and I’m looking forward to more practice.
So my Pop-Pop did pass away and luckily I was able to go home for the memorial service. I was only home for 2 days though so I didn’t really tell anyone that I was home because obviously it wasn’t a social trip. God is so good. I felt such a peace about him passing and the memorial service was really nice. My sister and cousins walked away from it and at the reception we were all like so do you feel like you didn’t really know Pop-Pop? When they were talking about his life we felt like we learned so much about him that we never knew before. He was a very quiet man and didn’t really share a lot of his life with us. Anyway, it was just a sweet time with family and it was just enough time to help me with my home sickness. I also got to see my great aunt Fern, Pop-Pop’s sister who I hadn’t seen since my grandma passed away like 7 years ago. She’s a little firecracker. I like her a lot and she looked really good for how old she was. While she was in Houston she actually became a great-grandmother. So it was cool to see her and spend some time with her. I also got some good hang out time and I got my hair cut which was long overdo. So all in all it was a nice time at home. I feel like it was just enough to tide me over. I feel like I can make the last 2 months now. This track is going even faster than the first one. I’ll be home before you know it!
So apartment living is interesting. We definitely had some issues at the beginning. We had an apartment meeting and nobody wanted to confront one of the girls about all the stuff. So I spoke up and basically said what everyone else was thinking. So we went back and forth and I told her what I thought and what I did not like. And then at the end I was very vulnerable with all my roommates and I said and by the way God is showing me that I think I’m perfect and I don’t think I ever do anything wrong, which is so not the truth, so if I do something that bugs you or upsets you please let me know. The whole idea of confrontation scares me and for me to actually speak up was terrifying but in the end it was all good. I apologized for things that I said behind her back and anything that I said to her face that offended her and there were no harsh words and she didn’t hate me in the end. She didn’t tell me that she was done with me and no longer wanted to be my friend which is what I typically expect to come from confrontation which is why I don’t like to do it. And then my new core leader Amber asked me to eat dinner with her one night and before we started talking and getting to know each other the first thing she said was how impressed she was with how I dealt with the situation and how she loved how vulnerable and open and honest I was. So far it appears I still have my voice and can speak my opinion so let’s pray that continues. I feel like God is teaching me how to have healthy confrontation. The last week or so I have really been having issues with my roommates, and I was really angry at myself because I thought I had been doing so well. I had been crying out to God and asking Him what this was and why was I having such a hard time? It was so ugly! Then the other night in my Life of David class, the teacher CJ was talking about pride in our hearts. He said in God’s loving kindness He will give you sandpaper people (people that rub you the wrong way) and allow the pride to come to the surface so that you can see that it’s there and then ask Him to help you with it. It was such perfect timing. I love how God does that. It was one of those aha moments where it just makes sense. I had been saying that I felt like track 1 God had me in a protective bubble and my roommate situation was basically utopia and there was no huge conflict. However, this time around it feels like the protective bubble has been lifted. So in actuality it’s not a bad thing, but it’s God’s mercy and loving-kindness in keeping me humble and showing me there’s still a lot of pride there. So basically I just need to start praying for my roommates and asking God to show me what He sees and what He likes because the truth is there is nothing wrong with any of them. In the same way that He says I am perfect just the way I am, He says they are perfect just the way they are. If I have issues with them it’s because there’s something in me that needs to be worked on. It was really humbling one night because one of the girls is really loud and I had been talking to God about how annoying her loudness was and how it annoyed me and then that same night she came home all excited and was like God was so kind to me all night tonight. He spent the whole night just telling me how much he loves me and He went on and on about how He loves how loud I am! Haha so that was like ouch knife through the heart. So my prayer now is God give me eyes to see these girls the way you see them and a heart to love them as you love them. We’ll see what happens!
The fun part about this apartment though is one of the girls came up with the idea of secret sister which is basically like secret Santa. We drew names and for the rest of the track we are purposely looking for ways to serve and love on that person. At first I thought the idea was pretty ridiculous but I went along with it since everyone else was. I am actually really enjoying it. One of the things that I’ve been asking God for during this time is to teach me how to listen to the Holy Spirit. When I get married and have children I want to ask God what is one way that I can meet their needs today and then serve them and meet that need without having to ask them what they need. So I’ve been using this secret sister thing as a way to practice. So every day I ask God please show me one way that I can meet her needs today. I haven’t gotten something every day but there have been several times where I feel like God has shown me different things and I’m looking forward to more practice.
So my Pop-Pop did pass away and luckily I was able to go home for the memorial service. I was only home for 2 days though so I didn’t really tell anyone that I was home because obviously it wasn’t a social trip. God is so good. I felt such a peace about him passing and the memorial service was really nice. My sister and cousins walked away from it and at the reception we were all like so do you feel like you didn’t really know Pop-Pop? When they were talking about his life we felt like we learned so much about him that we never knew before. He was a very quiet man and didn’t really share a lot of his life with us. Anyway, it was just a sweet time with family and it was just enough time to help me with my home sickness. I also got to see my great aunt Fern, Pop-Pop’s sister who I hadn’t seen since my grandma passed away like 7 years ago. She’s a little firecracker. I like her a lot and she looked really good for how old she was. While she was in Houston she actually became a great-grandmother. So it was cool to see her and spend some time with her. I also got some good hang out time and I got my hair cut which was long overdo. So all in all it was a nice time at home. I feel like it was just enough to tide me over. I feel like I can make the last 2 months now. This track is going even faster than the first one. I’ll be home before you know it!
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